WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

Did you hear President Trump wants to rename Canadian geese to Donald ducks?

Aging is awkward, especially when you lie down on the floor to do a sit-up, then you get halfway there and realize you can’t do a sit-up, but you can’t get up either.

The key to a successful marriage is reminding your husband that you’re not as annoying as you could be and he should be grateful for that.

My son asked me how many feet are in a yard. I responded “It really depends on how many people are there.”

If they’d just put Chick-Fil-A employees in charge of home pick-up, we’d all be home by 3:07.

Sponges grow with the bottom of the ocean. I wonder how much deeper it would be if that didn’t happen.

You know what’s unique about pun cruises? They only have one liner.

Did you ever notice in Mario Kart when you run off the track that you always get Toad?

What do you call two witches living together? Broom mates.

There was a really long line waiting to get in to the Dominoes world championships. Well, at least until I pushed the guy in front of me over.

Snoring is basically bragging that you’re getting great sleep and you don’t want anyone else to beat you.

I traded a bird for some German sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.

I was born male and identify as male, but according to Stouffer’s lasagna, I’m a family of five.

I hope the Kardashians stay away from the beach this summer. All we need is more plastic in the ocean.

What happens when you take a nap next to the ocean? You wake up with resting beach face.

Some of the best marriage advice ever got: if you need a can opener, just buy a new can opener. Don’t give it to your wife as a Christmas present.

What do you call it when a drummer plays way too fast for the rest of the band? A tempo tantrum.

I’ve learned a lot from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

As I was eating some chicken, a vegan yelled at me and said “You know he has a family!” To which I responded, “Yeah, that’s why I got the family bucket, so no one gets left behind!”

Why weren’t the new presidential stamps working so well? People were spitting on the wrong side.

Matthew McConaughey promised me he would be a good penpal. He said I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

My cat really likes stormy winter. When it rains, it purrs.

Some guys may have a six-pack, but I have a whole keg!

I accidentally said “Let’s take this outside” instead of “Let’s take this offline” during a Teams meeting today. I’m pretty sure now I have to fight everyone in the parking lot at 4:00.

How did people in the old west greet each other? With open arms.

If you ever see cigarette smoke coming from a Dollar Store, that means they have successfully appointed a new store manager.

Of all the things they let you sample at a Sam’s Club, why is there nothing at the pharmacy?

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

Keith Richards and Willie Nelson outliving Dolly Parton and Richard Simmons really has me questioning everything D.A.R.E. taught me.

There are Doritos with extra protein and now Coke comes with extra protein. How come we haven’t seen 30g margaritas?

My 12YO daughter still hasn’t done the dishes, and I asked her 4 hours ago. Now she’s freaking out because she can’t find her phone. Which is on silent in the dishwasher.

I’m riding with my boyfriend on his Harley and I’m too scared to tell him that I lost my shoe 3 miles ago because we’re already late to the rally.

I hate how people stop giving you money for your birthday. Once you reach like 18. I need it far more now than I ever did when I was 10.

If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in those plates at church?

An interviewer asked me what my dream job is. I said “In my dreams, I don’t even need a job.”

I called the wildlife hotline and was told to press one for birds, two for fish, or hold on for deer life.

What’s the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk? One is badgering a witness, and the other is witnessing a badger.

What starts with W, ends with IFE, and could be dangerous for your health? Wildlife.

What do you call a bunch of African oxen posting gossip about the other animals? Fake gnus.

When George Clooney was asked what he thought about AI, he said “Well ideally I am not in a tampon commercial 20 years after I’m dead.”

If someone asks you to donate all your leather jackets to charity, don’t fall for it. It’s a Fonzi scheme.

I’m no longer donating to people competing in marathons. They just take the money and run.

There’s a new charity that lets you smell all kinds of good food for a dollar but not eat it. It’s called Salivation Army.

Sometimes I pay my dog groomer in advance and he says he codes it to de-furred revenue. I found my new best friend.

What is a procrastinator‘s favorite exercise? Wait lifting.

Marry someone you’d enjoy running a small, poorly-funded summer camp with. That’s most of the job.

What’s it called when a dachshund breaks the law? A misdeweiner.

For everyone else, Labor Day is the end of summer. But in Texas, the armadillo always sees his shadow, which means eight more weeks of summer.

