WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15, so I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window, and I bought it for $4.50! |   (2) |
| Laundry | 5/24/2025 |
| Nothing humbles a person faster than opening a SQL query they wrote six months ago. | (0) |
| Programming | 5/24/2025 |
| My evening plans include watching the vegan couple next door argue about the Big Mac wrapper that I tossed into the back seat of their car. | (0) |
| Vegans | 5/24/2025 |
| Do you know how the cops catch a meth dealer? They set a speed trap. | (0) |
| Drugs, Police | 5/24/2025 |
| Someone left a concert flyer on my windshield. There’s a band called Parking Violation playing at the courthouse! | (0) |
| Bands, Driving | 5/24/2025 |
| If you work both shifts at McDonalds, you just pulled a McDouble. | (0) |
| McDonalds, Work | 5/24/2025 |
| My wife asked me to buy her a drink with her name on it. She doesn’t seem to appreciate the Zero-Sugar Monster I picked up for her. | (0) |
| Drinks, Relationships | 5/24/2025 |
| To all my haters, I hope you have to pee three times tonight but only wake up twice! | (0) |
| Revenge | 5/24/2025 |
| When I was a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz. I always wondered how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got on social media. | (0) |
| Intelligence, Social media | 5/24/2025 |
| There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire and watching the evidence burn. | (0) |
| Evidence, Fire | 5/24/2025 |
| Ladies: you know, making us sleep on the couch isn’t all that bad. In fact, it’s kind of manly…feels like we are camping. With a really angry bear nearby. | (0) |
| Camping, Relationships | 5/24/2025 |
| Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Seriously, who's not buying it? | (0) |
| Toilet paper | 5/24/2025 |
| What do you get when you combine a Mustang and an elephant? A convertible with a big trunk. | (0) |
| Animals, Cars, Elephants | 5/24/2025 |
| Icebreakers are a great way to reduce tension. Unless you’re at a hockey game. | (0) |
| Hockey, Ice | 5/24/2025 |
| The only thing fair in life is a ball hit between first and third base. | (0) |
| Baseball, Fairness, Life | 5/24/2025 |
| A blue whale’s butthole can stretch to over 3 feet, making it the second largest on the planet - just behind people who talk on speakerphone in public. | (0) |
| Jerks, Whales | 5/24/2025 |
| Why do I have to prove I’m me to pay bills over the phone? Do strangers really call to pay my bills? And if so, why don’t you just let them? | (0) |
| Bills, Money | 5/24/2025 |
| Nothing brings neighbors together quite like police cars in front of another neighbor's house. | (0) |
| Neighbors, Police | 5/24/2025 |
| I’ve picked up lots of skills during all my years at work, but learning when I shouldn’t make sarcastic comments is not one of them. | (0) |
| Sarcasm, Work | 5/24/2025 |
| During breakfast, my son asked what happened to Cap’n Crunch when he died. “Well son, I think they berried him.” | (0) |
| Cereal | 5/24/2025 |
| I’ll never forget the look on the cashier’s face when she scanned a bag of bird seed and I asked her how long does it take the birds to grow once I plant them. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds | 5/24/2025 |
| If you drop a dollar bill on a windy day and chase it, you’ll probably get a good run for your money. | (0) |
| Cash | 5/24/2025 |
| What is a dentist’s favorite game to play? Tooth or dare. | (0) |
| Dentistry, Teeth | 5/24/2025 |
| The world‘s longest drum solo was six hours and 25 minutes. I know this because it was a kid behind me on a flight to Toronto. | (0) |
| Children, Drums | 5/24/2025 |
| I ordered white sourdough bread from the bakery, but they gave me a dart brown loaf instead. Something went a rye. | (0) |
| Bread | 5/24/2025 |
| Isn’t it amazing how an 86-second nap in the car can fuel a 4-year-old for 48 hours straight? | (0) |
| Children, Naps | 5/24/2025 |
| is it just me, or does President Trump accepting that jet from another country just seem plane wrong? | (0) |
| Planes | 5/24/2025 |
| Sometimes you have to get rid of a fly with a sledgehammer. It’s not about the fly, it’s about the flies that are watching. | (0) |
| Flies, Insects | 5/24/2025 |
| The toughest decision a woman has to make when getting a new phone is whether to set up Face ID with makeup or without it. | (0) |
| Makeup, Phones | 5/24/2025 |
| For my birthday, my dad got me an a.m. radio. I guess he doesn’t realize I never get up that early. | (0) |
| Morning, Radios | 5/24/2025 |
| Some girl was obnoxiously bragging by posting her plane ticket on Instagram so I called and cancelled her flight. | (0) |
| Planes, Social media | 5/24/2025 |
| Medical students hate the final exam on kidney stones. It’s the hardest one to pass. | (0) |
