WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
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Showing 1,454 dad jokes...
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| I’m starting a job installing billboards and I’m not telling anyone, but there will be signs. |   (0) |
| Signs, Work | 4/26/2024 |
| Why was the detective fired? Because he was clueless. | (0) |
| Detectives | 4/26/2024 |
| I don’t know what all the eclipse hype was about. I’d only give it a 1-star review. | (0) |
| Eclipse, Stars | 4/26/2024 |
| Marriage is aggressive, finding out who your wife always wanted you to be. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| If you’re looking for Twitter’s headquarters, X marks the spot. | (0) |
| Social media | 4/26/2024 |
| What is a four letter word with a small laugh in the middle. | (0) |
| Words | 4/26/2024 |
| What do you call a girl who lives at the beach? Sandra. | (0) |
| Beach, Names | 4/26/2024 |
| What does a pirate say on Wheel of Fortune? Can I buy an I? | (0) |
| Pirates | 4/26/2024 |
| How do you track an eclipse using Excel? VLOOKUP. | (0) |
| Eclipse, Excel | 4/26/2024 |
| People often ask me how I can tell my wife apart from her twin. It’s easy, my wife has green eyes, and her twin is a man. | (0) |
| Relationships, Twins | 4/26/2024 |
| You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| A woman fainted on the airport baggage carousel, but it was okay, she came around. | (0) |
| Airports | 4/26/2024 |
| The boat store had a major sale on paddles. It was a pretty big oar deal. Canoe believe it! | (0) |
| Boats, Canoes | 4/26/2024 |
| Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget. | (0) |
| Accountants, Constipation | 4/26/2024 |
| Where did the founding fathers keep their money? Bank of America. | (0) |
| Banks | 4/26/2024 |
| “Was it closed?” is not the best thing to say to your wife when she gets home from a day at the beauty salon… | (0) |
| Relationships, Salons | 4/26/2024 |
| When you get older, digestion is a bit of a crapshoot. | (0) |
| Age, Digestion | 4/26/2024 |
| My girlfriend was addicted to Twitter, but she is now my ex. | (0) |
| Social media | 4/26/2024 |
| Why did the orange lose the race? Because it ran out of juice. | (0) |
| Food, Fruit, Oranges | 4/26/2024 |
| Why did the lion cross the road? To get to the other pride. | (0) |
| Animals, Lions | 4/26/2024 |
| Do you know why Aladdin always wins the magic carpet race? He uses performance enhancing rugs. | (0) |
| Aladdin, Rugs | 4/26/2024 |
| Baseball umpires have a pretty modern occupation. Every four days, they get to work from home. | (0) |
| Baseball, Work | 4/26/2024 |
| Which avenger is the best at gardening? The Hulk, he has a green thumb. | (0) |
| Avengers, Gardening, Hulk | 4/26/2024 |
| A woman once lost her wedding ring when she was gardening 15 years ago. Yesterday she found it growing on a vegetable. Now it’s a one carrot ring. | (0) |
| Gardening, Jewelry | 4/26/2024 |
| Home Depot is having a big sale on potting soil. You can get it at dirt cheap prices! | (0) |
| Dirt | 4/26/2024 |
| What’s the first thought that goes through a newborn’s mind after birth? “I’m glad to be out. I was running out of womb.” | (0) |
| Babies, Newborns | 4/26/2024 |
| I'm writing a manual about how to tumble down the stairs. It will be a step by step guide and out by next fall. | (0) |
| Books, Steps | 4/26/2024 |
| I saw my wife putting on some sexy lingerie this morning. That can only mean one thing – it’s laundry day. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 30% of their ice cream. | (0) |
| Kids, Taxes | 4/26/2024 |
| My city just began taxing garbage bags. Some people think it’s too hefty, others are glad. Personally, I think it’s full of trash. | (0) |
| Taxes, Trash | 4/26/2024 |
| I have two friends: one is a boxer, and one is an anesthesiologist. Both have knocked me out before. | (0) |
| Boxers, Doctors, Friends | 4/26/2024 |
| Did you know that if you turn it upside down, the word gullible looks like a cat? | (0) |
| Words | 4/26/2024 |
| Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he’s not chicken. | (0) |
| Animals, Turkeys | 4/26/2024 |
| How do you measure the quality of a dad joke? Use a sighs-mograph. | (0) |
| Jokes | 4/26/2024 |
| When Chuck Norris was late to school, the other kids were punished for being too early. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, School | 4/26/2024 |
| How do you know you’ve been working too long in spreadsheets? Somebody asks you to copy and paste, and all you hear is coffee and pastries. | (0) |
| Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/26/2024 |
| Today, I was struggling to get my wife’s attention. So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So I told him to leave me alone, and then I asked him why he was ignoring me. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| Why do cannibals ask so many questions before they eat their meals? They like their meat well grilled. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 4/26/2024 |
| I’ve tried writing jokes about planes, but they rarely take off and when they do, they never land well. | (0) |
| Planes | 4/26/2024 |
| My dad said he’d throw me off a cliff if I didn’t eat my vegetables. But I knew it was only a bluff. | (0) |
| Kids | 4/26/2024 |
| I asked my wife how much she spent on a bottle of wine. She said about 30 minutes. | (0) |
| Relationships, Wine | 4/26/2024 |
| I don’t know who needs to hear this, but speed enforcement cameras contain 5.5 pounds of copper. | (0) |
| Copper, Speeding | 4/26/2024 |
| Later, I’m going to give you an important lesson in playing guitar. Stay tuned. | (0) |
| Guitars | 4/26/2024 |
| I took a friend to see the world’s biggest fan. He was blown away! | (0) |
| Fans | 4/26/2024 |
| What do you call a starving hippopotamus in Budapest? A hungry, Hungary hippo. | (0) |
| Hippos | 4/26/2024 |
| What is a cannibal’s favorite weekend breakfast? French toes! | (0) |
| Cannibals | 4/26/2024 |
| I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is. But my mind keeps going blanc. | (0) |
| French, White | 4/26/2024 |
| I’ve got a couple of sock puppets for sale. Anyone interested in taking them off my hands? | (0) |
| Socks | 4/26/2024 |
| I lost my wife's audiobook. Now I'll never hear the end of it! | (0) |
| Books, Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| Pre means before. Post means after. To use both prefixes together would be...preposterous. | (0) |
| Words | 4/26/2024 |
| Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the 13th. The next day, he won the lottery. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Luck | 4/26/2024 |
| When people say they can’t see anything good in you, give them a hug and say “life is difficult for the blind.” | (0) |
| Blindness | 4/26/2024 |
| I got in a fight with one, three, five, seven, and nine. The odds were against me. | (0) |
| Numbers | 4/26/2024 |
| Good news - I farted on my wallet and now I have gas money! | (0) |
| Farts | 4/26/2024 |
| How can you tell if a pepper is angry? It gets jalapeño face. | (0) |
| Food, Peppers | 4/26/2024 |
| Not everyone can play golf the way I do. It takes a lot of balls. | (0) |
| Golf | 4/26/2024 |
| What is a unicorn’s horn made of? According to the name, it’s corn. | (0) |
| Unicorns | 4/26/2024 |
| If you cut a cake in three pieces, each is 0.33 of the cake, and if you multiply that by three, it’s only 0.99. Where’s the missing 0.01? On the knife. | (0) |
| Cake, Food, Math | 4/26/2024 |
| Chuck Norris won the Indy 500 in a Prius with a flat battery. | (0) |
| Cars, Chuck Norris | 4/26/2024 |
| When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid. | (0) |
| Stupidity | 4/26/2024 |
| What is it called when two women named Rachel get married? An inter-Rachel marriage. | (0) |
| Marriage, Rachels | 4/26/2024 |
| I went to a very, very mediocre carnival last weekend. It was called Fair Enough. | (0) |
| Carnivals, Fairs | 4/26/2024 |
| If marijuana was legalized nationwide, employment levels would remain high. | (0) |
| Drugs, Work | 4/26/2024 |
| I replaced an interstate lamp earlier. It was the high light of my day. | (0) |
| Lights | 4/26/2024 |
| I don’t get why people think lip rings are attractive. They make you look like a fish that got away. | (0) |
| Jewelry, Piercings | 4/26/2024 |
| It would be nice if some people came with a 30-second trailer so we know what we’re getting into. | (0) |
| Trailers | 4/26/2024 |
| Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn’t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet. | (0) |
| Bacon, Hotels | 4/26/2024 |
| I got rejected for a job at a moisturizer factory, but they told me to keep applying. | (0) |
| Lotion, Work | 4/26/2024 |
| Yesterday, my wife darned my socks. Then she cursed my shoes, damned my trousers, and hexed underwear. | (0) |
| Clothes, Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
| Fire-breathing dragons don’t explode. But a dino might. | (0) |
| Dinosaurs, Dragons | 4/26/2024 |
| Today I saved $347.58 by not going to Costco to buy blueberries. | (0) |
| Shopping | 4/26/2024 |
| My password expired, so I entered ChuckNorris as the new one. Google said it was too strong. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Passwords | 4/26/2024 |
| One day, I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar, and that’s when I realized my whole life was a joke. | (0) |
| Jokes | 4/26/2024 |
| I went to a comedy club last night, and the opening act was an illustrator. I wasn’t expecting much, but she really drew a crowd. | (0) |
| Artists | 4/26/2024 |
| Why don’t fish learn much in schools? Because they’re always playing hooky. | (0) |
| Fish, School | 4/26/2024 |
| Which boy band always has to wash their hands at the same time? In Sink. | (0) |
| Bands | 4/26/2024 |
| I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me. | (0) |
| Wipers | 4/7/2024 |
| What do you call a religious person that sleepwalks? A roaming catholic. | (0) |
| Catholics, Sleepwalking | 4/7/2024 |
| My daughter complains that I make too many outdated pop culture references. I told her she can just talk to the hand. | (0) |
| Pop culture | 4/7/2024 |
| What did the earthquake say to all the destroyed buildings? Sorry, my fault. | (0) |
| Earthquakes | 4/7/2024 |
| I heard on the news that someone crossed a hyena with a poodle. They’re calling it a snickerdoodle. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 4/7/2024 |
| Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum. | (0) |
| Math | 4/7/2024 |
| I found a big screen TV on eBay for only $20 because the volume was stuck on full. I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down! | (0) |
| Television | 4/7/2024 |
| Chuck Norris once strangled a guy with a wireless mouse. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 4/7/2024 |
| Scientists figured out how to grow vocal cords in a lab. The results speak for themselves! | (0) |
| Science, Speaking | 4/7/2024 |
| Head, shoulders, knees, and toes used to be a kid’s song. Now it’s just a list of all the things that hurt. | (0) |
| Children, Pain | 4/7/2024 |
| I want to give a shout out to the guy who just watched a called third strike pitch go by. | (0) |
| Baseball | 4/7/2024 |
| An Excel file walks into a bar in the bartender says, “You’re new here. Shall I start a new tab?” | (0) |
| Bars, Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/7/2024 |
| Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you should do when you take them out of the oven. | (0) |
| Food, Muffins | 4/7/2024 |
| My son was supposed to be a cloud in the school play with four other kids. But during the performance, there were eight of them. It was overcast. | (0) |
| Clowns, Plays | 4/7/2024 |
| My friend eats a lot of frozen apples. That’s pretty hard-core. | (0) |
| Apples, Food | 4/7/2024 |
| Did you hear who won the Asian cooking contest? It was a Thai. | (0) |
| Asian, Food | 4/7/2024 |
| The makers of Fast X missed a great opportunity to name it Fast Ten Your Seatbelts. | (0) |
| Fast, Furious | 4/7/2024 |
| What do you call jokes about watches and clocks? Timeless humor. | (0) |
| Time, Watches | 4/7/2024 |
| I asked my daughter to bring me a cookie and she said “Dad, I think you have a weight problem.” I said, “I know, I’m still waiting on you to bring me that cookie.” | (0) |
| Children, Cookies | 4/7/2024 |
| I’ve been taking this course on landscaping. We’ve covered a lot of ground so far. | (0) |
| Landscaping | 4/7/2024 |
| What do you call the detective that draws the corpse chalk outlines? Tracy. | (0) |
| Detectives, Homicide | 4/7/2024 |
| I’m a boxer and a bartender. My strongest punch can knock you out in more ways than one! | (0) |
| Bartenders, Boxers | 4/7/2024 |
| I was setting up a Disney+ account, and it asked me for an 8-character password. I typed Snow White and the seven dwarfs. | (0) |
| Disney, Passwords | 4/7/2024 |
| A turtle walks into a bar with a girl on its back. The bartender says "What's that on your back?" The turtle says "Oh, it's just Michelle." | (0) |
| Animals, Turtles | 4/7/2024 |
| I met my wife at a singles night. It was surprising, because I thought she was at home with the kids. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/7/2024 |
| Why does the Easter bunny's fur always look so perfect? He uses hare spray. | (0) |
| Bunny, Easter, Fur | 4/7/2024 |
| What kind of music does the Easter bunny listen to? Hip-hop. | (0) |
| Bunny, Easter, Music | 4/7/2024 |
| I’m trying to step-up my game, so I entered a stair-climbing contest. | (0) |
| Stairs | 4/7/2024 |
| I always keep a piece of candy in my pocket. It could be a life saver. | (0) |
| Candy | 4/7/2024 |
| Someone just asked me when the clocks go forward? I said, um, all the time? | (0) |
| Clocks, Time | 4/7/2024 |
| It’s April 2nd now, everything on the internet is true again. | (0) |
| April Fools, Internet | 4/7/2024 |
| What has six eyes but can’t see a thing? Three blind mice. | (0) |
| Blind, Eyes, Mice | 4/7/2024 |
| Ancient Egyptian kids did not realize that their dad would turn into a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians! | (0) |
| Kardashians, Mummies | 4/7/2024 |
| My doctor messed up and my plastic surgery was complementary. The look on my face was priceless. | (0) |
| Plastic surgery | 4/7/2024 |
| My wife always seems to be laughing and gossiping. I guess she has a great sense of rumor. | (0) |
| Relationships, Rumors | 4/7/2024 |
| We just came up with a motto for my miniature golf team: No player is bigger than the club. | (0) |
| Clubs, Golf | 4/7/2024 |
| What did the bass say when it swim into a wall? Damn. What did the wall say back? Dumb bass! | (0) |
| Animals, Fish | 4/7/2024 |
| Someone robbed my candle store. They took every scent I had. | (0) |
| Candles, Scents | 4/7/2024 |
| Which animal is the best at running track? Lap dogs. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Track | 4/7/2024 |
| How do you treat bird flu and swine flu? With tweetment and oinkment. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Flu, Pigs | 4/7/2024 |
| I put all my money on A. That’s what you call an alpha bet. | (0) |
| Bets | 4/7/2024 |
| One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. He's an anti-depress ant. | (0) |
| Animals, Ants | 4/7/2024 |
| How do you weigh a millennial? In Insta-grams. | (0) |
| Millenials, Weight | 4/7/2024 |
| My friend sent me a dad joke in the mail. It took me a few days, but I finally got it. | (0) |
| Jokes, Mail | 4/7/2024 |
| How should you eat your eggs on solar eclipse day? Sunnyside down. | (0) |
| Eclipse, Eggs | 4/7/2024 |
| What’s the best fruit for crazy people? Bananas. | (0) |
| Bananas, Food, Fruit | 4/7/2024 |
| What do you call a lady with just one leg? Ilene. | (0) |
| Names | 4/7/2024 |
| How do mathematicians deal with constipation? They work it out with a pencil. | (0) |
| Constipation, Math | 4/7/2024 |
| I heard Chuck Norris once stepped on a lego and the lego screamed in pain. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Legos | 4/7/2024 |
| What vegetable is just slightly cool? A rad-ish. | (0) |
| Food, Radish, Vegetables | 4/7/2024 |
| What do you call lice on a bald head? Homeless! | (0) |
| Baldness, Lice | 4/7/2024 |
| What should you do if you have bad gas? Spray some Febreze. It will be a total eclipse of the fart. | (0) |
| Eclipse, Farts | 4/7/2024 |
| Why are pigs afraid of email? They don’t want to be marked as spam. | (0) |
| Animals, Pigs, Spam | 4/7/2024 |
| Why did the fork break up with the knife? Because the knife refused to spoon. | (0) |
| Utensils | 4/7/2024 |
| How do you know when your stack of bills is too high? When you can’t budge it. | (1) |
| Bills, Budgets | 3/23/2024 |
| I have a serious question. What’s so great about satellite radio? | (0) |
| Radio, Satellite | 3/23/2024 |
| Why do airplane pilots not get speeding tickets? Because they are above the law. | (0) |
| Airplanes, Pilots | 3/23/2024 |
| I bought an inflatable house, but it got a hole in it. Now it seems that I live in a flat. | (0) |
| Flats, Houses | 3/23/2024 |
| If scammers just tone it down a little, they could totally get me. A million bucks? Scam. I’ve won a pizza? Sure! Here’s my Social Security number! | (1) |
| Money, Scams | 3/23/2024 |
| What keyboard shortcut do toddlers struggle with? Ctrl-p. | (0) |
| Keyboard, Shortcuts, Toddlers | 3/23/2024 |
| I just learned the keyboard shortcut Ctrl-a. This changes everything! | (0) |
| Keyboard, Shortcuts | 3/23/2024 |
| What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows | 3/23/2024 |
| True story: the Subway in Walmart ran out of lettuce. And they didn’t think to check out aisle 8. | (0) |
| Produce, Subway, Walmart | 3/23/2024 |
| Chuck Norris has a new TV series coming out to celebrate his 80th birthday. It’s called Texas Ranger with a walker. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Walker | 3/23/2024 |
| When Chuck Norris was in grade school, the teacher had to raise her hand to speak to him. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Teachers | 3/23/2024 |
| When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. | (1) |
| Chuck Norris, Telephones | 3/23/2024 |
| Chuck Norris signed his own birth certificate. | (0) |
| Birth certificates, Chuck Norris | 3/23/2024 |
| What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A round house. | (0) |
| Chuck Noris, Kicking | 3/23/2024 |
| Benjamin Franklin invented electricity. More power to him. He was probably amped up, and then a little shocked. | (1) |
| Benjamin Franklin, Electricity | 3/23/2024 |
| What’s the best way to make cold hard cash? Put it in the freezer. | (0) |
| Cash | 3/23/2024 |
| King Arthur had to let go of a few nights. Turns out they already had a sir plus. | (0) |
| Knights | 3/23/2024 |
| What do you call a Bible that’s made for blind people? The holy braille. | (0) |
| Bible, Blind | 3/23/2024 |
| My wife found out I was cheating on her when she found all the letters I was hiding. We haven’t played scrabble since. | (1) |
| Cheating, Relationships, Scrabble | 3/23/2024 |
| A carpet installer had to testify in court today. When it was his turn to speak, the judge said “You have the floor.” | (0) |
| Carpet, Court | 3/23/2024 |
| I don’t usually roll a joint, but when I do, it tends to be my ankle. | (0) |
| Joints | 3/23/2024 |
| For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard for half an hour. Apparently that’s not the Apple Watch she was hoping for. | (0) |
| Apple, Relationships | 3/23/2024 |
| I’ve gone back and forth on whether to start a record collection, but I’m going for it. That’s my vinyl decision. | (0) |
| Records | 3/23/2024 |
| What did the toilet paper say to the roll? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. | (1) |
| Toilet paper | 3/23/2024 |
| What is a cannibal’s favorite snack? Finger foods. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 3/23/2024 |
| What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. | (1) |
| Apples, Food, Worms | 3/23/2024 |
| Who is in charge of geometry? The ruler! | (0) |
| Geometry, Math | 3/23/2024 |
| Who is in charge of liquid measurements? The liter! | (0) |
| Math, Measurements | 3/23/2024 |
| Who is in charge of stocking Kleenexes? The hanker-chief! | (0) |
| Keenexes | 3/23/2024 |
| Which crayon answers the Crayola help line? Yellow! | (0) |
| Crayons | 3/23/2024 |
| Which kitchen appliance is the worst one to use as a life preserver? The sink. | (0) |
| Kitchen, Life preservers | 3/23/2024 |
| How did the parrot score on his gymnastics floor routine? Great technical score, bad sportsmanship for flipping the bird so many times. | (0) |
| Gymnastics, Parrots | 3/23/2024 |
| What’s the difference between Russell Wilson and O.J. Simpson? O.J. Simpson had a better run with a bronco. | (0) |
| Broncos | 3/23/2024 |
| Why do leprechauns and unicorns struggle to communicate? Because of myth understanding. | (0) |
| Communication, Leprechauns, Unicorns | 3/23/2024 |
| What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato. | (0) |
| Animals, Kangaroos | 3/23/2024 |
| When asked about the US-Mexico border wall, Mexicans said they find it annoying, but they’ll get over it. | (0) |
| Border, Wall | 3/23/2024 |
| My four year old nephew is learning Spanish, but he doesn’t know how to say, please. That’s a little poor for four. | (0) |
| Please, Spanish | 3/23/2024 |
| I made a collage out of all the speeding and parking tickets I’ve gotten in my life. I guess you could say I’ve mastered the fine arts. | (0) |
| Art, Fines, Speeding | 3/23/2024 |
| Today is the first day of spring in America. I’m so excited, I wet my plants. | (0) |
| Plants, Spring | 3/23/2024 |
| Why can’t you tell secrets on the farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans talk. | (0) |
| Farms, Secrets | 3/23/2024 |
| What did the accountant say while building a spreadsheet in April? This is taxing. | (0) |
| Accountants, Spreadsheets, Taxes | 3/23/2024 |
| As I walked into IKEA for an interview, the manager greeted me saying, “Come in, make a seat!” | (0) |
| IKEA | 3/23/2024 |
| We haven’t yet found a solution to climate change, but we’re getting warmer. | (0) |
| Climate change | 3/23/2024 |
| I’m not a fan of French people. They give me the crêpes. | (0) |
| French | 3/23/2024 |
| How do you filter out the dumb people on Tinder? Tell them you're 5 foot 12. | (0) |
| Dating, Filters | 3/23/2024 |
