WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
(2)The best part of being married is getting to say "let me check with my wife" about something you have absolutely no intention of doing.
10/30/2026 (0)When I was checking out at the grocery store, the cashier said “Will that be all?” I responded “No, I just wanted to show you what I have so far.”
10/30/2026 (0)It must be so frustrating to drive the cart around all over the airport. All you want to do is run people over but you’re only allowed to yell CART in ten different languages.
10/30/2026 (0)My friend asked how tired I am. I told him I just used the light on my phone…to find my phone.
10/30/2026 (0)Someone told me that the safer a kid feels, the more unhinged they act. So I guess all this chaos means I’m killing it as a parent.
10/30/2026 (0)My wife is going to need an oxygen tank for the rest of her life. She says I take her breath away whenever she looks at me.
10/30/2026 (0)What do you call the cow that everyone likes to make fun of? Roast beef.
10/30/2026 (0)Our ancestors could look up into the sky and know exactly where they were. I often walk out of Costco and completely forget where I parked.
10/30/2026 (0)In case you were wondering, those paper towels next to the gas pumps are for wiping away the tears after you fill up.
10/30/2026 (0)Someday you’ll meet that amazing someone who just gets you. And they won’t text you back either.
10/30/2026 (0)I don't want a smart car that tracks my location and grades my driving. I want a car that lasts 200k miles, has actual buttons, and minds its own business when I stop for tacos at 10:47 pm.
10/30/2026 (2)When someone is telling me a sad story and crying, how long should I wait until I take a bite out of my hamburger?
10/30/2026 (0)what happens when you steal a bunch of tires with a gun? You get charged with armed rubbery.
10/30/2026 (0)I don’t like it when my kids dress up as ghosts for Halloween. It makes them smell like sheet.
10/30/2026 (0)Getting a job is easy, all you have to do is get through 14 interviews, complete 6 aptitude tests, solve an unanswerable riddle, defeat a cyclops, and be related to somebody at the company.
10/30/2026 (0)If my wife found out I lost my hearing aids again, I’ll never hear the end of it.
10/30/2026 (0)I should put out a bowl of Halloween candy in my office just in case somebody wants some. Said me, working at home.
10/30/2026 (1)When somebody tells me they are street smart, I instantly wonder, are we talking Sesame Street or Wall Street?
10/30/2026 (0)I got my wife a candle for the bathroom that has a really strong scent. It’s called John Wick.
10/30/2026 (2)There’s a guy at work who always derails meetings with random questions. We asked him not to go down so many rabbit holes, but it didn’t help. So now we call him the bunny proctologist.
10/30/2026 (0)Pro traveling tip: ALWAYS check the hotel alarm clock for unreasonably early wake times. Don’t ask me how I know.
10/30/2026 (0)How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit around talking about how it doesn’t want to work.
10/30/2026 (0)How many tropical birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Toucan.
10/30/2026 (0)After all these years, my wife and I still have great chemistry. However, these days it’s mostly antacids and prescriptions.
10/30/2026 (0)If you were going to choose any kind of tree to fall out of, which kind would you choose? Personally, I would choose a short one.
10/30/2026 (2)Idolizing a politician is like believing that the stripper actually likes you.
10/30/2026 (2)Hiking is basically walking really far to eat snacks in places where you might become one.
10/30/2026 (0)I just read that TSA is thinking of letting unticketed people into the terminals. I was just thinking that airports would be 10x better if we added a bunch of people that dont need to be there.
10/30/2026 (0)I wouldn’t recommend working at Planter’s. Everyone there is a nut job.
10/30/2026 (0)I’m at a girl who said she invented 50 new yoga moves. I said that sounds like kind of a stretch.
10/30/2026 (0)There was a holdup at the bank last week. They really need to find some faster tellers.
10/30/2026 (0)Did you know that Captain Hook could single-handedly steer a ship?
10/30/2026 (0)I’ve reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed. Problem is, I went to bed seven times last night.
10/30/2026 (0)All these politicians that have my phone number, yet none of them ever hit me up to play a round of golf.
10/30/2026 (0)Luke Warm would be an epic name for a meteorologist.
10/30/2026 (0)If there’s ever a zombie attack, go to Costco. There’s a lot of food and water, plus the zombies can’t get in without a membership.
