WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| What do you call a zombie that cooks stir fries? Dead man woking. |   (1) |
| Zombies | 3/13/2026 |
| What do you name a puppy that’s training to be a bomb detector? Snoop Dogg! | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 3/13/2026 |
| I started whispering at home and my wife asked why. I told her I didn’t want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. She laughed, I laughed, then Siri and Alexa laughed too. | (0) |
| AI, Big brother | 3/13/2026 |
| Shout out to the people who still remember their childhood landline phone number, but can’t remember the password they just set five days ago. | (0) |
| Memory, Passwords | 3/13/2026 |
| I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. You all just happen to be there. | (0) |
| Humor | 3/13/2026 |
| Why did we have to stop show and tell in third grade? I finally got cool stuff now. | (0) |
| Adults, Children, Toys | 3/13/2026 |
| What kind of keys can unlock a banana? Monkeys. | (0) |
| Animals, Monkeys | 3/13/2026 |
| You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could cut out the middleman, throw away the plate of food, and squirt ketchup all over the dog. | (0) |
| Food, Parenting | 3/13/2026 |
| I’m going to take up coin collecting. I think the change will do me some good. | (0) |
| Change, Coins | 3/13/2026 |
| My friend got mad at me when I accidentally dented ripped out the last pages of his Bible. I said, dude, it’s not like it’s the end of the world! | (0) |
| Bibles | 3/13/2026 |
| I just heard about a new movie where zombies attack nursing home. It’s called Night of the Assisted Living Dead. | (0) |
| Zombies | 3/13/2026 |
| I changed my alarm clock alert to hand clapping sounds so I can get the recognition. I deserve for waking up early every morning. | (0) |
| Alarms | 3/13/2026 |
| “See you around”…is not the best way to say goodbye to someone struggling with their weight. I know that now. | (0) |
| Weight | 3/13/2026 |
| I don’t have a problem if you’re trans. I don’t have a problem if you’re fat. But if you are trans-fat, I am going to avoid you. | (0) |
| Food | 3/13/2026 |
| Life is like a box of chocolates. It won’t last long if you eat the whole thing by yourself every time. | (0) |
| Chocolate, Food | 3/13/2026 |
| I keep finding old cables at home that I know I’ll never use but my brain keeps saying “Better keep it, someone might show up with a Nokia N95 and need to connect it to a fax machine.” | (0) |
| Cables | 3/13/2026 |
| I bet you would be really motivated if the weight you lost went to someone you didn’t like. | (0) |
| Weight | 3/13/2026 |
| I finally learned about Lyme disease in my medicine class. Now I can tick that off my list. | (0) |
| Ticks | 3/13/2026 |
| A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that in my child’s school concert. | (0) |
| Farts, Music | 3/13/2026 |
| Who came up with a brilliant idea of moving clocks forward on the weekend, in the middle of the night. What’s wrong with 4 PM on a Friday? | (0) |
| Clocks, Time | 3/13/2026 |
| When the king farts, why does nobody laugh? Because Noble gases should not cause any reaction. | (0) |
| Farts, Royalty | 3/13/2026 |
| What is a cannibal‘s favorite type of dessert? Handshakes! | (0) |
| Cannibals, Food | 3/13/2026 |
| Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open? | (0) |
| Packaging | 3/13/2026 |
| I set my sleep number bed to Pi, and now I have a round bed. | (0) |
| Beds, Math | 3/13/2026 |
| That hour we lost from staring daylight savings was the one I was going to use to get my life together. | (0) |
| Life, Time | 3/13/2026 |
| If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car, you must be in a whole different tax bracket. | (0) |
| Napkins | 3/13/2026 |
| If you thought you hated homework as a kid, trust me, you’ll hate it so much more as a parent. | (0) |
| Homework, Parenting | 3/13/2026 |
| I think I turned out okay for a kid that was raised partially by Bugs Bunny and Garfield. | (0) |
| Cartoons, Parenting | 3/13/2026 |
| Joke’s on you daylight savings time, I’m fine with an hour less of this freak show. | (0) |
| Time | 3/13/2026 |
| Losing an hour of sleep due to starting daylight savings time on International Women’s Day is the ultimate twist of irony. | (0) |
| Dates | 3/13/2026 |
| What kind of vehicle bounces up and down every few seconds? A hiccup truck. | (0) |
| Trucks | 3/13/2026 |
| What kind of web designer doesn’t mind bugs? A spider! | (0) |
| Spiders, Websites | 3/13/2026 |
| I don’t understand why you can’t give away a used mattress but somehow they want us to pay $300 a night to sleep on one at a hotel. | (0) |
| Hotels, Mattresses | 3/13/2026 |
