WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

What’s the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon? One is for eating tea and the other one is eating tables.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he had had access to Amazon Prime.

I just watched a pirate movie. On a scale of one to 10, I give it a 3.14.

This one time, a lawyer slipped on a banana on his way to court. He lost his case on a peel.

I told my wife I would go to all four corners of the Earth for her. Joke is on her because the Earth is round!

When my brother got sentenced to jail, he made a huge scene, threw stuff everywhere and yelled at everybody. I don’t think we’ll be inviting him to play Monopoly again anytime soon.

If you eat too many navy beans, you might receive a dishonorable discharge.

Interviews are just people trying to trick each other into thinking they’re normal.

Why don’t spies fart when they are in bed? Because it would blow their cover.

My house has a lot of stairs and they sure keep life interesting. They are either up to something or down for anything.

A couple times a month, I have this strange craving for meatloaf. It hits me like a bat out of hell.

Why don’t vampires like celebrating on New Year’s Eve? Because of the countdown.

How many times has Dracula wandered off by himself? I’ve lost count.

What happens when two friends have to make 1000 vampire figurines in one day? You make every second count.

How do geeks locate the bathroom in an unfamiliar place? They ask for the IP address.

Car and driver says 95% of electric cars are still on the road. The remaining 5% made it all the way home.

I once went to Vegas and I lost half my entire life savings in under an hour. To this day, I still avoid driving past that wedding chapel.

What does an athlete say to a flight attendant? “Put me in coach!”

I got out of the shower and asked my wife to close the curtains. She said “Don’t worry, if the neighbors see you, they will close their own curtains.”

It really annoys me when my wife eats her hamburger upside down. Why can’t she just sit in a chair like a normal person?

I’m going to open up a new restaurant and call it The Cow’s Knee. You guessed it - a burger joint.

If you eat a lot at Burger King, Dairy Queen, and Jack in the Box, you’ll probably end up with a royal flush.

If you like to go the extra mile at work, you probably shouldn’t be a taxi driver.

Why do pirates wear thermal underwear? To keep their booty warm.

What 7-letter word starts with egg and ends with soup? Chicken!

My wife just got cast in one of those Hallmark movies about a bakery. It’s not a big part, just a small roll.

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. That’s plane to sea.

Yesterday, I had a nightmare that my TikTok account was deleted. For a second there, I was really scared that I had a TikTok account.

I’ve reached that age where I really don’t care how I look in photos anymore. I just wanna look good in x-rays, scans, and test results.

One time an engineer tried to argue a red light ticket by providing some math formulas proving the yellow light was way too short. The city fined him with an arithmeticket.

What’s an accountant’s favorite war movie? Saving Pivot Ryan.

A penny found is worth more than a penny earned because a penny earned is taxed.

A farmer asked me to optimize his sheep-breeding database. I told him his computer just needs more ram.

Alphabet announced that they would invest $80 billion into AI. I bet the other 24 letters were really jealous.

Paleontologists have concluded that all the other prehistoric animals were horribly fearful of dinosaurs. Everything they find was petrified.

What do you call a dinosaur with perfect teeth? A flossaraptor.

Back in my day, eggs and toilet paper were so cheap that we would throw them at our friends’ homes just for fun.

My wife asked me if I wanted my eggs scrambled, grilled, or fried. I said I’m egg-gnostic.

What’s the first thing a golfer eats after a bad round? A wedge salad.

I used to wonder how Darth Vader ate with that mask on. Then I realized he’s probably force-fed.

Did you know that most trees are committed to one romantic relationship at a time? They practice mahogamy.

Due to the high cost of energy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

My password expired, so I entered “hi-hat”. It said the password cannot contain cymbals.

I hate dating apps. I’m going to start dating women instead.

The aorta is my favorite artery. It’s got a special place in my heart.

I’m doing a speed reading course, and last night I read Great Expectations in 15 seconds. It’s only two words, but hey, I’m still just a beginner.

My hamster just died. He fell asleep at the wheel.

One time while sitting next to me, my wife sent me a text seeing that my phone was on the kitchen counter. I got up and read the text: “Please bring chips on your way back.”

