WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| My superpower is ruining my kid’s life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing. |   (0) |
| Children | 10/25/2024 |
| When I die, I’m leaving all of my relatives some protein powder to inspire them. Where there’s a will, there’s a whey. | (0) |
| Wills | 10/25/2024 |
| Teslas don’t have that new car smell. It’s more of a musk. | (0) |
| Cars, Scents | 10/25/2024 |
| What do you call somebody who chews all day long? A train. | (0) |
| Trains | 10/25/2024 |
| We’re remodeling the house and I told the contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He just gave me a blank stair. | (0) |
| Construction | 10/25/2024 |
| Gravity is a fundamental force in the universe, but if you remove it, you get...gravy. | (0) |
| Gravity | 10/25/2024 |
| Getting offended by something on the Internet is like choosing to step in dog poop instead of walking around it. | (0) |
| Internet, Woke | 10/25/2024 |
| If you plan on pouring your blood, sweat, and tears into your work, you probably shouldn’t be a chef. | (0) |
| Cooking, Work | 10/25/2024 |
| Do you know why cows often wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. | (0) |
| Animals, Cows | 10/25/2024 |
| Two flies were sitting on a toilet seat, and one got pissed off. | (0) |
| Animals, Insects | 10/25/2024 |
| Why is there a shop at the airport that sells luggage? Who shows up with a ton of stuff under their arms thinking, “I’ll pack when we get there?” | (0) |
| Luggage, Travel | 10/25/2024 |
| What did the black cat say to the witch and the wizard that were making out? Why don’t you two get a broom? | (0) |
| Witches, Wizards | 10/25/2024 |
| Why do I prefer math class over English? Because fractions speak louder than verbs. | (0) |
| Math, School | 10/25/2024 |
| I only wear a jacket on cold days. I should probably wear some pants as well. | (0) |
| Clothes | 10/25/2024 |
| People are so worried about smart devices spying on them, but they don’t realize that their vacuums have been gathering dirt for years. | (0) |
| Spies, Vacuums | 10/25/2024 |
| Doing a good job in accounting is like peeing your pants wearing a dark suit. It may feel good and warm, but nobody really notices. | (0) |
| Accounting, Work | 10/25/2024 |
| I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected. | (0) |
| Biology, Science | 10/25/2024 |
| Why are vampires bad at art? Because the only thing they know how to draw is blood. | (0) |
| Blood, Vampires | 10/25/2024 |
| My wife and I took a long road trip across the country. My friend asked if we took turns driving, and I said, of course, there was no way to get there in a straight line. | (0) |
| Driving | 10/25/2024 |
| Did you hear about the car that only moves when the driver is silent? It goes without saying. | (0) |
| Driving | 10/25/2024 |
| You know it’s amazing? Even though he can’t see, my neighbor still likes to trim his own grass. It’s totally blind mowing. | (0) |
| Blindness, Landscaping | 10/25/2024 |
| A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. Also I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints. | (0) |
| Food | 10/25/2024 |
| I’m caught in an impossible battle…where I want to have buns of steel, but buns of cinnamon satisfy quicker. | (0) |
| Exercise, Food | 10/25/2024 |
| I think ghosts are just people who have died that are still trying to fold a fitted sheet. | (0) |
| Ghosts | 10/25/2024 |
| I just found out that garbage men don’t receive any training. They just pick it up as they go along. | (0) |
| Garbage, Work | 10/25/2024 |
| I’m so glad I don’t have to hunt for food like my ancestors. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. | (0) |
| Food, Hunting, Sandwiches | 10/25/2024 |
| War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left. | (0) |
| War | 10/25/2024 |
| My dad single-handedly raised me. It was tough having a pirate for a dad. | (0) |
| Parents, Pirates | 10/25/2024 |
| Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test, and the machine confessed everything. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 10/25/2024 |
| I saw someone dragging a clam on a leash this morning. It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. | (0) |
| Clams, Walking | 10/25/2024 |
| Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you need. Better to be safe than sober. | (0) |
| Drinking | 10/25/2024 |
| We yelled at my son for leaving the door open and letting in a bunch of flies. So he called the swat team. | (0) |
| Animals, Insects | 10/25/2024 |
| A burglar broke into our house last night. I didn’t shoot him, I just aimed the red dot at his head and the cats took care of the rest. | (0) |