| I asked the Starbucks barista why she was wearing a mask. She said it's just her coughy filter. | (0) |
| Coffee, Filters | 3/23/2024 |
| I really don’t have a problem with drinking and driving. It’s all those missed putts that really frustrate me. | (0) |
| Drinking, Driving, Golf, Putting | 3/23/2024 |
| Comedians are used to being roasted. But it can turn deadly if you’re in a room full of cannibals. | (0) |
| Cannibals, Comedians | 3/23/2024 |
| Unlike Forrest Gump, I run like the wind-ed. | (0) |
| Running | 3/23/2024 |
| Why did Sherlock Holmes get audited by the IRS? He took too many deductions. | (0) |
| Detectives, Taxes | 3/23/2024 |
| Why do football players always wear new socks? So they never smell defeat! | (0) |
| Football, Socks | 3/23/2024 |
| The cashier at Burger King had a name tag that said pat on it. Long story short, I’m banned there for life. | (0) |
| Burger King | 3/23/2024 |
| What happens if a zombie and a vampire bite you at the same time? You’re watching a trash. Netflix show. | (0) |
| Netflix | 3/23/2024 |
| Some guy dropped a bunch of scrabble tiles outside. That’s the word on the street. | (0) |
| Scrabble, Tiles | 3/23/2024 |
| I’m done donating blood…too many questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it? And why is it in that bucket? | (0) |
| Blood | 3/23/2024 |
| They say that time heals all wounds. Well time also wounds all heels. | (1) |
| Time | 3/2/2024 |
| The Rock left wrestling because all the WWE fans took him for granite. | (2) |
| The Rock, Wrestling | 3/2/2024 |
| If you’re wondering if your dog or wife loves you more, lock them both in the trunk and see which one is happy to see you when you open it. | (1) |
| Animals, Dogs, Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
| I found this great place online to order sausage. I’ll send you a link. | (0) |
| Link, Sausage | 3/2/2024 |
| Why a man wants a wife is a mystery, but why he would want two, is a bigamystery. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
| McDonald’s should have a third window where you can trade in all the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window. | (0) |
| Food, Restaurants | 3/2/2024 |
| No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?!? | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
| Why are they called dental x-rays and not tooth pics? | (0) |
| Dentists | 3/2/2024 |
| In California, they just passed a law saying all guitars must be electric by 2030. | (0) |
| California, Guitars | 3/2/2024 |
| My niece calls me Ankle. I call her Knees. We’re a joint family. | (0) |
| Family, Joints | 3/2/2024 |
| Someone sent me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I’m being stalked. | (0) |
| Flowers | 3/2/2024 |
| If you walk into a bar, and there are several people waiting to beat you up, that’s the punchline. | (0) |
| Bars | 3/2/2024 |
| My doctor said I need to cut some carbs in my diet. So now I am no longer buying pre-sliced bread. | (0) |
| Bread, Diets, Food | 3/2/2024 |
| My mechanic told me to rent the same car I have and then he'll exchange the gearbox. | (0) |
| Cars | 3/2/2024 |
| I went to a ballet last night. All those women dancing on their tip-toes. Made me wonder why they didn't just find taller women. | (0) |
| Ballet | 3/2/2024 |
| What did Mars say to Saturn? Hey, give me a ring sometime! | (0) |
| Planets | 3/2/2024 |
| How does the drummer sell his pillows? A dollar percussion. | (0) |
| Bands, Drums, Pillows | 3/2/2024 |
| An actor broke his leg while trying out for a play. Good news though, he still made the cast. | (0) |
| Acting | 3/2/2024 |
| Bruce Lee had a younger brother named Brock. Ironically, he wasn’t much of a vegetable fan. | (1) |
| Food, Martial arts | 3/2/2024 |
| I tell a lot of cow jokes. I milk them for all they’re worth. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Milk | 3/2/2024 |
| I met a nice guy at the gas station yesterday. His name is Phil. | (0) |
| Gas | 3/2/2024 |
| I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time! | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, eBay | 3/2/2024 |
| What happens when two antennas get married? Short wedding, great reception. | (0) |
| Antenna, Weddings | 3/2/2024 |
| I don’t mind leg day at the gym. It’s just the two days afterwards that I can’t stand. | (1) |
| Gym, Legs | 3/2/2024 |
| What happens if you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow? Two animals in a baaaad mooood. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Sheep | 3/2/2024 |
| What do you call three Ford sedans in the driveway? A Ford fiesta. | (0) |
| Cars | 3/2/2024 |
| What do you call a romantic Saturday dinner in a hot air balloon? A weekend up date. | (1) |
| Balloons, Dates, Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
| My workout routine calls for crunches twice a day: captain in the morning and Nestle in the evening. | (0) |
| Workouts | 3/2/2024 |
| People who say anything is possible clearly haven’t ever tried to staple jello to a tree. | (0) |
| Jello | 3/2/2024 |
| How many times do I have to hit “I accept cookies” before the cookies start showing up? | (1) |
| Cookies | 3/2/2024 |
| The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga hit the road together. It was called the Goo Goo Gaga Tour. | (0) |
| Music | 3/2/2024 |
| We’ve never had a winner in the local knot competition. It always ends up in a tie. | (0) |
| Knots, Ties | 3/2/2024 |
| What’s the best place to eat out on leap day? IHOP. | (0) |
| Food, Leap day, Restaurants | 3/2/2024 |
| Please don’t call it a dad bod. I prefer it to be called a father figure. | (0) |
| Dads | 3/2/2024 |
| I just released my own fragrance. But nobody in the car seemed to like it. | (0) |
| Farts, Fragrances | 3/2/2024 |
| Nothing is impossible? I totally disagree. I’m doing nothing right now. It’s totally possible. | (0) |
| Laziness | 3/2/2024 |
| I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels. She didn’t even know I existed. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
| There’s only one girl and 86 quirky guys in my statistics class. Her odds are good, but the goods are odd. | (0) |
| Relationships, Statistics | 3/2/2024 |
| Apple cancelled their plans to make a car after realizing it would require windows. | (0) |
| Apple, Cars, Windows | 3/2/2024 |
| How do you console an English teacher? There, their, they're. | (0) |
| Grammar | 3/2/2024 |
| My mom asked me to hand out invites for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was the favorite twin. | (0) |
| Children, Parties, Twins | 2/16/2024 |
| Some people are mad because I don’t give away Excel files. They say I’m cell-fish. But I don’t really give a sheet. | (0) |
| Excel, Spreadsheets | 2/16/2024 |
| You know who’s really full of themselves? Russian nesting dolls. | (0) |
| Dolls | 2/16/2024 |
| My poker buddies said I should learn to read people. I’ve read a dozen issues and I haven’t gotten any better at poker. | (0) |
| People, Poker | 2/16/2024 |
| I ordered a thesaurus, and when it arrived, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am. | (0) |
| Thesaurus, Words | 2/16/2024 |
| What’s the best thing about Edam cheese? It’s made backwards. | (0) |
| Cheese, Food | 2/16/2024 |
| How many clickbait articles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer will shock you. | (0) |
| Light bulbs | 2/16/2024 |
| I have to sing whenever I am happy or sad. It keeps me in tune with my emotions. | (0) |
| Emotions, Singing | 2/16/2024 |
| Did you hear about Baby Yoda‘s first word? It came right after his second word! | (0) |
| Babies, Yoda | 2/16/2024 |
| Someone told me that I’m terrible at remembering names. | (0) |
| Memory, Names | 2/16/2024 |
| Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher? | (0) |
| Children, Drinking, Teachers | 2/16/2024 |
| My dad ran a coal company all by himself. He mined his own business. | (0) |
| Business, Mines | 2/16/2024 |
| My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program. Now I have a little boy to tell all my dad jokes to! | (0) |
| Children | 2/16/2024 |
| What happened when Mario wrecked his kart? He got Toad. | (0) |
| Mario Kart | 2/16/2024 |
| As I get older, it gets tougher to go up and down ladders. I think it’s due to climb-it change. | (0) |
| Ladders | 2/16/2024 |
| Studies show that humans only use 10% of their brains on average. What about the other 80%? | (0) |
| Brains, Humans | 2/16/2024 |
| Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian plastic surgeon? To get a faith lift. | (0) |
| Boxers, Christians | 2/16/2024 |
| What’s the difference between a poetry major and a savings bond? Eventually, a savings bond will mature and earn money. | (0) |
| Bonds, Poetry | 2/16/2024 |
| My wife left me because of a gambling problem, but I know I can win her back. | (0) |
| Gambling, Relationships | 2/16/2024 |
| Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so I went for a run. | (0) |
| Relationships, Walking | 2/16/2024 |
| I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully, I was already at the office. | (0) |
| Sleep, Work | 2/16/2024 |
| Why do horses make bad politicians? They always vote nay. | (0) |
| Animals, Horses, Politicians | 2/16/2024 |
| What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The invention of the second telephone. | (0) |
| Inventions, Telephones | 2/16/2024 |
| Which animal has the best memory? A ram. | (0) |
| Animals, Rams | 2/16/2024 |
| If you only go to the ice rink on half-off day, that makes you a cheap skate. | (0) |
| Skating | 2/16/2024 |
| My wife and I went on a once in a lifetime trip. When we got home, I told her, we’re never doing that again. | (0) |
| Relationships, Vacations | 2/16/2024 |
| My ice scraper was broken, I used a discount card to scrape the ice on the windshield. I only got 20% off. | (0) |
| Discounts, Ice | 2/16/2024 |
| Try not to eat too many synonyms, otherwise you’ll have thesaurus throat ever. | (0) |
| Thesaurus, Words | 2/16/2024 |
| A friend of mine who stutters a lot died in prison. The poor guy couldn’t even finish his sentence. | (0) |
| Prisoners, Stutter | 2/16/2024 |
| I’m not a fan of celery. I always feel like it’s stalking me. | (0) |
| Celery, Food | 2/16/2024 |
| Finding a yeti in the woods was no small feet. | (0) |
| Animals, Yeti | 2/16/2024 |
| Being a sailor comes with great job security. Work doesn’t ever dry up. | (0) |
| Sailors, Work | 2/16/2024 |
| You must be a bank loan, because you’ve caught my interest. | (0) |
| Banks, Interest, Loans, Pick-up lines | 2/16/2024 |
| What did one pig say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Don’t go bacon my heart. | (0) |
| Animals, Pigs, Valentines | 2/16/2024 |
| If you were a cantaloupe, I’d say you were one in a melon. | (0) |
| Food, Melons, Pick-up lines | 2/16/2024 |
| Usain Bolt's son is really really fast. It must run in the family. | (0) |
| Athletes, Runners | 2/16/2024 |
| When my wife was in labor, she must have said “I can’t” 1,000 times. The delivery doctor said he’d never heard of so many contractions. | (0) |
| Birth, Contractions | 2/16/2024 |
| What did the pasta say to the tomato? I love it when you get saucy. | (0) |
| Pasta, Tomatoes | 2/16/2024 |
| If two artists get into a fight, it usually ends up in a draw. | (0) |
| Artists, Drawing | 2/16/2024 |
| Trying to get a frisbee unstuck from a tree by throwing a football edit wasn’t my worst decision today. But it’s up there. | (0) |
| Frisbees, Trees | 2/16/2024 |
| What do you call a fruit that can sing? John Lemmon. | (0) |
| Fruit, Lemons | 2/16/2024 |
| I’m in a good mood today because it’s Super Bowl Sunday! Yesterday was a sadder day. | (0) |
| Super Bowl | 2/16/2024 |
| I just finished reading a beautiful story in braille. It was really touching. | (0) |
| Blind, Braille | 2/16/2024 |
| Our dogs got to play extra long at our Super Bowl party this year, because the game went into rover time. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Super Bowl | 2/16/2024 |
| What do you call a gastrointestinal doctor named Joseph? G.I. Joe. | (0) |
| Doctors | 2/16/2024 |
| I’m on two diets right now. The first one didn’t have enough food. | (0) |
| Diets, Food | 2/16/2024 |
| Which band is the best at archery? Aerosmith. | (0) |
| Arrows, Bands | 2/16/2024 |
| What do you call a framed guy who breaks out of prison? An escapegoat. | (0) |
| Prisoners | 2/16/2024 |
| What is it called when you get attacked by a group of plants? An ambush. | (0) |
| Plants | 2/16/2024 |
| I rented a limo for this evening and found out it doesn’t come with a driver. I spent $500, and have nothing to chauffeur it. | (0) |
| Drivers | 2/16/2024 |
| I went on a date with a nun, but she never called me back. I got holy ghosted. | (0) |
| Nuns | 2/16/2024 |
| There’s a man who lives on the roof of the museum. He likes to dwell on the past. | (0) |
| Museums | 2/16/2024 |
| Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one asks for H2O. The second one asks for H2O2. The second one died. | (0) |
| Chemistry | 2/16/2024 |
| My financial advisor told me to buy wind chimes. It’s a pretty sound investment. | (0) |
| Investments | 2/16/2024 |
| Why did the marching band play so slowly? Because it was a half-time show. | (0) |
| Bands, Music | 1/27/2024 |
| I DON’T USE LOWER-CASE LETTERS LIKE A SOCIALIST. I PREFER CAPITALISM. | (1) |
| Capitalisim | 1/27/2024 |
| Big difference between men and women: if a woman says, “Here, smell this,” it usually smells nice. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| Ever notice how THE IRS and THEIRS look a lot alike? | (0) |
| IRS, Taxes | 1/27/2024 |
| An ice-making company lost their power last night. Their inventory was liquidated. | (1) |
| Ice, Money | 1/27/2024 |
| My screensaver is a bunch of different spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice if I haven’t touched my computer in over an hour. | (1) |
| Screensavers, Spreadsheets, Work | 1/27/2024 |
| My friend thinks it’s OK to give drugs to animals. He needs to get off his high horse. | (0) |
| Animals, Drugs, Horses | 1/27/2024 |
| What do you call a rabbit that works as an anesthesiologist? The Ether bunny! | (0) |
| Animals, Doctors, Rabbits | 1/27/2024 |
| What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, I’ll go on a head. | (0) |
| Clothing | 1/27/2024 |
| What do you do with an Excel error message? Put it in cell FU2. | (0) |
| Errors, Excel | 1/27/2024 |
| I think it feels good squirreling money away each month. But my wife thinks it’s nuts. | (0) |
| Animals, Money, Squirrels | 1/27/2024 |
| The listing for my apartment was misleading when it said you could hear a pin drop. It’s right above a bowling alley, and I can hear every one of them. | (0) |
| Bowling | 1/27/2024 |
| Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of uncooked popcorn. That will make the cremation more interesting! | (0) |
| Creamation, Food, Popcorn | 1/27/2024 |
| I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it. | (0) |
| Kleptomaniacs | 1/27/2024 |
| What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You should go home, you look drunk. | (0) |
| Drinking | 1/27/2024 |
| What do you call a speech given by a military leader? A general statement. | (0) |
| Generals, Speeches | 1/27/2024 |
| What song does a cowboy listen to when updating a spreadsheet? Home on the range. | (0) |
| Cowboys, Excel | 1/27/2024 |
| I got a wedding invitation that said “Your presence itself is a gift. We don’t want any gifts at the wedding.” So I didn’t go. | (0) |
| Gifts, Weddings | 1/27/2024 |
| What do you call replacing a backyard second-floor window? A pane in the rear. | (0) |
| Windows | 1/27/2024 |
| When I go hiking, I listen to Eminem, Peanuts, and The Cranberries. It’s my trail mix. | (0) |
| Hiking, Music | 1/27/2024 |
| What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bies! | (0) |
| Bees, Milk | 1/27/2024 |
| It was so cold this winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets! | (0) |
| Lawyers | 1/27/2024 |
| What kind of car does an eye doctor drive? A cataract! | (0) |
| Cars, Doctors | 1/27/2024 |
| Accidentally dropped a bucket of paint on my boss at work. Boy was he blue in the face! | (0) |
| Paint, Work | 1/27/2024 |
| I didn’t used to be an organ donor, but I had a change of heart. | (0) |
| Hearts, Organs | 1/27/2024 |
| What does a grumpy cannibal do? Bites everybody’s head off. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 1/27/2024 |
| With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him. | (0) |
| Music, Trucks | 1/27/2024 |
| How do you change the tire on a wooden car? With a lumberjack! | (0) |
| Cars, Wood | 1/27/2024 |
| My poop was looking like a rainbow so my doctor gave me a test. I passed with flying colors! | (0) |
| Poop, Rainbows | 1/27/2024 |
| Somebody stole my wife’s identity. But they’re spending less money than her, so I’m going to let it ride. | (0) |
| Money, Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE…it downloads Chrome twice as fast! | (0) |
| Browsers, Computers | 1/27/2024 |
| This year, no spreadsheets for 40 days. It will be Excel lent. | (0) |
| Excel, Lent, Spreadsheets | 1/27/2024 |
| Amazon is coming up with a male version of Alexa. It will be called Alex, and you'll have to repeat yourself at least 10 times before it listens. | (0) |
| Relationships, Technology | 1/27/2024 |
| Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo. | (0) |
| Typos | 1/27/2024 |
| The first batch of spam was made in 1937. The second batch is being made next week. | (0) |
| Food, Spam | 1/27/2024 |
| When a woman says five more minutes, what she really means is five minutes left in the fourth quarter with all the time outs left. | (1) |
| Relationships, Sports | 1/27/2024 |
| Why shouldn’t you talk to zombies? They might pick your brain. | (0) |
| Zombies | 1/27/2024 |
| I went to a restaurant in Texas. That was so bad, I gave it a lone-star review. | (0) |
| Restaurants, Texas | 1/27/2024 |
| When is a final exam a piece of cake? When you’re in baking school. | (0) |
| Baking, School | 1/27/2024 |
| My deaf wife left me for a deaf man. I should have seen the signs. | (0) |
| Deaf, Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| Three of the hardest things for people to say are “I’m sorry”, “I was wrong”, and “Worcestershire sauce.” | (0) |
| Speaking | 1/27/2024 |
| I got some shoes with memory foam inserts. I’m hoping now I won’t forget why I walked into a room! | (0) |
| Memory, Shoes | 1/27/2024 |
| I bought some Bluetooth-enabled socks. But I’m having trouble pairing them. | (0) |
| Clothes, Technology | 1/27/2024 |
| A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The algorithm says “What’s everyone else having?” | (0) |
| Bars, Machine Learning | 1/27/2024 |
| Sometimes it’s awkward introducing my ex-girlfriend. My wife hates it when I call her that. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| The next time the news mentions salt and ice, it better be a really good margarita recipe! | (1) |
| Margaritas, Weather | 1/27/2024 |
| My friend just got married to his wife, who is from Korea. Now they’re Seoul mates. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| What does an ironic braille sign say? Do not touch. | (0) |
| Blind, Braille | 1/27/2024 |
| What happens when your remote’s pause button doesn’t work and you’re watching a Tom Cruise movie? Intermission impossible. | (0) |
| Movies, Remotes | 1/27/2024 |
| Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Thanks to everyone who doesn't have it. | (0) |
| Common Sense | 1/27/2024 |
| Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, while you were arguing about that glass of water, I drank it. Signed, the Opportunist. | (0) |
| Opportunist, Water | 1/27/2024 |
| 80% of arguments happen because someone hasn’t eaten yet. | (0) |
| Arguments, Food | 1/27/2024 |
| I don’t always wake up grumpy. Usually I let her sleep in. | (0) |
| Relationships, Sleep | 1/27/2024 |
| I asked my wife to act like a naughty school girl. She forged a note from her mom saying she didn’t have to participate. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
| The worst accounting inventory method is FISH: First In, Still Here. | (0) |
| Accounting | 1/27/2024 |
| Just told my kids I’m older than Google and they thought I was joking. Then I told them to Google it. | (0) |
| Age, Children, Computers | 1/7/2024 |
| My kids have been on eBay all day. If they’re still there tomorrow, I will lower the price and offer free shipping. | (0) |
| Children | 1/7/2024 |
| I don’t recommend drinking while you wrap Christmas presents. Also if anybody gets a TV remote, I need it back. | (0) |
| Christmas, Presents, Remotes | 1/7/2024 |
| Who leads accountants when they go to battle? The General Ledger! | (0) |
| Accountants | 1/7/2024 |
| Someone stole another one of my cows. I think it’s time to beef up the security. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows | 1/7/2024 |
| Why aren’t alligators good at multitasking? They are so swamped. | (0) |
| Alligators, Animals | 1/7/2024 |
| When Oxygen and Magnesium started dating, I was like OMG! | (0) |
| Chemistry, Dating | 1/7/2024 |
| If you only drink Coca-Cola because of the logo, you may have buy polar disorder. | (0) |
| Drinks | 1/7/2024 |
| I quit my job as a scuba diver. Deep down, it just wasn’t for me. | (0) |
| Diving, Work | 1/7/2024 |
| If that special someone in your life wants diamonds for Christmas, you can always go for a deck of cards. | (0) |
| Diamonds, Relationships | 1/7/2024 |
| It must be stressful working at an unemployment office, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come to work the next day. | (1) |
| Unemployment, Work | 1/7/2024 |
| If you buy a used watch that only shows hours and minutes, is it still a second-hand watch? | (0) |
| Watches | 1/7/2024 |
| I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk. But I never got the chants. | (0) |
| Monks | 1/7/2024 |
| According to my chemistry teacher, alcohol is a solution! | (0) |
| Alcohol, Chemistry, Teachers | 1/7/2024 |
| I stole a board game the other day. My parents always said I was a risk-taker. | (0) |
| Children, Games | 1/7/2024 |
| I don’t like the metric system, but we keep inching our way towards it. | (0) |
| Measurement | 1/7/2024 |
| Rage Against The Machine never specified what they were so angry about, but I imagine it had to have been a printer. | (0) |
| Music, Printers | 1/7/2024 |
