WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Beware of the idiot behind me.” So I followed him for three blocks before I realized he’s right. |   (1) |
| Stupidity | 1/31/2026 |
| It occurred to me today that maybe when the computer asks me if I’m a robot, maybe it’s just looking for its family. | (0) |
| Computers, Robots | 1/31/2026 |
| My friend asked me if a mushroom was poisonous. Here’s what you need to know about mushrooms: all of them are edible, but some of them are only edible once. | (0) |
| Mushrooms | 1/31/2026 |
| People with ADHD: “I am not interrupting you because I’m rude, I’m interrupting you because brain is running on fiber optic and you’re speaking in dial-up.” | (0) |
| ADHD, Thinking | 1/31/2026 |
| They say machines of the future will be as smart as people. But they never said which people, which I think makes a huge difference. | (1) |
| Intelligence, Robots | 1/31/2026 |
| Do you know why the camera adds 15 pounds? Because you’re not supposed to hold it while they’re taking your picture. | (0) |
| Pictures | 1/31/2026 |
| When I was younger, I felt like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body. But then I was born. | (0) |
| Birth | 1/31/2026 |
| What do you call a web browser with only one tab open? Chrome alone. | (0) |
| Browsers | 1/31/2026 |
| What kind of nails do carpenters take to hammer? Fingernails. | (0) |
| Carpenters | 1/31/2026 |
| My friend is so paranoid that he started wearing a tinfoil hat. I don’t know what he’s thinking anymore. | (0) |
| Hats, Paranoia | 1/31/2026 |
| I saw a guy with a hat that said “DON’T BOTHER ME”, so I asked him how much it was and where he got it from. | (1) |
| Hats | 1/31/2026 |
| The invention of the air compressor was revolutionary. Before that, all the tires were flat in the wheels couldn’t turn. | (0) |
| Air, Tires | 1/31/2026 |
| I sent that an ancestry website some information on my family tree. They wrote back and suggested I start over. | (0) |
| Families | 1/31/2026 |
| Due to freezing temperatures, schools are advising parents to wear two pairs of pajamas when picking up their children. | (0) |
| Fashion, School | 1/31/2026 |
| They say kids learn by watching you, yet I’ve never run across the backyard naked while holding a popsicle sideways and yelling at a squirrel. | (0) |
| Children | 1/31/2026 |
| I don’t understand why banks tie up pens with those ball streams. We trust them with all our money, and they can’t even trust us with just one pen? | (0) |
| Banks, Pens | 1/31/2026 |
| Remember when using the stairs to stay on the right when you’re going up and stay on the left and you’re coming down. That way people won’t run into each other. | (0) |
| Stairs | 1/31/2026 |
| When I was young, my dream was to one day use an app that required two-factor authentication just to place an order for a cheeseburger. | (0) |
| Food, Passwords | 1/31/2026 |
| On airplanes, I tend to get really bad ear aches. So this year I tried something new: I booked my wife a seat 10 rows back. | (0) |
| Flights, Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| I want my 13-year-old to understand how important honesty is, but also want her to know that when kids eat free, she is 12. | (0) |
| Children, Honesty | 1/31/2026 |
| I finally got eight hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever. | (0) |
| Sleep | 1/31/2026 |
| Why does the bank leave the vault door wide open, but chains the 25¢ ink pen to the counter? | (0) |
| Banks, Pens | 1/31/2026 |
| I’m going to start calling myself an Olympic hopeful. You don’t even have to fill out a form or anything. | (0) |
| Olympics | 1/31/2026 |
| Pro tip: When you shop at Sam’s or Costco, tell everyone you’re homeless. They won’t try to sell you electricity, water, internet, or cell phones. Bonus points if you dress the part. | (0) |
| Shopping | 1/31/2026 |
| When I hear men refer to themselves as alpha males, it makes me think of software: unstable, missing important features, filled with flaws, and not fit for public. | (0) |
| Alphas, Software | 1/31/2026 |
| My shoe got caught at the bottom of an escalator and broke it. You wouldn’t believe how many stairs I got. | (0) |
| Escalators, Stairs | 1/31/2026 |
| Last week, a female janitor invited me to her place to smoke some weed. I declined because just can’t deal with high maintenance women. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| Do you know what’s a breeze? Downloading the weather channel app. | (0) |
| Weather | 1/31/2026 |
| Why do software companies keep so many lizards and frogs on staff? Because they are great at catching bugs. | (0) |
| Animals, programmers | 1/31/2026 |
| Did you hear that Liam Neeson is starting to host a cooking show? He has a very particular set of skillets. | (0) |
| Cooking | 1/31/2026 |
| I don’t mean to brag, but I just finished my 14-day diet in only three hours and 12 minutes! | (0) |
| Diets | 1/31/2026 |
| The container: “Not dishwasher safe” Me: “You’ll be okay, just do your best in there.” | (0) |
| Dishes | 1/31/2026 |
