WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

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Showing 1 - 100 of 2,675 dad jokes...
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Tags Date
Isn’t it weird to think people who are 5 feet tall are only 5 Subway sandwiches long?  (2)
Height, Sandwiches3/22/2025
Things I love about my wife: waking up to all 10 full-volume alarms spread five minutes apart from repeatedly hitting the snooze button.  (0)
Relationships3/22/2025
My wife asked what she should do when the car says it’s hot. I said “Tell it you have a headache.”  (1)
Relationships3/22/2025
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.  (0)
Cars, Relationships3/22/2025
To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy.  (0)
Happiness, Medicine3/22/2025
“I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing…watch you smile while you’re sleeping…” was romantic for Aerosmith but a restraining order for the rest of us.  (0)
Lyrics, Songs3/22/2025
I’m almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.  (0)
Math, Money3/22/2025
3 things that always tell the truth - small children, drunk people & yoga pants.  (0)
Truth3/22/2025
When I die, I’m going to come back and haunt my children with messages on tiny sticky pieces of paper. I called them ghost-it notes.  (0)
Ghosts3/22/2025
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"  (0)
Relationships3/22/2025
Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen wondering why on earth you couldn't just text me.  (0)
Phones3/22/2025
What do you call a cup of coffee that offers mild insults? Light roast.  (0)
Coffee3/22/2025
Any song gets better if you replace the word girl with squirrel. Go ahead and try it.  (0)
Animals, Songs, Squirrels3/22/2025
To make a long story short, I became an editor.  (0)
Writing3/22/2025
I asked to switch seats on an airplane because I was next to a crying baby. Apparently that doesn’t work if the baby is yours.  (1)
Airplanes, Babies3/22/2025
I kept sending my friend Lego puns, so he blocked me.  (0)
Legos3/22/2025
Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One of them says "Eat the chocolate" and the other one says "You heard him, eat the chocolate."  (1)
Chocolate, Food3/22/2025
The other day I got to witness a cornea transplant surgery. It was pretty eye-opening.  (0)
Eyes3/22/2025
I got new neighbours today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 19 families did.  (0)
Music, Neighbors3/22/2025
Where is the best place to grow corn, Red Hot chili peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, and Black Eyed Peas? In a sound garden.  (0)
Music3/22/2025
What kind of doctor encourages you to pick your nose? A plastic surgeon.  (0)
Doctors3/22/2025
My boss said he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.  (0)
Posturr, Work3/22/2025
Where is the best place to find a legit fortune teller? At a bank.  (0)
Banks, Fortunes3/22/2025
Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot?  (0)
Farts, Sneezes3/22/2025
Due to privacy policies, my doctor can’t call patients by name, so they said “We are now ready to see the lady with hemorrhoids.”  (0)
Doctors3/22/2025
I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few poops behind.  (0)
Food, Weight3/22/2025
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.  (0)
Luck, Plants3/22/2025
I used to be scared of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.  (0)
Speedbumps3/22/2025
I press so many of my wife’s buttons, but why can’t mute be one of them?  (0)
Relationships3/22/2025
When I go to someone’s house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.  (0)
Hospitality3/22/2025
If there was a pill that could cure procrastination, I probably wouldn’t take it until tomorrow.  (0)
Procrastination3/22/2025
A 72-hour hold in a psych ward is starting to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.  (0)
Vacation3/22/2025
What happens when you seize the wrong day? Crappy diem.  (0)
Latin3/22/2025
If poison expires, is it no longer poisonous or is it more poisonous?  (0)
Poison3/22/2025
I’d humans evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys today?  (0)
Animals, Monkeys3/22/2025
I don’t understand why they are called pairing knives. I find it really hard to use more than one at a time.  (0)
Knives3/22/2025
I’m reading a really compelling book about an immortal dog. It’s impossible to put down.  (0)
Animals, Dogs3/22/2025
Do you know the street name of the periodic table? It’s the Atoms Family.  (0)
Science3/22/2025
Little Red Riding Hood was found unconscious. She’s stable now, but not out of the woods yet.  (0)
Little Red Riding Hood3/22/2025
I hate when I turn on my car in the morning and the music starts blasting, and I’m like “Whoa big fella, I’m not the same person I was last night.”  (0)
Cars3/22/2025
I tried to walk like an Egyptian, and now I need to see a Cairo practor.  (0)
Doctors3/22/2025
We have cooking shows with kids, but the kids never get to judge. Just once I would like to see a kid tell an Iron Chef that his duck confit is yucky and smells like a bard bucket, then demand a hot dog.  (0)
Children, Cooking3/22/2025
Did you know that stealing someone else’s coffee is called mugging?  (0)
Coffee3/22/2025
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for tomorrow.  (0)
Cremation, Relationships3/22/2025
Why does every cart at Wal-Mart need a front end alignment and a tire rotation?  (0)
Shopping, Wal-Mart3/22/2025
The upside of dating is it makes dying alone seem not all that bad.  (0)
Relationships3/22/2025
You call them red flags, I call them 10 fun facts you didn't know about me.  (0)
Relationships3/8/2025
I don’t understand why Subway is asking for a tip. We literally made this sandwich together.  (0)
Food, Tipping3/8/2025
Beware: The phrase 'Don't take this the wrong way' has a 0% success rate.  (0)
Relationships3/8/2025
Whenever I get a paper cut, the universe seems to send me an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit and salty snacks.  (0)
