WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| My girlfriend said I have to choose between her and my demanding career as a journalist. I have some breaking news for her. |   (0) |
| Relationships, Reporters | 12/7/2024 |
| What kind of beer do spiders like to drink? Bug light. | (0) |
| Beer, Spiders | 12/7/2024 |
| Why do Buddhists make terrible cashiers? Because when you hand them cash, all they say is “change comes from within.” | (0) |
| Buddhists, Cashiers | 12/7/2024 |
| When I yell at a squirrel not to chance crossing the road, I think that’s probably how my guardian angel must be thinking 24-7. | (0) |
| Angels, Animals, Squirrels | 12/7/2024 |
| What do you call an important appointment that has been canceled? A disappointment. | (0) |
| Words | 12/7/2024 |
| Why is it so difficult to become a magician? Because the test is full of trick questions. | (0) |
| Magicians | 12/7/2024 |
| I bought a calculator that is missing a key. Somebody took the minus a little too literally. | (0) |
| Calculators, Math | 12/7/2024 |
| You shouldn’t watch Ghostbusters on Netflix in Hulu at the same time. You might cross the streams. | (0) |
| ghostbusters, Streaming | 12/7/2024 |
| Where do lawyers like to eat lunch? At the food court. | (0) |
| Food, Lawyers | 12/7/2024 |
| My wife dropped a basket of laundry, and yelled at me for just standing there watching it all unfold. | (0) |
| Laundry | 12/7/2024 |
| You know what helps break the ice on a first date? A snowcone maker. | (0) |
| Ice, Snowcones | 12/7/2024 |
| I’ve recently taken up drats. It’s a lot like darts, but I miss a lot. | (0) |
| Darts | 12/7/2024 |
| My two year-old son swallowed 10 horse figurines. He’s doing well, doctor say his condition is stable. | (0) |
| Animals, Horses | 12/7/2024 |
| Do you know why I like traveling with grizzlies? Because they only carry the bare necessities. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears, Traveling | 12/7/2024 |
| Chickens have a very limited vocabulary. They struggle to think outside the bocks. | (0) |
| Animals, Chickens | 12/7/2024 |
| My favorite thing to do on Black Friday is to get a really close parking spot at the mall and sit there with my reverse lights on for a few hours. | (0) |
| Parking, Shopping | 12/7/2024 |
| I like to build bikes out of all kinds of spare parts. I call it recycling. | (0) |
| Bikes | 12/7/2024 |
| At the bar last night, this guy got his nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at darts. | (0) |
| Darts, Piercings | 12/7/2024 |
| Did you know you can tell the age of a fake Christmas try just by counting the rings of tape on the box? | (0) |
| Christmas, Trees | 12/7/2024 |
| You can be your own Secret Santa with just some tequila and Amazon Prime… | (0) |
| Christmas, Santa, Tequila | 12/7/2024 |
| My wife spent six months researching different vacuums, and one time I bought a new car because the guy on the commercial had the same kind of dog that I did. | (0) |
| Relationships, Shopping | 12/7/2024 |
| My teacher said practice makes perfect but then she said nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. | (0) |
| School | 12/7/2024 |
| My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. But the second was kind of a letdown. | (0) |
| Elevators | 12/7/2024 |
| My brain just logged me off due to inactivity, and I can’t remember the password… | (0) |
| Passwords | 12/7/2024 |
| When you’ve given up all hope, just remember the lobsters in the tanks at the restaurants on the Titanic. | (0) |
| Hope, Lobsters, Titanic | 12/7/2024 |
| I thought it would be a good idea to have a clock implanted in my brain. But now I’m having second thoughts. | (0) |
| Brain, Clocks | 12/7/2024 |
| I bought my wife a mood ring and I learned that it turns black when she’s annoyed. I’m not yet sure what other colors it can turn into. | (0) |
| Moods, Relationships, Rings | 12/7/2024 |
| Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets. | (0) |
| Books, Scrolls, Tablets | 12/7/2024 |
| What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck | (0) |
| Luck, Plants | 12/7/2024 |
| Where can you get some good Indian food and a Diet Coke? A naan and pop restaurant. | (0) |
| Food, Restaurants | 12/7/2024 |
| I was really nervous for a big test, and I accidentally ate several balloons. Luckily, I passed with flying colors. | (0) |
| Balloons, Colors, Tests | 12/7/2024 |
| Why couldn’t the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck. | (0) |
| Cards, Sailors | 12/7/2024 |
