WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
Joke | Likes |
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Tags | Date ![]() |
Isn’t it weird to think people who are 5 feet tall are only 5 Subway sandwiches long? | ![]() ![]() |
Height, Sandwiches | 3/22/2025 |
Things I love about my wife: waking up to all 10 full-volume alarms spread five minutes apart from repeatedly hitting the snooze button. | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
My wife asked what she should do when the car says it’s hot. I said “Tell it you have a headache.” | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday. | ![]() ![]() |
Cars, Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy. | ![]() ![]() |
Happiness, Medicine | 3/22/2025 |
“I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing…watch you smile while you’re sleeping…” was romantic for Aerosmith but a restraining order for the rest of us. | ![]() ![]() |
Lyrics, Songs | 3/22/2025 |
I’m almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one. | ![]() ![]() |
Math, Money | 3/22/2025 |
3 things that always tell the truth - small children, drunk people & yoga pants. | ![]() ![]() |
Truth | 3/22/2025 |
When I die, I’m going to come back and haunt my children with messages on tiny sticky pieces of paper. I called them ghost-it notes. | ![]() ![]() |
Ghosts | 3/22/2025 |
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!" | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen wondering why on earth you couldn't just text me. | ![]() ![]() |
Phones | 3/22/2025 |
What do you call a cup of coffee that offers mild insults? Light roast. | ![]() ![]() |
Coffee | 3/22/2025 |
Any song gets better if you replace the word girl with squirrel. Go ahead and try it. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Songs, Squirrels | 3/22/2025 |
To make a long story short, I became an editor. | ![]() ![]() |
Writing | 3/22/2025 |
I asked to switch seats on an airplane because I was next to a crying baby. Apparently that doesn’t work if the baby is yours. | ![]() ![]() |
Airplanes, Babies | 3/22/2025 |
I kept sending my friend Lego puns, so he blocked me. | ![]() ![]() |
Legos | 3/22/2025 |
Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One of them says "Eat the chocolate" and the other one says "You heard him, eat the chocolate." | ![]() ![]() |
Chocolate, Food | 3/22/2025 |
The other day I got to witness a cornea transplant surgery. It was pretty eye-opening. | ![]() ![]() |
Eyes | 3/22/2025 |
I got new neighbours today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 19 families did. | ![]() ![]() |
Music, Neighbors | 3/22/2025 |
Where is the best place to grow corn, Red Hot chili peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, and Black Eyed Peas? In a sound garden. | ![]() ![]() |
Music | 3/22/2025 |
What kind of doctor encourages you to pick your nose? A plastic surgeon. | ![]() ![]() |
Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
My boss said he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me. | ![]() ![]() |
Posturr, Work | 3/22/2025 |
Where is the best place to find a legit fortune teller? At a bank. | ![]() ![]() |
Banks, Fortunes | 3/22/2025 |
Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot? | ![]() ![]() |
Farts, Sneezes | 3/22/2025 |
Due to privacy policies, my doctor can’t call patients by name, so they said “We are now ready to see the lady with hemorrhoids.” | ![]() ![]() |
Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few poops behind. | ![]() ![]() |
Food, Weight | 3/22/2025 |
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck. | ![]() ![]() |
Luck, Plants | 3/22/2025 |
I used to be scared of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it. | ![]() ![]() |
Speedbumps | 3/22/2025 |
I press so many of my wife’s buttons, but why can’t mute be one of them? | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
When I go to someone’s house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors. | ![]() ![]() |
Hospitality | 3/22/2025 |
If there was a pill that could cure procrastination, I probably wouldn’t take it until tomorrow. | ![]() ![]() |
Procrastination | 3/22/2025 |
A 72-hour hold in a psych ward is starting to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity. | ![]() ![]() |
Vacation | 3/22/2025 |
What happens when you seize the wrong day? Crappy diem. | ![]() ![]() |
Latin | 3/22/2025 |
If poison expires, is it no longer poisonous or is it more poisonous? | ![]() ![]() |
Poison | 3/22/2025 |
