WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| My friend took a trip to Helsinki, but we never heard from him again. He vanished into Fin air. |   (0) |
| Traveling | 1/13/2026 |
| It's funny how we say, "a bug hit my windshield" when we are the ones going 70 mph. I'll bet the bug’s family describes it differently. | (0) |
| Bugs, Driving | 1/13/2026 |
| Me: finally gets 8 hours of sleep. My neck and back: “Yeah, but you did it wrong.” | (0) |
| Aging, Sleep | 1/13/2026 |
| What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo? The southern zoo has the name of the animal along with a recipe. | (0) |
| Animals, Recipes | 1/13/2026 |
| I'm still confused about why our teeth and eyeballs need their own insurance. | (0) |
| Health, Insurance | 1/13/2026 |
| What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat. | (0) |
| Clothes, Painting | 1/13/2026 |
| My favorite part of today was someone getting mad at me for using dude as a gender neutral nickname. I’m a 90s kid. I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes. | (0) |
| Friends | 1/13/2026 |
| Every ceiling fan I’ve ever used has five settings: 1 - No, that’s the light. 2 - I think I turned it off? 3 - No - it’s still going. 4 - Okay, it finally stopped. 5 - APACHE WAR HELICOPTER! | (0) |
| Fans | 1/13/2026 |
| May your 2026 be as profitable as a 2025 Somalian daycare. | (0) |
| Fraud, Money | 1/13/2026 |
| Have you ever slept so good that you thought you missed the school bus but you wake up and it’s Sunday…and you’re 32? | (0) |
| Dreams, Sleep | 1/13/2026 |
| Group projects in school weren’t meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of coworkers in the workplace. | (0) |
| Projects, Teamwork | 1/13/2026 |
| They should build a grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and have at least an ounce of spatial awareness. | (0) |
| Shopping | 1/13/2026 |
| Remember when school split us into honors, regular, and slow classes? The real issue with social media is that they put us all together and we were never meant to be. | (0) |
| Intelligence, Social media | 1/13/2026 |
| You’ll pay to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, suddenly I’m the bad guy. | (0) |
| Comedy, Humor | 1/13/2026 |
| What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero? A sea señor. | (0) |
| Pirates, Spanish | 1/13/2026 |
| Sometimes I wonder if the bad things in my life are happening because I didn’t forward that message to 10 people. | (0) |
| Luck, Spam | 1/13/2026 |
| Which of the essential oils helps calm other people down? Isn’t it called something like chloroform? | (0) |
| Chloroform, Oils | 1/13/2026 |
| I don’t have a train of thought. It’s more like a caravan of confusion. | (0) |
| Thinking | 1/13/2026 |
| What do you call a clever blonde? A Labrador. | (0) |
| Blonds | 1/13/2026 |
| On today’s episode of “How strong is your marriage”, we head to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white. | (0) |
| Decorating, Relationships | 1/13/2026 |
| Never open the door for the police. If it’s important, they’ll just kick it in. | (0) |
| Police | 1/13/2026 |
| I wish dads took "#1 Dad" shirts seriously and fought each other whenever they saw another dad wearing one. | (0) |
| Dads | 1/13/2026 |
| Where’s the worst place to take a nap? At a funeral home. | (0) |
| Funeral homes, Sleep | 1/13/2026 |
| My dream job would to be to stain all kinds of clothes that they use in those detergent commercials. | (0) |
| Laundry, Work | 1/13/2026 |
| I know he meant well, but Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood. | (0) |
| Neighbors, Television | 1/13/2026 |
| I hate it when homeless people shake their change cup at me. I get it. You have more money than me. No need to be a jerk about it. | (0) |
| Homelessness | 1/13/2026 |
| I just heard someone refer to mansplaining as “correctile dysfunction” so please excuse me while I laugh hysterically for 6 hours. | (0) |
| Mansplaining | 1/13/2026 |
| When asked why they were late to the browser game, Google replied: “Well, Chrome, wasn’t built in a day.” | (0) |
| Browsers, Internet | 1/13/2026 |
| Why doesn’t the queen say anything whenever the king farts? Because Noble gases don’t have any reaction. | (0) |
| Farts, Royalty | 1/13/2026 |
| What’s invisible and smells like fish? Penguin farts. | (0) |
| Farts, Fish, Penguins | 1/13/2026 |
| Don't believe what you see in the cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won't actually stick to someone's face. Don't ask me how I know this. | (0) |
| Cartoons, Plungers | 1/13/2026 |
| You ever heard of anti-stalking? It’s where you learn a person’s routines in order to avoid them. | (0) |
| Stalking | 1/13/2026 |