Cuts, Food3/8/2025
I’m not crazy…I have great stability: the ability to stab.  (0)
Crazy3/8/2025
Why is it that flies can find their way into your house through a 2MM crack, but can’t find their way out even if you take off an entire side of the house?  (0)
Bugs, Flies3/8/2025
The student that graduates with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. I want to hear both sides.  (0)
Graduation3/8/2025
Ever had one of those days where you’re holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata?  (0)
Anger, Piñatas3/8/2025
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.  (0)
Gambling3/8/2025
Some of you aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.  (0)
Crazy3/8/2025
If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, it’s only 73 pounds on Mars. You’re not fat, you’re just on the wrong planet.  (0)
Space, Weight3/8/2025
Why don’t fish like to play basketball? Because they’re afraid of the net.  (0)
Basketball, Fish3/8/2025
I once met a farmer who was too scared to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear.  (0)
Farming3/8/2025
Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No, I need to buy more stuff. I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.  (0)
Shopping3/8/2025
If you use the phrase “We’ve always done it this way,” you should be forced to use a flip phone and a Walkman for a year.  (0)
Change3/8/2025
My golf game can best be described as hit and miss.  (0)
Golf, Sports3/8/2025
It’s a good thing that Sean Connery never did a Citibank commercial!   (0)
Actors, Banks3/8/2025
This generation is so lazy that you could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up and quit.  (0)
Laziness, Work3/8/2025
You know, any machine can be a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.  (0)
Smoke3/8/2025
If you feel lonely, dim all of your lights and watch a horror movie. After a while, it won't feel like you're alone anymore.  (0)
Movies3/8/2025
What do you call a zombie that makes stir-fry? Dead man woking.  (0)
Zombies3/8/2025
That feeling you get when the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services, but you can rent it for $4.99.  (0)
Movies, TV3/8/2025
If Disney World makes a ride out of the movie Inside Out, it would literally be an emotional roller coaster.  (0)
Disney, Rides3/8/2025
Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I’m capable of.  (0)
Animals, Birds, Wings3/8/2025
They say with age comes wisdom, therefore I don’t have wrinkles, I have wise cracks.  (0)
Age, Wisdom3/8/2025
A raccoon stopped me and said: “I’m not judging you, but you sure throw away a lot of salad while the Cheetos bag is always empty.”  (0)
Animals, Food, Raccoons, Trash3/8/2025
My girlfriend broke up with me and said she needed more space. That’s when I stopped using college ruled paper.  (0)
Paper, Space3/8/2025
My daughter said she can’t stand playing piano anymore. Too many Bach issues.  (0)
Piano3/8/2025
What is a snowman‘s favorite way to travel? With an icicle.  (0)
Snowmen3/8/2025
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.  (0)
Animals3/8/2025
You know what’s ironic? I went to the library to learn about how the credit system works, but all the books were out on loan.  (0)
Books, Loans3/8/2025
I told my wife I wanted to grow some fruit, and I’m going to start with a pineapple. She said I should grow a pear.  (0)
Fruit3/8/2025
Apparently you have to eat healthy more than one to get into shape. This is cruel and unfair.  (0)
Fitness3/8/2025
Did you know that penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers produce heat? That’s right, the oily bird gets the warm.  (0)
Animals, Birds, Penguins3/8/2025
Do you know what I find really appealing? Eating oranges.  (0)
Food, Oranges3/8/2025
Why is the equals sign so humble? Because it knows it’s not any better or worse than anything else.  (0)
Math3/8/2025
Did you hear about the guy who ate 6 large cans of alphabet soup? Biggest vowel movement ever.  (0)
Soup3/8/2025
You know what I strive for whenever I play golf? To be sub-par.  (0)
Golf3/8/2025
You know who is the best at quiet quitting? Judges. When they retire, they just stop trying.  (0)
Judges, Work3/8/2025
Some people stir coffee with their right hand, and others with their left. But most just use a spoon.  (0)
Coffee, Spoons3/8/2025
Did you hear about the controversy at the wheelchair basketball championships? They found trace amounts of WD-40 in the home team’s locker room.  (0)
Basketball3/8/2025
I don’t understand why we can’t call in healthy to work too. “Look, I feel great and I don’t want to waste it by coming into work.”  (0)
Work3/8/2025
Do you know why Teslas are so expensive? I’ve heard it’s because they charge a lot.  (0)
Cars, Tesla3/8/2025
Whenever I want to share a secret, I have to take off my watch. Because time will tell.  (0)
Time3/8/2025
What do you call a girl who is bad at drawing? Tracy.  (0)
Names3/8/2025
Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I asked my wife for her phone number and she told me to get lost!  (0)
Drinking, Relationships3/8/2025
You're not a dedicated parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.  (0)
Parenting3/8/2025
If Walmart opened a dental office in its stores, there would be an express lane for people with ten teeth or less.  (0)
Teeth, Walmart3/8/2025
If Fred had 45 chocolate bars and eats 40 of them, what does he have? Diabetes.  (0)
Chocolate, Diabetes3/8/2025
Why do ducks have flat feet? So they can extinguish forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can extinguish the flaming ducks.  (0)
Animals, Ducks, Elephants3/8/2025
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because A-shells and B-shells don’t fit.  (0)
Mermaids3/8/2025
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.  (0)
Kindness3/8/2025
I love Chick-fil-A! I could eat there 24-6!  (0)
Restaurants3/8/2025
What kind of snack do computers like to eat? A microchip.  (0)
Computers3/8/2025

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