WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

I finally told my kids that Saint Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Before therapy, I hated everyone. After therapy, I am okay with hating everyone.

Free tip: always order two coffees so they it looks like your second donut is for someone else.

At some point after cavemen discovered fire, they discovered weed. And that’s how the stoned age began.

In Star Wars, who manages the treats for the rebel alliance? Admiral snack bar.

What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.

Do you know why aliens haven’t invaded earth yet? They turned around at Uranus because of the smell.

You know what’s ironic? When a world class pianist died, the funeral was pretty low-key.

A lady was playing an old piano when a piano tuner knocked at her door. She said “I didn’t request a piano tuner.” He responded “Yeah, but your neighbors did.”

Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated when she’s practicing piano and bangs her head against it. I call it playing by ear.

Why are so many archaeologists women? Because they are skilled at digging up the past.

The principal asked me if I want to know what Board of Education means. I said “I already know, that’s why I was sleeping in class.”

Chuck Norris never made more than one trip when carrying groceries in from the car.

There was cake in the fridge with a note: "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note: "I don't take orders from cake."

I’m switching to “I hope this email finds you in a well” just to see if anyone notices. Bonus: the ones that do and find it funny can be my new people.

The fact that Tiger Woods has two DWI‘s and John Daly has none is mind-boggling. I’d have lost that bet for sure.

The average teacher's retirement plan involves hoping a former student becomes a celebrity and remembers who let them eat Hot Cheetos in second period.

I think the complimentary breakfast at my hotel is a sham. Not one person said they liked my new haircut.

The best insult ever is ‘Who is this clown’ because 1) you’re calling them a clown and 2) you’re saying they aren’t even a well-known clown.

Me: “ if Lincoln was alive today and saw how divided our country was, what do you think he’d say?” My friend: “Probably ‘help me get out of this box!’”

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

I’m so old I remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

As I fold my third load of laundry, I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked, and keep on folding.

Just over here wondering how my kids can pick up 100 Easter eggs in less than one minute but still haven’t picked up the two toys I asked them to pick up yesterday.

Back in high school I was in the French club. We didn’t really do much, but every once in a while, we would surrender to the German club.

Coffee doesn’t remove my sarcasm. It just helps it show up early and fully prepared.

The Benadryl people are geniuses. You can’t have allergies if you’re unconscious.

The PIN for Chuck Norris’s debit card is the last four digits in Pi.

Gas prices are like at summa cum laude GPA levels. Can we get them back to academic probation please?

I’m going to push a percussion instrument downhill. Drumroll, please!

You can have kids, or you can have a complete set of silverware. But not both.

Them: “Could you elaborate on that please?” Me: “Nope, I forgot what I just said.”

You mean to tell me the space shuttle is 100,000 miles away from earth and has crystal clear communication but I can’t seem to connect to my printer when I’m basically sitting on top of it?

My friend got a tattoo on his arm that says “comparison is the thief of joy.” And then I saw another friend with the same tattoo, but it was bigger and I just laughed.

Japan’s greatest tragedy is having the world’s best toilets and no Mexican food.

My grandma told me her joints were getting weaker, so I told her to try rolling them tighter.

My husband and l are having a competition to see who can hide plastic eggs in the hardest spots. Loser has to cook and clean for a week. It's been three days. He's currently tearing the garage apart while I watch Netflix. I haven't hidden a single egg.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

What happens if someone hits you on the head with a drumstick? You get a percussion.

What do you call a lifelong drummer? It doesn’t really matter, they probably can’t hear you.

Why do drummers have the best passwords? Because they use so many special cymbals.

What do you call somebody who doesn’t believe in the Easter bunny? Egg-nostic.

Why couldn’t the kids find the Easter egg in our backyard water supply? Because it was well hidden.

I asked my dad how will I know if a girl is right for me? His response: “If you still love her after walking out of an IKEA, she’s the one.”

Today is crossing some things off my to-do list. I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

The amount of energy necessary to refute BS is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.

I got my picture taken yesterday. I’m still hoping I can get it back.

Why was the broom late for school? Because he overswept.

