WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

On the weekend I like to play chess with the elderly men at the park. Unfortunately, it’s often difficult to find 32 of them.

I went to have a paternity test done, and I asked for a pop quiz. They said, “Well clearly you’re somebody’s dad…”

The World Cup is just a giant sleepover with the cousins we never see because our parents hate each other too much.

LinkedIn Easy Apply is so great because you can ensure your resume ends up in the trash much faster.

Love thy neighbor would be a lot easier if he would stop mowing his lawn so early every Saturday morning.

Why don’t you tend to see people kissing at funerals? Because everyone has mourning breath.

I kissed my wife when we were sitting on the sofa and she said “Let’s take this upstairs!” I said “Okay, I’ll grab this end and you grab the other.”

I told my therapist that I think I’m addicted to Instagram. She said, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I follow you.”

The biggest problem I have with the tooth fairy is that she teaches kids that you can sell body parts for money.

I got a good deal on a boat ride to a magic carnival. It was a fair ferry fare to the fairy fair.

I’ve always liked properties with a pool. It’s great to have some liquid assets.

Most people know of even Steve, but have you heard of his weird older brother Odd Todd?

One time an interviewer asked me to describe a time I overcame adversity. I told him I successfully completed their online job application.

When two vegans fight, it’s not considered a beef - it’s a beet down.

This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. How about those odds?

At this point, I think they should just drain the reflecting pool and turn it into a ball pit.

If I was an electrician, I would put Power Ranger on my business cards.

If robots can mow lawns and sweep the floor, how come they can’t figure out how to check the “I am not a robot” box?

My boss suggested I signed up for a 401(k). But there’s no way I’m running that far.

I was taught to think before I act. So if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured I’ve thought about it, and I’m happy with my decision.

My wife is going through a phase where she is buying a lot of pets. It’s called many paws.

I was really disappointed to learn that my universal remote does not even remotely control the universe.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter that it may contain peanuts, I realize why aliens don’t visit us anymore.

I don’t understand food trucks that charge more than dine-in restaurants. Like, the discount is associated with me being willing to eat on the sidewalk.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “Do you mind if I skip to the front, I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “Do you think we’re all here for fun?”

The other day Bigfoot saw me, but nobody believes him.

You never really know what you have until it’s gone. Not the lesson you want to learn with toilet paper.

Do you know what would be sacrilegious? Worshiping paper bags.

Preschool rules and bar rules are the same. If you pee your pants, you go home.

My friend set me up on a blind date and said “I gotta warn you, she’s expecting a baby.” I felt like such an idiot wearing just a diaper at the bar.

If they could only understand dad jokes, I bet I could kill two birds with one groan.

I just finished reading a book that talks about the power of a firm handshake. I found it gripping.

I heard that WD-40 keeps mice out of the garden. It didn’t work, but at least they stopped squeaking.

Nothing drives me into a murderous rage like waiting 30 minutes on the phone for a task the website can’t do and being reminded every 10 seconds to try using the website next time.

Every time right before July 4 rolls around, I think to myself “This is the last time someone will have all 10 fingers.”

Growing up hearing "Wikipedia isn't a valid source" and then entering a workplace where people say "just ask ChatGPT" is a surprisingly strange timeline.

The elder I get, the more I hate making stops on the way home after work. I drive home like I’m late for the house.

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.

I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

If you get fired from your job as an archaeologist, is your career no longer in ruins?

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

When I die, please someone make sure I don’t vote Democrat.

What does a Dalmatian say after eating dinner? That really hit the spot.

Someone said if we had 1 million monkeys typing away, we would eventually have all the works of Shakespeare. Facebook has proven that false.

One time I was watching a TikTok and turned it off pretty quickly. There’s only so much you need to know about Lyme disease.

The cops pulled me over for driving around with an Instagram model tied to the roof of my car. They arrested me for driving under the influencer.

My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and social media. I saw it through my telescope last night.

If TikTok gets banned, what sound is a clock supposed to make?

