WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

I don’t understand how women can have a panic attack about a broken nail but hit a curb doing 60 MPH and go “Whoops, my bad!”

I told my doctor that every time I stand up too fast I see Mickey Mouse, Pluto, and Goofy. He said it sounds like I’m just having some Disney spells.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles.

Me: “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: “But you ARE the lawyer?” Me: “Then where’s my present?”

What do you do if you see an upside down dolphin? Flipper!

TurboTax is the worse computer game ever.

How can you tell if someone was born via C-section? They try to exit the car through your sunroof.

If IKEA ever committed tax fraud, I bet the IRS would struggle to build a case against them.

What do you call a ventriloquist without his dummy? Schizophrenic.

Why don’t dogs pay taxes on their meals? Because they are all under the table.

What do you call a bloodsucking tax specialist? Account Dracula.

I have the memory of an elephant. This one time I saw one with big ears and he could fly.

When my teacher told me to turn in my essay, I told her I ain’t no snitch.

I heard that most men don’t know their wife’s favorite flower. My wife’s is easy, it’s self-rising.

Did you know that saying “burger” backwards sounds a lot like Scooby Doo offering a leg message?

No matter how lazy you feel, remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap in the middle of a burglary.

Did you know that Darth Vader has a brother in prison? His name is Taxi Vader.

Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

I want to thank whoever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

They say bananas, clean out your Cohen, but apparently you have to eat them.

Why isn’t there a clock in the library? Because it tocks too much.

I asked the librarian where the self-help section is. She said, “If I tell you, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”

What’s the best way to keep milk from going sour? Leave it in the cow.

I got some new shoes, and every time I put them on, I start speaking with a dramatic monologue. Turns out, these boots were made for Walken.

Don’t be ashamed to fart when you pee. There’s no hard rain without thunder.

How do you know it’s Spring in Florida? When all the out of state licenses start to disappear.

I got arrested for stealing a set of encyclopedias. I turned to the officer and said “Look, I can explain everything.”

What is a couch potato’s favorite exercise? Diddly squats.

What is it called when you run up and down the street knocking down on the doors for exercise? Jehovah‘s fitness.

I was going to exercise today, but all I have is this rope. Maybe I’ll just skip it.

What do you call a man who has been attacked by a vicious cat? Clawed.

My arthritis is so bad, my doctor said it’s more like early onset rigor mortis.

The writers of 2001: A Space Odyssey picked the perfect name for the robot. It’s Hal…short for Hallucinations.

It’s funny how well the magic 8 ball predicted Microsoft’s products with its “Outlook not good” response.

What kind of car do cowboys secretly dream of buying? An Audi.

I’ve done a lot of illegal things, but graffiti is where I draw the line.

I hate when people go on about their phobias. I’m terrified of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion. I know that now.

I’m done chasing people who won’t do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go find someone else.

I took a bookie’s daughter out for dinner last night. I told her dad I would have her home at ten to one.

My neighbors just started legal action against someone who is spying on them. At least that’s what the trash in their bin says.

I spent all morning at the DMV trying to get a Real ID but I forgot to bring my mom’s umbilical cord and the Declaration of Independence.

My four-year-old was so excited to learn that her pet fish is magical and changes colors after every family vacation.

Sometimes chips and queso hits so good I can’t believe it’s an over-the-counter medication and you don’t even need a prescription.

I finally told my kids that Saint Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Before therapy, I hated everyone. After therapy, I am okay with hating everyone.

Free tip: always order two coffees so they it looks like your second donut is for someone else.

At some point after cavemen discovered fire, they discovered weed. And that’s how the stoned age began.

In Star Wars, who manages the treats for the rebel alliance? Admiral snack bar.

What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.

Do you know why aliens haven’t invaded earth yet? They turned around at Uranus because of the smell.

You know what’s ironic? When a world class pianist died, the funeral was pretty low-key.

A lady was playing an old piano when a piano tuner knocked at her door. She said “I didn’t request a piano tuner.” He responded “Yeah, but your neighbors did.”

Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated when she’s practicing piano and bangs her head against it. I call it playing by ear.

Why are so many archaeologists women? Because they are skilled at digging up the past.

The principal asked me if I want to know what Board of Education means. I said “I already know, that’s why I was sleeping in class.”

Chuck Norris never made more than one trip when carrying groceries in from the car.

There was cake in the fridge with a note: "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note: "I don't take orders from cake."

I’m switching to “I hope this email finds you in a well” just to see if anyone notices. Bonus: the ones that do and find it funny can be my new people.

The fact that Tiger Woods has two DWI‘s and John Daly has none is mind-boggling. I’d have lost that bet for sure.

The average teacher's retirement plan involves hoping a former student becomes a celebrity and remembers who let them eat Hot Cheetos in second period.

I think the complimentary breakfast at my hotel is a sham. Not one person said they liked my new haircut.

The best insult ever is ‘Who is this clown’ because 1) you’re calling them a clown and 2) you’re saying they aren’t even a well-known clown.

Me: “ if Lincoln was alive today and saw how divided our country was, what do you think he’d say?” My friend: “Probably ‘help me get out of this box!’”

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

I’m so old I remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

As I fold my third load of laundry, I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked, and keep on folding.

Just over here wondering how my kids can pick up 100 Easter eggs in less than one minute but still haven’t picked up the two toys I asked them to pick up yesterday.

Back in high school I was in the French club. We didn’t really do much, but every once in a while, we would surrender to the German club.

Coffee doesn’t remove my sarcasm. It just helps it show up early and fully prepared.

The Benadryl people are geniuses. You can’t have allergies if you’re unconscious.

The PIN for Chuck Norris’s debit card is the last four digits in Pi.

Gas prices are like at summa cum laude GPA levels. Can we get them back to academic probation please?

I’m going to push a percussion instrument downhill. Drumroll, please!

You can have kids, or you can have a complete set of silverware. But not both.

Them: “Could you elaborate on that please?” Me: “Nope, I forgot what I just said.”

You mean to tell me the space shuttle is 100,000 miles away from earth and has crystal clear communication but I can’t seem to connect to my printer when I’m basically sitting on top of it?

My friend got a tattoo on his arm that says “comparison is the thief of joy.” And then I saw another friend with the same tattoo, but it was bigger and I just laughed.

Japan’s greatest tragedy is having the world’s best toilets and no Mexican food.

My grandma told me her joints were getting weaker, so I told her to try rolling them tighter.

My husband and l are having a competition to see who can hide plastic eggs in the hardest spots. Loser has to cook and clean for a week. It's been three days. He's currently tearing the garage apart while I watch Netflix. I haven't hidden a single egg.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

What happens if someone hits you on the head with a drumstick? You get a percussion.

What do you call a lifelong drummer? It doesn’t really matter, they probably can’t hear you.

Why do drummers have the best passwords? Because they use so many special cymbals.

What do you call somebody who doesn’t believe in the Easter bunny? Egg-nostic.

Why couldn’t the kids find the Easter egg in our backyard water supply? Because it was well hidden.

I asked my dad how will I know if a girl is right for me? His response: “If you still love her after walking out of an IKEA, she’s the one.”

Today is crossing some things off my to-do list. I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

The amount of energy necessary to refute BS is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.

I got my picture taken yesterday. I’m still hoping I can get it back.

Why was the broom late for school? Because he overswept.

Sometimes I wear a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors don’t stop to talk with me.

My superpower is holding onto junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it.

My mechanic just told me he couldn’t fix my brakes, so he made the horn louder.

Do you know who should be behind bars? People who pour really strong drinks.

Florida has this weird traffic problem where reptiles chase the cars. That’s all we need, more tail gators.

Dogs have two jobs: calm humans when they are stressed, and stress humans when they are calm.

The secret to making sarcastic comments at work is finding the right balance between being ‘hilarious’, and ‘the boss needs to see you.’

My daughter is in college studying to be a meteorologist. Every morning I text her and ask her if the coast is clear.