| I’m still deathly afraid of little dogs because when I was growing up, my parents let me watch Kujo on a 9 inch television. | (0) |
| Dogs | 3/13/2026 |
| When you say you don't drink, everyone insists you have one. When you say you don't eat meat, everyone tries to feed you steak. But say you're broke...and suddenly no one offers anything. | (0) |
| Friends | 3/13/2026 |
| I shared my dessert with two pigeons at the park today. It turns out you can fill two birds with one scone. | (0) |
| Birds, Dessert | 3/13/2026 |
| What do you call someone who can’t stick to a no sugar diet? A desserter. | (0) |
| Diets, Food | 3/13/2026 |
| If Missouri and Mississippi swapped clothes, what would Delaware? I don’t know, but Alaska. Turns out it’s a New Jersey. | (0) |
| Names, States | 3/13/2026 |
| Why did the fish cross the sea? To get to the other tide. | (0) |
| Fish | 3/13/2026 |
| This one time, I went to a beauty pageant that was a part of the circus. It was pretty intense. | (0) |
| Beauty pageants, Circus | 3/13/2026 |
| Which day creates the most green energy? Wednesday. | (0) |
| Days, Energy | 3/13/2026 |
| Once when he was little, Chuck Norris‘s mother called him Chucky. But only once. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 3/13/2026 |
| Chuck Norris once farted in the Sahara Forest. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 3/13/2026 |
| Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who just turned 86 years old. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “still kicking”. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 3/13/2026 |
| I felt kinda bad for yelling at my kids today but then remembered some animals eat their children, so honestly I think I'm doing okay. | (0) |
| Parenting | 3/13/2026 |
| I'm jealous of toddlers and their lack of social norms. Imagine seeing someone you don't want to talk to, and the second they open their mouth, you just scream "no" in their face and run away. | (0) |
| Toddlers | 3/13/2026 |
| What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A round house. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 3/13/2026 |
| You know gas prices are ridiculous when the guy in the lifted truck isn’t revving his engine at Walmart during mating season. | (0) |
| Gas, Trucks | 3/13/2026 |
| Plants out in nature survive storms, droughts, and wild animals. My houseplants decide to die if I water them at 3:12 instead of 3:00. | (0) |
| Plants | 3/13/2026 |
| They just opened a new library on the beach, it’s called the Title Wave. | (0) |
| Beach, Books | 3/13/2026 |
| Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we should never have legalized marijuana. | (0) |
| Drugs, Fast food | 3/13/2026 |
| l asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. Next morning, she rang and said to me, "What are you doing with your life?" | (0) |
| Life | 3/13/2026 |
| I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore. | (0) |
| Time | 3/13/2026 |
| Did you ever think that maybe we’re out here living the most difficult part of someone’s 2075 history test? | (0) |
| History, School | 3/13/2026 |
| My diet called for two eggs this morning. It didn’t specify, so I’m going with Cadbury. | (0) |
| Diets, Eggs | 3/13/2026 |
| What wears a small pointy hat and keeps the subway music moving along? A Metro gnome. | (0) |
| Music, Subway | 3/13/2026 |
| How does The Rock go to the bathroom? He Dwaynes his Johnson. | (0) |
| Dwayne Johnson, Rock | 3/13/2026 |
| My life coach just told me I didn’t make the team. | (0) |
| Life, Sports | 2/28/2026 |
| Kids today are so soft. I died once when I was five, and my mom made me walk it off. | (0) |
| Children | 2/28/2026 |
| I went to a faith healer last night. He was so awful, even the guy in the wheelchair stood up and walked out. | (0) |
| Healing | 2/28/2026 |
| Do you know the purpose of a big toe? It’s so that you can find furniture in the dark at 5 AM. | (0) |
| Toes | 2/28/2026 |
| Do you want to know my favorite politically incorrect joke? Benjamin Franklin was the greatest president. | (1) |
| Presidents | 2/28/2026 |
| What do Jesus, Columbus, Lincoln, Washington, and Martin Luther King Jr. have in common? They were all born on holidays. | (0) |
| Holidays | 2/28/2026 |
| Some people can’t relax until they do chores. And some people can’t do chores until they relax. Then they marry each other. | (0) |
| Chores, Relationships | 2/28/2026 |
| What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine? A quarterback. | (0) |
| Football, Sports | 2/28/2026 |
| In college, they called me the love machine. I think it’s because I was so bad at tennis. | (0) |
| Tennis | 2/28/2026 |
| Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided I’m just having an ongoing crisis. | (0) |
| Aging | 2/28/2026 |