It’s a shame Johnny Cash and Tom Petty never collaborated at a concert. They could’ve called it The Petty Cash Tour” and accountants everywhere would have come.

How do you know a farm is run by an accountant? They have cash cows and piggy banks.

How do you kill a redneck werewolf? With a silver mullet.

What’s the last thing you hear rednecks say? Usually it’s “Hey everyone, watch this!”

Do you know who gave the first TED talk? Theodore Roosevelt.

Do you know where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Pretty sure it was at the bottom.

Did I tell you that I used to be a lifeguard? That little blue kid really ruined it for me.

Did you hear that scientists just made the world‘s biggest suction cup? I don’t know how they pulled it off.

Do you know who you can count on to always help people out? Midwives.

Please congratulate me on my new position! It is the fetal position, and I will be in it for a while.

Everyone is an atheist until they clog a toilet at someone else’s house.

People always make fun of my cargo shorts until they need a ratchet set or a pulled pork sandwich.

Just when I'm losing faith in society, I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man with a beard!

I thought I accidentally did a number two in the shower, but I only farted. It was a sham poo!

Why do so many people like to wash their clothes in the ocean? Because of all the Tide.

What keeps the ocean from leaking out? All the seals.

What’s the worst thing about retiring as a marine biologist? Your life no longer has any porpoise.

Something I’m grateful for is my parents not having a Ring camera when I was in high school.

You have to realize that golf was invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

I don’t understand why movies push the narrative that eating ice cream right out of the pint container is a sad, pathetic thing. It has only ever been pure joy to me.

Today I walked into urgent care and they asked if I have an appointment. I said “Yeah, remember I called yesterday and said I was going to get a deep cut an hour ago.”

The human instinct to sit and wait in a 12-car deep drive-thru instead of going inside where no one is in line is fascinating to me. I love playing a game called “Beat the white car.”

What do you call a Frenchman that tries to urinate into a fan? Pierre.

You know when I was really in my prime? At age 37.

What’s the difference between imply and infer? You never see a bear walking around in ply.

What kind of food do blind people tend to avoid? Seafood.

What’s crazy is that gas right now is that price they used to try and scare you with if you didn’t bring the rental car back full.

My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work. I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it.

The plus side to Capri Sun packages is that they can teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example, today I jogged for 2 miles and now I feel like I’m 84.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and have been living in constant fear ever since.

Hey Walmart, don't get all pissed at me if I forget to scan something. You literally gave me no training before making me a cashier.

Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how is it that two sticks won?

SELLER: Zillow says my house is worth $1m. REALTOR: Well WebMD says I have 15 minutes to live, so we better hurry.

Bikini season is right around the corner…but unfortunately, so is Chick-Fil-A.

Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

My wife says I snore a lot but she doesn’t believe it’s just a recurring dream where I think I’m really a lawnmower.

I accidentally used my wife’s body wash this morning. I already feel like I am never wrong!

You know what’s ironic? If you break down the Greek word politics, you get poly, which means many and ticks which are blood sucking parasites.

My GPS was being so rude and sarcastic. Turns out it was just a bad latitude.

What is it called when a rabbit fur is all tangled up? A bad hare day.

I get bored easily when my wife drags me to the bookstore so this time I turned around all the books in the mystery section around so you couldn’t see the names.

Weird driving rules: it’s illegal to use your phone while driving, but it’s totally okay to use the giant iPad built into the car.

When grandma suspected grandpa of cheating, she was like a dog with a bone. She buried him in the garden.

What’s it called when someone is running as fast as they can between connecting flights? Terminal velocity.

When my yoga instructor quit in the middle of our class, it left me in a very awkward position.

A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on top of him. To be fair, all the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

What are the odds that Eminem becomes a transgender Catholic? Slim to nun.

What do you use to draw a bath? Water colors.

My brother quit his job as a lawyer to breed dogs. He prefers boxers over briefs.

My wife told me the dog ate her wedding ring. I said “Well that sounds like a diamond in the ruff.”

Can I still use the carpool lane if the other person is in the trunk? Asking for a friend…