| Why do pirates struggle with the alphabet? They spend years at C. | (0) |
| Pirates | 1/7/2024 |
| I have CDO. It's kinda like OCD, but in alphabetical order as it should be. | (0) |
| OCD | 1/7/2024 |
| When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not wash the dishes or vacuum. | (0) |
| Chores, Relationships | 1/7/2024 |
| If the Earth really was flat, cats would’ve found out how to push everything off of it by now. | (0) |
| Animals, Cats, Earth | 1/7/2024 |
| I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I’ve made a New Year’s resolution: no more reading! | (0) |
| Drinking, Reading, Smoking | 1/7/2024 |
| I got fired because I smile a lot. I told my boss that if I can’t smile on the job, get yourself another funeral director! | (0) |
| Work | 1/7/2024 |
| I told my wife she should have been a geologist studying tectonic plates. She is so good at finding faults. | (0) |
| Faults, Geology | 1/7/2024 |
| The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe. | (0) |
| Earth | 1/7/2024 |
| I once thought I had a Japanese friend. Turns out it was just my imagine Asian. | (0) |
| Friends | 1/7/2024 |
| Why did Jesus always leave the door open? Because he was born in a barn. | (0) |
| Jesus, Religion | 1/7/2024 |
| What is it called when Cinnamon and Nutmeg wish you happy holidays? Seasonings Greetings! | (0) |
| Food, Holidays | 1/7/2024 |
| I ordered a burger with lettuce wrapping. No bun intended! | (0) |
| Burgers, Food | 1/7/2024 |
| What do you call an anxious dinosaur? Nervous Rex. | (0) |
| Dinosaurs | 1/7/2024 |
| What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the saloon? Who shot my paw? | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 1/7/2024 |
| I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they are going and hook up with them later. | (0) |
| Dreams | 1/7/2024 |
| My son asked me what it was like to be a parent. So I woke him up at 2 AM to tell him my sock came off. | (0) |
| Children, Parents | 1/7/2024 |
| If you crossed Mozart with Cinderella, you’d have Mozzarella. | (0) |
| Food, Music | 1/7/2024 |
| What did the atheist beaver say when he got to hell? Well I’ll be dammed… | (0) |
| Animals, Beavers | 1/7/2024 |
| You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use duct tape. | (0) |
| Tools | 1/7/2024 |
| The first million people that send me $1 will get my guide on how to become a millionaire. | (0) |
| Money, Scams | 1/7/2024 |
| What does someone with diarrhea have in common with an electric car owner? They both hope they’ll make it home! | (0) |
| Cars, Diarrhea | 1/7/2024 |
| What is it called when you dream of being in a different bathroom? An out-of-potty experience. | (0) |
| Bathrooms, Dreams | 1/7/2024 |
| A cartoonist was found dead at home. The details are sketchy. | (0) |
| Cartoons | 1/7/2024 |
| Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, followed by a terrible winter. | (0) |
| Nursery Rhymes | 1/7/2024 |
| What is it called when you’re staring at the back of a boat? A stern look. | (0) |
| Boats | 1/7/2024 |
| Last night I wrote a math formula on my drunk friend’s forehead. You should have seen the expression on his face! | (0) |
| Friends, Math | 1/7/2024 |
| Scientists just figured out how to weigh a rainbow. Turns out it was pretty light. | (0) |
| Rainbows | 1/7/2024 |
| When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades. | (0) |
| Charades | 1/7/2024 |
| Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Now, you can’t tell me that’s a coincidence. | (0) |
| Bars, Conspiracies | 1/7/2024 |
| What is a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes? White Vans. | (0) |
| Kidnappers | 1/7/2024 |
| A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. | (0) |
| Resolutions | 1/7/2024 |
| Teaching kids about fungus is a great way to mold young minds. | (0) |
| Fungus, Kids, School | 1/7/2024 |
| No one laughed at my geography joke. I guess you had to be there. | (0) |
| Geography | 1/7/2024 |
| A 9-year-old girl disappeared after using moisturizer that makes you look 10 years younger. | (0) |
| Children | 1/7/2024 |
| Did you hear about the town that legalized weed but banned alcohol? The residents were left high and dry. | (0) |
| Alcohol, Weed | 1/7/2024 |
| I used to program in my sleep, but the bed bugs were a pain. | (0) |
| Programmers, Sleep | 1/7/2024 |
| What does a competitive salary mean? It means the salary will be competing against all your bills. | (0) |
| Salary, Work | 1/7/2024 |
| Why don’t buffaloes have cell phones? Because they can’t afford all the roaming charges. | (0) |
| Animals, Buffaloes, Phones | 1/7/2024 |
| A pirate thought he lost his stash. Turns out it was right under his nose. | (0) |
| Pirates | 1/7/2024 |
| If it wasn't for that nice man who discovered electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight! | (0) |
| Electricity | 12/18/2023 |
| Someone recommended I start my presentations with a joke. So I put a picture of my paycheck on the first slide. | (0) |
| Paycheck | 12/14/2023 |
| I asked my vegan girlfriend if she would try my meatloaf. She said she would do anything for love, but she won’t do that. | (1) |
| Love, Music, Vegans | 12/14/2023 |
| My grief counselor just died. But he’s so good, I don’t even care. | (1) |
| Grief | 12/14/2023 |
| I think it’s annoying when people do polls in meetings and presentations. Can I get a show of hands of people who agree? | (0) |
| Meetings, Polls | 12/14/2023 |
| I made a graph of my past relationships. It had an ex and why axis. | (0) |
| Math, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| The Grand Canyon was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the ground for being too flat. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| When Chuck Norris makes a joke about Jada, Will Smith slaps himself. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| There was a street named Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's decendents are now known as giraffes. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris lifts weights to get them in shape. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups. He pushes the Earth down. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
| Do you know what really catches my eye? Kids with umbrellas. | (0) |
| Children, Umbrellas | 12/14/2023 |
| What Asian stereotype do you hear the most? I’ve got a Sony at home. | (0) |
| Sony, Stereotypes | 12/14/2023 |
| The next time your kids tell you they’re bored, tell them you have the perfect spot for them… at Home Depot next to the lumber. | (0) |
| Boredom, Children | 12/14/2023 |
| I’m going to tell a Bryan Adams joke. Please forgive me if it cuts like a knife. | (1) |
| Bryan Adams, Music | 12/14/2023 |
| I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from steak farm. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Farms, Insurance | 12/14/2023 |
| Why did the snowman go to the dentist? To fix his frostbite. | (0) |
| Dentists, Snowmen | 12/14/2023 |
| If you have trouble with math, put on some glasses. It really helps with division. | (0) |
| Math, Vision | 12/14/2023 |
| The other night, my wife wore some slinky lingerie. She looked great going down the stairs! | (0) |
| Relationships, Slinkys | 12/14/2023 |
| The best Christmas gift is a broken drum. You can’t beat that! | (0) |
| Christmas, Drums | 12/14/2023 |
| What’s the worst thing to hear a surgeon to say during an operation? Pretty much anything. | (0) |
| Doctors | 12/14/2023 |
| Whenever I get change for paying in cash, I ask for pennies. It makes a lot of sense. | (0) |
| Change, Money | 12/14/2023 |
| What do you call a family full of bakers? Dough nuts. | (0) |
| Bakers | 12/14/2023 |
| My lumberjack works pro bono. It’s his random axe of kindness. | (0) |
| Lumberjacks | 12/14/2023 |
| Guess who I bumped into on my way to getting my glasses fixed? Everybody. | (1) |
| Glasses | 12/14/2023 |
| When I fly, I like to hang air fresheners in the plane. It helps with descent. | (1) |
| Planes, Scents | 12/14/2023 |
| We squint at the sun because it’s bright. We squint at people because they are not. | (1) |
| Stupidity, Sun | 12/14/2023 |
| Things I’d love to see: an upper-level observation deck with a full bar at Wal-Mart. | (0) |
| Wal-Mart | 12/14/2023 |
| If you had to pick between world peace, and a Lamborghini, which color would you pick? | (0) |
| Cars, Peace | 12/14/2023 |
| Swimming with dolphins is expensive, but swimming with sharks is worse. It costs an arm and a leg. | (0) |
| Dolphins, Sharks | 12/14/2023 |
| As I watch the dog chasing his tail, I thought, dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was the one watching the dog. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 12/14/2023 |
| What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly? Stationary. | (0) |
| Airplanes, Paper | 12/14/2023 |
| I’m all for solar energy but not wind energy. Not a big fan. | (0) |
| Energy | 12/14/2023 |
| Don't throw sodium chloride at people. That's a salt. Use another seasoning greeting instead! | (0) |
| Salt, Seasonings | 12/14/2023 |
| Why did the grizzly get a D- in his hibernation class? Because he did the bear minimum. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears | 12/14/2023 |
| The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words. | (0) |
| Bugs, Words | 12/14/2023 |
| I didn’t want to spend money on an ancestry DNA kit to learn about my relatives, so I just posted online that I won the lottery. | (0) |
| Family | 12/14/2023 |
| I met an Australian guy who specializes in business loans. He’s the funder from down under. | (0) |
| Banks | 12/14/2023 |
| Which fruit do people find most appealing? A banana. | (0) |
| Bananas, Food, Fruit | 12/14/2023 |
| You wanna know the worst thing about paper jokes? They are all tearable. | (0) |
| Paper | 12/14/2023 |
| How do you know a carpenter is nervous? He is biting his nails. | (0) |
| Carpenters | 12/14/2023 |
| I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. | (0) |
| Games | 12/14/2023 |
| My doctor says I should watch my drinking. So now I use a mirror. | (0) |
| Alcohol, Drinking | 12/14/2023 |
| A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. | (0) |
| Money, Taxes | 12/14/2023 |
| What do you call a penguin in the desert? He’s lost, clearly! | (0) |
| Animals, Penguins | 12/14/2023 |
| I told a joke so good at work that the head of HR wants to hear it now! | (0) |
| Work | 12/14/2023 |
| The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.” | (0) |
| Adults | 12/14/2023 |
| I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money. | (0) |
| Money, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
| I got a great deal on a new boat I bought on Black Friday. It’s my sale boat! | (0) |
| Boats | 12/14/2023 |
| If the reception isn’t very good in your office, it might be time to find a new secretary. | (0) |
| Reception, Work | 12/14/2023 |
| My dad goes by the clock store every day on his walk. He does it just to pass the time. | (0) |
| Clocks, Time | 12/14/2023 |
| What do you call someone who fixes broken instruments? A Band-Aid! | (0) |
| Band, Instruments, Music | 12/14/2023 |
| I asked a German girl for her phone number and all I got was nine. I’m still waiting for the other digits. | (0) |
| German, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
| A father threatened to throw his son’s phone out the window. The son just laughed because he knew his phone was in airplane mode. | (0) |
| Airplanes, Children | 12/14/2023 |
| If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” on it, it could be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. | (0) |
| Religion | 12/14/2023 |
| If you want sound sleep, you should try leaving some music on. | (0) |
| Music, Sleep | 12/14/2023 |
| I went to the doctor to test my hearing, and he asked me to describe the symptoms. I said they’re yellow, crude, and they live in Springfield. | (0) |
| Doctors, Hearing, Simpsons | 12/14/2023 |
| Do you know what really gets on my nerves? My skin. | (0) |
| Skin | 12/14/2023 |
| If laziness was an olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I didn't have to walk up to the podium. | (0) |
| Laziness | 12/5/2023 |
| Anyone seen my Gone in Sixty Seconds DVD? It was here a minute ago… | (2) |
| Movies, Time | 11/24/2023 |
| Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one photo of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. | (1) |
| Children, Names | 11/24/2023 |
| If a UFO lands and is identified, is it just an O? | (0) |
| UFOs | 11/24/2023 |
| I asked my wife and daughters if they wanted to hear a joke about bugs, and all I got was crickets. | (0) |
| Animals, Bugs | 11/24/2023 |
| Lance isn't a common name these days. But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot. | (0) |
| Medieval times, Names | 11/24/2023 |
| We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the…Minneapolis? | (0) |
| Places | 11/24/2023 |
| I was going to tell a music joke, but someone beat me to it. | (0) |
| Music | 11/24/2023 |
| What do dentists call x-rays? Tooth pics. | (0) |
| Dentists | 11/24/2023 |
| I had a rude, slow, and sarcastic cashier today at the store. I don’t understand why self check out is so popular. | (0) |
| Shopping | 11/24/2023 |
| How many software programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware problem. | (1) |
| Programmers | 11/24/2023 |
| My kids are really into cultural food. They’ll eat chicken nuggets just about anywhere. | (0) |
| Children, Food | 11/24/2023 |
| Did you hear about the man who was arrested by the fashion police? He was being questioned about his criminal ties. | (0) |
| Fashion | 11/24/2023 |
| You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet. | (0) |
| Clothes | 11/24/2023 |
| Can someone update me on what's offensive today. It's hard to keep up. | (0) |
| Offensive, Woke | 11/24/2023 |
| Does anybody know a good towel joke? I’m looking for some dry humor. | (0) |
| Towels | 11/24/2023 |
| I got an email telling me how to spell part backwards. I’m pretty sure it was a trap. | (0) |
| Traps | 11/24/2023 |
| Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store. | (1) |
| Groceries | 11/24/2023 |
| If you say you’re not going on vacation this year within earshot of your luggage, you might get emotional baggage. | (0) |
| Luggage | 11/24/2023 |
| I bought a bag of air today, and it came with three free Lays potato chips! | (0) |
| Bags, Chips | 11/24/2023 |
| My wife said to stop talking about philosophy near the trash can. I’m getting too heavy around the waste. | (0) |
| Philosophy | 11/24/2023 |
| I have been on Facebook for 14 years. I remember when this was all farmland. | (0) |
| Facebook, Farmville | 11/24/2023 |
| If you want to save money on Christmas gifts, make sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner. | (1) |
| Family, Holidays, Politics | 11/24/2023 |
| What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers, and 1 plot? All 633 Hallmark movies ever made. | (1) |
| Hallmark, Movies | 11/24/2023 |
| If you’re not feeling it at work, sing Christmas songs until they send you home. Works any time of year. | (0) |
| Christmas songs, Work | 11/24/2023 |
| What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey! | (0) |
| Animals, Keys | 11/24/2023 |
| I went to a music store specializing in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized. | (1) |
| Stores | 11/24/2023 |
| No matter how good I try to get at tennis, I’ll never be as good as a wall. | (0) |
| Tennis | 11/24/2023 |
| Say “Have a nice day” and you sound kind. Say “Enjoy the next 24 hours” and you sound like a terrorist. | (1) |
| Perception | 11/24/2023 |
| Have you ever cracked your knee so loudly you half expect it to start glowing in the dark? | (0) |
| Glow sticks, Knees | 11/24/2023 |
| Lumberjacks know exactly how many trees they cut down each year. They keep a log. | (0) |
| Lumberjacks | 11/24/2023 |
| I bought a smart lamp. It doesn’t have WiFi or anything, but it’s really bright. | (0) |
| Lamps | 11/24/2023 |
| If you take selfies in the shower, you might have selfie steam issues. | (1) |
| Selfies, Shower | 11/24/2023 |
| You should set aside some money for landscaping. I know a good hedge fund manager. | (0) |
| Landscaping, Money | 11/24/2023 |
| Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about naturay stupidity? | (1) |
| AI, Artificial intelligence, Stupidity | 11/24/2023 |
| Which pope smelled the best? Potpourri. | (1) |
| Pope, Scents | 11/16/2023 |
| Chinese takeout: $12. Tip: $3. Finding out they forgot part of my order: riceless. | (1) |
| Chinese, Food | 11/16/2023 |
| I wonder if people who pay $300 for a colon cleanse have ever tried the Taco Bell dollar menu. | (0) |
| Cleanse, Food, Taco Bell | 11/16/2023 |
| You know what’s pretty handy to know? Sign language. | (1) |
| Hands, Sign language | 11/16/2023 |
| My son is at that age where he is curious about the human body. I guess I’m going to have to hide it somewhere else now. | (0) |
| Bodies | 11/16/2023 |
| What has four legs and one arm? A pit bull on a playground! | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 11/16/2023 |
| When I have a headache, I take two Tylenol, and keep away from my children, like the bottle says to. | (1) |
| Children, Headaches | 11/16/2023 |
| I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me why I have no money. | (1) |
| Family, Picture, Wallet | 11/16/2023 |
| My parents taught me that good employees are hard to find. That’s why I often hide in the bathroom or the closet. | (0) |
| Employees, Hiding | 11/16/2023 |
| What do you call a 400-pound alcoholic? A heavy drinker. | (0) |
| Drinking | 11/16/2023 |
| Working at The Gap for too long might make it difficult getting a job later. Imagine having to explain the gap on your résumé! | (1) |
| Gap, Work | 11/16/2023 |
| The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. | (0) |
| Clothes, Socks | 11/16/2023 |
| What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice? | (0) |
| Scaring | 11/16/2023 |
| My wife is the clumsiest person I know. She peaked when she fell for me. It’s been all downhill after that. | (0) |
| Clumsiness | 11/16/2023 |
| I think I’ve been dreaming about dinosaurs, because I woke up thinking my neck is sore and my back is sore. | (0) |
| Dinosaurs, Dreams | 11/16/2023 |
| My 90-year-old grandfather is such an optimist. He recently got a new car and bought the extended warranty. | (1) |
| Age, Cars, Optimism | 11/16/2023 |
| Algebra is so much easier using Roman numerals, because x always equals 10. | (0) |
| Math | 11/16/2023 |
| I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today, but he just shouted rudely, “Get your own sandwich!” | (1) |
| Food, Homeless | 11/16/2023 |
| Do you know what’s ironic? When a geometry teacher gets caught in a love triangle. | (2) |
| Math, Relationships | 11/16/2023 |
| If you want to get back on your feet, try skipping two car payments. | (0) |
| Cars, Debt | 11/16/2023 |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder. | (0) |
| Alcohol, Beer | 11/16/2023 |
| I asked my wife if I’ve ever told her how well she cooks. She said “Aww, no!” I replied “Then why do you keep doing it?” | (0) |
| Cooking, Relationships | 11/16/2023 |
| Jokes about plane crashes don’t tend to land very well. | (0) |
| Crashes, Planes | 11/16/2023 |
| What did we call all the computer mice that were popular in high school? A click. | (0) |
| Mice, Popularity | 11/16/2023 |
| I think I know how my life is going to end. One of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. | (0) |
| Phones | 11/8/2023 |
| Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his movies, but only for the crying parts. | (1) |
| Chuck Norris | 11/5/2023 |
| Why do so many pictures of groups fighting go viral? Lack of teamwork makes the meme work. | (0) |
| Fights, Teams | 11/5/2023 |
| I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink earlier. I am at the hospital waiting to be seen. | (0) |
| Invisibility | 11/5/2023 |
| Chuck Norris once went through a revolving door, then it shut forever. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 11/5/2023 |
| What do you call witches living together? Broom mates. | (1) |
| Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
| What generation does Forrest Gump belong to? Gen A. | (0) |
| Forrest Gump | 11/5/2023 |
| How do you know you’re not cut out to be a fisherman or an actor? You’re always forgetting your lines. | (0) |
| Acting, Fishing | 11/5/2023 |
| The human brain uses about the same amount of energy as a 10W lightbulb. That’s not very bright… | (0) |
| Brain, Light bulbs | 11/5/2023 |
| The federal government is considering making Halloween a holiday. If that happens, I guess they’ll be running on a skeleton crew. | (0) |
| Government, Halloween | 11/5/2023 |
| I told my boss I would be dressing up as a ghost for Halloween. I’ll be there, you just won’t see me. | (1) |
| Halloween, Work | 11/5/2023 |
| Why do witches love using computers? Because they have spellcheck. | (0) |
| Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
| Why shouldn’t you date witches that live in the desert? Because sand witches are usually in bread. | (0) |
| Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
| I found out my girlfriend is actually a ghost. I had my suspicions as soon as she walked through the door. | (0) |
| Ghosts, Halloween | 11/5/2023 |
| Vampires don’t exist. Unless you count Dracula. | (0) |
| Halloween, Vampires | 11/5/2023 |
| What did the werewolf eat after you got his teeth cleaned? The dentist. | (0) |
| Dentists, Halloween, Werewolves | 11/5/2023 |
| My roommates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and I haven’t seen anything strange. | (1) |
| Halloween, Haunted houess | 11/5/2023 |
| I’m only one week into my job at the bicycle factory, and they made me the spokesperson! | (0) |
| Bicycles, Work | 11/5/2023 |
| What did the storm trooper say when he got checked for steroids? These are not the Roids you’re looking for. | (0) |
| Star Wards, Steroids | 11/5/2023 |
| Why don’t mummies take vacations? They are afraid of relaxing and unwinding. | (0) |
| Halloween, Mummies | 11/5/2023 |
| Inflation stinks. Now a picture is worth 2000 words. | (1) |
| Inflation, Pictures | 11/5/2023 |
| My wife said she should’ve married the devil instead of me. I said “Well, I thought incest was illegal?” | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/5/2023 |
| Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin. | (0) |
| Halloween, Skeletons | 11/5/2023 |
| What award do firefighters strive for? Most extinguished. | (0) |
| Firefighters | 11/5/2023 |
| I always get the last three words in with an argument at my house. You’re right, dear. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/5/2023 |
| What’s it called when a bird poops on a Honda? Civic duty. | (1) |
| Animals, Birds, Cars | 11/5/2023 |
| Google Maps cars started playing ice cream music to get people's attention. Street view is now filled with pictures of disappointed children. | (1) |
| children, Google maps, ice cream | 11/5/2023 |
| Dad jokes are kind of like Spanish, only you roll your eyes instead of your Rs. | (0) |
| Spanish | 11/5/2023 |
| Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. | (1) |
| Adam, Apple, Eve | 11/5/2023 |
| I have a friend whose nickname is Spam. Because no one ever answers his calls! | (0) |
| Spam | 11/5/2023 |
| I lost my job at the zoo recently. There was a sign saying, don’t feed the animals, so I didn’t. | (0) |
| Animals, Zoos | 11/5/2023 |
| It’s all fun and games until the cops show up. Then it’s just hide and seek. | (0) |
| Cops | 11/5/2023 |
| I just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit. What a huge waste! | (0) |
| Clothes, Money | 10/28/2023 |
| At the Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting, I saw a lot of new faces, and that makes me disappointed. | (2) |
| Addiction, Plastic surgery | 10/28/2023 |
| Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with ‘maybe next time’ is bad form. | (2) |
| Weddings | 10/28/2023 |
| What does deuce really mean in tennis? A turd on the court. | (0) |
| Tennis | 10/28/2023 |
| I got a birthday present from Eminem. It was rapped so nicely! | (0) |
| Presents | 10/28/2023 |
| How does a farmer count his cows? With a cowculator. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Math | 10/28/2023 |
| What’s the difference in two Twix bars? The left ones don’t taste right. | (0) |
| Candy, Food | 10/28/2023 |
| Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what on earth is wrong with you. | (2) |
| Food, Fruit, Math | 10/28/2023 |
| I just opened a pie shop. It’s open 22/7. | (0) |
| Food, Pie | 10/28/2023 |
| What does a vegetation zombie eat? Graaaaaains! | (0) |
| Vegetarians, Zombies | 10/28/2023 |
| To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket, you can hide, but you can’t run! | (0) |
| Camouflage | 10/28/2023 |
| What’s perfectly normal at 3:00 pm but terrifying at 3:00 am? The sound of an ice cream truck. | (2) |
| Late night | 10/28/2023 |
| Which superhero is not allowed near children? The Flash. | (0) |
| Superheroes | 10/28/2023 |
| Which superhero should not be trusted with your valuables? The man of Steal. | (0) |
| Superheroes | 10/28/2023 |
| Here’s a great gift idea for CPAs: a mind-controlled abacus. It’s the thought that counts! | (1) |
| Accountants | 10/28/2023 |
| Which singer can sew clothes at a fast pace? Taylor Swift! | (0) |
| Sewing, Singers | 10/28/2023 |
| Do you know who Slim Fast is best for? Impatient people who struggle with their wait. | (0) |
| Impatience | 10/28/2023 |
| Why do underwear come in resealable bags but chips don’t? | (0) |
| Chips, Food, Underwear | 10/28/2023 |
| How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A buccaneer! | (0) |
| Pirates | 10/28/2023 |
| Back to the future is a part of the Star Wars series. It’s about a man’s DeLorean. | (0) |
| Movies | 10/28/2023 |
| What is it called when Dracula gets a makeover? A revamp. | (0) |
| Vampires | 10/28/2023 |
| I just retired from a manure processing plant. Looks like my work here is dung. | (0) |
| Retirement | 10/28/2023 |
| Dang girl, your daddy must be a gorilla, because you look like a prime mate. | (0) |
| Animals, Gorillas | 10/28/2023 |
| Could somebody please help me brush my teeth? My dentist said brushing alone won’t prevent cavities. | (1) |
| Teeth | 10/28/2023 |
| How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? 2: one to change it, and another to change it back to the way it was. | (1) |
| Light bulbs, Politicians | 10/28/2023 |
| What happened when Travis Kelce farted? Taylor sniffed. | (0) |
| Celebrities | 10/28/2023 |
| Why do nurses like red crayons? Because sometimes they have to draw blood. | (0) |
| Blood, Nurses | 10/28/2023 |
| What do you call a pig with a torn hamstring? Pulled pork! | (0) |
| Animals, Pigs | 10/28/2023 |
| All the psychics in my town are so depressed. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. | (0) |
| Psychics | 10/28/2023 |
| I accidentally got ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinz sight. | (0) |
| Food, Ketchup | 10/28/2023 |
| I lost my job as a masseuse. Apparently I rub people the wrong way. | (0) |
| Masseuses, Work | 10/28/2023 |
| My wife hates that our neighbor sunbathes naked. As for me? I’m on the fence. | (0) |
| Neighbors | 10/28/2023 |
| I know my dog loves me, but if I had a squeaker in me, she would gut me like a fish. | (2) |
| Animals, Dogs | 10/28/2023 |
| When I put my car in reverse I thought, “well this takes me back.” | (0) |
| Cars | 10/28/2023 |
| I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth, now when I talk, I have a weird Axe scent. | (1) |
| Deodorant | 10/28/2023 |
| Why did the clown’s neck ache? He slept funny on it. | (1) |
| Clowns | 10/28/2023 |
| NASA says it’s possible to live on Mars. I’m not so sure it’s ideal - I tried it and now I’m 50 pounds heavier and diabetic. | (0) |
| Candy, Food, Mars, NASA | 10/28/2023 |
| Behind every angry woman is man who has no idea what he has done wrong. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/28/2023 |
| Do all fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time?” No, many begin with, “If I am elected, I promise…” | (1) |
| Fairy tales | 10/28/2023 |
| Definition of irony: If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, I would enough money for them to find me attractive. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/28/2023 |
| What is lemon bread made of? Sourdough! | (0) |
| Food | 10/15/2023 |
| What is the opposite of Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica. | (0) |
| Family, Geography | 10/15/2023 |
| Who won the snail race? No one, it’s still going on… | (0) |
| Animals, Snails | 10/15/2023 |
| I asked my doctor if he had anything for excessive wind. He gave me a kite. | (1) |
| Doctors, Wind | 10/15/2023 |
| If a natural birth is called a delivery, would a C-section be called takeout? | (1) |
| Pregnancy | 10/15/2023 |
| If you sling mud at someone and hit them, get ready for a dirty look! | (0) |
| Dirt | 10/15/2023 |
| Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door. | (1) |
| Religion | 10/15/2023 |
| Where do scuba instructors like to get a drink? At dive bars. | (0) |
| Bars, Scuba | 10/15/2023 |
| What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt? You hit rock-bottom. | (1) |
| Rocks | 10/15/2023 |
| Did you hear the Hallmark Channel has a new horror movie coming out? The guy does not propose on Christmas Eve… | (1) |
| Hallmark | 10/15/2023 |
| What happened when the Catholic priest did not show up for work? There was mass confusion. | (0) |
| Religion | 10/15/2023 |
| What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor. | (1) |
| Mice, Swearing | 10/15/2023 |
| How do you know a meeting is scheduled by AI? It’s impromptu. | (0) |
| AI, Meetings | 10/15/2023 |
| Bath and Body Works is now selling new candles with dad jokes on them. They are called Scents of Humor. | (2) |
| Candles, Humor | 10/15/2023 |
| What did one vowel say to the other? We are not so different U and I. | (0) |
| Letters | 10/15/2023 |
| A Latin magician said he would make himself disappear. He said “Uno, dos” and then he disappeared without a tres. | (0) |
| Magicians, Spanish | 10/15/2023 |
| What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Hemsworth when they worked out? You’re going to be Thor in the morning. | (0) |
| Mike Tyson, Thor | 10/15/2023 |
| Why do people find chickens, ducks, and turkeys so offensive? Because they use such fowl language. | (1) |
| Animals, Birds | 10/15/2023 |
| My boss asked me why I only seem to get sick on workdays. I told him it was my weekend immune system. | (0) |
| Work | 10/15/2023 |
| I asked my boss for a raise and said three companies are after me. He asked which ones and I replied, gas, electric, and water. | (0) |
| Work | 10/15/2023 |
| My boss said, this is the fifth time this week you’ve been late to work, do you know what that means? I replied, “It must be Friday.” | (0) |
| Work | 10/15/2023 |
| Locksmiths make for great bosses. They believe in an open door approach. | (0) |
| Locksmiths, Work | 10/15/2023 |
| An executive, and a socialist sit down for dinner. The executive orders first, then the socialist says, I’ll have what he’s having. | (0) |
| Socialism | 10/15/2023 |
| The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning. He tested positive for Coke. | (0) |
| Drinks | 10/15/2023 |
| I get so emotional when you’re not around. That emotion is happiness. | (0) |
| Emotion | 10/14/2023 |
| When you get angry, take a breath and count to 10. Throw a punch at 8. No one expects that. | (0) |
| Emotion | 10/14/2023 |
| I invented a new exercise - a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I’m calling it lunch. | (1) |
| Exercise | 10/6/2023 |
| An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. | (1) |
| Apples, Food | 10/6/2023 |
| If the United States and Canada ever became one country, it would be called the US of Eh. | (0) |
| Geography | 10/6/2023 |
| How do you turn a waterbed into a trampoline? Use spring water. | (0) |
| Trampolines, Waterbed | 10/6/2023 |
| What was the most revolutionary invention ever? The wheel. | (0) |
| Inventions, Wheels | 10/6/2023 |
| What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute didn’t open? He took it back for a refund. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 10/6/2023 |
| What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod any cod. | (0) |
| Fishing, Magicians | 10/6/2023 |
| I like to use a different deodorant for each arm pit. But that’s just my two scents. | (0) |
| Deodorant | 10/6/2023 |
| I lent my girlfriend $300. Three years later when we broke up, she paid me back the $300. I lost interest in that relationship, and now I’m just alone. I guess she deserved more credit. | (0) |
| Banking, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
| I tried walking into a Target, and I missed. | (0) |
| Target | 10/6/2023 |
| I was the best man at my friend’s second wedding. When I started my speech with “Welcome back, everyone,” he was not happy. | (0) |
| Friends, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
| What kind of fruit should you serve at weddings? Cantaloupe! | (0) |
| Food, Weddings | 10/6/2023 |
| How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is! Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now! | (0) |
| Music | 10/6/2023 |
| My wife was coughing and kept us up all night. She asked me to go to the pharmacy for something to help. I got some earplugs and slept great after that. | (0) |
| Relationships, Sleep | 10/6/2023 |
| Scientists successfully crossed an electric eel with a sea sponge. They’re calling it a shock absorber! | (0) |
| Animals, Science | 10/6/2023 |
| I need a couple more power strips. After work, I think I’ll stop by the outlet mall. | (0) |
| Electricity | 10/6/2023 |
| Did you know protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. | (0) |
| Religion, Science | 10/6/2023 |
| If anyone has any fish jokes, let minnow. | (0) |
| Fish | 10/6/2023 |
| My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men, so I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn’t do either. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
| How do you know when a referee is happy? They whistle while they work. | (0) |
| Referees, Sports | 10/6/2023 |
| Do you know how to make a slow horse fast? Just stop feeding it. | (0) |
| Animals, Horses | 10/6/2023 |
| What happens if you eat too much sugar? Your life will be short and sweet. | (0) |
| Food, Sugar | 10/6/2023 |
| I once got so high, the munchies made me eat two chickens. Two birds, one stoner. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Drugs | 10/6/2023 |
| What’s the first rule of mime club? You don’t talk about mime club. | (0) |
| Mimes | 10/6/2023 |
| My friend owns a bakery, and he always hooks me up. It’s great to know people in pie places! | (0) |
| Food, Pie | 10/6/2023 |
| I used to work for an origami company, until it folded. So much paperwork. | (0) |
| Origami, Paper | 10/6/2023 |
| What do you call a networking event at a Barbeque? A meat and greet. | (0) |
| Food, Networking | 10/6/2023 |
| How did Noah get all those animals on the ark when it was getting dark? He used floodlights. | (0) |
| Light, Noah | 10/6/2023 |
| I used to wonder why all those people spend so much on those little Evian bottles, then I read the name backwards. | (0) |
| Water | 10/6/2023 |
| I got home from work, and my wife said the baby had been crying for hours, could I please take over. So I started wailing. | (0) |
| Children, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
| I told my life I love Worcestershire sauce. She asked why, and I replied it’s hard to say. | (0) |
| Food | 10/6/2023 |
| At my funeral, I want a group of Italian guys in nice black suits to walk up to my coffin and say “I’ll miss you boss,” just so my family thinks I had something crazy going on. | (0) |
| Funerals, Mob | 10/6/2023 |
| Anyone else tell dad jokes while playing pickle ball? It’s a fast groaning sport. | (0) |
| Pickleball, Sports | 10/6/2023 |
| What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a labrador, a poodle, and a Great Dane? Cock-a-doodle-doo! | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 10/6/2023 |
| How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? Wave at him! | (0) |
| Trees | 10/6/2023 |
| What do you call a reluctant potato? A hesi-tater. | (0) |
| Potatoes | 10/6/2023 |
| What do you call someone who lights all their bills on fire? Bernadette. | (0) |
| Bills, Names | 10/6/2023 |
| What do you call the highest form of flattery? A plateau. | (0) |
| Geography | 10/6/2023 |
| To start a zoo you need two grizzlies, two pandas, a koala, and a polar. It’s the bear minimum. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears, Zoos | 10/6/2023 |
| How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If a lawyer is involved, the lightbulb is already screwed. | (0) |
| Lawyers, Lightbulbs | 10/6/2023 |
| Do you think my kindergarten daughter will figure out how to tie her shoes by the end of the day? Probably knot. | (0) |
| Children, Shoes | 10/6/2023 |
| The psychic convention got canceled because of unforeseen circumstances. | (0) |
| Psychics | 10/6/2023 |
| How do you know an air conditioner is angry? It loses its cool! | (0) |
| Air conditioners | 10/6/2023 |
| I got some mail from my former teachers. My English teacher sent a letter and my music teacher sent a note! | (0) |
| Mail, Teachers | 10/6/2023 |
| Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is. | (0) |
| Stephen King | 10/6/2023 |
| My wife said to turn on the fan before bed. I caressed the blade and said how sexy it looked, but she was not amused. | (0) |
| Fans, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
| I was injured in a trampoline accident, but the doctor said I should bounce back quickly. | (0) |
| Injuries, Trampolines | 10/6/2023 |
| I called Seaworld today, and it said this call may be monitored for training porpoises. | (0) |
| Animals, Dolphins | 9/22/2023 |
| If you have two half sisters, you might be a magician. | (3) |
| Family, Magicians | 9/22/2023 |
| Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver. | (0) |
| Computers | 9/22/2023 |
| I saw a dwarf wearing a jalapeño costume. I asked him if he was hot, but he said he was actually a little chili. | (0) |
| Costumes, Dwarves | 9/22/2023 |
| How do you know when someone is robbing a bakery? You catch them bread handed. | (0) |
| Bakeries | 9/22/2023 |
| Why does an ambulance always arrive with two people? Those are the pair of medics. | (0) |
| Medics | 9/22/2023 |
| If you illegally download music in Jamaica, that makes you a Pirate of the Caribbean. | (0) |
| Music, Pirates | 9/22/2023 |
| Why do trees have so many branches? Because they like to stick together. | (0) |
| Trees | 9/22/2023 |
| If an orchestra is struck by lightning, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor! | (0) |
| Lightning, Music | 9/22/2023 |
| My messy dog Spot ran away. Now my home is spotless. | (1) |
| Animals, Dogs | 9/22/2023 |
| We had to fire our farm’s accountant who kept count of the sheep, because he kept falling asleep on the job. | (1) |
| Accountants, Farms | 9/22/2023 |
| Did you hear about the new burger chain? It’s called Burger God, and you can have it Yahweh. | (0) |
| Burgers, Religion | 9/22/2023 |
| Did you hear the man who invented remote controls passed away? He was found between his couch cushions. | (0) |
| Remotes | 9/22/2023 |
| If you break up with a girlfriend named Ruth for no good reason, that’s just ruthless. | (0) |
| Relationships | 9/22/2023 |
| What’s the hungriest time of day? Ate o’clock. | (0) |
| Time | 9/22/2023 |
| If the only chore you like doing is laundry, you might be a little clothes-minded. | (1) |
| Laundry | 9/22/2023 |
| I woke up really tired and asked my boss if I could come in late. He said “Dream on,” which was really nice of him! | (2) |
| Work | 9/22/2023 |
| Insurance companies are warning campers: if your tent is stolen, you won't be covered. | (0) |
| Camping, Insurance | 9/22/2023 |
| Dad jokes are a lot like sex. The louder you groan, the better I’m doing. | (0) |
| Groans | 9/22/2023 |
| If someone from Holland married a Filipino, their kids would be Hollapinos. | (0) |
| Children | 9/22/2023 |
| What do you call a nun that just passed the bar exam? A sister in law. | (0) |
| Law, Nums | 9/22/2023 |
| I’m not saying that plastic surgery cured my depression, but it did put a smile on my face. | (0) |
| Doctors | 9/22/2023 |
| Why do tennis players have sour personalities lately? Because of pickle ball. | (1) |
| Tennis | 9/22/2023 |
| There’s a lot of corruption going on at the apple juice factory, according to an in-cider source. | (0) |
| Drinks, Work | 9/22/2023 |
| What concert only costs $.45 to attend? 50 Cent Featuring Nickelback. | (0) |
| Concerts | 9/22/2023 |
| A man escaped from prison with a paper towel covering his face. There’s a bounty on his head. | (0) |
| Prisoners | 9/22/2023 |
| My teenage son is struggling with his braille class and doesn’t want to talk about it. Sounds like a touchy subject. | (0) |
| Children, School | 9/22/2023 |
| We like to have a tasty dessert when camping that has graham crackers, chocolate, marshmallows, and sleeping pills. We call them Snores. | (1) |
| Camping, Food | 9/22/2023 |
| Why do knights cut off their opponents at the ankles? So that they are defeated. | (0) |
| Knights | 9/22/2023 |
| Why can’t you trust Excel? Because people use it to spread sheet. | (0) |
| Excel | 9/22/2023 |
| What do you call a retired old cowboy? De-ranged. | (1) |
| Cowboys | 9/21/2023 |
| What do you call a cowboy who works at a bank? The loan arranger. | (0) |
| Banks, Cowboys | 9/21/2023 |
| What did the Jedi say to the cowboy? May the horse be with you. | (0) |
| Cowboys, Star Wars | 9/21/2023 |
| My wife thinks my dad jokes are childish. But I believe they are fully groan. | (0) |
| Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
| I just got a new DeLorean, but I only drive it from time to time. | (1) |
| Cars, Time | 9/9/2023 |
| Two men stole a calendar and the punishment was pretty harsh. They each got six months. | (0) |
| Calendars, Criminals | 9/9/2023 |
| Yesterday I visited a cemetery, and when I got done, I had 5 missed calls and 10 new text messages. It must’ve been a dead zone. | (0) |
| Cemetery, Phones | 9/9/2023 |
| What did Harry Potter say when filling up his car? Expensive petroleum! | (0) |
| Cars, Harry Potter | 9/9/2023 |
| What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. | (2) |
| Accountants | 9/9/2023 |
| I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure. | (1) |
| Mistakes | 9/9/2023 |
| Do you know what the leading cause of dry skin is? Towels. | (0) |
| Towels | 9/9/2023 |
| A former accountant decided to be a geologist. She got busted for doing crystal math. | (0) |
| Accountants, Geology | 9/9/2023 |
| I told my daughter to check her attitude today. She looked at me and said “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.” | (3) |
| Attitude, Children | 9/9/2023 |
| What’s the perfect place to plant flowers? Scenter field. | (0) |
| Flowers | 9/9/2023 |
| Why do most soccer players struggle with sign language? Because they can’t use their hands. | (1) |
| Sign language, Soccer | 9/9/2023 |
| When my wife found out I had been collecting rare magazines, she told me I had issues. | (0) |
| Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
| I passed my training at Home Depot to work in the lumber section. Now I’m board-certified! | (0) |
| Lumber | 9/9/2023 |
| Bread is like the sun. It rises from the yeast in it sets in the waist. | (2) |
| Bread, Sun | 9/9/2023 |
| I’m looking for a girlfriend. Please send a pic of a recent sandwich you’ve made. | (0) |
| Food, Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
| How do you make the number one disappear? Just add a G, and it’s gone. | (0) |
| Numbers, Words | 9/2/2023 |
| My wife said after being together for 20 years, I still take her breath away. But it’s usually because of the bad gas. | (0) |
| Gas, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
| This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. | (0) |
| Family, Ladders | 9/2/2023 |
| I keep getting emails from Hormel about product discounts. Why aren’t they automatically flagged as spam? | (0) |
| Email, Spam | 9/2/2023 |
| What’s the worst thing you can say to somebody calling the incontinence hotline? “Please hold for a few minutes.” | (0) |
| Incontinence, Telephone | 9/2/2023 |
| Being kissed while you are asleep is quite romantic. Unless you are in prison. | (1) |
| Kiss, Sleep | 9/2/2023 |