| I was in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart. So if you’re missing a kid, he’s in the red LG dryer on aisle 7. | (0) |
| Children, Shopping | 1/13/2026 |
| I’d love to be more of a minimalist, but my kids have grandparents. | (0) |
| Family, Stuff | 1/13/2026 |
| What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm. | (0) |
| Books, Fishing | 1/13/2026 |
| The history of dad jokes started with: “Once a pun a time.” | (0) |
| Puns | 1/13/2026 |
| What did Michael Jackson say when the diner messed up his lunch? “Chili beans is not my order.” | (0) |
| Michael Jackson | 1/13/2026 |
| Why are most librarians so old? Because they work until they run out of circulation. | (0) |
| Linrarians | 1/13/2026 |
| I was watching dirty dancing with my bride, and I stole some food off her plate. I had the thyme of my wife. | (0) |
| Food, Time | 1/13/2026 |
| How do country music fans fight their addictions? With a two step program. | (0) |
| Country music | 1/13/2026 |
| How did dancers survive during Covid? They twerked from home. | (0) |
| Dancing | 1/13/2026 |
| Learning other languages helps everyone. But I wish more people were fluent in silence. | (0) |
| Languages | 1/13/2026 |
| Rage Against The Machine, never specified what type of machine they were furious with, but I bet it was a printer. | (0) |
| Bands, Music, Printers | 1/13/2026 |
| Facebook is a lot like your fridge…nothing new but you check every five minutes anyways. | (0) |
| Social media | 1/13/2026 |
| Reasons why people hate English: cough, rough, though, and through…none of them rhyme. But for some God l-forsaken reason ping and bologna do. | (0) |
| Rhymes | 1/13/2026 |
| Sometimes I wonder if we would have been better off if Y2K had ruined all the computers back in the year 2000. | (0) |
| Computers | 1/13/2026 |
| Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either. | (0) |
| Children , Emotions | 1/13/2026 |
| Supposedly, it’s illegal to fill farm animals up with helium. But I say, whatever floats your goat. | (0) |
| Animals, Helium | 1/13/2026 |
| I’ve started using nonsense phrases at work like “That’s neither cheese nor cheddar” just to see my coworkers nod seriously like they understand. | (0) |
| Nonsense, Work | 1/13/2026 |
| Does anyone know when W-2s for Walmart's self-checkout will be sent out? | (0) |
| Taxes, Wal-Mart, Work | 1/13/2026 |
| You don’t know pain until some kid draws a stick figure family and you’re the only one that’s round. | (0) |
| Drawing | 1/13/2026 |
| My friend asked me if I was ready to go to a nude beach. I said I was born ready! | (0) |
| Beaches, Nudity | 1/13/2026 |
| What’s the hardest thing about learning how to ride a bike? The asphalt. | (0) |
| Bikes | 1/13/2026 |
| What did one fly say to the other? “Looks like your man is open.” | (0) |
| Bugs | 1/13/2026 |
| No matter what you are going through, always try to help people. Instead of just telling someone to “get lost”, ask how you can help them get lost. | (0) |
| Kindness, Sarcasm | 1/13/2026 |
| Birthday balloons are so weird…nothing like saying “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath!” | (0) |
| Balloons, Birthdays | 1/13/2026 |
| My wife doesn’t like jokes about karate, but I get a kick out of them. | (0) |
| Karate | 1/13/2026 |
| I’m switching my email opening to “I hope this email finds you in a well”, just to see if anybody notices. | (0) |
| Email, Work | 1/13/2026 |
| Pro tip: put whiskey in a cough syrup bottle. You can enjoy a drink at work and as a bonus, people will stay away from you! | (0) |
| Alcohol, Sickness, Work | 1/13/2026 |
| One thing I like about Amazon is that they don’t have the energy to argue…they just give you a refund. | (0) |
| Amazon | 1/13/2026 |
| I’ve finally outgrown my hatred for Mondays. I’m mature enough now to admit that the entire workweek is actually the problem. | (0) |
| Mondays, Work | 1/3/2026 |
| As she opened up her Christmas gift, my wife said “You’re a lot like Vanilla Ice. Neither of you can wrap.” | (0) |
| Christmas, Wrapping | 1/3/2026 |
| Where’s the worst place for a poker player to sit? In a folding chair. | (0) |
| Chairs, Poker | 1/3/2026 |
| I don’t even know how to use my credit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it? | (0) |
| Games, Money | 1/3/2026 |
| When it comes to laundry, my kids are like a couple of aggressive poker players. They never wanna fold. | (1) |
| Children , Laundry, Poker | 1/3/2026 |
| I lost all my money at the blackjack table. But don’t worry, I got it back from the ATM machine. | (0) |
| Gambling, Money | 1/3/2026 |
| One time I played poker at a casino that was out of toilet paper. I had crappy hands the rest of the night. | (0) |
| Poker, Toilet paper | 1/3/2026 |
