WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| Where do meteorologists keep all of their forecasts? In the cloud. |   (0) |
| Weather | 11/16/2025 |
| I got stopped by a cop and he said “Papers?” I said “Scissors, I win!” Then I left. I think bro wants a rematch though, he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes! | (0) |
| Police | 11/16/2025 |
| I knew my psychic was no good the minute she accepted my check. | (0) |
| Money, Psychics | 11/16/2025 |
| Hollywood hasn’t made a new Spider-Man movie in a couple of weeks, I hope they’re okay. | (0) |
| Movies | 11/16/2025 |
| How do taxi shells survive factories, delivery trucks, store shelves, and shopping bags, but crumble the moment you put something inside them? | (0) |
| Food, Tacos | 11/16/2025 |
| If you want to take a 30+ minute nap while the kids are at home, tell them to “Make sure to wake you up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house together.” | (0) |
| Children | 11/16/2025 |
| We live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough. | (0) |
| Dictionaries | 11/16/2025 |
| Do you know who Santa‘s favorite musician is? Elvis! | (0) |
| Elvis, Santa | 11/16/2025 |
| My wife gave me an envelope marked do not open until January 1 of next year. Inside was a list of reasons I cannot follow instructions. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/16/2025 |
| What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese. | (0) |
| Cheese, Cows, Food, Smurfs | 11/16/2025 |
| Did you hear what happened when Trump placed levies on all the penguins being imported into the local zoo? They were terrified. | (0) |
| Animals, Penguins | 11/16/2025 |
| What’s the difference between Iron Man and iron Woman? One is a superhero, and the other is a sexist command. | (0) |
| Chores, Superheroes | 11/16/2025 |
| Fun free things to do: sit around in a Wal-Mart parking lot watching someone wander around trying to find her car. Every time she clicks her remote I give a little honk. Pure chaos. | (0) |
| Wal-Mart | 11/16/2025 |
| At this point, if I get picked up by aliens, I’m going to consider it a rescue mission and not an abduction. | (0) |
| Aliens | 11/16/2025 |
| My friends refuse to do karaoke with me. I always have to duet alone. | (0) |
| Karaoke | 11/16/2025 |
| My dog has a history of refusing to go on walks. It's his path of leash resistance. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 11/16/2025 |
| My dad used to work 16 hour days just to put food on the table. He was a loving father, but a terrible cook. | (0) |
| Food, Work | 11/16/2025 |
| I know a bunch of good jokes in sign language. I guarantee you nobody has ever heard them. | (0) |
| Hearing, Language | 11/16/2025 |
| Kids keep talking about 6-7, but wait until they learn about 9-5. | (1) |
| Numbers, Work | 11/16/2025 |
| My friend is a surgeon and he keeps a meticulous list of all of the heart, liver, and kidney transplants he’s done. He is so organized. | (0) |
| Doctors, Organs | 11/16/2025 |
| How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will just tell you how bright it used to be back in the day. | (0) |
| Generations, Light bulbs | 11/16/2025 |
| It’s really sad how Wile E Coyote was mostly remembered for his violence, but never for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. | (0) |
| Cartoons | 11/16/2025 |
| How much money does a skunk have? Just one stinking scent. | (0) |
| Animals, Money, Skunks | 11/16/2025 |
| I just read a fascinating book about anti-gravity. It had me up all night. | (0) |
| Books, Gravity | 11/16/2025 |
| In my will, among other things, I’m leaving my children my filing cabinet full of warranties for appliances we no longer own. | (0) |
| Children | 11/16/2025 |
| Where is a great place for ladies to get pampered and hammered? At the nail bar. | (0) |
| Salons | 11/16/2025 |
| Do you know what dyslexic zombies eat? Brians. | (1) |
| Zombies | 11/16/2025 |
| I wonder what it was like in that awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Milk | 11/16/2025 |
| It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid, but I didn’t think the situation was this dire. | (0) |
| Intelligence | 11/16/2025 |
| My doctor said I have good news and bad news. The good news is you have the body of a 25-year-old. The bad news is it’s also a Volkswagen. | (0) |
| Health | 11/16/2025 |
| Family gathering pro tip: Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler. It might look like a cookie or piece of candy, but it's actually the flu. | (0) |
| Family, Food | 11/16/2025 |
| The easiest way to save something as a PDF is to lie to your computer and pretend you’re about to print it. | (0) |