| I bought a hairpiece for a dollar. It was a small price toupee. | (0) |
| Hair, Money | 9/2/2023 |
| Do you remember before the Internet when people thought the lack of access to information was the cause of stupidity? Yeah, it wasn’t that. | (1) |
| Intelligence, Internet | 9/2/2023 |
| My barber apologized when his scissors weren’t working very well. I said, sorry isn’t going to cut it. | (0) |
| Barbers, Scissors | 9/2/2023 |
| What’s the best way to cook an alligator? In a crockpot! | (0) |
| Alligators, Animals, Cooking | 9/2/2023 |
| I called the helpline for alcoholics today. I asked them how to make a mojito. | (0) |
| Alcoholics | 9/2/2023 |
| What does Cannibal Ken like to eat for dinner? Barbie-cue. | (0) |
| Barbie, Cannibals | 9/2/2023 |
| A man from Prague ordered a whole pallet of classic board games. The Chek’s check for checkers checked out. | (0) |
| Checks | 9/2/2023 |
| I saw a piece of toast at the zoo. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity. | (0) |
| Food, Toast | 9/2/2023 |
| If you don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re, your an idiot. | (0) |
| Grammar | 9/2/2023 |
| Her: “I’m not like other girls.” Me: “Cool, so you know where you want to eat?” | (0) |
| Food, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
| How are relationships a lot like Algebra? Sometimes you look at your x and wonder y. | (0) |
| Math, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
| What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis. | (0) |
| Weather | 9/2/2023 |
| My wife asked me if I wanted chicken pot pie for dinner. I said absolutely, those are three of my favorite things! | (0) |
| Food, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
| I finally wrote my autobiography, but it didn’t get published. That’s the story of my life. | (0) |
| Writing | 9/2/2023 |
| Dance like no one is watching, but text and email like it will one day be read in court. | (0) |
| Communication, Dancing | 9/2/2023 |
| What does the low brass section use to clean their teeth? Tuba toothpaste. | (0) |
| Music | 9/2/2023 |
| I never have liked elevators. They always drive me up the wall. I’m taking steps to avoid them. | (0) |
| Elevators | 9/2/2023 |
| Who has the most pointless job in the world? The one who installs turn signals on BMWs. | (0) |
| Cars | 9/2/2023 |
| The USA needs to add three more states. Then it would truly be indivisible. | (0) |
| Country, States | 9/2/2023 |
| A pastor was speaking to kids about the importance of authority. He asked “Do you know why I wear this collar?” Little Johnny said “To keep fleas and ticks away for up to 90 days?” | (2) |
| Children, Church | 9/2/2023 |
| I named my dog Axle, because he’s always tired. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 9/2/2023 |
| A golfer walks into a bar with his favorite club and the bartender says, “Why the club?” The golfer says, “It’s my designated driver!” | (1) |
| Bars, Golf | 9/2/2023 |
| Proof that God has a sense of humor…as soon as you get old enough to be considered wise, you start to forget it all. | (0) |
| Aging | 9/2/2023 |
| What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. | (0) |
| Shoes, Sneeze | 9/2/2023 |
| My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons why I should leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.” I said, “That’s 15, love.” | (0) |
| Relationships, Tennis | 8/18/2023 |
| I hate being bipolar. It’s amazing. | (1) |
| Bipolar | 8/18/2023 |
| Which transformer has the best attitude? Optimistic Prime. | (0) |
| Transformers | 8/18/2023 |
| What do you call a short funeral speech? A death sentence. | (0) |
| Funerals | 8/18/2023 |
| Albert Einstein may have been a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster. | (0) |
| Einstein, Monsters | 8/18/2023 |
| Do you know what happy frogs say? Time’s fun when you’re having flies. | (1) |
| Animals, Frogs | 8/18/2023 |
| What do clocks do when they’re still hungry after a meal? They go back four seconds. | (0) |
| Clocks | 8/18/2023 |
| What does Dwayne Johnson do after a nighttime work out? He sleeps like a rock. | (0) |
| Rocks, Sleep | 8/18/2023 |
| Jokes about communism are only funny if everybody gets them. | (0) |
| Communism | 8/18/2023 |
| Most bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it. | (0) |
| Baldness | 8/18/2023 |
| What do you call a tic tac in your vest pocket? A good in-vest mint. | (0) |
| Mints | 8/18/2023 |
| I started my diet by removing all the fattening food from the house. It was delicious! | (0) |
| Diets, Food | 8/18/2023 |
| I just heard the guy that stole my journal died. My thoughts are with his family. | (0) |
| Journals | 8/18/2023 |
| If you’re contrasting Han Solo and Indiana Jones, that’s Comparison Ford. | (0) |
| Harrison Ford | 8/18/2023 |
| I picked up my paycheck today and there was parsley in it. Apparently now they’re garnishing my wages. | (0) |
| Money, Parsley | 8/18/2023 |
| You know you’re ugly when you’re handed the camera to take a group picture. | (0) |
| Pictures | 8/18/2023 |
| Great housekeepers aren’t born, they’re maid. | (0) |
| Housekeepers | 8/18/2023 |
| My therapist said to write letters to all the people I hate and burn them. I feel better now, but I’m not sure what to do with all these letters. | (1) |
| Therapy | 8/18/2023 |
| Someone poisoned my Lucky charms cereal. They were tragically delicious. | (0) |
| Cereal, Poison | 8/18/2023 |
| I bumped into a beautiful woman today. I was excited when she asked for my phone number, but depressed when she also asked for my insurance information. | (0) |
| Accidents, Relationships | 8/18/2023 |
| To keep my brother and I from fighting in the pool, our mom said to stay on our own side. I picked the top side! | (0) |
| Children, Pools | 8/18/2023 |
| What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly! | (0) |
| Animals, Frogs | 8/18/2023 |
| I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing things from his job as a road construction worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there. | (0) |
| Construction, Stealing | 8/18/2023 |
| My DNA test shows that I am 50% Cherokee. I guess that makes sense because I was born in a jeep. | (0) |
| Jeeps | 8/18/2023 |
| Someone stole all the bulbs from my house. Now, I am de-lighted. | (0) |
| Lights | 8/18/2023 |
| I recently spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 8/18/2023 |
| How do you surprise a blind man? Leave a plunger in the toilet! | (0) |
| Blind | 8/18/2023 |
| I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games, and she said Wii. | (0) |
| Friends, Video games | 8/18/2023 |
| What do you do with dirty nuts and bolts? Get a washer. | (1) |
| Washers | 8/18/2023 |
| Two ducks walk into a bar and the third one walks under it and says come on guys, this is kind of our thing! | (0) |
| Animals, Ducks | 8/18/2023 |
| I read a book about igloos. It was a really cool story! | (0) |
| Igloos, Stories | 8/18/2023 |
| Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer. | (0) |
| Bouncers | 8/18/2023 |
| My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss. At least I don’t have high blood pressure. | (0) |
| Amnesia | 8/18/2023 |
| What did one DNA strand say to the other? Do these genes make me look fat? | (0) |
| Genes | 8/18/2023 |
| I always seem to see more people walk into Walmart than walk out. But the meat is cheap, so I don’t ask questions. | (0) |
| Walmart | 8/18/2023 |
| Why are barbers so good at races? They know all the short cuts. | (0) |
| Barbers | 8/18/2023 |
| What occupation are spiders best at? Web development. | (0) |
| Animals, Spiders | 8/18/2023 |
| My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised. | (0) |
| Therapy | 8/18/2023 |
| I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect. They fried me for no raisin. | (0) |
| Autocorrect | 8/18/2023 |
| We recently visited the Grand Canyon. It was just gorges. | (0) |
| Grand Canyon | 8/18/2023 |
| I had a weird dream that they made a tic tac flavored Newton bar. Thankfully it was just a fig mint of my imagination. | (0) |
| Dreams, Mints, Snacks | 8/18/2023 |
| Which movie star is always ready for ice cream? Reese with her spoon! | (0) |
| Celebrities | 8/18/2023 |
| Did you hear about the four psychics who started a business together? It was a four-prophet business. | (0) |
| Psychics | 8/18/2023 |
| A local psychic just went out of business. You would have thought she would have seen it coming! | (0) |
| Psychics | 8/18/2023 |
| Why are accountants often banned from the library? Because they are book keepers. | (0) |
| Accountants | 8/18/2023 |
| I got invited to tell dad jokes at a school for the deaf. I had to use sigh language. | (0) |
| Deaf | 8/18/2023 |
| Scientists say the world is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They totally forgot the morons. | (0) |
| Morons | 8/18/2023 |
| My wife said our vacuum cleaner sucks. But I’m having a hard time determining whether that means it works well or we need a new one! | (0) |
| Vacuums | 8/18/2023 |
| I got fired from the calendar factory because I took a day off. | (0) |
| Calendar | 8/18/2023 |
| What’s the difference between a frankfurter and Pac-Man? One is a hot dog, and the other is a dot hog. | (1) |
| Hot dogs, Pacman | 8/18/2023 |
| Why don’t you see cows waiting tables? Because they don’t enjoy being tipped. | (0) |
| Cows | 8/18/2023 |
| Apple just launched a line of accessories for pirates. So far the most popular one is the iPatch. | (0) |
| Apple, Pirates | 8/18/2023 |
| Three Excel formulas walk into a bar. The bartender says "Why does it stink so bad in here?" VLOOKUP and SUMIFS look at him and say "Sorry RANK followed us again." | (0) |
| Excel | 8/17/2023 |
| What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire? One steals watches and one watches steals. | (0) |
| Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 8/10/2023 |
| What does a baseball player do when his eyesight starts to fail him? He takes a job as an umpire. | (0) |
| Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 8/10/2023 |
| Which baseball player refills all the water? The pitcher. | (0) |
| Baseball, Sports | 8/10/2023 |
| I poured root beer into a square glass, and now I just have beer. | (0) |
| Beer, Math | 7/26/2023 |
| Which element is missing from the periodic table? The element of surprise. | (0) |
| Science, Surprise | 7/26/2023 |
| What do you buy the man who has everything? Strong antibiotics. | (1) |
| Disease, Gifts | 7/26/2023 |
| I hate it when my aunts and uncles come up to me at weddings and say you’re next. So now I do the same thing to them at funerals. | (1) |
| Family | 7/26/2023 |
| Did you hear about the Christian-only social media app? It’s called Faithbook. | (0) |
| Christians, Social media | 7/26/2023 |
| Elon musk bought Twitter for $43 billion. That sounds like kind of a rip off when you consider I downloaded it for free. | (0) |
| Elon Musk, Social media, Twitter | 7/26/2023 |
| Where’s the best place to find popular watches? TikTok. | (0) |
| Social media, Watches | 7/26/2023 |
| If social media came to an end, it would be post-apocalyptic. | (1) |
| Apocalypse, Social media | 7/26/2023 |
| Why can’t you send a duck to outer space? The bill would be astronomical. | (0) |
| Animals, Astronomy, Ducks | 7/26/2023 |
| I picked up a book called ventriloquism for dummies. It just said let the other guy do all the talking. | (0) |
| Dummies, Ventriloquists | 7/26/2023 |
| 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. | (0) |
| Celebrities | 7/26/2023 |
| I passed my paintball license exam with flying colors. | (0) |
| Paintball, Tests | 7/26/2023 |
| My friend is a part owner in a cannabis business. It’s a joint venture. | (0) |
| Business, Cannabis | 7/26/2023 |
| Always give 100%. Except when donating blood. | (1) |
| Blood, Effort | 7/26/2023 |
| How often do you see a blimp? Annually if it’s a good year. | (0) |
| Blimps | 7/26/2023 |
| I got carjacked by some guys dressed like Buccaneers. They were the Pirates of the car I be in. | (0) |
| Cars, Pirates | 7/26/2023 |
| Why did sleeping beauty get cancelled? She wasn’t woke enough. | (0) |
| Disney, Woke | 7/26/2023 |
| There’s a country that uses yarn for their currency. They are a pretty tightknit community. | (0) |
| Currency, Yarn | 7/26/2023 |
| Madness takes its toll. Make sure you have exact change! | (0) |
| Madness, Tolls | 7/26/2023 |
| What was Patrick Henry’s favorite kind of tea? Liberty! | (0) |
| Liberty, Patrick Henry | 7/26/2023 |
| Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings! | (0) |
| America, Knock knock | 7/26/2023 |
| George Washington once predicted his likeness would be on the dollar bill. He was right on the money. | (0) |
| Currency, George Washington | 7/26/2023 |
| Last night I slept like a baby…up every two hours, crying and hungry. | (0) |
| Babies, Sleeping | 7/26/2023 |
| My wife threatened to leave if I didn’t stop making Star Wars puns. I guess divorce is strong with this one. | (0) |
| Relationships, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
| In war, it doesn’t matter who’s right. It only matters who’s left. | (0) |
| War | 7/26/2023 |
| My daughter says she identifies as chocolate. Her pronouns are her she. | (0) |
| Children, Chocolate, Food | 7/26/2023 |
| According to the chocolate advent calendar I bought the other day, Christmas is in three days. | (0) |
| Chocolate, Christmas, Food | 7/26/2023 |
| I’m a fan of plant-based meats, as long as they are from the meat processing plant. | (0) |
| Food, Meat, Plants | 7/26/2023 |
| Today I found out Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine. All these years I’ve been living under a rock! | (0) |
| Rocks | 7/26/2023 |
| Unless you believe in love at first site, it’s probably best to use multiple dating apps. | (0) |
| Apps, Dating, Love | 7/26/2023 |
| Every day a crazy biker tries to run me down. It’s a vicious cycle. | (0) |
| Bikers | 7/26/2023 |
| I’m driving through Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the meantime. | (0) |
| Time zones | 7/26/2023 |
| Does anyone know how to get rid of excessive earwax? If so, please give me a shout. | (0) |
| Ears, Earwax | 7/26/2023 |
| I told my financial advisor I was going to invest in copper. He said that makes cents. | (1) |
| Copper, Investments, Money | 7/26/2023 |
| I like to keep a ruler under my pillow so I can see how long I’ve slept. | (0) |
| Rulers, Sleep | 7/26/2023 |
| Elon Musk wants to send cattle to outer space. It would be the herd shot around the world. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Elon Musk, Space | 7/26/2023 |
| Why do farms smell so bad? It’s the dairy air. | (1) |
| Animals, Cows, Farms, Smells | 7/26/2023 |
| What are the chances of a cow standing in the middle of the field getting struck by lightning? Medium rare. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Lightning | 7/26/2023 |
| If you leave a nice gratuity at a steakhouse, is that considered cow tipping? | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Steak, Tipping | 7/26/2023 |
| If a heifer stops taking credit cards, does that make her a cash cow? | (0) |
| Animals, Cash, Cows, Credit Cards | 7/26/2023 |
| A farmer had to pull out of a marathon. It was due to a calf injury. | (0) |
| Farmers, Running | 7/26/2023 |
| If you come across a charging bull, steer clear. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows | 7/26/2023 |
| My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser. So I packed her clothes and left. | (0) |
| Clothes, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
| My wife seems to like our new refrigerator. Her face lights up every time she opens it. | (0) |
| Food, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
| Prison isn’t just a word, it’s a sentence. | (0) |
| Prison | 7/26/2023 |
| What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? The slowest swimmer. | (0) |
| Animals, Sharks, Swimmers | 7/26/2023 |
| A semi truck flipped and spilled potato chips all over the highway. Officials said to expect de-lays. | (0) |
| Potato chips, Trucks | 7/26/2023 |
| I just put up an electric fence. My neighbor is dead against it. | (0) |
| Fence, Neighbors | 7/26/2023 |
| What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. | (0) |
| Drinks, Reality, Tea | 7/26/2023 |
| Did you know Chuck Norris had a major role in Star Wars? He was the force. | (1) |
| Chuck Norris, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
| What do you call a happy Roman cannibal? Glad he ate her. | (1) |
| Cannibals, Romans | 7/26/2023 |
| I asked the surgeon if I could use my own anesthetic. He said, sure, knock yourself out. | (0) |
| Anesthesia, Doctors | 7/26/2023 |
| I wish someone would pay me to sleep. That’s my dream job. | (0) |
| Dreams, Sleep, Work | 7/26/2023 |
| What do you call ambassadors from Legoland? Duplo-mats. | (0) |
| Ambassadors, Legos | 7/26/2023 |
| What do Excel and Incel have in common? They both think something is a date when it isn’t. | (0) |
| Dates, Excel | 7/26/2023 |
| I had an addiction to Michael Jackson’s music. It was bad, but then I beat it. | (1) |
| Michael Jackson, Music | 7/26/2023 |
| I ordered a cage made out of nickel, but they said one made out of aluminum. I got a Nicolas Cage. | (0) |
| Nickel, Nicolas Cage | 7/26/2023 |
| If you get an email from an Egyptian pharaoh, asking you for money, it’s not a scam, it’s a pyramid scheme. | (0) |
| Egyptians, Pyramids | 7/26/2023 |
| What do you call Darth Vader when he stops moving? Mannequin Skywalker. | (0) |
| Darth Vader, Mannequins, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
| My wife asked me to treat her like I did when we were first dating. So I took her to dinner and a movie and dropped her off at her parents’ house. | (1) |
| Dating, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
| I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet. I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, and they don’t know either. | (1) |
| Boredom, Internet, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
| I was once so broke I could not pay the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life. | (0) |
| Bills, Darkness, Electricity | 7/26/2023 |
| I taught my dog to fetch me a beer. While that may not seem impressive, he gets it from the neighbor’s fridge! | (0) |
| Animals, Beer, Dogs, Neighbors | 7/26/2023 |
| I don’t like to stereotype, but blind people are the worst kind of drivers. | (0) |
| Blind, Driving | 7/26/2023 |
| Where can you find a new origami channel on TV? It’s on paper view. | (0) |
| Origami, Television | 7/26/2023 |
| One of my happiest memories is when I won the science fair in high school. I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition. | (0) |
| Chemistry, Fair, School | 7/25/2023 |
| Have you seen the movie about constipation yet? It hasn’t come out yet. | (0) |
| Constipation, Movies | 6/29/2023 |
| What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide. | (0) |
| Cleaning, Mermaids | 6/29/2023 |
| My hamster died last night. He fell asleep at the wheel. | (1) |
| Animals, Hampsters, Wheels | 6/29/2023 |
| My dad used to roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were the good years. | (0) |
| Dads, Tires | 6/29/2023 |
| My wife loves to make alphabet soup. She’s always trying to put words in my mouth. | (1) |
| Food, Relationships, Soup | 6/29/2023 |
| What’s my dad’s favorite dessert? A popsicle. | (0) |
| Dads, Dessert, Food | 6/29/2023 |
| My bucket list is pretty short. It’s beer, and ice. | (1) |
| Beer, Buckets, Ice | 6/29/2023 |
| How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket. | (0) |
| Babies, Children, Rockets | 6/29/2023 |
| What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue. | (0) |
| Blue, Colors | 6/29/2023 |
| I bought two parrots and named them Mick and Jagger. Two birds, one stone. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Music | 6/29/2023 |
| My friend says I procrastinate too much to ever really be somebody. I said, just you wait. | (0) |
| Friends, Procrastination | 6/29/2023 |
| What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A ba-boom! | (0) |
| Animals, Bombs, Monkeys | 6/29/2023 |
| Why don’t vampires go to important meetings? There are too many stakeholders. | (0) |
| Meetings, Vampires | 6/29/2023 |
| I told a beautiful woman how pretty she was and she said I was sexist. I guess that was a pretty broad statement. | (0) |
| Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
| My wife wanted to go to a restaurant where they make the food right there in front of you. I took her to Subway, and that’s how the fight started. | (1) |
| Food, Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
| What’s the best part of a waffle? The W. Without it, it’s just awful. | (1) |
| Food, Waffles | 6/29/2023 |
| Waffles didn’t exist until Chuck Norris punched a pancake. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Food, Waffles | 6/29/2023 |
| Who do Excel users put in their hair? SUMPRODUCT! | (1) |
| Excel, Hair | 6/29/2023 |
| Kissing your wife goodbye when you leave the house is much better than kissing the house goodbye when you leave your wife. | (0) |
| Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
| What happened when Harry Potter kissed a pig? He got Hogwarts. | (0) |
| Animals, Harry Potter, Pigs | 6/29/2023 |
| I was so bored that I read six pages from the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. | (0) |
| Dictionary, Reading | 6/29/2023 |
| The other day I saw a midget climbing down the wall outside of prison. I thought, that’s a little condescending. | (0) |
| Midgets, Prison | 6/29/2023 |
| It’s pretty intense getting started as a railroad engineer. It takes several months to get trained. | (0) |
| Trains | 6/29/2023 |
| When farmers buy a new cow, they flip through the catalog. | (0) |
| Cows | 6/29/2023 |
| I went to a kleptomaniac’s anonymous meeting the other day, but all the seats were taken. | (0) |
| Kleptomaniacs | 6/29/2023 |
| What job are trees well qualified for? Being branch managers. | (0) |
| Trees | 6/29/2023 |
| My wife says on the cheapest person on earth. I’m not buying it. | (1) |
| Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
| What kind of bee can’t make up its mind? A maybe. | (0) |
| Animals, Bees | 6/16/2023 |
| I work with a hostage negotiator. I tried to call in sick, and he talked me out of it. | (0) |