| Exams, Kidneys | 5/24/2025 |
| I hate it that donut shops cut a hole in my donut and then charge me separately for the very hole they robbed me of. | (0) |
| Donuts | 5/24/2025 |
| Don’t you hate it when people can’t let go of the past?!? Debt collectors are the worst. | (0) |
| Debt | 5/24/2025 |
| You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. | (0) |
| Skydiving | 5/24/2025 |
| When people say, "You look so familiar," respond with "Were we in prison together?" It’s a great way to be left alone. | (0) |
| Conversations, Prison | 5/24/2025 |
| How is it that hard shell tacos survive the factory, the delivery trucks, the stores, and then break as soon as you put something inside them? | (0) |
| Food, Tacos | 5/24/2025 |
| Did you know that James Gandolfini (The Sopranos lead) was considered for the role of Jack in Titanic? The producers ultimately said it felt less like a tragic love story and more like the iceberg owed him money. | (0) |
| Movies, Titanic | 5/24/2025 |
| The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark. | (0) |
| Animals, People | 5/24/2025 |
| I wanted to learn how to sew, but it’s not as easy as it seams. | (0) |
| Sewing | 5/24/2025 |
| I told my dad I was feeling depressed, and he said “Don’t worry son, the winds of change are coming.” Then he threw a bunch of quarters, and nickels, and dimes at me. | (0) |
| Change | 5/24/2025 |
| If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them that the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you. | (0) |
| Children, School | 5/24/2025 |
| What do you call it when you have rice for dinner three nights in a row? Thrice. | (0) |
| Food, Rice | 5/24/2025 |
| My mom: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster. Tech support: *sigh* Fine. Right-click on your hamster. | (0) |
| Computers, Mice | 5/24/2025 |
| How come there is enough asphalt to make so many speed bumps, but not enough to fill all the potholes? | (0) |
| Roads | 5/24/2025 |
| Be careful when you ask people if braille is difficult to learn. It’s a touchy subject. | (0) |
| Braille | 5/24/2025 |
| I hopped on the treadmill at the gym, but everybody was staring at me. So I started running instead. | (0) |
| Exercise, Running | 5/24/2025 |
| I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor. Best game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever seen! | (0) |
| Candy, Weight | 5/24/2025 |
| Drinking a large amount of water isn’t just good for your health, it helps you avoid other people‘s drama because you’re too busy peeing. | (0) |
| Drama, Water | 5/24/2025 |
| I wish airports would filter security and boarding lines by those who have literally never been to an airport before and everyone else. | (0) |
| Airports | 5/24/2025 |
| I told my teacher that my dog ate my homework. He said, “Nice try, this is a computer science class.” Me: Yeah, it took him a couple of bytes. | (0) |
| Homework | 5/24/2025 |
| I scored an 8 out of 10 on my drivers test. The other two barely jumped out of the way. | (0) |
| Driving | 5/24/2025 |
| My neighbor can tell the temperature of a flame by its color. He's a fire distinguisher. | (0) |
| Fire | 5/24/2025 |
| Feeling like a bad parent? Just remember: Raccoons literally toss their babies at predators to save themselves. You're doing great! | (0) |
| Animals, Parenting, Raccoons | 5/24/2025 |
| A good way to prepare yourself for parenthood is to talk to a lot of rocks because they have similar listening habits. | (0) |
| Parenting | 5/24/2025 |
| I’m not racist, I love all races. Except marathons…running sucks. | (0) |
| Exercise, Races | 5/10/2025 |
| I forgot to pay for my monthly Scrabble club subscription. Now they’re sending me threatening letters. | (0) |
| Letters, Scrabble | 5/10/2025 |
| What is the pope’s favorite football game to watch? Saints vs. Cardinals. | (0) |
| Football, Pope | 5/10/2025 |
| If someone tells you to follow your dreams, make sure you have a comfortable pillow so you can get back to sleep quickly. | (0) |
| Dreams | 5/10/2025 |
| These tariffs seem to be working out better than expected. Even the pope is made in America. | (0) |
| Pope, Tariffs | 5/10/2025 |
| When someone says they did something “like a boss,” I assume they did nothing and just took credit for someone else's work. | (0) |
| Bosses, Work | 5/10/2025 |
| I can’t dance to save my life, but the moment I step in dog poop, I moonwalk better than Michael Jackson. | (0) |
| Dancing, Poop | 5/10/2025 |
| My son said that when he hits 99 pounds, he’s going to eat an entire pound of nachos so he can be 1% nacho. | (0) |
| Food, Weight | 5/10/2025 |
| What do you call a poem about the bottom of the ocean? Pretty deep. | (0) |
| Poetry | 5/10/2025 |