Sometimes I wear a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors don’t stop to talk with me.

My superpower is holding onto junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it.

My mechanic just told me he couldn’t fix my brakes, so he made the horn louder.

Do you know who should be behind bars? People who pour really strong drinks.

Florida has this weird traffic problem where reptiles chase the cars. That’s all we need, more tail gators.

Dogs have two jobs: calm humans when they are stressed, and stress humans when they are calm.

The secret to making sarcastic comments at work is finding the right balance between being ‘hilarious’, and ‘the boss needs to see you.’

My daughter is in college studying to be a meteorologist. Every morning I text her and ask her if the coast is clear.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

I have a bumper sticker saying "honk if you think I'm sexy." Some days I just stay at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

My dream of being a poet vanished like a thing in a whatever.

My daughter was disappointed when she found out unicorns are real. They are just fat and gray and actually called rhinos.

When we eat corn on the cob, I never eat the last kernel. That’s the unicorn!

What was the worst part of the mythological creature conference? When the cyclops tried to hug the unicorn.

My wife told me to get lost, so I bought the entire series on Amazon.

I saw a bunch of donkeys, and then they ran away from me. Then I saw a bunch of asses.

I went to a meditation class to meet new people, but I only found myself.

If a male owl’s sibling adopts a baboon, then owl be a monkey‘s uncle.

How many siblings does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero, because by the time they get done arguing about it, Mom has already changed it.

A couple of brothers got mad at me when I called them hipsters. Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

If you really want to make a difference, you should be a math teacher.

What is a pumpkin’s circumference divided by a pumpkin’s diameter? Pumpkin pie.

Before the invention of zero, people didn’t know nothing.

I offer my kids $500 for straight A’s on their report card. It sends the message that education is important in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.

How do you know a leprechaun is old? They remember back when rainbows were black and white.

What do you call a man who can lift up a car? Jack!

I told the police I got robbed today and they asked if I could describe the assailant. I said, yeah, it was pumped number five.

Why don’t NBA stars carry their basketballs when they’re on the road? So they don’t get called for traveling.

How can you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? The Methodist will say hello to you at the liquor store.

I wonder how many vampires have been run over by people who back up using just their mirrors.

The first rule of the OCD club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

A good way to explain taxes to children is to bring them to the beach with a plate full of french fries and explain to them that the seagulls are the government.

Is it just me or do leprechauns look like elves that got fired for drinking too much on the job.

We are remodeling the kitchen, and just after my contractor measured the cabinets, he was arrested as he left the house. Apparently he’s a counter fitter.

Will we ever understand English? I’d say it’s somewhere between a fat chance and a slim chance.

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the door up to 7.3 seconds.

I keep my favorite watches in a bank safety deposit box. It’s the best way to save time.

My dad said I’m addicted to the radio. I responded well, that depends on the frequency.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If billionaires are worried about a wealth tax, they should stop buying avocado toast, get a second job, and do better about saving.

Why did no one warn me that when you’re an adult, one day you get a little tired…and then stay that way for the rest of your life.

I don’t want to bring a +1 to the function, I’d like the ability to bring a -1…you know, the ability to send someone home I don’t like.

Things you can never tell your children too much: I love you, I’m proud of you, your dirty dishes go in the dishwasher.

As the youngest child, I got all the hand-me-downs. Including a calculator with no multiplication symbol. Times were tough.

How do you know when a hillbilly has March madness teeth? They are down to the final four.

"Password cannot be same as last password." Okay but why not? It's clearly very hard to guess, I couldn't crack it and I’m the one who made it.

I’m not a gentle sports parent. If you’re swinging a car payment and carrying around a bag full of vacation, you better not be looking at strike three!

I’m so glad I learned about parallelograms in school instead of how to file taxes. It comes in really handy during parallelogram season.

No one warned me that as I get older, the weather app would be such a crucial part of my daily routine.

Still waiting for a day when a liar’s pants really do catch on fire…

I hate it when I’m talking to myself then suddenly realize I wasn’t listening and have to start all over.

Meeting should have a button you can secretly press, and if everyone presses the button, the meeting suddenly ends.