WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

What are the three quickest ways to get a message from New York to Los Angeles? Telegraph, telephone, tell a woman.

I really hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole life is urined.

Why does Utah have such bad cell phone service? Not enough bars.

My bike was steering the wrong way, so I called my cyclologist.

Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them. The government can’t even stop a telemarketer.

Working at the hydro power plant is a no-win situation. You are dammed if you do, and dammed if you don’t.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery said his daughter was born yesterday. He said maybe they'll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

Kids today will never know that before the Internet, we sat down on Sunday nights to watch Bob Saget host TikTok on television.

What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler.

Nobody sees the 4:00 am workouts. Nobody sees the hours of weekly meal prepping. Nobody sees any of this. Probably because I don’t do those things.

How does Arnold Schwarzenegger begin a game of chess? He says “I’ll be black.”

If I could change the color of one of the seven dwarfs, I would dye Happy.

If you think you can hurt my feelings, you should know that I used to hold the flashlight for my dad.

Why was the Jolly Green giant so upset? Because he got canned.

Do you know what I think about the chicken dance? It’s poultry in motion.

My favorite movies feature Wonder Woman, Xena, and Batgirl. I think I might be a heroine addict.

DC comics should make a mashup between The Flash and the Incredible Hulk. They could call it the Fast and the Furious.

I just heard that before he became Spider-Man, Peter Parker wanted to be a web designer. I guess he got his wish.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander woman.

Do you know who the Environmental Protection Agency is using for their new going green initiative? The incredible Hulk.

When Thor throws a hammer, they call him a hero. When I do it, I’m banned from Home Depot.

Batman is afraid of bats, and Spider-Man is afraid of spiders. Now I know why they call me a ladies man.

What is Iron Man without his suit? Stark naked.

What’s the best way to tie up an alien? With an Astro knot.

I was abducted by aliens, and they made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Apparently, I was on the mothership.

A thief broke into a college bookstore and stole $15,000 worth of textbooks. Fortunately, police were able to recover both books.

Raising kids is like being constantly surrounded by a tiny sales team. They’re always trying to persuade you into buying something. And they assume everything you say is just your opening offer.

I started using a new font style with my emails at work. My boss said he appreciates all of my bold decisions.

The next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer whispering, “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere.”

Which AI model is always right, but still hallucinates? ChatShePT.

Sausages shouldn’t have a best-by date, they should have a wurst-by date.

It’s not safe to run in the library. Especially in the non-friction section.

Why do eggs come in a flimsy Styrofoam carton and batteries come in a package that only a chainsaw can open?

A toddler just like a Pokémon. It follows you around, you can’t understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight others is frowned upon.

I told my wife her teeth looked like pearls in the moonlight. She said, “Who the heck is Pearl and what were you doing with her in the moonlight?!?”

When is it too late to have a baby shower? Because my mom never had one when she was pregnant with me, and I need some clothes.

Where’s the best place to get cheap pencils? Pennsylvania.

I told my son I didn’t need his attitude right now. He responded: “I’m here all week, let me know when you need it.”

Having a toddler and big kids at the same time is wild…because one is asking deep life questions and the other is licking the couch.

Do you know how much memory it takes to store all my dad jokes? 10 giggle bites.

Why can’t NASA send a duck to the moon? Because the bill would be astronomical.

Where is the best place to buy a long ruler? At a yard sale.

What do you call a globe conspiracy theorist that gets run over by a bus? A flat earther.

Rocks that hit the Earth from outer space are called meteorites. What do you call the ones that miss? Meteor wrongs.

My son asked me to tell him a fun fact about space. I told him it’s the largest key on the keyboard.

Me: The voices just won’t stop. Therapist: Those are people, they are allowed to talk.

Chuck Norris has to use oven mitts, otherwise he would burn the pans.

Kinda crazy that artificial intelligence needs the entire output of a nuclear reactor, but mediocre human intelligence can run on Twix bars and Monster Energy.