I’d humans evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys today? | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Monkeys | 3/22/2025 |
I don’t understand why they are called pairing knives. I find it really hard to use more than one at a time. | ![]() ![]() |
Knives | 3/22/2025 |
I’m reading a really compelling book about an immortal dog. It’s impossible to put down. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Dogs | 3/22/2025 |
Do you know the street name of the periodic table? It’s the Atoms Family. | ![]() ![]() |
Science | 3/22/2025 |
Little Red Riding Hood was found unconscious. She’s stable now, but not out of the woods yet. | ![]() ![]() |
Little Red Riding Hood | 3/22/2025 |
I hate when I turn on my car in the morning and the music starts blasting, and I’m like “Whoa big fella, I’m not the same person I was last night.” | ![]() ![]() |
Cars | 3/22/2025 |
I tried to walk like an Egyptian, and now I need to see a Cairo practor. | ![]() ![]() |
Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
We have cooking shows with kids, but the kids never get to judge. Just once I would like to see a kid tell an Iron Chef that his duck confit is yucky and smells like a bard bucket, then demand a hot dog. | ![]() ![]() |
Children, Cooking | 3/22/2025 |
Did you know that stealing someone else’s coffee is called mugging? | ![]() ![]() |
Coffee | 3/22/2025 |
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for tomorrow. | ![]() ![]() |
Cremation, Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
Why does every cart at Wal-Mart need a front end alignment and a tire rotation? | ![]() ![]() |
Shopping, Wal-Mart | 3/22/2025 |
The upside of dating is it makes dying alone seem not all that bad. | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
You call them red flags, I call them 10 fun facts you didn't know about me. | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
I don’t understand why Subway is asking for a tip. We literally made this sandwich together. | ![]() ![]() |
Food, Tipping | 3/8/2025 |
Beware: The phrase 'Don't take this the wrong way' has a 0% success rate. | ![]() ![]() |
Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
Whenever I get a paper cut, the universe seems to send me an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit and salty snacks. | ![]() ![]() |
Cuts, Food | 3/8/2025 |
I’m not crazy…I have great stability: the ability to stab. | ![]() ![]() |
Crazy | 3/8/2025 |
Why is it that flies can find their way into your house through a 2MM crack, but can’t find their way out even if you take off an entire side of the house? | ![]() ![]() |
Bugs, Flies | 3/8/2025 |
The student that graduates with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. I want to hear both sides. | ![]() ![]() |
Graduation | 3/8/2025 |
Ever had one of those days where you’re holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata? | ![]() ![]() |
Anger, Piñatas | 3/8/2025 |
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner. | ![]() ![]() |
Gambling | 3/8/2025 |
Some of you aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. | ![]() ![]() |
Crazy | 3/8/2025 |
If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, it’s only 73 pounds on Mars. You’re not fat, you’re just on the wrong planet. | ![]() ![]() |
Space, Weight | 3/8/2025 |
Why don’t fish like to play basketball? Because they’re afraid of the net. | ![]() ![]() |
Basketball, Fish | 3/8/2025 |
I once met a farmer who was too scared to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear. | ![]() ![]() |
Farming | 3/8/2025 |
Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No, I need to buy more stuff. I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far. | ![]() ![]() |
Shopping | 3/8/2025 |
If you use the phrase “We’ve always done it this way,” you should be forced to use a flip phone and a Walkman for a year. | ![]() ![]() |
Change | 3/8/2025 |
My golf game can best be described as hit and miss. | ![]() ![]() |
Golf, Sports | 3/8/2025 |
It’s a good thing that Sean Connery never did a Citibank commercial! | ![]() ![]() |
Actors, Banks | 3/8/2025 |
This generation is so lazy that you could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up and quit. | ![]() ![]() |
Laziness, Work | 3/8/2025 |
You know, any machine can be a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough. | ![]() ![]() |
Smoke | 3/8/2025 |
If you feel lonely, dim all of your lights and watch a horror movie. After a while, it won't feel like you're alone anymore. | ![]() ![]() |
Movies | 3/8/2025 |
What do you call a zombie that makes stir-fry? Dead man woking. | ![]() ![]() |