| Computers, Printers | 11/16/2025 |
| It’s so cold outside that my plumber just pulled up his pants. | (0) |
| Plumbers, Weather | 11/16/2025 |
| Why didn’t the 2x4 have anything for dinner? He already eight. | (0) |
| Food, Wood | 11/16/2025 |
| 90% of what I worry about never happens. Therefore, I conclude that worrying works. | (0) |
| Worrying | 11/16/2025 |
| If you go straight from Halloween to Christmas without properly acknowledging Thanksgiving, your mac and cheese will turn out dry and bland. | (0) |
| Holidays | 11/16/2025 |
| I finally figured out what a competitive salary means. It means the salary will be competing against bills. | (0) |
| Money, Work | 11/16/2025 |
| How does a mouse floss his teeth? With string cheese. | (0) |
| Animals, Cheese, Mice | 11/16/2025 |
| Saw a cable repair guy on the street today. He asked if I knew the time. I told him it was between 8am and 1pm. | (0) |
| Cable, Time | 11/16/2025 |
| Those horse-shaped chess pieces always seem to give me knight mares. | (0) |
| Chess | 11/16/2025 |
| Why did the turkey join the band? Because they needed drumsticks. | (0) |
| Animals, Turkeys | 11/16/2025 |
| A new Italian perfume was just launched after 10 years of development. Apparently aroma wasn’t built in a day. | (0) |
| Perfume | 11/16/2025 |
| When you fart, it could be silent, loud, or the turd option. | (0) |
| Farts | 11/16/2025 |
| To whoever stole my giant clock, you owe me big time. | (0) |
| Clocks, Time | 11/16/2025 |
| I’ve got a sense of humor, a dirty mind, and a beautiful heart. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Betty White. | (0) |
| Personalities | 11/16/2025 |
| If you use Google sheets instead of Excel, you’re nothing more than a spread cheater. | (0) |
| Excel, Spreadsheets | 11/16/2025 |
| If a guy over-explains something, it’s called mansplaining. When a woman does it, is that a broad overview? | (0) |
| Communication, Relationships | 11/16/2025 |
| Why did the cat cross the road? Because the chicken had a laser pointer. | (0) |
| Animals, Cats, Chickens | 11/16/2025 |
| I like to play chess with my wife, but she seems really distracted. Apparently she just wants to mate. | (0) |
| Chess, Relationships | 11/16/2025 |
| Things you’ll find on a wine glass at my house: “I heard what you did for a Klondike bar!” | (0) |
| Alcohol | 11/16/2025 |
| I really dislike when the Taco Bell drive-through asks me how I’m doing. Like, hello, I’m here. Clearly things aren’t amazing. | (0) |
| Taco Bell | 11/16/2025 |
| I just cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a Windows 95 recovery disc. | (0) |
| Computers | 11/16/2025 |
| I didn’t mean to press all your buttons, I was just trying to find mute. | (0) |
| Buttons | 11/16/2025 |
| Scientists combined the DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab. Things went sideways really fast. | (0) |
| Animals, Genetics | 11/16/2025 |
| Why is Yoda such a good gardener? Because he has two green thumbs. | (0) |
| Gardening, Star Wars | 11/16/2025 |
| A man walked into the bank with a branch, held it high, and said to the teller “This is a stick up.” | (1) |
| Banks, Crime | 11/1/2025 |
| My wife can’t decide which type of mattress to buy. I guess we’ll have to sleep on it. | (0) |
| Shopping, Sleep | 11/1/2025 |
| Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he. | (0) |
| Hearing | 11/1/2025 |
| Karate is just an aggressive way of making people smell your feet. | (1) |
| Feet, Karate | 11/1/2025 |
| The idea that you could use one word from a movie and people would instantly know what you are talking about is…Inconceivable! | (0) |
| Movies | 11/1/2025 |
| I just realized my emergency contact is my husband who can never find his wallet, doesn’t know his doctor’s name, and ignores unknown calls. Yeah, let’s call him. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| There’s a new GPS built just for seniors. Not only does it tell you how to get there, but also why you wanted to go in the first place. | (0) |
| Age, GPS | 11/1/2025 |
| I went to the pawn shop yesterday to get some cash to pay my bills. They gave me $4,500 and didn’t even take the gun! | (0) |
| Money, Pawnshops | 11/1/2025 |
| A stoner goes into a pawn shop and asks to buy a TV. The owner says “I don’t sell to stoners, get out!” The stoner says “Why do you think I’m a stoner?” The owner says “Because that’s a microwave.” | (0) |
| Pawnshops, Stoners | 11/1/2025 |
| Do you know how many feet are in a yard? About 50 last night at the barbecue. | (0) |
| Feet | 11/1/2025 |
| We’ve had a mouse problem, so I sprayed WD-40 everywhere. I didn’t get rid of them, but at least the squeaking has stopped. | (0) |
| Mice, Squeaks | 11/1/2025 |