What is the best cheese ever made? GOAT cheese.

I just won an award for my unique ability to keep secrets. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

One time, a turtle was mugged by two snails. When the cops asked what happened, the turtle said “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Pilots are great at making quick decisions. They have to do everything on the fly.

Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a chocolate filling.

My doctor said I need to ensure I have a well-rounded diet. So I bought a dozen donuts.

If that donut shop really wanted us to run on Dunkin’, they’d sell some treadmills.

I bet barn owls were ecstatic to see humans come by and put up barns.

My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his "better half." I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the "lesser of two evils."

A bad day of hiking is still better than a good day at work. Unless you get eaten by a bear, then it’s a tie.

The price of gas is so high now that the mafia is doing walk by shootings.

My roommate says I’m schizophrenic, but the joke is on him. I don’t even have a roommate!

Someone made a website dedicated to Henry Winkler. They called it OnlyFonz.

I once took my wife with me for a round of golf. She said “You must be having an affair because there’s no way you spend so much money and time on something and can be so bad at it.”

My friend invented a golf ball that uses GPS to roll in the hole. He said “Just make sure not to put it in your back pocket.”

Parenthood turns you into a morning person kind of the way being chased by a bear turns you into a runner.

In queso emergency, make sure you call Nine-Juan-Juan.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The biggest problem with the gene pool is that there doesn’t seem to be a lifeguard.

What do an electrician and a mortician have in common? They are both shocked when they find a live one.

Remember, if you can’t say something nice, at least make it really funny.

I told the nurse I was scared of needles and asked if she could give me my vaccine with the lights off. She said “Yes, but that would be a shot in the dark.”

Why do so many tech support places have a basketball hoop in the parking lot? So the employees won’t have trouble shooting.

How do you know if you’re buying a good pair of high-tech glasses? The specs are clear.

When her computer wasn’t working, I told my grandma to reboot it. She took it to the shoe repair store. And it wasn’t even the first time they had seen that.

Did you know there’s a website for people who are a little too obsessed with vampires? It’s called OnlyFangs.

What sound did a bird make when it landed on a DollarTree? Cheap cheap! Cheap cheap!

Do you know why I got kicked out of the coffee club? Because I wore a T-shirt.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “Where the hell is my roof”?

Can anyone tell me why the word phonetically doesn’t start with an F? Kind of defeats the purpose.

When people ask me if I slept well, I tell them “No, I think I made a couple mistakes.”

Scientists working around the clock, have decided to move the clock out of the way.

Life hack: answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air”, and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

You don’t need to hire a dominatrix to boss you around. Just get married and fold the towels wrong.

If you were ever bored at work, just type up someone else’s resignation letter, and leave it there on the printer.

Do you know how many people died on the Titanic? I heard it was a boat load.

Why did the frog take the bus to work? Because he got toad.

Whenever I feel insecure around pretty girls, I reach into my pocket to grab a tiny rock. Then I feel a little boulder.

I heard that the crime rate is much lower on Mother’s Day. I guess it’s because all those moms realize they can’t get away with it that day.

Monday is a terrible way to spend one seventh of your life.

If I say good night and an hour later, you see me online, it’s not that I lied, it’s that I failed.

What’s the most commonly used computer language? Profanity.

Why do riot police like to get up so early in the morning? Because they like to beat the crowd.

The city’s dinosaur museum is trying to hire some people for the Tyrannosaurus rex exhibit. Apparently they are shorthanded.

Long pressing the power button to shut down your laptop, feels like choking a person to death with a pillow.

What kind of jeans do ghosts wear? A pair of normal ones.

My son asked me why parents count to three. Because 2 is hope and 3 is paperwork.

A bus of Elvis impersonators got in a crash on the way to Graceland. No one was injured, but they were all shook up.

The check engine light lit up on my car’s dashboard and my son asked what it mean. I told him that’s just the car asking for attention.

You can make cleaning weirdly fun and effective by pretending that you’re erasing the evidence of a murder.

Why are giraffes considered such snobby animals? Because they’re always looking down on everyone.