| Animals, Cats | 10/25/2024 |
| My wife can’t decide whether she’s going to make a blanket or a quilt. I keep telling her she’s way too knit picky. | (0) |
| Knitting | 10/25/2024 |
| My wife is a chiropractor and we’re going through a divorce. When she filed for joint custody, I was taken aback. | (0) |
| Joints, Relationships | 10/25/2024 |
| My son wants a $400 Lego set, and I said not for something you’re only going to use once and never touch again. Then he reminded me that I bought a treadmill. | (0) |
| Children | 10/25/2024 |
| What doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 am asking for Bluey and pancakes. | (0) |
| Children | 10/12/2024 |
| There’s a new movie coming out that is a mashup of the movies Legally Blonde and Saw. It’s called Reese‘s pieces. | (0) |
| Movies | 10/12/2024 |
| What do you call a lawyer who can cook? A sue chef. | (0) |
| Cooking, Lawyers | 10/12/2024 |
| The CPA really surprised the cannibal. Apparently, there’s no accounting for taste. | (0) |
| Accounting | 10/12/2024 |
| When the circus closed down, my career as a juggler was more up in the air than ever. | (0) |
| Circus | 10/12/2024 |
| I just got mugged by a guy with a starter pistol. This race-related violence is getting out of hand. | (0) |
| Violence | 10/12/2024 |
| Vampires make for terrible therapy patients. They have no way to reflect. | (0) |
| Vampires | 10/12/2024 |
| After my girlfriend poked me in the eye, I stopped seeing her. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/12/2024 |
| What has four legs but can’t walk? Half of a spider. | (0) |
| Animals, Spiders | 10/12/2024 |
| A hacker just told me he has all my passwords. I grabbed a pen and paper and said, “Thank goodness, what are they?” | (0) |
| Hackers, Passwords | 10/12/2024 |
| I got fired from my job because I kept asking people whether they preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”. | (0) |
| Burials, Cremations, Funerals | 10/12/2024 |
| A new resident asked if he could get a protein shake and Satan said “There’s no whey in hell.” | (0) |
| Protein | 10/12/2024 |
| Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to 'Tree Fiddy'. | (0) |
| Inflation, Prices | 10/12/2024 |
| I published a book about basements. It made the New York Times’ best cellars list. | (0) |
| Books | 10/12/2024 |
| 9 out of 10 dentists at zoos refuse to brush bears' teeth without using a strong anesthetic. There's safety in numb bears. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears, Zoos | 10/12/2024 |
| I feel like I’m in season five of my life in the writers are just making ridiculous stuff happen to keep it interesting. | (0) |
| Craziness | 10/12/2024 |
| Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice? | (0) |
| Cables, Phones | 10/12/2024 |
| Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station. | (0) |
| Animals, Turtles | 10/12/2024 |
| I just saw 3 people jogging outside and it inspired me…to get up and close the blinds. | (0) |
| Exercise | 10/12/2024 |
| Why are bananas always so successful in traffic court? They always win on a peel. | (0) |
| Bananas, Food | 10/12/2024 |
| You might have heard that seven ate nine. But do you know why? Because his doctor said to get three squared meals. | (0) |
| Math | 10/12/2024 |
| What do you call a criminal who lands a plane? Con descending. | (0) |
| Criminals, Pilots | 10/12/2024 |
| Why did the service dog moonlight as a lounge singer? It was just his bark-time job. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs, Singers | 10/12/2024 |
| With great power comes great responsibility…to pay the electric company. | (0) |
| Electricity, Power | 10/12/2024 |
| What’s the favorite Christmas song at a psychiatric hospital? “Do you hear what I hear?” | (0) |
| Christmas, Schizophrenia | 10/12/2024 |
| Nothing is really, truly lost until your wife can’t find it. | (0) |
| Lost, Searching | 10/12/2024 |
| After all these years, my wife finally apologized to me. She said she was sorry she ever married me. | (0) |
| Relationships | 10/12/2024 |
| The police think they found the guy stealing lots of construction supplies around town, but they can’t find any concrete evidence. | (0) |
| Construction, Theft | 10/12/2024 |
| What was Lassie‘s favorite type of vegetable? Collie flower. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 10/12/2024 |
| I bought a sweet car online. Turns out it was Neil Diamond‘s Volvo. | (0) |
| Cars, Music | 10/12/2024 |
| Why are carpenters always working on so many projects? Because they get board easily. | (0) |
| Carpenters | 10/12/2024 |
