WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| A man walked into the bank with a branch, held it high, and said to the teller “This is a stick up.” |   (1) |
| Banks, Crime | 11/1/2025 |
| My wife can’t decide which type of mattress to buy. I guess we’ll have to sleep on it. | (0) |
| Shopping, Sleep | 11/1/2025 |
| Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he. | (0) |
| Hearing | 11/1/2025 |
| Karate is just an aggressive way of making people smell your feet. | (1) |
| Feet, Karate | 11/1/2025 |
| The idea that you could use one word from a movie and people would instantly know what you are talking about is…Inconceivable! | (0) |
| Movies | 11/1/2025 |
| I just realized my emergency contact is my husband who can never find his wallet, doesn’t know his doctor’s name, and ignores unknown calls. Yeah, let’s call him. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| There’s a new GPS built just for seniors. Not only does it tell you how to get there, but also why you wanted to go in the first place. | (0) |
| Age, GPS | 11/1/2025 |
| I went to the pawn shop yesterday to get some cash to pay my bills. They gave me $4,500 and didn’t even take the gun! | (0) |
| Money, Pawnshops | 11/1/2025 |
| A stoner goes into a pawn shop and asks to buy a TV. The owner says “I don’t sell to stoners, get out!” The stoner says “Why do you think I’m a stoner?” The owner says “Because that’s a microwave.” | (0) |
| Pawnshops, Stoners | 11/1/2025 |
| Do you know how many feet are in a yard? About 50 last night at the barbecue. | (0) |
| Feet | 11/1/2025 |
| We’ve had a mouse problem, so I sprayed WD-40 everywhere. I didn’t get rid of them, but at least the squeaking has stopped. | (0) |
| Mice, Squeaks | 11/1/2025 |
| What has a bunch of white balls and drives old women crazy? Bingo. | (0) |
| Bingo | 11/1/2025 |
| When I forget to make a cup of coffee in the morning, you know there’s trouble brewing. | (0) |
| Coffee | 11/1/2025 |
| What’s the best part about Halloween for lazy people? The cobwebs just become decorations. | (0) |
| Halloween | 11/1/2025 |
| Scientists have discovered that boiling water kills some types of Cancers. They’re hoping the same thing can work on Leos and Virgos. | (0) |
| Astrology | 11/1/2025 |
| I heard that a gang stole an entire truck load of Red Bull. How can they sleep at night? | (0) |
| Criminals, Drinks | 11/1/2025 |
| My girlfriend is a perfect 10, if you take the absolute value. Without that, she’s negative, imaginary, and quite complex. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| I tried on the Harry Potter sorting hat, and it placed me in the Waffle House. | (0) |
| Harry Potter, Waffle House | 11/1/2025 |
| What do you call a mafia member in a submarine? In too deep. | (0) |
| Mafia, Submarine | 11/1/2025 |
| I asked my friend why he decided not to be a farmer anymore, and he said, “I think I chose the wrong field.” | (0) |
| Farmers | 11/1/2025 |
| Why is Mario so popular after he eats a mushroom? Because it makes him a fungi. | (0) |
| Mario, Mushrooms | 11/1/2025 |
| Costco cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?” Me unloading a full cart: “First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this.” | (0) |
| Shopping | 11/1/2025 |
| What happened when the cannibal got frustrated? He threw up his hands. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 11/1/2025 |
| Vampires are the fastest growing demographic group. There’s a sucker born every minute. | (0) |
| Vampires | 11/1/2025 |
| What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons? You dill with it. | (0) |
| Food, Pickles | 11/1/2025 |
| Husband: I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my grandmother. Wife: Why does it say “do not resuscitate? | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| Despite all the warnings, I put all my eggs in one basket. Made my grocery shopping trip SO much easier. | (0) |
| Shopping | 11/1/2025 |
| I just used my CVS receipt to wrap my son like a mummy for Halloween. You can also scan him for $2 off of Advil. | (0) |
| Halloween, Receipts | 11/1/2025 |
| My shepherd friend is mad at me because I talked smack about his sheep. I told him I think it’s a ewe issue. | (0) |
| Animals, Sheep | 11/1/2025 |
| I’ve had the same job at SpaceX for over 10 years. I kind of thought there would be more upward mobility. | (0) |
| Space, Work | 11/1/2025 |
| Halloween is a creepy holiday, but not in the way you think. You get free candy from strangers. | (0) |
| Halloween | 11/1/2025 |
| I just learned that my friend is colorblind. That news came totally out of the purple. | (0) |