| If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s like boom…there’s a snail. | (0) |
| Animals, Snails | 1/31/2026 |
| Our ancestors navigated the seven seas with primitive telescopes, and here I am missing my exit while the GPS is literally yelling at me. | (0) |
| GPS, Navigation | 1/31/2026 |
| The person who invented croutons was probably eating a salad and thought to himself “Man, I wish this hurt more.” | (0) |
| Croutons, Salads | 1/31/2026 |
| We’re living in an era of woke capitalism in which companies pretend to care bout social justice to sell products to people who pretend to hate capitalism. | (0) |
| /Capitalism | 1/31/2026 |
| A big package of toilet paper fell on me at CostCo. I’m okay, it’s just some soft tissue damage. | (0) |
| CostCo, Toilet paper | 1/31/2026 |
| I’m writing a book about vacationing for crows. It’s called “How to get away with murders.” | (0) |
| Birds, Crows, Vacation | 1/31/2026 |
| I just heard that a senior citizen falls every two minutes. Poor guy, I hope he has a lot of padding on. | (0) |
| Aging | 1/31/2026 |
| So let me get this straight, we have to clean the shower with soap after we use soap to clean ourselves? Seems kinda redundant. | (0) |
| Cleaning, Soap | 1/31/2026 |
| I used to be cool. Now I research menus in the parking situation before I go somewhere new. | (0) |
| Aging | 1/31/2026 |
| The most unbelievable part of movies is when they randomly guess someone else’s password. I can’t even remember my password that I sent yesterday. | (0) |
| Passwords | 1/31/2026 |
| What does a sniper say when he misses his target? Shoot! | (0) |
| Snipers | 1/31/2026 |
| We got flagged by TSA because my son had a magic eight ball in his backpack. Two agents debated whether it was okay. My husband said “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” | (0) |
| Airports, Toys | 1/31/2026 |
| You should have to do two-factor authentication to reply-all. That one inconvenience alone would eliminate over half of the unneeded emails in the world. | (0) |
| 1/31/2026 | |
| I came up with a new idea for a dating app: matching up people based on their meds. We’ll call it: Relationscripts. | (0) |
| Medicine, Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| The cashier today asked if I would donate $2 to end world hunger. I said, “Of course! I had no idea we were that close!” | (0) |
| Donations | 1/31/2026 |
| Every time there’s a snowstorm in the forecast, people rush in and buy all the bread. Y’all having a big French toast party or something? | (0) |
| Groceries, Snow | 1/31/2026 |
| You know what sucks? Being just short enough that the car’s sun visor never fulfills its purpose. | (0) |
| Cars, Height | 1/31/2026 |
| Whoever salts the fries at McDonald’s should be in charge of icy road preparations. | (0) |
| Ice, McDonald’s, Salt | 1/31/2026 |
| Ladies, don’t forget to give your man a day off once in a while. It’s exhausting simultaneously being the man of your dreams and the source of 99.9% of your rage. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| I told the new hire the supervisor is deaf. I told the supervisor the new hire is special needs. Best workday ever. | (0) |
| Work | 1/31/2026 |
| Why did the police arrest a chicken, a turkey, and a duck? They suspected fowl play. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds | 1/31/2026 |
| It’s stupid when girls say they can’t find a guy, yet they ignore me. It’s like saying you’re hungry when there’s a hot dog on the ground right outside. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| I just read that 4,213,257 people got married last year. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| I just have my email address to a 20-year-old and he asked how I got one with my whole name. I told him I was around when email was invented. | (0) |
| 1/31/2026 | |
| Things I’ve learned the hard way: Dove’s chocolate tastes way better than their soap. | (0) |
| Chocolate, Soap | 1/31/2026 |
| I used to be such a solid athlete. Now my watch congratulates me just for standing up. | (0) |
| Fitness, Technology | 1/31/2026 |
| It takes a big man to admit he’s wrong, but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut. | (0) |
| Animals, Giraffes, Height | 1/31/2026 |
| Apparently listing members of the US Congress and Senate as dependents is not acceptable by the IRS. | (0) |
| Politicians, Taxes | 1/31/2026 |
| If you are dressed all in black and someone asks “Whose funeral is it?” An epic response is “I haven’t decided yet.” | (0) |
| Fashion | 1/31/2026 |
| Remember the good old days before social media where you had to take a picture of your dinner, get it developed, and run around to everybody’s house to show them? Of course not, so stop it. | (0) |
| Social Media | 1/31/2026 |
| My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/31/2026 |
| What do you call a snail with a spear? A slow poke. | (0) |
| Animals, Snails | 1/31/2026 |
| I got a good deal on a boat without a motor. It was on sail! | (0) |
| Boats | 1/31/2026 |
| My wife put a six pack of Coca-Cola in the oven. We ran out of baking soda. | (0) |