| Negotiators | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call a sad dog made of fruit? A melancholy! | (2) |
| Animals, Dogs, Fruit | 6/16/2023 |
| When Noah Webster wrote the first English dictionary, it was a defining moment in history. | (0) |
| Dictionary, History | 6/16/2023 |
| I heard IKEA is starting to offer legal services. I was intrigued until I found out you have to build your own case. | (0) |
| IKEA, Lawyers | 6/16/2023 |
| What’s the leading cause of divorce? Marriage. | (0) |
| Divorce, Marriage | 6/16/2023 |
| If your dog is running a fever, you should give them ketchup. Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hotdog. | (1) |
| Animals, Dogs, Ketchup | 6/16/2023 |
| I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry. | (1) |
| Food, Kids, McDonald's | 6/16/2023 |
| What store only sells bagels and donuts? Hole foods. | (0) |
| Donuts, Food | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call a donut shop that is also a dispensary? Glazed and confused. | (1) |
| Donuts, Food | 6/16/2023 |
| I love going outdoors. It’s so much safer than going out windows. | (0) |
| Doors, Windows | 6/16/2023 |
| Every June 1, I am dismayed. | (0) |
| Calendar | 6/16/2023 |
| Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas? Because he had no Monet for Da Gaulle to make the Van Gogh. | (0) |
| Art | 6/16/2023 |
| Some people are like slinkys. They’re not terribly useful, but you can’t help but smile when they fall down the stairs. | (0) |
| People, Slinkys | 6/16/2023 |
| I saw an umpire get hit by a pitch in the groin during a baseball game. The count was two balls and one strike. | (0) |
| Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call someone who challenges Mike Tyson to a fight? An ambulance. | (0) |
| Fight, Mike Tyson | 6/16/2023 |
| What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short. | (0) |
| Words | 6/16/2023 |
| I have a pet termite that I named Clint. Clint eats wood | (0) |
| Animals, Termites | 6/16/2023 |
| If the United States changed from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion. | (0) |
| Measurement | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call it when a prisoner smuggles in a phone and sends a message? Con text. | (0) |
| Phones, Prison | 6/16/2023 |
| My boss told me to have a nice day. So I went home. | (0) |
| Work | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call a falcon at church? A bird of pray! | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Church | 6/16/2023 |
| I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a fantasy. | (0) |
| Ocean, Soda | 6/16/2023 |
| I booked a cruise for our vacation and my wife said I picked the wrong ocean. She should have been more Pacific in her instructions. | (0) |
| Cruise, Ocean, Vacation | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you get when you take a nap by the ocean? Resting beach face! | (0) |
| Beach, Ocean | 6/16/2023 |
| I found a bunch of batteries on the beach. I collected C-cells on the seashore. | (0) |
| Batteries, Beach | 6/16/2023 |
| I had an appointment with my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn’t be able to make it. | (0) |
| Psychics | 6/16/2023 |
| Did you hear the rainbow was arrested for grand theft auto? Don’t worry, it got a light prism sentence. | (0) |
| Rainbows | 6/16/2023 |
| What do you call a caveman who wanders everywhere? A meanderthal. | (0) |
| Cavemen | 6/16/2023 |
| Why do mattresses have floral designs? They’re flower beds. | (0) |
| Mattresses | 6/16/2023 |
| What did the bug say after hitting the windshield? If I had the guts, I’d do it again! | (0) |
| Animals, Bugs, Windshield | 6/16/2023 |
| What is Snow White’s least favorite spot at the mall? The Apple Store. | (0) |
| Apples, Snow White | 6/16/2023 |
| I switched my GPS voice to be Matthew McConaughey. Now I can’t turn left. | (0) |
| Directions, GPS | 6/16/2023 |
| What does a divorced Texas woman say? Remember the alimony. | (0) |
| Divorce, Texas | 6/16/2023 |
| Why shouldn’t you fight a squirrel? They go straight for the nuts. | (0) |
| Animals, Squirrels | 6/16/2023 |
| One time, Superman and Chuck Norris made a bet, and whoever lost had to wear their underwear on the outside. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Superman | 6/16/2023 |
| What animal never stops talking? A yak. | (0) |
| Animals | 6/16/2023 |
| Apparently California leads the nation in depression and infidelity. What a sad state of affairs. | (0) |
| California | 6/16/2023 |
| A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking for another shot. | (0) |
| Bartenders | 6/16/2023 |
| Charlie Sheen and Amber Heard had a baby and gave it Charlie’s last name. They wanted it to be Sheen but not heard. | (0) |
| Charlie Sheen | 5/27/2023 |
| A waiter stopped by his table full of women named Karen and asked, “Is anything okay?” | (3) |
| Karen, Restaurants | 5/27/2023 |
| How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change. | (2) |
| Light bulbs, Psychiatrists | 5/27/2023 |
| Did you hear PETA might go out of business? They are struggling to make meats end. | (0) |
| Meats, PETA | 5/27/2023 |
| I just learned about recency bias. It’s my favorite kind! | (0) |
| Bias | 5/27/2023 |
| What’s the opposite of progress? Congress! | (0) |
| Congress, Progress | 5/27/2023 |
| Your computer might freeze if you leave too many windows open. Especially if it’s really cold outside. | (0) |
| Computers, Windows | 5/27/2023 |
| An old guy and a young child are crossing the road. Which do you hit first? The brakes, of course! | (0) |
| Cars | 5/27/2023 |
| My kid came home and said “Mom, I answered a question today that nobody else could!” The question was “Who farted?” | (0) |
| Farts | 5/27/2023 |
| What is a cannibal’s favorite burger joint? Five guys! | (0) |
| Burgers, Cannibals | 5/27/2023 |
| I have an irrational fear of intricate apartment communities. It’s a complex complex complex. | (1) |
| Complexes | 5/27/2023 |
| Do you know how to keep a moron in suspense? I will tell you tomorrow. | (0) |
| Morons | 5/27/2023 |
| Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can’t see in the dark. | (0) |
| Darkness | 5/27/2023 |
| What is the medical diagnosis for owning way too many dogs? Roverdose. | (0) |
| Dogs | 5/27/2023 |
| My son, Luke loves that he was named after a Star Wars character, but my daughter Chewbacca hates me. | (0) |
| Star Wars | 5/27/2023 |
| My friend is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris. | (0) |
| Irish | 5/27/2023 |
| What do you call it when you make 150 bucks before taxes cleaning toilets? Gross income. | (0) |
| Income | 5/27/2023 |
| How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you’re eating dinner. | (0) |
| Light bulbs, Telemarketers | 5/27/2023 |
| We waited two hours to get into Legoland. People were lined up for blocks. | (0) |
| Legos | 5/27/2023 |
| I’ve never actually punched anyone, I’m more of a passive fist. | (0) |
| Fighting | 5/27/2023 |
| What is it called when you employ a nun at work? Nun of your business! | (0) |
| Nuns | 5/27/2023 |
| I gave a bunch of sugar to the Zelda hero. He ran around until he turned blue, then red. He was a hyperlink! | (0) |
| Sugar, Zelda | 5/25/2023 |
| Mom's recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold. | (1) |
| Coffee, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
| Good moms let you lick the mixer after making brownies, great moms turn it off first. | (3) |
| Baking, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
| Life of a mom: It takes 35 minutes to put shoes on your toddler, but they can open three apps, delete iTunes, and call your boss in 17 seconds. | (0) |
| Children, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
| There’s no end or escape. I’m out of control. I lost my home. I’m okay, but it’s probably time for a new keyboard. | (0) |
| Computers, Keyboards | 5/14/2023 |
| When I was little, I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. Then how come I’m being arrested for identity theft? | (2) |
| Children, Identity Theft | 5/14/2023 |
| What do you call a ghost that looks like a chicken? A Poultrygeist! | (0) |
| Animals, Chickens, Ghosts | 5/14/2023 |
| If you quit a club and then rejoin, does that mean you’ll be remembered? | (0) |
| Clubs | 5/14/2023 |
| I got rid of our vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust. | (0) |
| Vacuums | 5/14/2023 |
| You hear about the eye of the Tiger, quite a bit, but what about the other four letters? | (0) |
| Animals, Tigers | 5/14/2023 |
| My friend introduced me to his imaginary girlfriend. I looked over at her (I think) and said you can do better than that. | (2) |
| Friends | 5/14/2023 |
| I told my wife she’s a 10. But Excel thinks she’s an October. | (4) |
| Excel, Numbers, Relationships | 5/14/2023 |
| I just got part of an emotional support animal. Actually, it’s really just a piece of bacon. | (0) |
| Animals, Bacon | 5/14/2023 |
| Alcoholics don’t run in my family…they drive. | (0) |
| Alcoholics, Driving | 5/14/2023 |
| I got thrown out of the mime club yesterday. It must have been something I said. | (1) |
| Mimes | 5/14/2023 |
| My doctor said I’ve got way too much sodium in my diet. I am taking his advice with a grain of salt. | (0) |
| Diets | 5/14/2023 |
| What happens when you read a dictionary? Every other book is just a remix! | (0) |
| Books | 5/14/2023 |
| What’s the difference between golf and everything else in the world? Subpar performance is a good thing! | (0) |
| Golf | 5/14/2023 |
| If Taylor Swift fans are called Swifties, does that make Carrie Underwood’s fans called Undies? | (0) |
| Music | 5/14/2023 |
| I smoke king-sized cigarettes, and I sleep standing up. I like big butts and I cannot lie. | (1) |
| Sleeping, Smoking | 5/14/2023 |
| Where did Noah keep the bees? In the archives. | (0) |
| Animals, Bees, Noah | 5/14/2023 |
| If you want to fly with a brand where all the pilots are bald, you should go with receding airlines. | (0) |
| Baldness, Pilots | 5/14/2023 |
| If you cut off only your left hand, your right hand will be left. | (0) |
| Hands | 5/14/2023 |
| Once a fireman fought fire with fire. Ironically, then he got fired. | (0) |
| Firemen | 5/14/2023 |
| When my dad dies, he wants to be cremated and pressed into his favorite record. It’s his vinyl request. | (0) |
| Dads, Records | 5/14/2023 |
| What do you give a man who has everything? Strong antibiotics. | (1) |
| Medicine | 5/14/2023 |
| I have a great tile guy. His work leaves me completely floored. | (0) |
| Floors, Tiles | 5/14/2023 |
| Which Roman emperor never lived to be 20? Constantine. | (0) |
| Romans, Teenagers | 5/14/2023 |
| How do you know a banjo player is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in. | (0) |
| Burglars, Music | 5/14/2023 |
| I saw an ad that said “Fresh ice made from scratch.” I must say, it made my mouth water a little. | (2) |
| Ice, Water | 5/14/2023 |
| When asked to summarize my life in five words, I responded “doesn’t follow directions.” | (0) |
| Directions | 4/30/2023 |
| What kind of pictures are taken in the Arctic? Polaroids. | (0) |
| Pictures, Polaroids | 4/30/2023 |
| When we divorced, my wife and I decided to split the house. I got the outside. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/30/2023 |
| I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was THANKS. | (0) |
| Celebrities | 4/30/2023 |
| Did you hear about the farmer who found his lost daughter? He tractor her down in a seedy part of town. | (0) |
| Children, Farmers | 4/30/2023 |
| My friend named his baby son, Myles. I told him, you know, in England, they’re going to call him kilometers. | (0) |
| Children, Friends | 4/30/2023 |
| My colorblind friend insisted that apples are yellow. I told him that’s just bananas. | (2) |
| Colorblind, Food, Fruit | 4/30/2023 |
| My favorite smoke shop got replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigars. | (0) |
| Clothes, Smoking | 4/30/2023 |
| My math teacher told me I was just average, which was kind of mean. | (0) |
| Math, Teachers | 4/30/2023 |
| I bought a used iPhone and deleted all the German names off of it. Now it’s Hans free! | (0) |
| German, Phones | 4/30/2023 |
| I named my iPhone Titanic. Now every time I connect to Bluetooth, it says Titanic is syncing. | (0) |
| Phones, Titanic | 4/30/2023 |
| A steak pun is a rare medium well done. | (0) |
| Food, Steak | 4/30/2023 |
| I’m addicted to procrastination…but I can start anytime I want. | (2) |
| Procrastination | 4/30/2023 |
| Why did Beethoven hate chickens? Because their favorite composer was BACH! | (0) |
| Chickens, Music | 4/30/2023 |
| I told a dad joke on Zoom and no one laughed. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny. | (0) |
| Virtual | 4/30/2023 |
| How do you make an elephant fly? Start with a 4-foot zipper. | (0) |
| Animals, Elephants | 4/30/2023 |
| I got a new car for my wife. Best trade I’ve ever made. | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/30/2023 |
| I only type with one hand. I’ve been told it’s bad form to stereo type. | (1) |
| Typing | 4/30/2023 |
| Why did the plywood fall asleep? It was board! | (0) |
| Wood | 4/30/2023 |
| A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 4/30/2023 |
| My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore. | (1) |
| Children, Tools | 4/30/2023 |
| I poured my root beer into a square glass. Then I was left with plain beer! | (0) |
| Math, Root Beer | 4/30/2023 |
| Don’t bother trying donkey meat. It tasted like ass. | (1) |
| Animals, Donkeys | 4/30/2023 |
| Why did Stalin write in only lowercase letters? Because he was afraid of capitalism. | (0) |
| Soviets | 4/30/2023 |
| Why did the chicken use a Oiji board? So he could channel the other side. | (1) |
| Animals, Chickens | 4/30/2023 |
| Don't challenge death to a pillow fight, unless you're prepared for the repear cushions. | (1) |
| Death, Pillows | 4/23/2023 |
| Which animal has more lives than a cat? A frog - they croak every day! | (0) |
| Animals, Cats, Frogs | 4/22/2023 |
| I got hit in the head by a soda can. Thank goodness it was a soft drink. | (0) |
| Drinks | 4/22/2023 |
| A chef combined alphabet soup with a laxative. He’s calling it letter rip. | (2) |
| Chefs, Food | 4/22/2023 |
| I have a second job as a waiter. It’s the only way I can put food on the table. | (1) |
| Food, Work | 4/22/2023 |
| I have an escalator phobia. I am taking steps to deal with it. | (0) |
| Escalators | 4/22/2023 |
| I went to a safari park and a rhino tried to charge me. I showed him my ticket, but he still didn’t listen. | (0) |
| Animals, Rhinos | 4/22/2023 |
| What does a lumberjack do when he gets upset? He throws a timber tantrum. | (1) |
| Lumberjacks | 4/22/2023 |
| A woman asked a librarian where the childbirth books are. The librarian responded “Look over in the C-section.” | (1) |
| Birth, Books, Librarians | 4/22/2023 |
| People that like origami are pretty terrible at poker. They are always folding. | (0) |
| Oragami, Paper, Poker | 4/22/2023 |
| What’s the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle in a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle? A tire. | (0) |
| Animals, Bikes, Monkeys | 4/22/2023 |
| Which trail do crazy bikers like to take? The psychopath. | (0) |
| Bikers, Trails | 4/22/2023 |
| Bears can run and swim faster than humans, so the only chance you have to beat them in a triathlon is to bike faster. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears, Racing | 4/22/2023 |
| Do you know what’s ironic? All parachutes come with a lifetime guarantee! | (2) |
| Parachutes | 4/22/2023 |
| Why is Earth so bitter? Because there are 52 Sundays but only one Earth day. | (1) |
| Earth, Sunday | 4/22/2023 |
| How did Mary know she was going into labor with baby Jesus? Her wine broke. | (0) |
| Jesus, Mary, Wine | 4/22/2023 |
| What did Iron Man say after he got back from IKEA? Avengers, assemble! | (0) |
| Ikea, Iron Man | 4/22/2023 |
| Yesterday I did nothing. Today I’m going to finish what I started yesterday! | (0) |
| Laziness | 4/13/2023 |
| I had a weird morning. First, I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar. | (0) |
| Guitar, Money, Music | 4/13/2023 |
| Where do marathons in Sweden end? At the Finnish line. | (0) |
| Finland, Marathons, Sweden | 4/13/2023 |
| I really struggle with spreadsheets. They’re just not something I excel at. | (1) |
| Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/13/2023 |
| What do you call a Ford fiesta that has run out of gas? A Ford siesta! | (1) |
| Cars, Fiesta, Ford, Gas | 4/13/2023 |
| How do you drop an egg on concrete without cracking it? Any way really, concrete is pretty tough. | (0) |
| Concrete, Eggs, Food | 4/13/2023 |
| Why shouldn’t you take a GPS to the cemetery? You might just reach your final destination. | (0) |
| Cemetery, GPS | 4/13/2023 |
| What did Egyptian say when they buried their royalty? That’s a wrap! | (0) |
| Egyptians, Mummies | 4/13/2023 |
| What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement? Graveyards! | (0) |
| Measurement, Skeletons | 4/13/2023 |
| What happens when you combine a telescope and a microscope? You get a kaleidoscope. | (1) |
| Microscopes, Telescopes | 4/13/2023 |
| What do vampires do after a hard day’s work? They crack open a boy with the cold ones. | (0) |
| Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
| Which TV show had the worst pilot? Lost. He crashed the plane on the first episode. | (0) |
| Pilots, Shows, TV | 4/13/2023 |
| Where’s the best place to have waffles on the beach? Sandy eggo! | (1) |
| Beach, Food, Waffles | 4/13/2023 |
| I quit my job as a bodybuilder. I just put in my too-weak notice. | (0) |
| Exercise, Work | 4/13/2023 |
| What did one plate say to the other? Dinner is on me! | (0) |
| Food, Plates | 4/13/2023 |
| What are shoes made out of banana peels called? Slippers! | (0) |
| Bananas, Food, Shoes | 4/13/2023 |
| Arguing with my wife is like accepting a software agreement. In the end, I ignore it all and click agree. | (0) |
| Computers, Relationships | 4/13/2023 |
| What do you call an experienced soldier captured by cannibals? A seasoned veteran. | (0) |
| Cannibals, Soldiers | 4/13/2023 |
| What is Dracula’s favorite beer? Blood light. | (0) |
| Beer, Dracula, Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
| My wife finally tried out our new bidet. She had a blast! | (0) |
| Toilets | 4/13/2023 |
| Why are chickens so rude? Because they use such foul language. | (0) |
| Animals, Chickens | 4/13/2023 |
| What do you call a king who is only 1 foot tall? A ruler! | (0) |
| Kings | 4/13/2023 |
| What kind of writer makes a lot of mistakes? The one with a typo personality. | (0) |
| Writers | 4/13/2023 |
| How do vampire killers like their steaks? Sharpened! | (0) |
| Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
| What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! | (0) |
| Animals, Rabbits | 4/13/2023 |
| I was jogging, and after 5280 feet I tripped over a rock. I guess you could call it a mile stone. | (0) |
| Exercise, Rocks | 4/13/2023 |
| What is an Irish rabbit's favorite airport? O’Hare! | (0) |
| Airports, Animals, Rabbits | 4/13/2023 |
| Why was Star Wars Episode 4 the first one to be released? In charge Yoda was. | (0) |
| Star Wars | 4/13/2023 |
| FedEx and UPS are merging. They are calling it Fed Up. | (0) |
| Delivery, FedEx, UPS | 4/13/2023 |
| Why do eggs hate Easter? Because it’s the day they all dye. | (0) |
| Easter, Eggs | 4/13/2023 |
| I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. | (0) |
| Measurement | 4/13/2023 |
| If both of your parents are bakers, does that make you inbred? | (0) |
| Baking, Family | 4/13/2023 |
| What do cows call churned cream made from their half siblings? Butter from another udder. | (1) |
| Animals, Cows, Cream | 4/13/2023 |
| When people tell me my wife and my daughter look alike, I say well, they were separated at birth. | (0) |
| Family | 4/13/2023 |
| The zookeeper asked me why I was throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit. I said the sign here says do not feed, $10 fine. | (1) |
| Animals, Elephants, Money | 4/13/2023 |
| Some thieves were caught trying to steal stuff at the frozen food factory. It was not a well thawed-out plan. | (0) |
| Food, Frozen, Robbery | 4/13/2023 |
| Did anyone lose a wad of hundred dollar bills with a rubber band wrapped around it? Because I found your rubber band! | (1) |
| Money | 4/13/2023 |
| Do you know who’s always under a lot of pressure? Submarine captains. | (0) |
| Pressure, Submarines | 4/13/2023 |
| If you hear a joke about a submarine and don’t get it, just let it sink in. | (0) |
| Submarines | 4/13/2023 |
| A dung beatle walks into a bar and says, is this stool taken? | (0) |
| Animals, Bars, Bugs | 4/13/2023 |
| Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? She keeps running away from the ball. | (0) |
| Cinderella, Soccer | 4/13/2023 |
| I was thinking of going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts! | (0) |
| Food, Nuts | 4/6/2023 |
| When life shuts a door, open it again. It's a door, that's how they work. | (1) |
| Doors, Life | 4/6/2023 |
| Here are two words that will open a lot of doors for you: push and pull. | (4) |
| Doors | 3/31/2023 |
| I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. | (0) |
| Insanity | 3/31/2023 |
| Why are prisoners bad musicians? Because they are usually behind a few bars and can’t find the key. | (0) |
| Prison | 3/31/2023 |
| Ever heard of the rock band called The Keys? They were the opening act for The Doors. | (0) |
| Bands | 3/31/2023 |
| How do candles feel when they’re blown out? De-lighted! | (1) |
| Candles | 3/31/2023 |
| People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point. | (1) |
| Math, School | 3/31/2023 |
| What do you call cheese that is being interrogated? Grilled cheese! | (2) |
| Cheese, Food | 3/31/2023 |
| I learned guitar quickly, but not piano. It’s not an easy instrument to pick up. | (0) |
| Instruments, Music | 3/31/2023 |
| Apparently people are mixing up the words burro and burrow. They don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. | (2) |
| Animals | 3/31/2023 |
| New York’s subway system is confusing. I was trying to go to Times Square, but I ended up with a foot-long meatball sandwich. | (0) |
| Food, Transportation | 3/31/2023 |
| I started a poetry group for criminals. It’s called prose and cons. | (0) |