| If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion. Or my rhombus of doubt. | (0) |
| Friends, Shapes | 12/7/2024 |
| If you take a nap, consider yourself a hero. It takes real courage to wake up twice in one day. | (0) |
| Naps, Sleep | 12/7/2024 |
| Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other poop, and wondering what each other has in their mouth. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 12/7/2024 |
| Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries. | (0) |
| Christmas, Dictionaries, Santa | 12/7/2024 |
| My wife said she thinks our son got his intelligence from her. I told her, “Probably, I still have mine.” | (0) |
| Children, Intelligence, Relationships | 12/7/2024 |
| My wife said if I got her a crappy Christmas present, she’d burn it. So I got her a candle. | (0) |
| Christmas, Gifts, Relationships | 12/7/2024 |
| Why is E the only letter to get a gift from Santa? All the others were not E. | (0) |
| Christmas, Letters, Santa | 12/7/2024 |
| I just saw a homeless man with a sign that said “One day it could be you” so I put my dollar back in my pocket in case he was right. | (0) |
| Homeless | 12/7/2024 |
| I don’t procrastinate, I wait until the last possible second so I will be older and wiser. | (0) |
| Procrastination, Wisdom | 12/7/2024 |
| What do you call a fraudulent company that supposedly makes leather jackets for teenagers? Fonzi scheme. | (0) |
| Clothes, Fonzi, Fraud | 12/7/2024 |
| I just learned the cows kill more people than sharks. How in the heck does a cow kill a shark? | (0) |
| Animals, Cows, Sharks | 12/7/2024 |
| My math teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a calculator, and a ruler. The police charged her with possession of weapons of math instruction. | (0) |
| Math, School | 12/7/2024 |
| What do most kids major in at military schools? General studies. | (0) |
| Military, School | 12/7/2024 |
| I watch so many crime programs that when I turn off the TV, I wipe my fingerprints off the remote! | (0) |
| Crime, TV | 12/7/2024 |
| Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians? They didn't have reservations. | (0) |
| Indians, Pilgrims, Thanksgiving | 12/7/2024 |
| Have you ever wondered if ironing boards were just surfboards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got real jobs? | (0) |
| Irons, Surfing | 12/7/2024 |
| My son said he wanted a girlfriend, and I said to go toTarget. There are already a bunch of women looking for things they don’t need. | (0) |
| Relationships | 12/7/2024 |
| My psychiatrist likes to do karaoke at a hip-hop club. His stage name is Shrink Rap. | (0) |
| Doctors, Music | 12/7/2024 |
| I started a website called lonely fans. But so far, I’m the only user. | (0) |
| Websites | 12/7/2024 |
| I want to have a Journey cover band sing Don’t Stop Bereavin’ at my funeral. | (0) |
| Funerals, Music | 12/7/2024 |
| If you are dreaming and stumble upon a toilet, trust me, don’t use it. | (0) |
| Sleep, Toilets | 12/7/2024 |
| If you want a muscle car, just take off the wheels. Then it will be jacked! | (0) |
| Cars | 12/7/2024 |
| How do snowman get around? Via icicles! | (0) |
| Snowmen | 12/7/2024 |
| My dad is a pilot and plays on the company’s softball team. He can’t hit ground balls because…pop flies. | (0) |
| Baseball, Pilots | 12/7/2024 |
| I used to live in an inflatable house, and it was punctured. Now I live in a flat. | (0) |
| Houses | 12/7/2024 |
| Once there was a king who liked to play poker, even while he was on the toilet. He even got a royal flush! | (0) |
| Kings, Toilets | 12/7/2024 |
| You know what makes me wanna throw up? A dartboard on the ceiling. | (0) |
| Darts | 12/7/2024 |
| I gave my friend an apple, and she told me she preferred pears. So I gave her another apple. | (0) |
| Food, Fruit | 12/7/2024 |
| Why do witches wear name tags? So they can tell which witch is which. | (0) |
| Witches | 12/7/2024 |
| My friend is a professional sleepwalker. He is living the dream. | (0) |
| Dreams, Sleep, Work | 12/7/2024 |
| My son was scared to tell me that he failed his history exam. I told him not to worry, it’s all in the past. | (0) |
| History, School | 12/7/2024 |
| What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. | (0) |
| Trees | 12/7/2024 |
| What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky. | (0) |
| Animals, Thanksgiving, Turkeys | 12/7/2024 |
| What do you call the first person to dig into the desserts on Thanksgiving? The Pi-oneer. | (0) |
| Dessert, Thanksgiving | 12/7/2024 |
