WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

What do you call a hammer that’s $0.25 at a garage sale? A quarter pounder.

When young people try to tell me about their problems, I like to tell them a story about the time I survived without my cell phone or the internet for 40 years.

My 68-year-old mother is helping my 94-year-old grandma recover from an email hack. It’s like watching a monkey play cards with a horse.

My girlfriend said we can’t have Chinese food today because we had it yesterday. I’m like “But I’m China, they do it every day?!?”

My boss asked me if I ever spread gossip about my coworkers. I said “No, but you know who does?!?”

I bought two new books on decision making. But I don’t know which one I should start first.

Right after she gave birth, the nurse brought my wife a pineapple, a banana, and a peach saying “I thought you’d want to enjoy the fruits of your labor.”

Why are trombone players so chill? They always just let it slide.

My wife freaked out when our son ate the candle from his second birthday cake. I said “Calm down, honey, this 2 shall pass.”

Today I found a quarter with bite marks all over it. I don’t think they understand how bitcoin works.

A man walked into a shoe store and asked if they had any alligator shoes. The worker said “We sure do. What size does he wear?” Then he pointed over to a wall full of Crocs.

Before you go out drinking, make sure you eat some liver so the alcohol doesn’t know which liver to attack.

The smaller the screw, the further it will roll away. Because…physics.

The way you talk to the printer when it doesn’t work is the real you.

Jokes about murder aren’t very funny. Unless they are properly executed.

What’s the definition of a will? A dead giveaway.

The moon is more useful than the sun because the moon gives us light at night when it's dark. The sun only gives light during the day when it's already light out.

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia…just remember, you're not alone.

What’s the best place to find secondhand seafood? At the prawn shop.

What do you call a pack of cigarettes purchased at a thrift shop? Secondhand smokes.

There’s a unique feeling you get when you’re scrolling through job listings and suddenly you see your own company promising great culture, career growth and work-life balance.

I’m about to kill off a few of the characters in the book I’m writing. That should spice up my autobiography.

I like to constantly challenge myself because the competition is limited, and the winner usually gets ice cream.

I got a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when she texted back “sorry, wrong number” a couple minutes later.

What do you call two people whose relationship started on Twitter? Love birds!

How does a word game champion like their eggs? Scrabbled.

Zebra stripe gum was so wild. You could start chewing it in 1996 and it would run out of flavor in 1989.

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Plumbing trunks.

Ice cream is clearly essential for survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have any, and look how they turned out.

Sometimes when I don’t know how to spell a word, I change the entire sentence to avoid using it.

My wife emailed me some pictures from our wedding. I guess she doesn’t realize I struggle with emotional attachments.

Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to crap on the chessboard and strut around like it won anyway.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some arsenic to kill her husband. The pharmacist says “I can’t do that.” Then she hands him a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist‘s wife and he says “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Pavlov walks into a bar, his phone rings, and he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!”

What does Bugs Bunny say when you meets a tenured professor? “What’s up, post doc?”

I’m questioning the structural integrity of a city built on rock and roll.

A friend of mine bred a messenger pigeon with a woodpecker. Now it doesn’t just deliver the message, it knocks on the door when it gets there.

One minute you’re young and cool…maybe even a little dangerous. The next minute you’re reading Amazon reviews for bird seed.

I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest.

I may look content, but deep down, I want to become an octopus so that I can slap eight people at once.

We were listening to oldies in the car and my son said “Dad all the songs on your radio sound the same.” I told him to stop stereotyping.

I got a fortune cookie that said “You are destined to go far.” Then I missed my exit on the highway.

Just found out that my uncle - a lifelong Republican - is voting Democrat this fall. That would have never happened if he was alive.

When the doctor asks me how much pain I’m in on a scale of 1-10, I say Pi. It’s not a lot but it never ends.

I’m not rude. I’m verbally spicy, and you can’t handle the flavor.

Every time I say No, my kids hear “Ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

It takes a big man to admit he was wrong. It takes an even bigger man to cut a giraffe’s hair.

People are a lot like onions. When you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts to cry.

Some of my other dad friends and I are thinking about getting new Harley’s and starting a gang. We would call it Puns of Anarchy.