| Criminals, Poetry | 3/31/2023 |
| I got some new shears to trim my bushes. That’s cutting-hedge technology. | (0) |
| Bushes, Gardening | 3/31/2023 |
| My wife yelled from the other room, “Do you ever get a shooting pain in your back like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll?” I replied “No” and she yelled “How about now?” | (2) |
| Relationships | 3/24/2023 |
| What happens when an escalator company uses an escalator? They get high off their own supply! | (1) |
| Drugs | 3/24/2023 |
| Why does the chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. | (0) |
| Animals, Cars, Chickens | 3/24/2023 |
| Did you hear about the priest who wore several crucifix necklaces? He was a cross dresser. | (1) |
| Religion | 3/24/2023 |
| I started a dating website for chickens called Tender. It’s not my main job…I do it to make hens meet. | (0) |
| Animals, Chickens, Relationships | 3/24/2023 |
| I grilled a chicken for two hours, and it still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road. | (2) |
| Animals, Chickens | 3/24/2023 |
| What does a Nigerian prince order for breakfast? Spam. | (0) |
| Food | 3/24/2023 |
| What did the beach say when the ocean asked to go on a date? Shore! | (0) |
| Beach | 3/24/2023 |
| A lot of teenagers actually turn into good drivers. So if you’re a good driver, watch out for teenagers turning. | (2) |
| Children, Driving, Teenagers | 3/24/2023 |
| If TikTok gets banned, what sound are clocks supposed to make? | (0) |
| Clocks | 3/24/2023 |
| My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card! | (3) |
| Friends | 3/24/2023 |
| This morning I accidentally used Red Bull instead of water when I made coffee. I got halfway to work when I realized I forgot my car. | (3) |
| Coffee, Red Bull | 3/24/2023 |
| If you accidentally drop ice on the floor, just kick it under the refrigerator. Soon it will be water under the fridge. | (0) |
| Ice, Water | 3/24/2023 |
| My dad was a conjoined twin. It gave new meaning to the phrase "Uncle on my dad’s side." | (0) |
| Family | 3/24/2023 |
| What do you call a dad joke about the desert? Dry humor. | (3) |
| Deserts | 3/24/2023 |
| Why is the weather on earth so crazy and unpredictable? Because it’s bipolar. | (0) |
| Weather | 3/24/2023 |
| What do you call a guy with a criminal record working at a carnival in cold weather? Chili con carny. | (2) |
| Criminals | 3/24/2023 |
| Scientists are studying the effects of cannabis on sea birds. They’ve left no tern unstoned. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Drugs | 3/24/2023 |
| Why did the student eat her homework? Because it was a piece of cake! | (0) |
| Children, School | 3/24/2023 |
| What kind of hay do religious cows eat? Christian Bales. | (1) |
| Animals, Christians, Cows | 3/17/2023 |
| My friend just did the unthinkable. I can’t even imagine what it was like. | (0) |
| Thinking | 3/17/2023 |
| I accidentally said Shirley today instead of Siri. Now my phone is stuck on airplane mode. | (1) |
| Airplanes, Siri | 3/17/2023 |
| I didn’t really want to go spelunking, but I eventually caved. | (0) |
| Caves | 3/17/2023 |
| What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in Ireland? Some horse lost its shoe! | (1) |
| Animals, Horses, Irish | 3/17/2023 |
| What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock! | (0) |
| Irish | 3/17/2023 |
| You shouldn’t iron a four leaf clover. You just might press your luck. | (0) |
| Irish, Luck | 3/17/2023 |
| My tax refund showed up on St. Patrick’s Day. I call that the luck of the IRS! | (2) |
| Irish, Taxes | 3/17/2023 |
| People often asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my Tinder profile pic. I tell them I’m just looking for a match. | (0) |
| Dating | 3/17/2023 |
| You can’t tell puns around a thief. Because they take things…literally. | (0) |
| Puns, Thief | 3/17/2023 |
| What room is usually not haunted by ghosts? The living room! | (0) |
| Ghosts | 3/17/2023 |
| I thought about going on a diet once, but I didn’t go. I had too much on my plate. | (0) |
| Diets | 3/17/2023 |
| How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. | (0) |
| Lawyers | 3/17/2023 |
| I killed a huge mouse with a bat today. Then I was promptly banned for life from Disney World. | (1) |
| Animal, Disney, Mouse | 3/17/2023 |
| 1.5. That’s the number of times James Bond says his name when introducing himself. | (0) |
| James Bond | 3/17/2023 |
| My wife asked me to pick up six cans of sprite. I got home and realized I picked 7-Up. | (1) |
| Drinks | 3/17/2023 |
| Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside! | (0) |
| Animals, Chickens | 3/17/2023 |
| I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug. | (2) |
| Relationships | 3/17/2023 |
| A sock full of pennies is a great weapon to have. You never know when you’re gonna need to beat the cents into someone. | (2) |
| Pennies | 3/17/2023 |
| When one door closes, another one opens. That’s the last Kia I’ll ever buy. | (0) |
| Cars, Doors | 3/17/2023 |
| I found a pamphlet on anger management. But then I lost it. | (1) |
| Anger | 3/17/2023 |
| What is it called when 10 bowling pins don’t show up to work? A strike! | (1) |
| Bowling | 3/17/2023 |
| My friend Will is an awesome tour guide who never gets lost. Where there’s a Will, there’s a way. | (0) |
| Tours | 3/17/2023 |
| I can sum up all of 2023 in just one word: seven. | (0) |
| Dates, Math | 3/10/2023 |
| Never blame other people for the road that you're on. It's your own asphalt. | (2) |
| Road | 3/10/2023 |
| Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight. | (0) |
| Solar Power | 3/10/2023 |
| Two brothers thought they could fly. They were Wright. | (0) |
| Flying | 3/10/2023 |
| If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. | (3) |
| Skydiving | 3/10/2023 |
| Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk. | (0) |
| Birds | 3/10/2023 |
| What did one snowman say to another snowman? Hey…do you smell carrots? | (0) |
| Snowman | 3/10/2023 |
| Why were the butterflies not inivted to the dance? Because it was a mothball. | (0) |
| Animals, Butterflies | 3/10/2023 |
| What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. | (0) |
| Trash, Vehicles | 3/10/2023 |
| When Chuck Norris tells a dad, joke, nobody groans. But they do die laughing. | (2) |
| Chuch Norris | 3/10/2023 |
| Chuck Norris signed up for a new email account. The email address is gmail@chucknorris.com. | (3) |
| Chuch Norris, Email | 3/10/2023 |
| Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web when he punched Spider-Man. | (0) |
| Chuch Norris, Internet, Spider-Man | 3/10/2023 |
| Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally and came back with his shirt ironed. | (3) |
| Chuch Norris, Feminists | 3/10/2023 |
| Chuck Norris got COVID-19, and the virus had to quarantine for 14 days. | (0) |
| Chuch Norris, COVID-19 | 3/10/2023 |
| Chuck Norris once beat the sun in a staring contest. | (0) |
| Chuch Norris, Sun | 3/10/2023 |
| What’s the biggest insect in the world? The 200 m butterfly! | (0) |
| Animals, Insects, Swimming | 3/10/2023 |
| My date and I were going to meet at the gym, but she didn’t show. That’s when I realized we weren’t going to work out. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/8/2023 |
| Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. | (1) |
| Toilet paper | 3/8/2023 |
| After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF. | (2) |
| Calendar | 3/8/2023 |
| Who’s the first person you see after saying “Watch this!”? A nurse. | (0) |
| Doctors, Nurses | 3/8/2023 |
| Does anything start with an N and end with a G? No, but nothing does. | (0) |
| Words | 3/8/2023 |
| It must be tough for female postal workers, because it’s such a mail-dominated industry. | (0) |
| Mail, Women | 3/8/2023 |
| If you eat alphabet soup, watch out for vowel movements. | (0) |
| Letters | 3/8/2023 |
| What do you call someone who sketches suspects for the police? A con artist! | (0) |
| Drawing, Police | 3/8/2023 |
| What do you call a book club that’s been reading the same book for several years? A church. | (0) |
| Books, Church | 3/8/2023 |
| Indiana is just like India, but with a little extra sodium. | (2) |
| Geography | 3/8/2023 |
| What’s a pyromaniac‘s favorite book? A book of matches! | (0) |
| Books, Fire | 3/8/2023 |
| What kind of dinosaur has a great vocabulary? A thesaurus. | (0) |
| Dinosaur, Words | 3/8/2023 |
| Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them ordered blood and the third ordered plasma. So the bartender says that’ll be two bloods and one blood light? | (0) |
| Bars, Vampires | 3/8/2023 |
| What is a pirate’s favorite letter? The one that says he was traded to the Yankees! | (0) |
| Pirates, Sports | 3/8/2023 |
| What do you call an antique clock that doesn’t work? Timeless. | (0) |
| Clocks | 3/8/2023 |
| I stepped on a cornflake, and now everyone thinks I’m a cereal killer. | (0) |
| Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
| How does Reese eat her cereal? Witherspoon. | (0) |
| Celebrities, Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
| My wife tells everyone I like alphabet cereal, but she’s just putting words in my mouth. | (0) |
| Cereal, Words | 3/8/2023 |
| One bird can’t finish an entire bowl of fruit loops. But tucan. | (0) |
| Birds, Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
| Which one of king Arthur’s knights built the round table? Circumference. | (0) |
| Kings | 3/8/2023 |
| If a math teacher has five bottles in one hand and six in the other, what does she have? A drinking problem. | (1) |
| Drinks, Math | 3/8/2023 |
| Where do math teachers like to go on vacation? Times Square! | (0) |
| Math, Vacation | 3/8/2023 |
| Can a burger and hot dog get married? Only if it's a frank relationship! | (0) |
| Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
| How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese! | (0) |
| Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
| How does a hamburger introduce his wife? Meat Patty. | (0) |
| Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
| What is a cow's favorite medical TV show? Graze Anatomy. | (2) |
| Cows, Television | 3/2/2023 |
| I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but now I stand corrected. | (0) |
| Shoes | 3/2/2023 |
| Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. It was a total guess, but I was right. | (0) |
| Letters | 3/2/2023 |
| As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I realized I was probably about to get kicked out of Ikea. | (1) |
| Ikea | 3/2/2023 |
| When Thor throws a hammer, he's regarded as a hero. When I do it, I get banned from Home Depot. | (0) |
| Heroes, Tools | 3/2/2023 |
| Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint button? To get to the other slide! | (1) |
| Animals, Chickens, Computers | 3/2/2023 |
| My secret to a six-figure salary is putting figures to the right of the decimal. | (0) |
| Math, Money | 3/2/2023 |
| Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a brief case. | (0) |
| Law, Underwear | 3/2/2023 |
| What do you get when you steal a monkey's bananas? Furious George! | (0) |
| Animals, Monkeys | 3/2/2023 |
| My wife said "Since you think you know everything, why don't you write a book?" I said "Well, that's a novel idea." | (0) |
| Books | 3/2/2023 |
| I bought a book titled "How to scam people online" about three months ago. It hasn't arrived yet. | (1) |
| Books, Internet, Scams | 3/2/2023 |
| I have a bad book joke. If it offends you, please don't read into it too much. | (0) |
| Books | 3/2/2023 |
| There are two words that always make me cry at weddings: "open bar." | (1) |
| Bars, Weddings | 2/28/2023 |
| A man asked me to donate to the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. | (1) |
| Pools | 2/28/2023 |
| Why is the divorce rate so low among horses? Because they have such stable relationships. | (1) |
| Animals, Horses, Relationships | 2/28/2023 |
| Why do tigers eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook. | (0) |
| Animals | 2/27/2023 |
| I've heard crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet. That sounds strange because I've only ever seen them with four. | (3) |
| Animals | 2/27/2023 |
| What's the difference between male and fe-male? Iron. | (1) |
| Relationships, Science | 2/27/2023 |
| When I called to ask about yoga lessons, they asked me how flexible I am. I said I can't do Tuesdays. | (2) |
| Yoga | 2/27/2023 |
| My wife denies putting honey on my pistol, but I'm sticking to my guns. | (1) |
| Relationships | 2/27/2023 |
| Someone is stealing the wheels off of police cars. They are looking tirelessly to find him. | (2) |
| Police | 2/27/2023 |
| I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself, "Wow, this changes everything!" | (0) |
| Technology | 2/27/2023 |
| The adjective for metal is metallic, but not for iron. Which is ironic. | (2) |
| Science | 2/27/2023 |
| A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt and says "Can I get one for the road please?" | (1) |
| Bars | 2/27/2023 |
| Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion! | (0) |
| Math, Weight | 2/22/2023 |
| I asked Alexa: "What do women want?" The thing hasn't shut up for two weeks! | (0) |
| Relationships, Technology | 2/22/2023 |
| Stats show that that one out of three people in relationships are cheating. Now I just need to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend. | (0) |
| Relationships | 2/22/2023 |
| I took an old girlfriend out to lunch yesterday. That's how I fed ex. | (0) |
| Relationships | 2/22/2023 |
| I think Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump. But that's comparing apples to oranges. | (0) |
| Food, Presidents | 2/22/2023 |
| I went to a bottomless brunch. Everyone else had their pants on. | (0) |
| Food | 2/17/2023 |
| Some people like to paddle in the front of the canoe and others in the back. I can do either ore. | (0) |
| Boats | 2/17/2023 |
| Rocket scientists make great archers. They specialize in aerodynamics. | (0) |
| Sports, Work | 2/17/2023 |
| My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonations. But don't worry, I will return! | (0) |
| Movies, Relationships | 2/17/2023 |
| Why did the inventor of sandals stop short of selling them? He got cold feet. | (0) |
| Shoes | 2/17/2023 |
| I think the inventor of knock knock jokes deserves the no-bell prize. | (0) |
| Knock knock | 2/17/2023 |
| What do you call a beehive without any exits? Unbelievable! | (0) |
| Animals, Bees | 2/17/2023 |
| What do you call a royal cow? Sir loin. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows | 2/17/2023 |
| I got selected for a random drug test today. It was negative, but now my dealer has some explaining to do. | (0) |
| Drugs | 2/17/2023 |
| Who's the coolest guy at the hosiptal? The hip replacement doctor! | (1) |
| Doctors | 2/17/2023 |
| I love Peter Pan jokes, because they never get old. | (1) |
| Peter Pan | 2/17/2023 |
| I caught my vegan girlfriend eating a steak, and I said wow, that's rare! | (0) |
| Food, Relationships, Steak, Vegans | 2/17/2023 |
| If you have you interest in banking, you are not a loan. | (0) |
| Banks | 2/17/2023 |
| Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone. | (0) |
| Banks | 2/17/2023 |
| A naked man robbed a bank. Nobody could remember his face! | (2) |
| Banks | 2/17/2023 |
| How do farmers like to party? They turnip the beats! | (1) |
| Food | 2/17/2023 |
| Parallel lines have so much in common. It's really sad that they’ll never meet. | (0) |
| Math, School | 2/17/2023 |
| Where do fish like to go on vacation? Finland! | (0) |
| Fish | 2/17/2023 |
| You know what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket? Watch how far I can kick this bucket! | (0) |
| Grandpas | 2/17/2023 |
| What do you call a stupid fish? Dumb bass! | (1) |
| Fish | 2/17/2023 |
| What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile. | (0) |
| Nuns | 2/17/2023 |
| I can tolerate algebra and even calculus. But geometry is where I draw the line. | (0) |
| Math, School | 2/17/2023 |
| Why do zebras have stripes? They didn't want to be spotted. | (0) |
| Animals | 2/17/2023 |
| I'd like to tell you all a good economics joke, but there just isn't enough demand. | (0) |
| Economics, school | 2/17/2023 |
| My landlord told me we need to discuss my heating bill. I said sure, my door is always open. | (0) |
| General | 2/17/2023 |
| What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. | (2) |
| Teeth | 2/17/2023 |
| How does Han Solo like his steak? Tender but not Chewy. | (0) |
| Star Wars | 2/17/2023 |
| I told a joke about Chemistry. It had no reaction. | (0) |
| Chemistry, School | 2/17/2023 |
| The best dad jokes involve pizza and dull pencils. They're cheesy and pointless. | (0) |
| Food, Pencils, Pizza | 2/17/2023 |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! | (1) |
| Bears, Candy, Food, Teeth | 2/17/2023 |
| What did the digital clock say to it's mother? Look ma, no hands! | (2) |
| Clocks | 2/17/2023 |
| I turned down a job working at a vegetable farm. The celery was unacceptable! | (0) |
| Farmiing, Food, Work | 2/17/2023 |
| If you jog in front of a car, you get tired. If you jog behind a car, you get exhausted. | (0) |
| Cars, Sports | 2/17/2023 |
| Why did Ross from Friends eat a Kitkat? He was on a break! | (0) |
| Candy, Friends | 2/17/2023 |
| Hershey's CFO was fired this last week. He was accused of fudging the numbers! | (1) |
| Candy, Chocolate | 2/17/2023 |
| Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M's factory? She threw away all the Ws! | (2) |
| Candy | 2/17/2023 |
| I asked a librarian on a date for Friday night, but she said she was already booked. | (1) |
| Books, School | 2/9/2023 |
| Chewbacca struggled in his first year on the job…he made a lot of wookie mistakes. | (0) |
| Star Wars | 2/9/2023 |
| What did the cow say to the calf who came home late? It’s pasture bedtime. | (0) |
| Cows | 2/9/2023 |
| Diarrhea is hereditary and I can prove it. It runs in your jeans. | (0) |
| Diarrhea, Genetics | 2/9/2023 |
| Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded. | (1) |
| Chuck Norris | 2/9/2023 |
| There’s a big sale at the Lego store today. People are lined up for blocks! | (0) |
| Legos | 2/9/2023 |
| Why did the Lego cross the road? To get to the other block! | (0) |
| Legos | 2/9/2023 |
| Where do Lego people go to the doctor? To the plastic surgeon! | (0) |
| Legos | 2/9/2023 |
| The Lego movie was a little tough to follow up with all the moving pieces. | (0) |
| Legos | 2/9/2023 |
| How does a Lego man measure his shoe size? In square feet! | (1) |
| Legos | 2/9/2023 |
| The price of balloons has gone up a lot recently. I think it might have to do with inflation. | (1) |
| Balloons, Inflation | 2/9/2023 |
| Chuck Norris once got bit by a king cobra. After three days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Snakes | 2/9/2023 |
| I think I might be a genius. I completed a puzzle in six months when the box said four years and up! | (0) |
| General | 2/9/2023 |
| I went to a prom at a school for the blind. I finally got to dance like no one was watching! | (0) |
| Blind, Dance, School | 2/9/2023 |
| I got a new pen that writes underwater! I just hope it can write other words too. | (0) |
| General | 2/9/2023 |
| Face is a four letter word. Preface is a foreword letter. | (0) |
| Language | 2/9/2023 |
| I got an email today telling me how to read maps backwards. I’m pretty sure it was spam. | (0) |
| Geography | 2/9/2023 |
| I asked my German friend if he knows the square root of 81 and he said nine. | (0) |
| Math, School | 2/9/2023 |
| What do snakes do when they get angry? They throw a hissy fit! | (0) |
| Snakes | 2/9/2023 |
| Before the invention of crowbars, crows used to drink alone at home. | (0) |
| Animals, Bars, Birds | 2/9/2023 |
| Never criticize someone unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Because then you’ll be a mile away and you'll also have their shoes! | (1) |
| Criticism, Funny | 2/9/2023 |
| Two windmills are talking about music and one says all my life I’ve been a heavy metal fan. | (0) |
| Windmills | 2/9/2023 |
| The movie Groundhog Day is one of my favorites and it’s full of irony. I like to watch it over and over again. | (0) |
| Groundhogs | 2/9/2023 |
| The movie Groundhog Day is a timeless classic! | (0) |
| Groundhogs | 2/9/2023 |
| A friend told me about his dog that ran 10 miles to fetch a stick. That sounds a little far-fetched to me. | (0) |
| Dogs | 2/9/2023 |
| I got a new job at a wind farm. So far, it’s a breeze! | (0) |
| Job | 2/9/2023 |
| When someone hurts their funny bone, it’s not really funny. But it is humorous. | (0) |
| Funny | 2/9/2023 |
| What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! | (1) |
| Parrots | 2/9/2023 |
| What do you call a politician with a clear conscience? Suffering from Alzheimer’s. | (0) |
| Politicians | 2/9/2023 |
| I’m writing a movie about broken bones, I just need a cast for it. | (0) |
| Movies | 2/9/2023 |
| I went to McDonald’s and order two large fries. But those jokers gave me a whole bunch of little ones. | (0) |
| Food | 2/9/2023 |
| What do you call someone who takes noodles from the rich and give them to the poor? Ramen hood! | (0) |
| Noodles | 2/9/2023 |
| The CEO of IKEA just got elected president of Sweden. He’s still assembling his cabinet! | (0) |
| Ikea | 2/9/2023 |
| Mimes are the craziest kind of people…they do such unspeakable things! | (0) |
| Mimes | 2/9/2023 |
| My deaf girlfriend was talking again in her sleep last night. Damn near poked my eye out! | (0) |
| Deaf, Sleep talking | 1/24/2023 |
| Guess what I saw? Wood! | (1) |
| General | 1/24/2023 |
| It might be a crude joke, but I think the oil industry is rigged. | (0) |
| Oil | 1/24/2023 |
| Since covid, I've been using newspaper instead of toilet paper. Times are rough! | (1) |
| Toilet paper | 1/24/2023 |
| Did you hear about the explosion at the pie factory? Police say there were 3.14 casualties. | (1) |
| Math, School | 1/24/2023 |
| Why did the grape cross the road? No raisin… | (1) |
| Food, Road | 1/24/2023 |
| What would you call Madonna if she was an accountant? An Immaterial Girl! | (1) |
| Accounting | 1/24/2023 |
| What do you call someone who loves chocolate but hates peanut butter? A Ree-sist. | (2) |
| Chocolate, Food | 1/24/2023 |
| What do you get when you mix peanut butter and baked beans? A fart that sticks to the roof of your butt | (0) |