| Some things are better left unsaid. Which I usually realize right after I say them. | (0) |
| Communication, Thinking | 2/28/2026 |
| We should have illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship. We could call it Aliens vs. Predators. | (0) |
| Immigration, Offenders | 2/28/2026 |
| I’m either multitasking five different things, or staring at a blank wall. There is no in between. | (0) |
| Work | 2/28/2026 |
| Getting old really sucks. This morning I blacked out for 20 minutes before I realized that I put my hoodie on backwards. | (0) |
| Aging | 2/28/2026 |
| Being a parent is wild because no matter how tired you are…too bad. | (0) |
| Parenting | 2/28/2026 |
| What do you call a girl who spends a lot of time at the library? Paige. | (0) |
| Names | 2/28/2026 |
| I was going to make a curling joke, but I didn’t have the stones to do it. | (0) |
| Curling, Olympics | 2/28/2026 |
| Geometry is silly to me…what do you mean “prove it’s a triangle” - just look at it! | (0) |
| Math | 2/28/2026 |
| Serious question for those who drink their coffee black: do you also sleep on a cactus or is coffee the only area of your life that you like being miserable? | (0) |
| Coffee | 2/28/2026 |
| When people ask me how much faith I have in a human race, I tell them I look both ways at a roundabout. | (0) |
| Driving, Intelligence, People | 2/28/2026 |
| Humans: if I approach you and initiate a conversation with your dog, there is no need to involve yourself. If I wanted to talk to you, I would. | (0) |
| Dogs, Humans | 2/28/2026 |
| I’m not saying Darth Vader choking people that annoyed him was right, I’m just saying I understand. | (0) |
| Star Wars | 2/28/2026 |
| I heard our local weatherman, fell off a horse, breaking both his legs and both his arms. I tuned in just to see the four casts. | (0) |
| Weather | 2/28/2026 |
| A local bread factory caught on fire. Now everything is toast. | (0) |
| Bread, Food | 2/28/2026 |
| While on vacation, I got kicked out of a casino. Totally misunderstood the purpose of a craps table. | (0) |
| Casinos | 2/28/2026 |
| You should appreciate people do gossip without you. It’s not easy for someone to set aside their own problems just to focus on yours. | (0) |
| Gossip | 2/28/2026 |
| A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he’s part Irish, part German, and a tadpole. | (0) |
| Animals, Frogs | 2/28/2026 |
| Why is it so hard to break an addiction to stairs? Because all of the recovery programs have 12 steps. | (0) |
| Addiction, Stairs | 2/28/2026 |
| What do algebra teachers call retirement? The aftermath. | (0) |
| Math, Retirement, School | 2/28/2026 |
| I’m trying to think of a good underwear, joke, but I don’t have any clean ones. | (0) |
| Clothes, Underwear | 2/28/2026 |
| Spoiler alert: I just added an aerodynamic wing to the back of my car. | (0) |
| Cars | 2/28/2026 |
| Not sure who needs to hear this, but you did hold the flashlight right. Your dad was just made that he couldn’t figure out how to fix whatever that problem was. | (0) |
| Parenting | 2/28/2026 |
| I put a pair of jeans on today. Now my kids won’t stop following me around asking me where we’re going. | (0) |
| Clothes, Parenting | 2/28/2026 |
| I told AI that I need to wash my car and asked whether I should walk or drive the car. It’s 100m away. AI said I should walk because it’s better for the environment. | (0) |
| AI, Cars | 2/28/2026 |
| Imagine being rich enough that you don’t have to watch YouTube videos every time something breaks in your house! | (0) |
| Money, Wealth | 2/28/2026 |
| My friend said she can smell fresh Indian bread from a mile away. I told her that’s nonsense. | (0) |
| Bread, Smells | 2/28/2026 |
| A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver replies “You have a drink named Phillip?” | (0) |
| Bars, Drinks, Tools | 2/28/2026 |
| A fun fact about CostCo is they require every manufacturer to include one flavor that nobody likes in their giant variety pack. This is to keep customers humble. | (0) |
| CostCo | 2/28/2026 |
| What do you call a person with absolutely no money? A nillionaire. | (0) |
| Money | 2/28/2026 |
| If you’re planning on taking a break from social media, don’t announce it. Just make your last post something funny like “I wonder if there’s a bear in this cave?!?” | (0) |
| Social media | 2/28/2026 |
| Yesterday, my coworker looked at me and said “Could you be more annoying?” So today I wore tap shoes, because I take challenges seriously. | (0) |
| Work | 2/28/2026 |
| When Ken fires up the grill, all the ladies line up. It’s the Barbie queue. | (0) |
| Barbie, Grilling | 2/28/2026 |
| What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. | (0) |
| Animals, Pigs | 2/28/2026 |
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