| Colors | 11/1/2025 |
| Conjunctivitis.com. Now there’s a site for sore eyes! | (0) |
| Eyes, Websites | 11/1/2025 |
| If you give a man a fish, you can feed him for a day. If you feed a man to fish, you can feed them for like six months! | (0) |
| Animals, Fish | 11/1/2025 |
| Maturing in marriage is realizing no couple actually cuddles to fall asleep. They say goodnight, roll over, one goes into a coma and farts all night while the other scrolls their phone until their eyes go blurry. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll unwind. | (0) |
| Halloween, Mummies | 11/1/2025 |
| Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Because the stake was killing him. | (0) |
| Vampires | 11/1/2025 |
| Why do ghosts speak Latin? Because it’s a dead language. | (0) |
| Ghosts, Language | 11/1/2025 |
| I just bought some anti-gloating lotion. I can’t wait to rub it in. | (0) |
| Lotion | 11/1/2025 |
| My son came home from the doctor and said now he’s 6 feet. I said “Well, I’m only buying you two shoes, so you’ll have to buy the rest.” | (0) |
| Feet, Height | 11/1/2025 |
| My buddy Phillip had his upper lip removed last week. Now, we just call him Phil. | (0) |
| Names | 11/1/2025 |
| if each day really is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays. | (0) |
| Days, Work | 11/1/2025 |
| What’s the difference between a banjo and a hand grenade? Nothing. By the time you hear it, it’s too late. | (0) |
| Noise | 11/1/2025 |
| If you go to jail for tax evasion, you’ll be living off of taxes for not paying taxes. | (0) |
| Taxes | 11/1/2025 |
| Why does the band U2 struggle to use Excel? Because their sheets have no names. | (0) |
| Excel, Music | 11/1/2025 |
| I aced my zombie history exam! It was a no-brainer! | (0) |
| brains, Zombies | 11/1/2025 |
| God told Adam that a companion would cost him an arm and a leg. So Adam asked what he could get for just a rib. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| What do you call someone who learns how to draw while in prison? A con artist. | (0) |
| Artists, Criminals | 11/1/2025 |
| You know it goes really well with ladyfingers? Mentos. | (0) |
| Fingers, Food, Toes | 11/1/2025 |
| Adults having breakfast at a friend’s apartment every day before heading off to work is the biggest lie TV told me. | (0) |
| Friends, Television | 11/1/2025 |
| What do you call a werewolf that doesn’t know they are a werewolf? An unaware wolf. | (0) |
| Werewolves | 11/1/2025 |
| Do you know what always gives me goosebumps? A vicious flock of geese. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Geese | 11/1/2025 |
| What kind of musician is the most organized? A pianist. | (0) |
| Music | 11/1/2025 |
| What is a skeleton‘s favorite type of road? A dead end. | (0) |
| Skeletons | 10/18/2025 |
| What do you call a dealer that sleeps with a kilo of cocaine under his pillow? A drug snuggler. | (0) |
| Drugs | 10/18/2025 |
| What do you call an all-female orchestra that only performs online? A broadband. | (0) |
| Internet, Music, Women | 10/18/2025 |
| A raven has 17 pinion primary wing feathers while a crow has only 16. So the difference in a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion. | (0) |
| Birds, Crows, Ravens | 10/18/2025 |
| What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter. | (0) |
| Diets, Food | 10/18/2025 |
| My wife asked me if I heard about all the striking Starbucks workers. I told her, “That’s weird. All I’ve ever seen is ugly ones.” | (0) |
| Beauty, Starbucks, Work | 10/18/2025 |
| How do you know if a job applicant is Christian? Check out their cross-references. | (0) |
| Christians | 10/18/2025 |
| My favorite part of a drug commercial is when it tells me not to take it if I’m allergic to it. | (0) |
| Allergies, Drugs | 10/18/2025 |
| On Halloween, we dress up as skeletons. Every other day, our skeletons dress up as us. | (0) |
| Halloween, Skeletons | 10/18/2025 |
| If you run into someone you know and they say “We should hang out sometime,” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic. | (0) |
| Friends | 10/18/2025 |
| If you’re like me, you make grilled cheese by burning one side and nervously under cooking the other side. | (0) |
| Food, Grilled cheese | 10/18/2025 |
| Have you ever heard of in-cider trading? It’s where you buy and sell stocks while sitting in a tub full of apple juice. | (0) |
| Juice, Stocks | 10/18/2025 |
| If you think it’s weird when people have two dads, just remember that all of America had four fathers. | (0) |
| Family, Parents | 10/18/2025 |
| I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay. His bail was set really high. | (0) |