Zombies | 3/8/2025 |
That feeling you get when the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services, but you can rent it for $4.99. | ![]() ![]() |
Movies, TV | 3/8/2025 |
If Disney World makes a ride out of the movie Inside Out, it would literally be an emotional roller coaster. | ![]() ![]() |
Disney, Rides | 3/8/2025 |
Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I’m capable of. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Birds, Wings | 3/8/2025 |
They say with age comes wisdom, therefore I don’t have wrinkles, I have wise cracks. | ![]() ![]() |
Age, Wisdom | 3/8/2025 |
A raccoon stopped me and said: “I’m not judging you, but you sure throw away a lot of salad while the Cheetos bag is always empty.” | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Food, Raccoons, Trash | 3/8/2025 |
My girlfriend broke up with me and said she needed more space. That’s when I stopped using college ruled paper. | ![]() ![]() |
Paper, Space | 3/8/2025 |
My daughter said she can’t stand playing piano anymore. Too many Bach issues. | ![]() ![]() |
Piano | 3/8/2025 |
What is a snowman‘s favorite way to travel? With an icicle. | ![]() ![]() |
Snowmen | 3/8/2025 |
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals | 3/8/2025 |
You know what’s ironic? I went to the library to learn about how the credit system works, but all the books were out on loan. | ![]() ![]() |
Books, Loans | 3/8/2025 |
I told my wife I wanted to grow some fruit, and I’m going to start with a pineapple. She said I should grow a pear. | ![]() ![]() |
Fruit | 3/8/2025 |
Apparently you have to eat healthy more than one to get into shape. This is cruel and unfair. | ![]() ![]() |
Fitness | 3/8/2025 |
Did you know that penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers produce heat? That’s right, the oily bird gets the warm. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Birds, Penguins | 3/8/2025 |
Do you know what I find really appealing? Eating oranges. | ![]() ![]() |
Food, Oranges | 3/8/2025 |
Why is the equals sign so humble? Because it knows it’s not any better or worse than anything else. | ![]() ![]() |
Math | 3/8/2025 |
Did you hear about the guy who ate 6 large cans of alphabet soup? Biggest vowel movement ever. | ![]() ![]() |
Soup | 3/8/2025 |
You know what I strive for whenever I play golf? To be sub-par. | ![]() ![]() |
Golf | 3/8/2025 |
You know who is the best at quiet quitting? Judges. When they retire, they just stop trying. | ![]() ![]() |
Judges, Work | 3/8/2025 |
Some people stir coffee with their right hand, and others with their left. But most just use a spoon. | ![]() ![]() |
Coffee, Spoons | 3/8/2025 |
Did you hear about the controversy at the wheelchair basketball championships? They found trace amounts of WD-40 in the home team’s locker room. | ![]() ![]() |
Basketball | 3/8/2025 |
I don’t understand why we can’t call in healthy to work too. “Look, I feel great and I don’t want to waste it by coming into work.” | ![]() ![]() |
Work | 3/8/2025 |
Do you know why Teslas are so expensive? I’ve heard it’s because they charge a lot. | ![]() ![]() |
Cars, Tesla | 3/8/2025 |
Whenever I want to share a secret, I have to take off my watch. Because time will tell. | ![]() ![]() |
Time | 3/8/2025 |
What do you call a girl who is bad at drawing? Tracy. | ![]() ![]() |
Names | 3/8/2025 |
Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I asked my wife for her phone number and she told me to get lost! | ![]() ![]() |
Drinking, Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
You're not a dedicated parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early. | ![]() ![]() |
Parenting | 3/8/2025 |
If Walmart opened a dental office in its stores, there would be an express lane for people with ten teeth or less. | ![]() ![]() |
Teeth, Walmart | 3/8/2025 |
If Fred had 45 chocolate bars and eats 40 of them, what does he have? Diabetes. | ![]() ![]() |
Chocolate, Diabetes | 3/8/2025 |
Why do ducks have flat feet? So they can extinguish forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can extinguish the flaming ducks. | ![]() ![]() |
Animals, Ducks, Elephants | 3/8/2025 |
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because A-shells and B-shells don’t fit. | ![]() ![]() |
Mermaids | 3/8/2025 |
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. | ![]() ![]() |
Kindness | 3/8/2025 |
I love Chick-fil-A! I could eat there 24-6! | ![]() ![]() |
Restaurants | 3/8/2025 |
What kind of snack do computers like to eat? A microchip. | ![]() ![]() |
Computers | 3/8/2025 |