| What happens when you read six pages from the dictionary? You learn next to nothing. | (0) |
| Reading | 5/10/2025 |
| Do you want to know why my friend became a chopper pilot? Because he had helicopter parents growing up. | (0) |
| Parenting | 5/10/2025 |
| I feel bad for the people who have to review my phone calls for training and quality purposes when I’m drunk. | (0) |
| Customer service | 5/10/2025 |
| “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing, but not at a funeral. | (0) |
| Funerals, Sorrow | 5/10/2025 |
| Technically, all of the money that you spend on food gets flushed down the toilet. | (0) |
| Food, Poop, Toilets | 5/10/2025 |
| In 1920, we took children out of the coal mines. In 2020, the most popular video game is Minecraft. The children yearn for the mines. | (0) |
| Children, Mines | 5/10/2025 |
| My therapist says I’m fixated on revenge. We’ll see about that. | (0) |
| Revenge | 5/10/2025 |
| Everyone told Beethoven he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen? | (0) |
| Music | 5/10/2025 |
| The worst character in Harry Potter was Nearly Headless Nick. He was just poorly executed. | (0) |
| Executions, Harry Potter | 5/10/2025 |
| I had to quit my job as a taxi driver. Too many people talking behind my back. | (0) |
| Taxis | 5/10/2025 |
| What do you find in the middle of nowhere? The letter H. | (0) |
| Words | 5/10/2025 |
| To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, just remember - you’re not alone. | (0) |
| Paranoia | 5/10/2025 |
| If you are being chased by a serial killer, you’re both running for your life. | (0) |
| Crazy | 5/10/2025 |
| Never play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket. | (0) |
| Music, Tennis | 5/10/2025 |
| The best way to cope with your problems is to add new ones to distract you from the old ones. | (0) |
| Problems, Stress | 5/10/2025 |
| What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s just been asked what is in their mouth. | (0) |
| Children, Toddlers | 5/10/2025 |
| If you could read my mind, you would back away slowly and run for your life. | (0) |
| Craziness | 5/10/2025 |
| Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 5/10/2025 |
| What do you call someone who can’t stand burnt bread? Black toast intolerant. | (0) |
| Food, Toast | 5/10/2025 |
| Did you know that in an alternate universe, drinking water through a straw is called snorkeling? | (0) |
| Snorkeling, Straws | 5/10/2025 |
| Flat earthers have nothing to fear but sphere itself. | (0) |
| Earth | 5/10/2025 |
| After one shot of bourbon, I can drive just fine. But after another one, it’s too whiskey. | (0) |
| Alcohol, Driving | 5/10/2025 |
| If you don't swear while driving, you are probably the reason other people on the road are swearing. | (0) |
| Driving | 5/10/2025 |
| Which celebrity never has to make an appointment? Christopher Walken. | (0) |
| Celebrities | 5/10/2025 |
| I hate when cashiers test to see if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I certainly wouldn't be at a DollarTree. | (0) |
| Money | 5/10/2025 |
| Some people are wise. Some are otherwise. | (0) |
| Stupidity, Wisdom | 5/10/2025 |
| My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 5/10/2025 |
| You matter…unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light. Then you energy. | (0) |
| Physics | 5/10/2025 |
| I got myself a GPS for seniors. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, but it also tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place. | (0) |
| Aging, GPS | 5/10/2025 |
| If anybody wants to know why Gen X is always mad, it's because we had to replace our record collections with a tape collection that we had to replace with a CD collection that we had to replace with an MP3 collection, and now we need a subscription. | (0) |
| Music | 5/10/2025 |
| Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life while laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it. | (0) |
| Relationships | 5/10/2025 |
| When I was young, my dad said I could beat anybody I want. I wish he had told me though that identity theft is a crime. | (0) |
| Identity, Parenting | 5/10/2025 |
| Sometimes my dog is so happy to see me that she pees a little. None of my friends have ever been that happy to see me. | (0) |
| Dogs, Friends | 5/10/2025 |
| Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it fit! It may have been a pair of socks, but a win is a win. | (0) |
| Clothes | 5/10/2025 |
| Courage is knowing that it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard. | (2) |
| Courage, Stupidity | 4/26/2025 |
| Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel easily. | (0) |
| Bananas, Food, Sunscreen | 4/26/2025 |
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