WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

When she was breastfeeding, I called my accountant wife a “pass-through entity”. That’s why I’m sleeping on the couch this week.

I’m just waiting until a strong password has to contain a hieroglyph, a musical note, and a drop of unicorn’s blood.

Influencers are like “Wake up at 4:00 AM and run, that’s Alpha!” No, it’s not. Look at Apex predators: they’re all lazy. Bears hibernate, lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4:00 AM and runs? Squirrels.

My wife and I argue over the best way to put the toilet paper on the holder, so our therapist recommended we look at each other’s perspectives using roll reversal.

In a virtual class, a kid clicked the “raise hand” button and when the professor called on him, he said “Sorry I was just stretching.”

Ever wonder why baby clothes have pockets? It’s not like they have money or goals…

When we’re young, we sneak out of parties to go to parties. When we’re old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

You can take away my fireworks if you pry them out of my cold, dead hands. Which are over there on the sidewalk.

One time when I was on a date with a cannibal, I told her I was from a blended family. She said, “That’s great, I love smoothies!”

What is a highlighter’s favorite move when playing Twister? Knee on yellow.

It’s ridiculous that people are still shooting off fireworks on July 7th. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire!

A new prison program is allowing inmates to get a video game system in return for valuable intel. They’re calling it Snitches get Switches.

I pirated a video game yesterday. Gave it 3.14 stars.

Why don’t dentists and manicurists make for a good couple? Because they are always fighting tooth and nail.

Cannibals are especially attracted to fashion designers. They have such great taste.

They said technology would eliminate unnecessary work. Instead, now I have 60 passwords, 13 verification codes, and a robot asking if I’m a robot.

As we were boarding a flight from LA to Hawaii, I said to my daughter “This looks kind of small for a plane heading to Japan.” The brief look of panic from at least 5 people who looked up was priceless.

If your name is Sarah and you’re not telling people it’s short for Triceratops, what are you even doing with your life?

You should definitely strive to be better than yesterday. But remember to massively screw up from time to time to reset the difficulty level.

Why is it that when you donate a kidney, everybody loves you. But if you try to donate five of them, somebody calls the police.

What is a dentist’s favorite class in college? Flossiphy.

My dad found an old stuffed replica of his family dog growing up in the attic. He said “Do you know what this would fetch if it was in good condition?” I said “Probably a stick.”

I have a deadly disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says it’s terminal.

You know what goes great with coronavirus? Lime disease.

Two cows are standing in a field and one asks the other “What do you think of this mad cow disease?” The other says “I don’t really care, I’m a squirrel.”

When I was little, I had this disease where I had to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Thank goodness my older brother told me about it early on!

What do you call a short Irish guy that lies about having skin disease? A leper con.

My proctologist stopped breathing during my colonoscopy. It must have been ass fixiation.

To err is human, but moo is bovine.

What do you call it when a cow walks backwards? Moo walking.

Why do cattle farmers spend so much time at the gym? So they can have strong calves.

I lost my golf buddy to a tragic accident. He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.

I asked ChatGPT if it understood women and it said only God knows.

I just started a deer cloning business. My goal is to make a quick buck.

I’m going back to school to get my PhD so that every time an Amazon package arrives I can say “Just what the doctor ordered!”

Did you hear about the alcoholic who was arrested for stealing a bottle of Jack Daniels? He pleaded the fifth.

If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop whining.

A college kid told me that there was no way people wrote 10-page papers without AI. I told him “Look here, back in my day we were writing 10-page papers without even reading the book.

My friend said “Can I ask a stupid question?” and I told him “Yeah, better than anybody I know.”

What group do a bunch of racists chemists join? The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

If someone is diagnosed with kleptomania, does the doctor prescribe them something to take?

Mimes and criminals are dressed in stripes because of all the unspeakable things they’ve done.

Why didn’t Indiana Jones go into the strip club? He could tell it was a booby trap.

I use a spreadsheet to track the number of days before Easter. It’s totally Excel lent.

I found a pebble shaped like a guitar pick. I told my wife it must be for rock music.

I’m planning on majoring in geology and piano in college. It sounds like the best way to make rock music.

Despite having the word “quit” in their name, mosquitoes are pretty darn persistent.

Think of how profoundly, dangerously stupid the average human being is, and then realize with absolute horror that half of the population is even dumber than that.