I can’t figure out why, but washing dishes at someone else’s house is much easier than washing them at home.

Why is it that operating a hotel shower is basically an IQ test you have to take naked?

I have finally reached the age where my Pez dispenser is filled with antacids.

I always lick the knife when I am finished, and I always get the same shocked looked from the other surgeons.

When I see initials carved on a tree in a heart, I don’t find it cute or romantic, I find it weird how many people take knives on their dates.

What happens when you’re late for your cosmetology test? You have to take the makeup exam.

What do you call someone who constantly swears at their computer mouse? A cursor.

I met a girl named Sierra who runs a battery kiosk at the park. So basically, Sierra sells C cells by the seesaw.

Funniest thing my wife has ever said: “My gynecologist follows me on Instagram. I really do not know what else he wants to see.”

What do trains and puppies have in common? All they do is Choo Choo Choo.

Why do hound dogs make for good accountants? They track every scent.

Some people are really misled when they buy a golden retriever and find out all they really retrieve is tennis balls.

I took my puppy in for his shot today. Poor little thing threw up everywhere. I guess tequila is not his thing.

I’m pretty sure my dog works for whatever the opposite of Build-A-Bear is.

I hate it when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun. I don’t need running shoes to run, but it sure freaking helps.

Don’t share your pastries with the pigeons in New York…unless you want to fill two birds with one scone.

I for one appreciate a good Roman numeral pun.

What is the difference between Excel and a proctologist? One spreads sheets and the other spreads cheeks.

My favorite Disney movie is the hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted backstory.

One time my friend tested positive for Coke. He immediately lost his job at the Pepsi plant.

If ignorance is bliss, it seems like there should be a lot more happy people.

When a woman wears leather clothes, a man's heart beats quicker, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. It’s because she smells like a new truck.

Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog.

What do French people say when they are trying to swear politely, pardon my English?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it called a #2 pencil?

The CEOs of L’Oreal and Estée Lauder got into a huge argument last week. But don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll make up soon.

What do the White House and skinny jeans have in common? No ballroom.

The other day I started peeing in the deep end of the pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in!

What is a lifeguard’s favorite type of joke? Dry humor.

Submitting job applications these days kind of feels like writing a letter to Santa back when we were kids.

If I was a serial killer, I want people to call me “The Suspense” so my victims would be like “oh no, the suspense is killing me” and then we would both laugh before before I kill them.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a kid. Do they just show up or is there a number I call? I think they’re having trouble finding me.

I will never understand people’s fascination with ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?

What is the first thing a psychic says when they first meet you? “Now, I know what you’re thinking…”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

My psychic said I would experience unimaginable grief in about 15 years. So to cheer myself up, I bought an adorable puppy!

What happens when you break a psychic’s crystal ball? It costs you a fortune.

Do you ever look in the fridge for a snack only to find no snack-worthy snacks, so you lower your snackspectations and just eat a single slice of cheese or a random grape?

I left my front door open in my Roomba just went out and I can’t find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators.

I just heard someone turn down after-work plans because they had an avocado at home. It’s about to go bad. That’s my favorite excuse yet.

I hate it when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park. I need some privacy.

What do you call a man who identifies as a fish? Mentally eel.

Netflix: You wanna watch a 10-hour movie? Me: No, are you insane? Netflix: What if we break it into 10 1-hour episodes and you watch them all in one sitting? Me: Ooow, that sounds awesome, I’m in.

I’ve been with my wife longer than my parents. So whatever is wrong with me is now her fault.

This new guy at work texted everyone at the office asking for money. Then I saw him in a nice convertible, clearly not broke. Turns out he’s an introvert and that’s his way of keeping people away. What a genius.

The older I get, the more I understand why cats just walk away mid-conversation.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person, they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash.

America is great because when the entire world tried to bully them into using the metric system, they said sure and then only used it for bullets.

Being in your 40s is weird. You’re the youngest of old people and the oldest of young people. Kind of like being the middle child of all adults.

I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit. Technically, yes. But not really.

When I play golf, sometimes I hit the ball so hard that it changes brands when I finally find it.