| For $5, you can get your girl approximately two flowers from the florist. Or you can get an entire rotisserie chicken from Costco and have money left over. The choice is yours. | (0) |
| Chicken, Flowers, Relationships | 1/3/2026 |
| You know why I get depressed after the new year begins? Because bread and chocolate apparently have calories again. | (0) |
| Food | 1/3/2026 |
| If I was a funeral director, I would tie together all the shoelaces of the deceased. That way, if there was a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious. | (1) |
| Zombies | 1/3/2026 |
| Things I like about minimalism: the ability to walk confidently walk through my bedroom with the lights off. | (0) |
| Clutter | 1/3/2026 |
| The more secure you want my computer password to be, the more guaranteed I am to just write that mess down on a very not secure post-it note. | (1) |
| Notes, Passwords | 1/3/2026 |
| I just heard that Planet Fitness is now offering a convenient two-week membership, just in time for the new year. | (0) |
| Fitness | 1/3/2026 |
| Drinking three liters of water a day isn’t just healthy, it helps you avoid other people’s drama. Because you’re too busy keeping. | (0) |
| Drama, Water | 1/3/2026 |
| When you work really hard and things still kind of suck, that’s called the vegetables of your labor. | (0) |
| Work | 1/3/2026 |
| I asked the passenger next to me if they would switch seats because I was flying with my family. They declined, so now I have to sit next to my family. | (0) |
| Airplanes, Family | 1/3/2026 |
| If you fart and sneeze at the same time, you could be cold-bloated. | (0) |
| Farts, Sneezes | 1/3/2026 |
| What do you say to a friendly one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in! | (0) |
| Hitchhikers | 1/3/2026 |
| I just heard the Pillsberry doughboy was injured playing basketball. He rolled an ankle. | (0) |
| Basketball, Food | 1/3/2026 |
| My friend told me he could print a gun with his new 3-D printer. I said “So what? I’ve had a Canon printer for years.” | (0) |
| Printers, Weapons | 1/3/2026 |
| What is an English teacher’s favorite breakfast? Synonym toast crunch. | (0) |
| Breakfast, Food, Teachers | 1/3/2026 |
| 29% of all accidents are caused by speeding. That means 71% are caused by driving the speed limit. So statistically, it's safer to speed. | (0) |
| Driving | 1/3/2026 |
| Y’all don’t know what it was like before memes. One Billy Madison joke had to last you like 5 years. | (0) |
| Humor | 1/3/2026 |
| When is it okay to be a helicopter parent? When your child works in aviation. | (0) |
| Helicopters, Parents | 1/3/2026 |
| I took my driving test and got 8 out of 10. The other two jumped out of the way. | (0) |
| Driving | 1/3/2026 |
| What do you call it when two tennis players are dating? Courtship. | (0) |
| Relationships, Tennis | 1/3/2026 |
| What happens when you play Super Mario Brothers backwards? It’s a story of a plumber who abandons his girlfriend, eats a lot of mushrooms, and his life gets progressively easier. | (0) |
| Mario, Video games | 1/3/2026 |
| As I get older, my wife says I look more and more like an ogre. I guess it’s my Shrek‘s appeal. | (0) |
| Ogres | 1/3/2026 |
| I used to wonder how people could fail an open-book test, and then I joined a sports parent group chat, and it all made sense. | (0) |
| Parenting, Sports | 1/3/2026 |
| If the Mario coin noise happened every time I did a task, maybe I would do more. | (0) |
| Mario, Video games | 1/3/2026 |
| Remember, you can pretend to be a girl all you want but you're still going to need a prostate exam at the age of 40. | (0) |
| Genders | 1/3/2026 |
| The fact that walls get dusty is ridiculous. You are vertical, act like it. | (0) |
| Cleaning, Dust | 1/3/2026 |
| Ignorance can be educated, crazy can be medicated, but there’s no cure for stupid. | (0) |
| Intelligence | 1/3/2026 |
| I killed nine vampires, eight zombies, and seven witches yesterday. It was weird how they all kept dropping candy. | (0) |
| Halloween, Monsters | 1/3/2026 |
| If you are ambitious, you should set the bar really high. Unless you’re playing limbo. | (0) |
| Limbo | 1/3/2026 |
| I got caught riding an elephant on the street. They arrested me for trunk driving. | (0) |
| Animals, Elephants | 1/3/2026 |
| I was once asked to design a cemetery and it was a bit of a maze. Lots of dead ends. | (0) |
| Cemeteries | 1/3/2026 |
| Why should you put lipstick on your forehead? To help you make up your mind. | (0) |
| Make up | 1/3/2026 |
| If you’re not in shape, remember to keep your chin up. Because if you look down, you’ll have two. | (0) |
| Fitness, Health | 1/3/2026 |
| Do you know what really ticks off band directors? A metronome. | (0) |
| Music | 1/3/2026 |
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