| I used to hope only good things would happen to me. Now I just hope whatever bad happens is at least funny. | (1) |
| Humor, Luck | 12/7/2024 |
| Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent. | (0) |
| Popularity | 12/7/2024 |
| You know what’s ironic? The object of golf…is to play the least amount of golf possible. | (0) |
| Golf, Sports | 12/7/2024 |
| You know what inspires me to get out of bed in the morning? Usually, it’s my bladder. | (2) |
| Inspiration, Sleep | 11/24/2024 |
| Did you hear about the major coin shortage? America is really lacking common sense. | (0) |
| Logic, Money | 11/24/2024 |
| Caller: it doesn’t have a tail so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster. Tech Support: Okay fine right-click the hamster. | (0) |
| Computers, Technology | 11/24/2024 |
| Nothing tops a plain pizza! | (0) |
| Food, Pizza | 11/24/2024 |
| Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers. | (0) |
| Exercise, Laughter | 11/24/2024 |
| Not all math puns are bad, just sum of them. | (0) |
| Math | 11/24/2024 |
| No one has more on their to-do list than a child that’s just been told it’s time for bed. | (0) |
| Children, Sleep | 11/24/2024 |
| I hate hotel towels. They’re so thick and fluffy, I can’t even close my suitcase. | (0) |
| Hotels, Towels, Travel | 11/24/2024 |
| My wife can’t figure out why I am obsessed with collecting coins. She can’t make heads or tails of it. | (0) |
| Coins, Money | 11/24/2024 |
| Apparently, hanging out alone and drinking beer, not bothering people…actually bothers people. | (0) |
| Alcohol, Beer | 11/24/2024 |
| Just because I give you advice, doesn’t mean I know more than you. It just means I’ve done more stupid stuff. | (0) |
| Wisdom | 11/24/2024 |
| If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? | (0) |
| Banks, Money, Trees | 11/24/2024 |
| Please don’t invite me to go out to eat with you if you always tend to end up speaking with the manager. | (0) |
| Relationships, Restaurants | 11/24/2024 |
| I bet someone’s mom used me as a bad example when I was young. | (0) |
| Children | 11/24/2024 |
| Salons always have hair on the floor, and garages always have oil on the floor. So what’s the problem at banks? | (0) |
| Banks, Money | 11/24/2024 |
| Why did the farmer have a priest come pray over his avocados? So he could make holy guacamole! | (0) |
| Avocados, Farmers, Food, Priests | 11/24/2024 |
| The police department just hired a gnome. He’s in charge of lawn enforcement. | (0) |
| 1Police, Gnomes | 11/24/2024 |
| Ironically, bees seem to be allergic to pollen. When they are exposed to pollen, they develop hives. | (0) |
| Animals, Bees | 11/24/2024 |
| Do you know where the phrase “you can hear a pin drop” makes no sense? A bowling alley! | (0) |
| Bowling | 11/24/2024 |
| I would have really been successful in school if the kids I sat next to would have applied themselves… | (0) |
| Children, School | 11/24/2024 |
| Why we need self-driving cars: people tailgate thinking it will make the person three cars ahead go faster… | (0) |
| AI, Cars, Driving | 11/24/2024 |
| Friendly reminder: unless your turkey is applying for a passport, there’s no need to take a picture of it at Thanksgiving. | (0) |
| Animals, Food, Thanksgiving, Turkey | 11/24/2024 |
| If thieves wear sneakers, and artists wear sketchers, then linguists must wear converse. | (0) |
| Shoes | 11/24/2024 |
| Right before my vasectomy, my doctor told me we wouldn’t have kids anymore. But when I got home, they were still there. | (0) |
| Children, Doctors | 11/24/2024 |
| Four out of five people do not like revolving doors. But don’t worry, they’ll come around. | (0) |
| Doors | 11/24/2024 |
| What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly? Stationary. | (0) |
| Paper, Planes | 11/24/2024 |
| Did you know you can turn any sofa into a sofa bed just by telling your wife to calm down? | (0) |
| Relationships | 11/24/2024 |
| Nothing frustrates me more than pulling up to my job and seeing that the building is still standing. | (0) |
| Work | 11/24/2024 |
| Chuck Norris’ first word was in Morse code. From his mother’s womb. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris | 11/24/2024 |
| Trees aren’t terribly bright. They don’t let a lot of sunshine through, and they easily get stumped. | (0) |
| Trees | 11/24/2024 |
| You call it OCD, I call it put stuff back where you found it. | (0) |
| Responsibility | 11/24/2024 |
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