WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| Isn’t it weird to think people who are 5 feet tall are only 5 Subway sandwiches long? |   (2) |
| Height, Sandwiches | 3/22/2025 |
| Things I love about my wife: waking up to all 10 full-volume alarms spread five minutes apart from repeatedly hitting the snooze button. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| My wife asked what she should do when the car says it’s hot. I said “Tell it you have a headache.” | (1) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday. | (0) |
| Cars, Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy. | (0) |
| Happiness, Medicine | 3/22/2025 |
| “I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing…watch you smile while you’re sleeping…” was romantic for Aerosmith but a restraining order for the rest of us. | (0) |
| Lyrics, Songs | 3/22/2025 |
| I’m almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one. | (0) |
| Math, Money | 3/22/2025 |
| 3 things that always tell the truth - small children, drunk people & yoga pants. | (0) |
| Truth | 3/22/2025 |
| When I die, I’m going to come back and haunt my children with messages on tiny sticky pieces of paper. I called them ghost-it notes. | (0) |
| Ghosts | 3/22/2025 |
| A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!" | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen wondering why on earth you couldn't just text me. | (0) |
| Phones | 3/22/2025 |
| What do you call a cup of coffee that offers mild insults? Light roast. | (0) |
| Coffee | 3/22/2025 |
| Any song gets better if you replace the word girl with squirrel. Go ahead and try it. | (0) |
| Animals, Songs, Squirrels | 3/22/2025 |
| To make a long story short, I became an editor. | (0) |
| Writing | 3/22/2025 |
| I asked to switch seats on an airplane because I was next to a crying baby. Apparently that doesn’t work if the baby is yours. | (1) |
| Airplanes, Babies | 3/22/2025 |
| I kept sending my friend Lego puns, so he blocked me. | (0) |
| Legos | 3/22/2025 |
| Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One of them says "Eat the chocolate" and the other one says "You heard him, eat the chocolate." | (1) |
| Chocolate, Food | 3/22/2025 |
| The other day I got to witness a cornea transplant surgery. It was pretty eye-opening. | (0) |
| Eyes | 3/22/2025 |
| I got new neighbours today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 19 families did. | (0) |
| Music, Neighbors | 3/22/2025 |
| Where is the best place to grow corn, Red Hot chili peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, and Black Eyed Peas? In a sound garden. | (0) |
| Music | 3/22/2025 |
| What kind of doctor encourages you to pick your nose? A plastic surgeon. | (0) |
| Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
| My boss said he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me. | (0) |
| Posturr, Work | 3/22/2025 |
| Where is the best place to find a legit fortune teller? At a bank. | (0) |
| Banks, Fortunes | 3/22/2025 |
| Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot? | (0) |
| Farts, Sneezes | 3/22/2025 |
| Due to privacy policies, my doctor can’t call patients by name, so they said “We are now ready to see the lady with hemorrhoids.” | (0) |
| Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
| I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few poops behind. | (1) |
| Food, Weight | 3/22/2025 |
| What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck. | (0) |
| Luck, Plants | 3/22/2025 |
| I used to be scared of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it. | (0) |
| Speedbumps | 3/22/2025 |
| I press so many of my wife’s buttons, but why can’t mute be one of them? | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| When I go to someone’s house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors. | (0) |
| Hospitality | 3/22/2025 |
| If there was a pill that could cure procrastination, I probably wouldn’t take it until tomorrow. | (0) |
| Procrastination | 3/22/2025 |
| A 72-hour hold in a psych ward is starting to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity. | (0) |
| Vacation | 3/22/2025 |
| What happens when you seize the wrong day? Crappy diem. | (0) |
| Latin | 3/22/2025 |
| If poison expires, is it no longer poisonous or is it more poisonous? | (0) |
| Poison | 3/22/2025 |
| I’d humans evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys today? | (0) |