Which famous actor was in a hurry to pay off his house? Mortgage Freeman.

I don’t understand how women can have a panic attack about a broken nail but hit a curb doing 60 MPH and go “Whoops, my bad!”

I told my doctor that every time I stand up too fast I see Mickey Mouse, Pluto, and Goofy. He said it sounds like I’m just having some Disney spells.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles.

Me: “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: “But you ARE the lawyer?” Me: “Then where’s my present?”

What do you do if you see an upside down dolphin? Flipper!

TurboTax is the worse computer game ever.

How can you tell if someone was born via C-section? They try to exit the car through your sunroof.

If IKEA ever committed tax fraud, I bet the IRS would struggle to build a case against them.

What do you call a ventriloquist without his dummy? Schizophrenic.

Why don’t dogs pay taxes on their meals? Because they are all under the table.

What do you call a bloodsucking tax specialist? Account Dracula.

I have the memory of an elephant. This one time I saw one with big ears and he could fly.

When my teacher told me to turn in my essay, I told her I ain’t no snitch.

I heard that most men don’t know their wife’s favorite flower. My wife’s is easy, it’s self-rising.

Did you know that saying “burger” backwards sounds a lot like Scooby Doo offering a leg message?

No matter how lazy you feel, remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap in the middle of a burglary.

Did you know that Darth Vader has a brother in prison? His name is Taxi Vader.

Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

I want to thank whoever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

They say bananas, clean out your Cohen, but apparently you have to eat them.

Why isn’t there a clock in the library? Because it tocks too much.

I asked the librarian where the self-help section is. She said, “If I tell you, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”

What’s the best way to keep milk from going sour? Leave it in the cow.

I got some new shoes, and every time I put them on, I start speaking with a dramatic monologue. Turns out, these boots were made for Walken.

Don’t be ashamed to fart when you pee. There’s no hard rain without thunder.

How do you know it’s Spring in Florida? When all the out of state licenses start to disappear.

I got arrested for stealing a set of encyclopedias. I turned to the officer and said “Look, I can explain everything.”

What is a couch potato’s favorite exercise? Diddly squats.

What is it called when you run up and down the street knocking down on the doors for exercise? Jehovah‘s fitness.

I was going to exercise today, but all I have is this rope. Maybe I’ll just skip it.

What do you call a man who has been attacked by a vicious cat? Clawed.

My arthritis is so bad, my doctor said it’s more like early onset rigor mortis.

The writers of 2001: A Space Odyssey picked the perfect name for the robot. It’s Hal…short for Hallucinations.

It’s funny how well the magic 8 ball predicted Microsoft’s products with its “Outlook not good” response.

What kind of car do cowboys secretly dream of buying? An Audi.

I’ve done a lot of illegal things, but graffiti is where I draw the line.

I hate when people go on about their phobias. I’m terrified of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion. I know that now.

I’m done chasing people who won’t do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go find someone else.

I took a bookie’s daughter out for dinner last night. I told her dad I would have her home at ten to one.

My neighbors just started legal action against someone who is spying on them. At least that’s what the trash in their bin says.

I spent all morning at the DMV trying to get a Real ID but I forgot to bring my mom’s umbilical cord and the Declaration of Independence.

My four-year-old was so excited to learn that her pet fish is magical and changes colors after every family vacation.

Sometimes chips and queso hits so good I can’t believe it’s an over-the-counter medication and you don’t even need a prescription.

I finally told my kids that Saint Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Before therapy, I hated everyone. After therapy, I am okay with hating everyone.

Free tip: always order two coffees so they it looks like your second donut is for someone else.

At some point after cavemen discovered fire, they discovered weed. And that’s how the stoned age began.

In Star Wars, who manages the treats for the rebel alliance? Admiral snack bar.

What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.

Do you know why aliens haven’t invaded earth yet? They turned around at Uranus because of the smell.