| What has a bunch of white balls and drives old women crazy? Bingo. | (0) |
| Bingo | 11/1/2025 |
| When I forget to make a cup of coffee in the morning, you know there’s trouble brewing. | (0) |
| Coffee | 11/1/2025 |
| What’s the best part about Halloween for lazy people? The cobwebs just become decorations. | (0) |
| Halloween | 11/1/2025 |
| Scientists have discovered that boiling water kills some types of Cancers. They’re hoping the same thing can work on Leos and Virgos. | (0) |
| Astrology | 11/1/2025 |
| I heard that a gang stole an entire truck load of Red Bull. How can they sleep at night? | (0) |
| Criminals, Drinks | 11/1/2025 |
| My girlfriend is a perfect 10, if you take the absolute value. Without that, she’s negative, imaginary, and quite complex. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| I tried on the Harry Potter sorting hat, and it placed me in the Waffle House. | (0) |
| Harry Potter, Waffle House | 11/1/2025 |
| What do you call a mafia member in a submarine? In too deep. | (0) |
| Mafia, Submarine | 11/1/2025 |
| I asked my friend why he decided not to be a farmer anymore, and he said, “I think I chose the wrong field.” | (0) |
| Farmers | 11/1/2025 |
| Why is Mario so popular after he eats a mushroom? Because it makes him a fungi. | (1) |
| Mario, Mushrooms | 11/1/2025 |
| Costco cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?” Me unloading a full cart: “First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this.” | (0) |
| Shopping | 11/1/2025 |
| What happened when the cannibal got frustrated? He threw up his hands. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 11/1/2025 |
| Vampires are the fastest growing demographic group. There’s a sucker born every minute. | (0) |
| Vampires | 11/1/2025 |
| What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons? You dill with it. | (0) |
| Food, Pickles | 11/1/2025 |
| Husband: I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my grandmother. Wife: Why does it say “do not resuscitate? | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| Despite all the warnings, I put all my eggs in one basket. Made my grocery shopping trip SO much easier. | (0) |
| Shopping | 11/1/2025 |
| I just used my CVS receipt to wrap my son like a mummy for Halloween. You can also scan him for $2 off of Advil. | (0) |
| Halloween, Receipts | 11/1/2025 |
| My shepherd friend is mad at me because I talked smack about his sheep. I told him I think it’s a ewe issue. | (0) |
| Animals, Sheep | 11/1/2025 |
| I’ve had the same job at SpaceX for over 10 years. I kind of thought there would be more upward mobility. | (0) |
| Space, Work | 11/1/2025 |
| Halloween is a creepy holiday, but not in the way you think. You get free candy from strangers. | (0) |
| Halloween | 11/1/2025 |
| I just learned that my friend is colorblind. That news came totally out of the purple. | (0) |
| Colors | 11/1/2025 |
| Conjunctivitis.com. Now there’s a site for sore eyes! | (0) |
| Eyes, Websites | 11/1/2025 |
| If you give a man a fish, you can feed him for a day. If you feed a man to fish, you can feed them for like six months! | (0) |
| Animals, Fish | 11/1/2025 |
| Maturing in marriage is realizing no couple actually cuddles to fall asleep. They say goodnight, roll over, one goes into a coma and farts all night while the other scrolls their phone until their eyes go blurry. | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/1/2025 |
| Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll unwind. | (0) |
| Halloween, Mummies | 11/1/2025 |
| Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Because the stake was killing him. | (0) |
| Vampires | 11/1/2025 |
| Why do ghosts speak Latin? Because it’s a dead language. | (0) |
| Ghosts, Language | 11/1/2025 |
| I just bought some anti-gloating lotion. I can’t wait to rub it in. | (0) |
| Lotion | 11/1/2025 |
| My son came home from the doctor and said now he’s 6 feet. I said “Well, I’m only buying you two shoes, so you’ll have to buy the rest.” | (0) |
| Feet, Height | 11/1/2025 |
| My buddy Phillip had his upper lip removed last week. Now, we just call him Phil. | (0) |
| Names | 11/1/2025 |
| if each day really is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays. | (0) |
| Days, Work | 11/1/2025 |
| What’s the difference between a banjo and a hand grenade? Nothing. By the time you hear it, it’s too late. | (0) |
| Noise | 11/1/2025 |
| If you go to jail for tax evasion, you’ll be living off of taxes for not paying taxes. | (0) |
| Taxes | 11/1/2025 |
| Why does the band U2 struggle to use Excel? Because their sheets have no names. | (0) |
| Excel, Music | 11/1/2025 |
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