| Animals, Monkeys | 3/22/2025 |
| I don’t understand why they are called pairing knives. I find it really hard to use more than one at a time. | (0) |
| Knives | 3/22/2025 |
| I’m reading a really compelling book about an immortal dog. It’s impossible to put down. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 3/22/2025 |
| Do you know the street name of the periodic table? It’s the Atoms Family. | (0) |
| Science | 3/22/2025 |
| Little Red Riding Hood was found unconscious. She’s stable now, but not out of the woods yet. | (0) |
| Little Red Riding Hood | 3/22/2025 |
| I hate when I turn on my car in the morning and the music starts blasting, and I’m like “Whoa big fella, I’m not the same person I was last night.” | (0) |
| Cars | 3/22/2025 |
| I tried to walk like an Egyptian, and now I need to see a Cairo practor. | (0) |
| Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
| We have cooking shows with kids, but the kids never get to judge. Just once I would like to see a kid tell an Iron Chef that his duck confit is yucky and smells like a bard bucket, then demand a hot dog. | (0) |
| Children, Cooking | 3/22/2025 |
| Did you know that stealing someone else’s coffee is called mugging? | (0) |
| Coffee | 3/22/2025 |
| I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for tomorrow. | (0) |
| Cremation, Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| Why does every cart at Wal-Mart need a front end alignment and a tire rotation? | (0) |
| Shopping, Wal-Mart | 3/22/2025 |
| The upside of dating is it makes dying alone seem not all that bad. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| You call them red flags, I call them 10 fun facts you didn't know about me. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
| I don’t understand why Subway is asking for a tip. We literally made this sandwich together. | (0) |
| Food, Tipping | 3/8/2025 |
| Beware: The phrase 'Don't take this the wrong way' has a 0% success rate. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
| Whenever I get a paper cut, the universe seems to send me an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit and salty snacks. | (0) |
| Cuts, Food | 3/8/2025 |
| I’m not crazy…I have great stability: the ability to stab. | (0) |
| Crazy | 3/8/2025 |
| Why is it that flies can find their way into your house through a 2MM crack, but can’t find their way out even if you take off an entire side of the house? | (0) |
| Bugs, Flies | 3/8/2025 |
| The student that graduates with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. I want to hear both sides. | (0) |
| Graduation | 3/8/2025 |
| Ever had one of those days where you’re holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata? | (0) |
| Anger, Piñatas | 3/8/2025 |
| Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner. | (0) |
| Gambling | 3/8/2025 |
| Some of you aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. | (0) |
| Crazy | 3/8/2025 |
| If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, it’s only 73 pounds on Mars. You’re not fat, you’re just on the wrong planet. | (0) |
| Space, Weight | 3/8/2025 |
| Why don’t fish like to play basketball? Because they’re afraid of the net. | (0) |
| Basketball, Fish | 3/8/2025 |
| I once met a farmer who was too scared to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear. | (0) |
| Farming | 3/8/2025 |
| Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No, I need to buy more stuff. I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far. | (0) |
| Shopping | 3/8/2025 |
| If you use the phrase “We’ve always done it this way,” you should be forced to use a flip phone and a Walkman for a year. | (0) |
| Change | 3/8/2025 |
| My golf game can best be described as hit and miss. | (0) |
| Golf, Sports | 3/8/2025 |
| It’s a good thing that Sean Connery never did a Citibank commercial! | (0) |
| Actors, Banks | 3/8/2025 |
| This generation is so lazy that you could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up and quit. | (0) |
| Laziness, Work | 3/8/2025 |
| You know, any machine can be a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough. | (0) |
| Smoke | 3/8/2025 |
| If you feel lonely, dim all of your lights and watch a horror movie. After a while, it won't feel like you're alone anymore. | (0) |
| Movies | 3/8/2025 |
| What do you call a zombie that makes stir-fry? Dead man woking. | (0) |
| Zombies | 3/8/2025 |