Everybody hates math until their paycheck looks a little off. All of a sudden you know differential calculus.

There’s a gang going around town stealing all kinds of clothes and they started with all the extra small sizes. They are currently at large.

What’s worse than a box of venomous snakes? A box that should contain venomous snakes.

I watched my friend’s huge snake while he was gone but couldn’t get it to eat anything, even a live virgin. When he got home, he covered her in Hawaiian rolls and said “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun.”

Chuck Norris found all five Willy Wonka golden tickets inside an M&M‘s package.

Whoever first said the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” never had a rattlesnake disappear under the bed.

What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.

I accidentally sent a naked picture to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, it cost a fortune in stamps.

When a pyromaniac dies, do you know what to say at his funeral? “Wherever he went, he really lit up the room.”

When she was young, my wife got a tattoo of a dolphin. But now it looks more like a whale and I don’t have the courage to tell her.

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.

Kids are kind of like tattoos. They might seem like permanent bad decisions, but you can remove them with lasers.

What do you call an unfinished tattoo on your left butt cheek? A half-ass job.

On the weekend I like to play chess with the elderly men at the park. Unfortunately, it’s often difficult to find 32 of them.

I went to have a paternity test done, and I asked for a pop quiz. They said, “Well clearly you’re somebody’s dad…”

The World Cup is just a giant sleepover with the cousins we never see because our parents hate each other too much.

LinkedIn Easy Apply is so great because you can ensure your resume ends up in the trash much faster.

Love thy neighbor would be a lot easier if he would stop mowing his lawn so early every Saturday morning.

Why don’t you tend to see people kissing at funerals? Because everyone has mourning breath.

I kissed my wife when we were sitting on the sofa and she said “Let’s take this upstairs!” I said “Okay, I’ll grab this end and you grab the other.”

I told my therapist that I think I’m addicted to Instagram. She said, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I follow you.”

The biggest problem I have with the tooth fairy is that she teaches kids that you can sell body parts for money.

I got a good deal on a boat ride to a magic carnival. It was a fair ferry fare to the fairy fair.

I’ve always liked properties with a pool. It’s great to have some liquid assets.

Most people know of even Steve, but have you heard of his weird older brother Odd Todd?

One time an interviewer asked me to describe a time I overcame adversity. I told him I successfully completed their online job application.

When two vegans fight, it’s not considered a beef - it’s a beet down.

This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. How about those odds?

At this point, I think they should just drain the reflecting pool and turn it into a ball pit.

If I was an electrician, I would put Power Ranger on my business cards.

If robots can mow lawns and sweep the floor, how come they can’t figure out how to check the “I am not a robot” box?

My boss suggested I signed up for a 401(k). But there’s no way I’m running that far.

I was taught to think before I act. So if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured I’ve thought about it, and I’m happy with my decision.

My wife is going through a phase where she is buying a lot of pets. It’s called many paws.

I was really disappointed to learn that my universal remote does not even remotely control the universe.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter that it may contain peanuts, I realize why aliens don’t visit us anymore.

I don’t understand food trucks that charge more than dine-in restaurants. Like, the discount is associated with me being willing to eat on the sidewalk.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “Do you mind if I skip to the front, I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “Do you think we’re all here for fun?”

The other day Bigfoot saw me, but nobody believes him.

You never really know what you have until it’s gone. Not the lesson you want to learn with toilet paper.

Do you know what would be sacrilegious? Worshiping paper bags.

Preschool rules and bar rules are the same. If you pee your pants, you go home.

My friend set me up on a blind date and said “I gotta warn you, she’s expecting a baby.” I felt like such an idiot wearing just a diaper at the bar.

If they could only understand dad jokes, I bet I could kill two birds with one groan.

I just finished reading a book that talks about the power of a firm handshake. I found it gripping.

I heard that WD-40 keeps mice out of the garden. It didn’t work, but at least they stopped squeaking.

Nothing drives me into a murderous rage like waiting 30 minutes on the phone for a task the website can’t do and being reminded every 10 seconds to try using the website next time.

Every time right before July 4 rolls around, I think to myself “This is the last time someone will have all 10 fingers.”

Growing up hearing "Wikipedia isn't a valid source" and then entering a workplace where people say "just ask ChatGPT" is a surprisingly strange timeline.

The elder I get, the more I hate making stops on the way home after work. I drive home like I’m late for the house.

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.

I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.