10/30/2026 (0)Before you let Taylor Swift influence your vote, remember than 90% of her hit songs are about choosing the wrong person.
10/30/2026 (0)What’s the best way to open a bottle of champagne? Brut force. What’s the second best way? Hit it with the side of a boat.
10/30/2026 (0)Any time you’re feeling stupid, remember that literacy classes often advertise in the newspaper.
10/30/2026 (0)Where do baby ghosts go while their parents are at work? Day scare.
10/30/2026 (0)If Hamilton isn’t a musical, and it isn’t an opera, what genre is it? It’s a hip-hopera.
10/30/2026 (0)The shampoo bottle said use liberally, so I stood in the shower screaming about ICE and calling everyone a racist.
10/30/2026 (0)If I had $5 for every math test I aced, I’d have like $37!
10/30/2026 (0)Don't let your worries get the best of you…remember, Moses Started out as a basket case.
10/30/2026 (0)I just need to see a few more campaign ads, then I’ll be ready to make my final decision. Said no one ever.
10/30/2026 (0)I don't know how to describe it but 70 with the heat on, and 70 with the AC on, are two completely different temperatures.
10/30/2026 (0)What type of pasta are you not allowed to put on the table? Elbow.
10/30/2026 (0)What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot? A cell-fie.
10/30/2026 (0)Sometimes I think ghosts are just people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.
10/30/2026 (0)Someone should make an app where you can upload your bills and a bored billionaire can swipe right to pay them.
10/30/2026 (0)An attractive woman complemented James Bond on his watch and he said “With this watch, I can see that you’re not wearing any panties.” She said “But I am wearing them?” “Bond responded “It must be running an hour ahead.”
10/30/2026 (0)Americans finished the Hoover Dam in just five years during the Great Depression. California still cannot finish one train.
10/30/2026 (0)You know you’re a grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
10/30/2026 (0)I got confused by all of the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
10/30/2026 (0)If Joe is 64 years old and his girlfriend is 23, how much money does Joe have?
10/30/2026 (0)Having FU money doesn’t mean you quit work, it just means you can stop laughing at jokes that aren’t funny.
10/30/2026 (0)Sometimes when I travel, I will review my daughter’s homework on the plane. Now that’s what I call higher education!
10/30/2026 (0)My parents would say, “Excuse my French” after they swore. I’ll never forget the look on my teacher’s face on the first day of school when she asked if anybody knew any French.
10/30/2026 (0)A fun part about traveling is during election season when you start to get phone calls, text messages, and online ads for people in places you can’t even vote for.
10/30/2026 (0)If you work security at a Samsung store, does that make you guardian of the galaxy?
10/30/2026 (0)A good way to get out of an unwanted conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person who is talking.
10/30/2026 (0)I read every one of these political text messages just in case they accidentally include an insider trading tip.
10/30/2026 (0)How did Dr Frankenstein keep track of all of his body parts? In an organizer.
10/30/2026 (0)Due to inflation, my doctor had to lower my diagnosis from ADHD to ADSD with ads.
10/30/2026 (0)Sometimes when I’m really trying to prove a point, I like my own messages when I argue with my wife over text.
10/30/2026 (0)As you prepare for Halloween and what candy to pick, remember that 80 Reese’s pumpkins have 320 grams of protein.
10/30/2026 (0)I bet if voting automatically made all the political texts and calls stop, we’d see record turnouts at the polls.
10/30/2026 (0)Whenever I leave a restaurant and a table nearby is being obnoxious, I make sure to stop by on the way out and say “Thanks so much for covering our check!”
10/30/2026 (0)If I was an Asian assassin, my code name would be Chinese Takeout.
10/30/2026 (0)I replied STOP to a political text. Apparently that means “Send Twenty Other Politicians.”
10/30/2026 (0)I have a Mexican friend who is a bodybuilder and lactose intolerant. We call him No Whey Jose.
10/30/2026 (0)What do you call a vegan bodybuilder? A beet cake.
10/30/2026 (0)Instead of a gym membership, I just use the weights at Target. So far they haven’t said anything about the shoplifting.
10/30/2026 (0)I quit smoking cold turkey. Now I’m on to ribs and brisket.
10/30/2026 (0)I went shopping today and I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to get beer or eggs. So I got six of one and half dozen of the other.