| Criminals, Hay | 10/18/2025 |
| Nothing is really lost until your wife can’t find it. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out with friends. I didn’t whine and complain, I just played Tubthumping on repeat on the bar jukebox with the TouchTunes app. | (0) |
| Music, Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| I am met a beautiful woman last night and really felt a spark between us. Turns out it was just the taser. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!” I yelled back “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| Getting a job in a paperless office is great…until you have to go to the bathroom. | (1) |
| Paper, Work | 10/18/2025 |
| Things I don’t understand: why drive-up ATMs have braille instructions. | (0) |
| Braille, Cars | 10/18/2025 |
| Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch an episode of Hoarders and tell myself my house isn’t dirty at all. | (0) |
| Cleaning | 10/18/2025 |
| What happens when your dog eats your favorite piece of jewelry? You get a diamond in the ruff. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Jewelry | 10/18/2025 |
| My nephew was too timid to Google the word “testicle” on his school computer. So I told him to use private mode. | (0) |
| Anatomy, Internet | 10/18/2025 |
| What kind of lullaby do you sing to a baby astronaut? A nap tune. | (0) |
| Lullabies, Planets | 10/18/2025 |
| If you donate a kidney, you're a hero. If you donate three kidneys, suddenly the police are involved. | (0) |
| Crime, Kidneys | 10/18/2025 |
| My girlfriend said if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me. It’s a wife or death situation. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| Anyone who says “Actions speak louder than words” has clearly never tried sign language before. | (0) |
| Sign language | 10/18/2025 |
| If someone from Ziploc could contact literally anyone in the cereal business, that would be great. | (0) |
| Bags, Cereal | 10/18/2025 |
| Don’t play poker at the laundromat. You’ll always end up folding. | (0) |
| Laundry, Poker | 10/18/2025 |
| In IT, my job is mostly fixing problems I didn’t cause, with resources I don’t have, for people who make twice as much as I do. | (0) |
| Technology, Work | 10/18/2025 |
| My dad said to be successful, I should step out of my comfort zone. So I turned the thermostat up to 75°. | (0) |
| Comfort | 10/18/2025 |
| Do you know why so many people flunk out of magician school? Because of all the trick questions. | (0) |
| Magic | 10/18/2025 |
| My wife said we need to cut back on our vacation spending, so I went on vacation without her and saved 50%. | (0) |
| Money, Relationships | 10/18/2025 |
| What do they call the vampire costume on Temu? Discount Dracula. | (0) |
| Vampires | 10/18/2025 |
| You might be surprised to know that I studied dad jokes in college. I majored in Sigh-cology. | (0) |
| College | 10/18/2025 |
| My intern was born in 2007. I have emails older than that. | (0) |
| Age, Work | 10/18/2025 |
| How do you spot Cruella Deville at a science convention? She’s the one in the lab coat. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 10/18/2025 |
| What do you call a zombie with no sense of humor? Dead serious. | (0) |
| Zombies | 10/18/2025 |
| When my kids are older and I go over to their house, right before I leave, I’m going to get out the toaster and the blender and leave them out as my form of payback. | (0) |
| Children | 10/18/2025 |
| My wife said my snoring is really starting to scare her. Especially when I’m driving. | (0) |
| Driving, Snoring | 10/18/2025 |
| Why is it so hard to rob a blood bank? Because you always get caught red-handed. | (0) |
| Blood | 10/18/2025 |
| Since people only kill the spiders we see, we’re acting as agents of natural selection. We are making spiders smarter. | (0) |
| Animals, Spiders | 10/18/2025 |
| I always have a clean conscience. Probably because I haven’t used it yet. | (0) |
| Concscience | 10/18/2025 |
| My friend always carries around a big box of pencils with him. I think he just likes to draw attention. | (0) |
| Pencils | 10/18/2025 |
| What do you call a witch who has mastered all of her spells? A hexpert. | (0) |
| Witches | 10/18/2025 |
| You know what’s a real eye-opener? Waking up every morning to a window facing east. | (0) |
| Eyes, Sleep | 10/18/2025 |
| My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably. I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to a server. | (0) |
| IT, Relationships, Work | 10/18/2025 |
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