I went to the hospital, and the doctor said I would be on my feet real soon. He was right, I had to sell my car to pay the medical bills.

We were at a seafood restaurant in the server. Asked us if we wanted to try any alligator. I said “Sure, and make it snappy!”

The tagline for the NSA is that they are the only part of the government that really listens to you.

Did you know that dog gets more factual information from sniffing another dog’s butt than a human does from the mainstream media?

What do you call a German man with only one hand? Han Solo.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday. That’s the last time I ride with her to bingo!

My Russian grandparents couldn’t stand each other, but they stayed together until the end. It was a so-be-it union.

At 80 years old, my grandmother still doesn’t need glasses. She says it tastes better drinking straight from the carton.

What do you call a spelling test where every student passes? Unbelievable.

Chameleons are supposed to blend in really well. Unless you put them in a smoothie.

One time I performed CPR on a deer. I’d do anything to save a buck.

Why does nobody give Winnie the Pooh any credit for inventing the crop top?

What do you call the man who runs a furniture store? The chairman.

How many amnesia patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side.

I saw Cruella De Vil at a science convention. She was wearing a lab coat.

Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.

When I was 24 I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. At 38, I just want a job where nobody knows me or is allowed to talk to me.

What do you call a hammer that’s $0.25 at a garage sale? A quarter pounder.

When young people try to tell me about their problems, I like to tell them a story about the time I survived without my cell phone or the internet for 40 years.

My 68-year-old mother is helping my 94-year-old grandma recover from an email hack. It’s like watching a monkey play cards with a horse.

My girlfriend said we can’t have Chinese food today because we had it yesterday. I’m like “But I’m China, they do it every day?!?”

My boss asked me if I ever spread gossip about my coworkers. I said “No, but you know who does?!?”

I bought two new books on decision making. But I don’t know which one I should start first.

Right after she gave birth, the nurse brought my wife a pineapple, a banana, and a peach saying “I thought you’d want to enjoy the fruits of your labor.”

Why are trombone players so chill? They always just let it slide.

My wife freaked out when our son ate the candle from his second birthday cake. I said “Calm down, honey, this 2 shall pass.”

Today I found a quarter with bite marks all over it. I don’t think they understand how bitcoin works.

A man walked into a shoe store and asked if they had any alligator shoes. The worker said “We sure do. What size does he wear?” Then he pointed over to a wall full of Crocs.

Before you go out drinking, make sure you eat some liver so the alcohol doesn’t know which liver to attack.

The smaller the screw, the further it will roll away. Because…physics.

The way you talk to the printer when it doesn’t work is the real you.

Jokes about murder aren’t very funny. Unless they are properly executed.

What’s the definition of a will? A dead giveaway.

The moon is more useful than the sun because the moon gives us light at night when it's dark. The sun only gives light during the day when it's already light out.

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia…just remember, you're not alone.

What’s the best place to find secondhand seafood? At the prawn shop.

What do you call a pack of cigarettes purchased at a thrift shop? Secondhand smokes.

There’s a unique feeling you get when you’re scrolling through job listings and suddenly you see your own company promising great culture, career growth and work-life balance.

I’m about to kill off a few of the characters in the book I’m writing. That should spice up my autobiography.

I like to constantly challenge myself because the competition is limited, and the winner usually gets ice cream.

I got a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when she texted back “sorry, wrong number” a couple minutes later.

What do you call two people whose relationship started on Twitter? Love birds!

How does a word game champion like their eggs? Scrabbled.

Zebra stripe gum was so wild. You could start chewing it in 1996 and it would run out of flavor in 1989.

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Plumbing trunks.

Ice cream is clearly essential for survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have any, and look how they turned out.

Sometimes when I don’t know how to spell a word, I change the entire sentence to avoid using it.

My wife emailed me some pictures from our wedding. I guess she doesn’t realize I struggle with emotional attachments.

Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to crap on the chessboard and strut around like it won anyway.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some arsenic to kill her husband. The pharmacist says “I can’t do that.” Then she hands him a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist‘s wife and he says “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Pavlov walks into a bar, his phone rings, and he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!”

What does Bugs Bunny say when you meets a tenured professor? “What’s up, post doc?”