| That feeling you get when the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services, but you can rent it for $4.99. | (0) |
| Movies, TV | 3/8/2025 |
| If Disney World makes a ride out of the movie Inside Out, it would literally be an emotional roller coaster. | (0) |
| Disney, Rides | 3/8/2025 |
| Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I’m capable of. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Wings | 3/8/2025 |
| They say with age comes wisdom, therefore I don’t have wrinkles, I have wise cracks. | (0) |
| Age, Wisdom | 3/8/2025 |
| A raccoon stopped me and said: “I’m not judging you, but you sure throw away a lot of salad while the Cheetos bag is always empty.” | (0) |
| Animals, Food, Raccoons, Trash | 3/8/2025 |
| My girlfriend broke up with me and said she needed more space. That’s when I stopped using college ruled paper. | (0) |
| Paper, Space | 3/8/2025 |
| My daughter said she can’t stand playing piano anymore. Too many Bach issues. | (0) |
| Piano | 3/8/2025 |
| What is a snowman‘s favorite way to travel? With an icicle. | (0) |
| Snowmen | 3/8/2025 |
| What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie. | (0) |
| Animals | 3/8/2025 |
| You know what’s ironic? I went to the library to learn about how the credit system works, but all the books were out on loan. | (0) |
| Books, Loans | 3/8/2025 |
| I told my wife I wanted to grow some fruit, and I’m going to start with a pineapple. She said I should grow a pear. | (0) |
| Fruit | 3/8/2025 |
| Apparently you have to eat healthy more than one to get into shape. This is cruel and unfair. | (0) |
| Fitness | 3/8/2025 |
| Did you know that penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers produce heat? That’s right, the oily bird gets the warm. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Penguins | 3/8/2025 |
| Do you know what I find really appealing? Eating oranges. | (0) |
| Food, Oranges | 3/8/2025 |
| Why is the equals sign so humble? Because it knows it’s not any better or worse than anything else. | (0) |
| Math | 3/8/2025 |
| Did you hear about the guy who ate 6 large cans of alphabet soup? Biggest vowel movement ever. | (0) |
| Soup | 3/8/2025 |
| You know what I strive for whenever I play golf? To be sub-par. | (0) |
| Golf | 3/8/2025 |
| You know who is the best at quiet quitting? Judges. When they retire, they just stop trying. | (0) |
| Judges, Work | 3/8/2025 |
| Some people stir coffee with their right hand, and others with their left. But most just use a spoon. | (0) |
| Coffee, Spoons | 3/8/2025 |
| Did you hear about the controversy at the wheelchair basketball championships? They found trace amounts of WD-40 in the home team’s locker room. | (0) |
| Basketball | 3/8/2025 |
| I don’t understand why we can’t call in healthy to work too. “Look, I feel great and I don’t want to waste it by coming into work.” | (0) |
| Work | 3/8/2025 |
| Do you know why Teslas are so expensive? I’ve heard it’s because they charge a lot. | (0) |
| Cars, Tesla | 3/8/2025 |
| Whenever I want to share a secret, I have to take off my watch. Because time will tell. | (0) |
| Time | 3/8/2025 |
| What do you call a girl who is bad at drawing? Tracy. | (0) |
| Names | 3/8/2025 |
| Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I asked my wife for her phone number and she told me to get lost! | (0) |
| Drinking, Relationships | 3/8/2025 |
| You're not a dedicated parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early. | (0) |
| Parenting | 3/8/2025 |
| If Walmart opened a dental office in its stores, there would be an express lane for people with ten teeth or less. | (0) |
| Teeth, Walmart | 3/8/2025 |
| If Fred had 45 chocolate bars and eats 40 of them, what does he have? Diabetes. | (0) |
| Chocolate, Diabetes | 3/8/2025 |
| Why do ducks have flat feet? So they can extinguish forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can extinguish the flaming ducks. | (0) |
| Animals, Ducks, Elephants | 3/8/2025 |
| Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because A-shells and B-shells don’t fit. | (0) |
| Mermaids | 3/8/2025 |
| Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. | (0) |
| Kindness | 3/8/2025 |
| I love Chick-fil-A! I could eat there 24-6! | (0) |
| Restaurants | 3/8/2025 |
| What kind of snack do computers like to eat? A microchip. | (0) |
| Computers | 3/8/2025 |
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