| Soda | 1/31/2026 |
| You probably know that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. But his brother Taco was no slouch either. | (0) |
| Restaurants, Tacos | 1/31/2026 |
| What do you call a girl who collects snails and turtles? Shelly. | (0) |
| Names | 1/31/2026 |
| To be a world, renowned weather expert, it usually takes a few degrees. | (0) |
| School, Weather | 1/31/2026 |
| Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 9,876 times, you must be a weatherman. | (0) |
| Weather | 1/31/2026 |
| Irony is when you start to take vitamins to improve your memory, but you can’t remember if you took them today or not. | (0) |
| Memories, Vitamins | 1/31/2026 |
| On my first day as a police officer, the gear was stuck and I couldn’t get out of the parking lot. I had to call for backup. | (0) |
| Cars, Police | 1/31/2026 |
| My son asked for a sweet new ride for his 16th birthday. So I bought him a used ice cream truck. | (0) |
| Cars, Children | 1/31/2026 |
| What did Kellogg’s say when General Mills invented circle-shaped cereal? Toucan play at that game. | (0) |
| Cereal, Cheerios, Froot Loops | 1/31/2026 |
| My grandma was doing a jigsaw puzzle of a chicken and said “Wow, this one is really tough.” I said “Grandma, that’s a box of corn flakes!” | (0) |
| Cereal, Puzzles | 1/31/2026 |
| How do trees like to flirt? “Dang girl, you’re the pinest tree in the forest! Let’s go to my cabin and make some logs!” | (0) |
| Trees | 1/31/2026 |
| I finally figured out why my dog barks at nothing. She barked like crazy, so I went to the door and no one was there. Then I came back and a slice of pizza was gone. | (0) |
| Dogs, Pizza | 1/31/2026 |
| How do you know it’s cold outside? When your trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it. | (0) |
| Dogs, Weather | 1/31/2026 |
| Children might be deductible, but they are still extremely taxing. | (0) |
| Children, Taxes | 1/31/2026 |
| This year I am going to comment “obviously AI” anytime I see pictures of happy people. | (0) |
| AI, Social media | 1/31/2026 |
| Kids don’t put anything back where they found it. Unless it’s an empty food package. | (0) |
| Children, Food | 1/31/2026 |
| Your dog immediately knows when you’re leaving because you put on nicer clothes. Only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home. | (0) |
| Clothes, Dogs | 1/31/2026 |
| Why shouldn’t you shared secrets at a bank? Because of all the tellers. | (0) |
| Banks | 1/31/2026 |
| If you don’t feel attractive, consider getting a wig. It’s a look that anyone can pull off. | (0) |
| Wigs | 1/31/2026 |
| My friend took a trip to Helsinki, but we never heard from him again. He vanished into Fin air. | (0) |
| Traveling | 1/13/2026 |
| It's funny how we say, "a bug hit my windshield" when we are the ones going 70 mph. I'll bet the bug’s family describes it differently. | (0) |
| Bugs, Driving | 1/13/2026 |
| Me: finally gets 8 hours of sleep. My neck and back: “Yeah, but you did it wrong.” | (0) |
| Aging, Sleep | 1/13/2026 |
| What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo? The southern zoo has the name of the animal along with a recipe. | (0) |
| Animals, Recipes | 1/13/2026 |
| I'm still confused about why our teeth and eyeballs need their own insurance. | (0) |
| Health, Insurance | 1/13/2026 |
| What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat. | (0) |
| Clothes, Painting | 1/13/2026 |
| My favorite part of today was someone getting mad at me for using dude as a gender neutral nickname. I’m a 90s kid. I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes. | (0) |
| Friends | 1/13/2026 |
| Every ceiling fan I’ve ever used has five settings: 1 - No, that’s the light. 2 - I think I turned it off? 3 - No - it’s still going. 4 - Okay, it finally stopped. 5 - APACHE WAR HELICOPTER! | (0) |
| Fans | 1/13/2026 |
| May your 2026 be as profitable as a 2025 Somalian daycare. | (0) |
| Fraud, Money | 1/13/2026 |
| Have you ever slept so good that you thought you missed the school bus but you wake up and it’s Sunday…and you’re 32? | (0) |
| Dreams, Sleep | 1/13/2026 |
| Group projects in school weren’t meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of coworkers in the workplace. | (0) |
| Projects, Teamwork | 1/13/2026 |
| They should build a grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and have at least an ounce of spatial awareness. | (0) |
| Shopping | 1/13/2026 |
| Remember when school split us into honors, regular, and slow classes? The real issue with social media is that they put us all together and we were never meant to be. | (0) |
| Intelligence, Social media | 1/13/2026 |
| You’ll pay to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, suddenly I’m the bad guy. | (0) |
| Comedy, Humor | 1/13/2026 |
| What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero? A sea señor. | (0) |
| Pirates, Spanish | 1/13/2026 |
| Sometimes I wonder if the bad things in my life are happening because I didn’t forward that message to 10 people. | (0) |
| Luck, Spam | 1/13/2026 |
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