| Farts, Food | 1/24/2023 |
| I met a DJ from Chernobyl. He's really radio active. | (0) |
| Radio | 1/20/2023 |
| What kind of tree has the best bark? Dogwood! | (0) |
| Trees | 1/19/2023 |
| I accidentally gave my wife some super glue instead of lip balm. She still isn't talking to me. | (0) |
| Relationships, Talking | 1/19/2023 |
| Did you hear the joke about insomnia? I never get tired of it! | (0) |
| Sleep, Tired | 1/19/2023 |
| I once knew a horrible train conductor, and asked him how many trains he derailed last week. He said I don't know, it's really hard to keep track. | (0) |
| Trains | 1/19/2023 |
| I only drink on days that start with T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow! | (0) |
| Days, Drink | 1/19/2023 |
| Did you know that crocodiles often live to be over 70 years old? That's why you are very likely to see them again after a while. | (0) |
| Animals | 1/19/2023 |
| I think cannabis dispensaries would be better named as bakeries. | (0) |
| Cannabis, Weed | 1/19/2023 |
| I yelled at two pigeons sitting on a power line and they dropped dead. I didn't know you could kill two birds with one's tone! | (0) |
| Animals, Birds | 1/19/2023 |
| I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors. | (1) |
| Rock | 1/19/2023 |
| I walked by the stud finders while at the hardware store, and you wouldn’t believe the noise… | (1) |
| Studs | 1/19/2023 |
| Be careful of the Egyptian construction projects you invest in - it could be a pyramid scheme. | (0) |
| Fraud, Pyramids | 1/19/2023 |
| Would anyone be interested in being my companion? I'm asking for a friend. | (0) |
| Companions | 1/19/2023 |
| A toilet was stolen from the police station. Police report they have nothing to go on. | (1) |
| Police, Toilet | 1/19/2023 |
| 6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock. | (0) |
| Clock | 1/19/2023 |
| Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they're having trouble installing windows! | (0) |
| Apple, Windows | 1/19/2023 |
| I like to walk my cow through the vineyard. I guess you could say I herd it through the grapevine! | (1) |
| Cows | 1/17/2023 |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick! | (0) |
| General | 1/17/2023 |
| What should you do if you see a BMW use a turn signal? Call the police, it's clearly stolen. | (2) |
| Cars, Police | 1/17/2023 |
| I just found out my kitchen floor is made of marble. All this time I've been taking it for granite. | (0) |
| Floor | 1/17/2023 |
| Why do the Vikings wear purple? Because if you choked for 30 years, you'd be purple too! | (0) |
| Vikings | 1/17/2023 |
| If a chess player accidentally loses his tower, is that called a rookie mistake? | (0) |
| Chess | 1/17/2023 |
| I'm looking for the woman of my dreams. Too bad I'm an insomniac! | (0) |
| Relationships, Sleep | 1/12/2023 |
| I was on a diabetes website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question? | (0) |
| Cookies, Food | 1/12/2023 |
| Last night at dinner my 6-year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said "loan shark," so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning. | (0) |
| Sharks | 1/12/2023 |
| Do you know how pro baseball players will often throw a ball into the stands? Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling! | (0) |
| Sports | 1/12/2023 |
| Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it. | (0) |
| Bacon, Smoking | 1/12/2023 |
| I was looking at buying a sofa and the salesman said it could seat up to five people with no problems. Then it occurred to me, I don't know five people that have no problems. | (0) |
| General | 1/12/2023 |
| When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. | (0) |
| Food | 1/12/2023 |
| It's a misconception that french fries came from France. They really came out of Greece. | (0) |
| Food | 1/12/2023 |
| Initially, God wanted wasps to pollinate everything. But then he went with plan bee. | (0) |
| Animals | 1/12/2023 |
| What do you call someone who notices a crime at an Apple Store? An iWitness. | (1) |
| Apple, Crime | 1/12/2023 |
| A snake walked into a bar and the bartender said "How'd you do that?" | (0) |
| Bars, Snakes | 1/12/2023 |
| My friends said "I don't know what cloning means." I replied "That makes two of us!" | (0) |
| General | 1/12/2023 |
| I'm really thankful for sidewalks - they've kept me off the streets most of my life. | (0) |
| General | 1/12/2023 |
| My dad used to say when one door closes, another one opens. That's great in theory, but not for cabinetry. | (0) |
| Advice | 1/12/2023 |
| What did the bilingual cat say? Woof! What did the bilingual dog say? Yo quiero taco bell! | (1) |
| Animals, Talking | 1/12/2023 |
| My wife told me to stop referencing Bruce Willis films. I told her "Sorry honey, I guess old habits die hard." | (0) |
| Bruce Willis, Relationships | 1/12/2023 |
| I'd like to try pole vaulting, but they set the bar so high! | (2) |
| Sports | 1/12/2023 |
| Me: Knock knock. Kid: Who's there? Me: Broken pencil. Kid: broken pencil who? Me: Nevermind, this joke is pointless. | (0) |
| Knock knock, Pencil | 1/12/2023 |
| I used to be an accountant. I quit when I started hearing invoices. | (0) |
| Accounting | 1/10/2023 |
| A truck carrying a load of Vick's Vapor Rub flipped over. Fortunately, there was no congestion for 8 hours. | (1) |
| Sick | 1/10/2023 |
| What is a bunny rabbit's favorite kind of whiskey? Hopscotch! | (0) |
| Animals | 1/10/2023 |
| What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Remorse code. | (0) |
| Talking | 11/28/2022 |
| What did the liability say to the asset? I don't want to die a loan… | (0) |
| Accounting | 11/1/2022 |
| Did you say you're cold? Why don't you stand in the corner? It's 90 degrees. | (1) |
| Cold, Math, School | 10/17/2022 |
| If you feed your children frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, you're a horrible parent. At least find the time to throw them in the microwave first… | (2) |
| Food, Parenting | 9/21/2022 |
| Do you know what seven said after eating one? Now we are even! | (1) |
| Math, School | 9/19/2022 |
| If a king sleeps on a king-sized mattress and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized mattress, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress! | (0) |
| Sleep | 9/19/2022 |
| Someone broke into my house and was looking for money. So I got up and I looked with him. | (1) |
| General | 9/19/2022 |
| What do you call a man with the heart of a lion? Banned from the zoo. | (1) |
| Animals | 9/19/2022 |
| The best part about picking a name for your baby is realizing how many people you hate. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 9/19/2022 |
| Brain transplants will never be possible. Go ahead and try to change my mind. | (0) |
| General | 9/19/2022 |
| What do you call a detective who accidentally solves cases? Sheer luck holmes. | (1) |
| Police | 9/19/2022 |
| What do a dog and a cell phone have in common? Collar ID! | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Phones | 9/19/2022 |
| How do monsters discipline their children? Limit their scream time! | (0) |
| Monsters, Parenting | 9/19/2022 |
| When Mr. T bought an electric car, he said "I pity the fuel!" | (0) |
| Cars, Mr. T | 9/19/2022 |
| What happens when Batman gets injured? Bruised Wayne. | (0) |
| Batman | 9/19/2022 |
| Many years ago, only the rich had a car and the poor had horses. Now the poor have cars but only the rich have horses. I guess the stables have turned… | (0) |
| Animals, Cars, Horses | 9/19/2022 |
| There are key differences between typing on a computer and playing the piano. | (0) |
| Office | 9/19/2022 |
| What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow. | (1) |
| Relationships | 9/19/2022 |
| My friend was changing a flat when he dropped a tire on his foot. Now he needs a toe! | (0) |
| Cars | 9/19/2022 |
| My wife told me she was leaving if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer." I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face! | (0) |
| Relationships, Singing | 9/19/2022 |
| Why do the French eat snails? Because they don't like fast food! | (0) |
| Food | 9/19/2022 |
| Queen Elizabeth sat on the throne for over 70 years. That's impressive. I start to get leg cramps in less than 10 minutes! | (0) |
| Queen, Toilet | 9/19/2022 |
| What do you call a cow who recently had a baby? Decaffeinated! | (0) |
| Cows | 9/19/2022 |
| I got fired from my job as a bank teller. A lady came in to check her balance and I tipped her over! | (1) |
| Office | 9/19/2022 |
| Two cannibals were eating a clown and one said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" | (1) |
| Clowns | 9/19/2022 |
| What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, matey!" | (0) |
| Birthday, Pirates | 9/19/2022 |
| How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints! | (0) |
| Snow, Will Smith | 9/19/2022 |
| Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds | 9/19/2022 |
| I got carded at a bar and my Blockbuster card fell out. The bartender said "Nevermind." | (1) |
| Aging, Bars | 9/19/2022 |
| When two vegans get into an argument, is it still called a beef? | (0) |
| Food | 9/19/2022 |
| I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know… | (0) |
| Classic | 9/19/2022 |
| Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank. | (0) |
| Fish, Money | 9/6/2022 |
| How can you tell that it's been raining cats and dogs? You step in a poodle! | (0) |
| Animals, Rain | 8/22/2022 |
| If I'm not mistaken, white out is pretty useless. | (0) |
| Office | 8/22/2022 |
| I saw a burgler kicking in his own front door. He must have been working at home. | (0) |
| Crime, Home, Work | 8/22/2022 |
| I used to date a geologist. She kept finding faults in me. Cracks appeared, then we split. That's when you say I hit rock bottom. | (1) |
| Rocks, School | 8/22/2022 |
| I had to break up with my math teacher girlfriend. She was obsessed with an x. | (0) |
| Math, School | 8/22/2022 |
| My wife asked if I've seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't know he could?!? | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Sports | 8/22/2022 |
| My wife keeps putting ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything. | (0) |
| Food | 8/22/2022 |
| My daughter thinks I'm nosy and won't respect her boundaries. At least that's what she wrote in her diary… | (1) |
| Children | 8/22/2022 |
| A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?" | (0) |
| Animals, Bars | 8/22/2022 |
| I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. You shouldn't buy it. | (0) |
| Books | 8/22/2022 |
| My wife's birthday is next week and she has been leaving jewelry magazines all over the house in anticipation. So I bought her a magazine rack! | (0) |
| Birthdays, Relationships | 8/22/2022 |
| What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner! | (0) |
| Music | 8/22/2022 |
| Why isn't holy water used in vaccines? Because you shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein. | (1) |
| Church, Water | 8/22/2022 |
| What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator! | (2) |
| Food | 8/22/2022 |
| I went to a police concert. Turns out it was a Sting operation. | (0) |
| Music, Police | 8/22/2022 |
| What's black and white and red all over? A zebra in a blender. | (1) |
| Animals | 8/22/2022 |
| What did Yoda say when he saw himself in on a 4K TV? HDMI! | (0) |
| Star Wars, TV | 8/22/2022 |
| There are two reasons why you should not drink toilet water. #1 and #2. | (1) |
| Toilets | 8/22/2022 |
| The gas station is now charging me to air up my tires. You know why? Inflation. | (0) |
| Cars | 8/22/2022 |
| What do you call a lazy doctor? Doctor Do-Little | (1) |
| Doctor | 8/8/2022 |
| If you give a man a plane ticket, he can fly for a day. If you push him out of a plane, he can fly for the rest of his life! | (1) |
| Airplanes | 7/20/2022 |
| My buddy told me a girl turned him down because he won't swim in the deep end of the pool. How shallow is that? | (0) |
| Relationships | 7/20/2022 |
| My ex said she needed space. So I bought her a new keyboard! | (1) |
| Computers, Relationships | 7/20/2022 |
| I was so angry that I threw my keyboard against the way and parts flew everywhere. That's when the shift hit the fan! | (0) |
| Office | 7/20/2022 |
| If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for? A plastic explosive! | (1) |
| Food | 7/20/2022 |
| A cop stopped me and asked me why I was carrying such a large book. I told him it's a long story. | (1) |
| Police | 7/20/2022 |
| What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky! | (1) |
| Cows | 7/20/2022 |
| If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it an udder failure or a milk dud? | (0) |
| Cows | 7/20/2022 |
| Four cows were smoking a joint and playing poker. The steaks were pretty high! | (0) |
| Cows | 7/20/2022 |
| A cannibal was late to a big dinner, so everyone gave him the cold shoulder. | (0) |
| Cannibals, Family | 7/20/2022 |
| Pride is what you feel when your kids make $100 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing! | (1) |
| Cars, Children, Money, Parenting | 7/20/2022 |
| What happens in a rainforest cave? An Amazon Echo! | (0) |
| Nature | 7/13/2022 |
| Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero! | (0) |
| Food | 6/29/2022 |
| A police officer asked where I was between 5 and 6 and I said, I don't know, kindergarten? | (1) |
| Police, School | 6/29/2022 |
| What do you get when you mix alcohol and good literature? Tequila Mockingbird! | (0) |
| Alcohol, Books | 6/24/2022 |
| If you tell one more corny joke, I'm calling the crops. | (1) |
| Farming, Food | 6/23/2022 |
| I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a holy movement. | (0) |
| Church, Toilets | 6/23/2022 |
| Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the heck out of their dogs. | (0) |
| Blind, Dogs | 6/23/2022 |
| What happens when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino. | (0) |
| Animals | 6/23/2022 |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house? Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken. | (0) |
| Knock knock, Road | 6/23/2022 |
| Hey Siri, why don't women like me? Uh, my name's Alexa… | (1) |
| Relationships | 6/23/2022 |
| Why do cows eat grass? Because they can't afford steak! | (3) |
| Cows | 6/23/2022 |
| What is the meaning of indifference and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. | (0) |
| Words | 6/23/2022 |
| My girlfriend is leaving me saying that I'm not American enough. I saw it coming from a kilometer away. | (1) |
| Relationships | 6/23/2022 |
| No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationary. | (0) |
| Office | 6/23/2022 |
| I burned a few thousand calories today. Do you wanna how know? I left a pizza in the oven. | (0) |
| Food | 6/23/2022 |
| What do you call two boats floating next to each other? Friendships! | (0) |
| Boats | 6/23/2022 |
| What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the sea! | (1) |
| Pirates | 6/23/2022 |
| What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Put it on my bill! | (0) |
| Animals | 5/25/2022 |
| When you think about it, every photo of farmland is cropped. | (0) |
| Farming, Pictures | 5/13/2022 |
| What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name. | (0) |
| Words | 5/13/2022 |
| When ET got home, his mother asked him "Where on Earth have you been?!?" | (0) |
| Movies | 5/9/2022 |
| Why don't pirates take a shower before walking the plank? They'll just wash up on shore. | (0) |
| Pirates | 5/9/2022 |
| What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake! | (0) |
| Cows | 5/9/2022 |
| Why don't more people teach oragami? There's too much paperwork. | (3) |
| Office | 5/9/2022 |
| What do dads eat for breakfast? Pop-tarts! | (0) |
| Family | 5/5/2022 |
| People who handle raw meat are gross. People who handle raw vegetables are grocer. | (0) |
| Food | 3/31/2022 |
| What do you call a typo on a tombstone? A grave mistake. | (0) |
| Words | 3/31/2022 |
| I've been looking for some new hunting gear. Good camouflage is hard to find! | (0) |
| Hunting | 3/29/2022 |
| I know a guy who collects candy canes. They're all in mint condition! | (1) |
| Christmas | 3/11/2022 |
| My wife and I have decided we don't want children. We plan on telling them after supper. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 3/9/2022 |
| I had a chip implanted in my body. It was a cool ranch dorito! | (0) |
| Food | 3/4/2022 |
| I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing. | (0) |
| Christmas, Relationships | 3/3/2022 |
| What do you call people who take care of chickens? Chicken tenders. | (0) |
| Animals, Food | 3/3/2022 |
| My wife misses me a lot. But I'm worried that her aim is getting better. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/2/2022 |
| How did the octopus beat a shark in a fight? It was well-armed. | (1) |
| Animals | 3/2/2022 |
| Have you ever tried archery wearing a blindfold? You don't know what you're missing! | (0) |
| Blind, Sports | 3/2/2022 |
| I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's giving me lately. | (2) |
| Relationships | 3/2/2022 |
| A petite psychic escaped from prison. Officials said that a small medium is at-large. | (2) |
| Prison | 3/1/2022 |
| My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are…but I laugh more. | (1) |
| Relationships | 2/25/2022 |
| What do you call a deer without eyes? I have no idear. | (0) |
| Animals | 2/25/2022 |
| My girlfriend left me to become an astronaut. She said she needed space. | (0) |
| Relationships | 2/25/2022 |
| Seven has "even" in it…which is odd. | (0) |
| Math, School | 2/25/2022 |
| What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time. | (2) |
| Clothes, Watches | 2/25/2022 |
| What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam. | (0) |
| Animals, Fish | 2/25/2022 |
| When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party. Now I'm homeless. | (0) |
| Friends, Home | 2/22/2022 |
| If a cowboy is happy, does that make him a jolly rancher? | (1) |
| Cowboys | 2/22/2022 |
| What did the dentist name his new boat? The tooth ferry! | (1) |
| Teeth | 2/22/2022 |
| Some bakers have a passion for their craft. Others are just in it for the dough. | (0) |
| Food | 2/22/2022 |
| My doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was tough for me to hear. | (0) |
| Deaf, Doctor | 2/15/2022 |
| I lost 20 pounds last week. Too bad I was in England. | (0) |
| Money, Weight | 2/9/2022 |
| What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. | (2) |
| Sticks | 2/8/2022 |
| All my problems with my wife are psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical. | (1) |
| Relationships | 2/7/2022 |
| I lost my job making orange juice. I got canned. Couldn't concentrate. They really gave me the squeeze! | (1) |
| Food | 2/7/2022 |
| Why do people in Athens hate getting up early? Because dawn is tough on greese. | (0) |
| Sleep | 2/7/2022 |
| What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. | (0) |
| Farting | 2/7/2022 |
| What's the first step to making a series about flying a plane? Filming the pilot. | (0) |
| Airplanes, TV | 2/7/2022 |
| What has three letters and starts with gas? A car. | (0) |
| Cars | 2/7/2022 |
| What do you call news about a body of water? Current events. | (0) |
| News, Water | 2/7/2022 |
| I'm reading a horror story in braile. Something bad is about to happen…I can feel it! | (1) |
| Blind, Books | 2/7/2022 |
| A degree in history is just useless. There's no future in it. | (0) |
| History, School | 2/4/2022 |
| I just started my job as an executioner. I'll beheading there soon! | (0) |
| Work | 2/4/2022 |
| What are you when you clean out the vacuum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner! | (0) |
| Cleaning, Home | 2/4/2022 |
| I was going to make a joke about herbs. But I don't have the thyme. | (0) |
| Food | 2/4/2022 |
| I know a stoner who is filing for divorce. He's fighting for joint custody. | (0) |
| Cannabis, Relationships | 2/3/2022 |
| What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account? Prime-mates. | (0) |
| Amazon, Animals, Monkeys | 2/3/2022 |
| Do you know what Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. | (0) |
| Movies | 2/3/2022 |
| I don't like my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign. Her counter arguments are pretty weak. | (0) |
| Home, Relationships | 2/3/2022 |
| What do you call a woman who is really good at darts? Amy. | (0) |
| Darts, Sports | 1/31/2022 |
| What dating app do lumberjacks use? Timber. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2022 |
| My doctor lost his Twitter account, and now he can't tweet any of his patients. | (0) |
| Doctors, Twitter | 1/27/2022 |
| My son and are are getting new glasses tomorrow. After that, we'll see! | (0) |
| Family | 1/27/2022 |
| Where does Captain Hook buy his spare hooks? At the second-hand store. | (0) |
| Pirates | 1/19/2022 |
| Do you know what I heard? Cattle. | (0) |
| Cows | 1/19/2022 |
| Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. | (0) |
| Toilet paper | 1/19/2022 |
| Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. | (1) |
| Food | 1/19/2022 |
| If you're trying to find out what rocket scientists do on their day off, it's not rocket science. | (1) |
| Science, Work | 1/19/2022 |
| Dad jokes make me numb. Math jokes make me number. | (2) |
| Math, School | 1/19/2022 |
| One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard. It's remarkable! | (1) |
| Christmas, Office | 1/14/2022 |
| My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present. It's a gift! | (0) |
| Christmas | 1/14/2022 |
| I was recently attacked by a group of clowns. The only way I could survive was to go for the juggler. | (0) |
| Clowns | 1/14/2022 |
| Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works from mind control? It makes scents when you think about it. | (0) |
| Mind, Scents | 1/14/2022 |
| Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead. | (1) |
| Dinosaurs | 1/14/2022 |
| Why do companies that make ice commit fraud easier? Because their assets are already frozen. | (0) |
| Accounting, Ice cream | 1/14/2022 |
| Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. | (0) |
| Terrorists | 1/14/2022 |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. | (0) |
| Drugs, Shoes | 1/14/2022 |
Random dad joke
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