10/30/2026 (0)What kind of monster is the best dancer? The boogie man.
10/30/2026 (0)Why don’t Jehovah’s witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don’t like random people knocking at their door.
10/30/2026 (0)I’ve had long-term boyfriends that text me less than these politicians have.
10/30/2026 (0)If Wilson gave Tom Hanks a loan, he’d be Owen Wilson.
10/30/2026 (0)When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you? When you’re a mouse.
10/30/2026 (0)I think candy corn was meant to be decorative and one day someone ate a piece and was too embarrassed to admit they made a mistake and now here we are.
10/30/2026 (0)Friendly reminder that clocks get set back one hour tonight. Which means absolutely nothing to those of us with kids.
10/30/2026 (10)One time a magician told me, “Pick a card, any card.” So I took his American Express. Best magic show ever.
10/16/2026 (5)I love kindness unless it’s at a four-way stop with a person waving me on when it’s clearly their turn and they are just wasting everyone else’s time.
10/16/2026 (0)You know who’s laughing now? The Amish, as they clickity-clack past every gas station.
10/16/2026 (0)My wife recently started calling me Peter Pan. She says it’s because my jokes never land.
10/16/2026 (0)Did you know that the princess bride never had any children? It was inconceivable!
10/16/2026 (0)I’ve asked everybody what LBGTQ stands for, and so far no one can give me a straight answer!
10/16/2026 (0)It has been reported that raccoons are trying to break into Cybertrucks because they think they are dumpsters.
10/16/2026 (0)What kind of lamps were popular during medieval times? Knight lights.
10/16/2026 (0)What do you call a war hero who retires and takes up farming? E-I-G-I Joe.
10/16/2026 (0)What does a farmer‘s wife tell him after all day riding a donkey? You smell like ass.
10/16/2026 (0)They just added AI to Keeping up with the Kardashians. Funny how it’s only the second most artificial thing on that show.
10/16/2026 (0)When someone asks what I am doing later, and I will reply with “nothing”, please understand that it’s not an opening in my schedule. Nothing is the planned event.
10/16/2026 (0)Do you know what I find really odd? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.
10/16/2026 (0)Things I learned today: when someone shares a picture of a baby on Facebook, your comment shouldn’t be “Yikes”.
10/16/2026 (0)Sometimes I look at people and wonder, “Wow, how expired were their mom‘s eggs?”
10/16/2026 (0)Friend: I thought you were dieting? Me: I am. Friend: You just had three doughnuts. Me: But I wanted four. See, dieting.
10/16/2026 (0)A guy broke into my house last week. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. What a psycho.
10/16/2026 (0)A bad day in the mountains is better than a good day at work. Unless you get eaten by a bear, then it’s a tie.
10/16/2026Random dad joke
Dad joke loading…
Share a dad joke
 Copy text to clipboard |
 Copy URL to clipboard |
 Share via text message |
 Share via email |
 Share via LinkedIn |
 Share via Facebook |
 Share via Twitter |
 Share via Pinterest |
How to use
Searching
To search for multiple words across the entire listing, use a comma. Any records matching any of the text strings are returned.
Example: “Christmas, Santa” would return any records with Christmas OR Santa in the text, tags, etc.
To search for multiple words across the entire listing, use a comma. Any records matching any of the text strings are returned.
Example: “Christmas, Santa” would return any records with Christmas OR Santa in the text, tags, etc.
To search for multiple words in the same record across the listing, use a | pipe character. Records matching all of the text strings are returned.
Example “Christmas| Santa” would return only records containing BOTH Christmas and Santa in the text, tags, etc.
Kid-friendly dad jokes
Click the teddy bear icon to toggle between showing all dad jokes and those kids around 5-6 years old are more likely to understand.
Random dad jokes
Click the question box to display a random joke in a pop-up (great for starting off meetings with energy!). Click again to show a new joke.
Sorting
Click the sort icon to select the order you’d like the jokes sorted in. By default, it sorts them in date added descending.
Tags
Each joke has one or more categorical tags to help find them. Click the tag icon and it will prompt you to use the tag in the filter as a shortcut.
Sharing
You can share a joke with a variety of channels (email, text, social, clipboard). Click the share icon within a joke box to display the sharing options.
Likes
You can like a joke to vote them up and find them later. Click the Like icon within the joke box to toggle a like on/off.