| A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit says “I think I might be a type O.” | (0) |
| Clinics, Religion | 10/12/2024 |
| I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries. | (0) |
| Lights | 10/12/2024 |
| If I could choose to have one superpower, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear. | (0) |
| Invisibility, Superpowers | 10/12/2024 |
| I don’t know if tectonic plates are safe for the dishwasher or the microwave, but they are great for a continental breakfast! | (0) |
| Food | 10/12/2024 |
| What’s the quickest way to a smoking hot body? Cremation. | (0) |
| Cremation, Fitness | 10/12/2024 |
| Learning to read can help open a lot of doors for kids. Especially the ones that say push and pull. | (0) |
| Literacy | 10/12/2024 |
| I have a bad habit of running red lights. I really need to stop. | (0) |
| Traffic | 10/12/2024 |
| I can’t even begin to imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory. | (0) |
| Bubble wrap | 10/12/2024 |
| My girlfriend said she wanted to donate her clothes to starving people. I said anyone that fits in your clothes isn’t starving. And that’s how the breakup started. | (0) |
| Clothes, Relationships | 10/12/2024 |
| I just saw a wildly over-the-top gum commercial. It was a bit Extra-vagant. | (0) |
| Gum | 9/28/2024 |
| How is toilet paper a lot like life? Toward the end, it tends to go a lot faster. | (0) |
| Toilet paper | 9/28/2024 |
| If your math homework looks like chicken scratch, don’t worry. You’re well on your way to being a mathemachicken. | (0) |
| Math | 9/28/2024 |
| Statistically speaking, only one out of seven dwarves is happy. | (0) |
| Dwarves, Statistics | 9/28/2024 |
| What kind of overalls does Super Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim. | (0) |
| Video games | 9/28/2024 |
| I understand being a responsible adult. But every day? Every single day? That seems excessive. | (0) |
| Adulting | 9/28/2024 |
| The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4:00 am is realizing that some people do this on purpose so they can exercise. | (0) |
| Exercise, Sleep | 9/28/2024 |
| I accidentally took a five minute video of my shoes with my phone. Turns out it was some pretty good footage! | (0) |
| Feet, Shoes | 9/28/2024 |
| If you can’t figure out who that one weird coworker is, it’s you. | (0) |
| Weirdos, Work | 9/28/2024 |
| An interviewer asked about the gap in my resume. I said “Well I spent 6 hours drafting it in Word and you opened it in Google Docs.” | (0) |
| Resumes, Work | 9/28/2024 |
| IF I ACCIDENTALLY REPLY TO YOU IN ALL CAPS, I’M NOT YELLING, I’M JUST MULTI-TASKING IN SQL. | (0) |
| Databases, Programming | 9/28/2024 |
| If you’re struggling to lose weight, wear some bread on your head. It’s the new loaf hat diet. | (0) |
| Weight loss | 9/28/2024 |
| I told my dentist that yes, my teeth are emotional. He said, “That’s nice, but not what I meant by sensitive.” | (0) |
| Dentitsts, Teeth | 9/28/2024 |
| I’m always the first to get the trash out to the curb before all my neighbors. I guess you could say I’m a bit of a binfluencer. | (0) |
| Trash | 9/28/2024 |
| What did the cannibal have for breakfast? A cup of Joe. | (0) |
| Cannibals, Coffee | 9/28/2024 |
| Why did the snowman go to the garden? To pick his nose! | (0) |
| Snowmen | 9/28/2024 |
| A researcher stumbled upon an indigenous isolated tribe and asked the leader if there any cannibals among them? He said no, we ate the last one yesterday. | (0) |
| Cannibals | 9/28/2024 |
| We had to remove the horses from our city council. They were always voting neigh. | (0) |
| Animals, Government, Horses | 9/28/2024 |
| When asked why she was eating a spoiled sandwich, Elsa said the mold never bothered me anyway. | (0) |
| Elsa, Food, Mold | 9/28/2024 |
| I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. | (0) |
| Superstitions | 9/28/2024 |
| A panhandler was pestering me for money and I told him I only have big bills. He said that’s fine, so I handed him my electric bill. | (0) |
| Begging, Bills | 9/28/2024 |
| The inventor of AutoCorrect just died. His eulogy read "May he rest in piss." | (0) |
| Autocorrect | 9/28/2024 |
| People keep saying that 60 is the new 40. I tried it out, and all I got was a speeding ticket. | (0) |
| Numbers, Speeding | 9/28/2024 |
| My friend told me he lost 30 pounds just by doing yoga for six months. I said that sounds like kind of a stretch. | (0) |
| Exercise | 9/28/2024 |
Random dad joke
Here’s a random dad joke!
Share a dad joke
 Copy text to clipboard |
 Copy URL to clipboard |
 Share via text message |
 Share via email |
 Share via LinkedIn |
 Share via Facebook |
 Share via Twitter |
 Share via Pinterest |
