WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| I was really confused by the plot of the new Minecraft movie. It was such a mental block. |   (0) |
| Minecraft | 4/13/2025 |
| Easter eggs are proof that kids can find things when they really want to. | (1) |
| Children, Easter | 4/13/2025 |
| It’s kind of annoying that nobody uses punctuation when leaving a voicemail these days. | (0) |
| Punctuation, Voicemail | 4/13/2025 |
| You know who made a lot of money? The inventor of the trash compactor. He’s crushing it. | (0) |
| Money, Trash | 4/13/2025 |
| I love how people that ask me what I’m doing tomorrow assume I know what day it even is. | (0) |
| Days | 4/13/2025 |
| Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, just call me and I’ll laugh at you for free. | (0) |
| Laughter | 4/13/2025 |
| One minute you are young and carefree and the next minute your kids are asking for help with their history homework because you were alive in the 1900s. | (0) |
| Children, History | 4/13/2025 |
| Due to all the new tariffs, BMW decided to stop all exports to the USA. They gave no signal that they were changing their strategy or turning in a different direction. | (0) |
| Blinkers, Cars | 4/13/2025 |
| It’s not my fault that exercise and extra fries sound so much alike. | (0) |
| Exercise, Food | 4/13/2025 |
| Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to crap on the board and strut around like it won anyway. | (0) |
| Birds, Chess, Stupidity | 4/13/2025 |
| My ancestors navigated the ocean using stars. I'm over here missing my exit with the GPS. | (0) |
| Navigation | 4/13/2025 |
| What does the funeral director say when giving an ultimatum? Over my dead bodies. | (0) |
| Funerals | 4/13/2025 |
| I just renamed my WiFi network to "NYPD Surveillance Van 4." That should keep my nosy neighbors busy for a while. | (0) |
| Internet, Police | 4/13/2025 |
| When people ask me what I’m doing with my life, I tell them I’m catching up on all the naps I refused to take as a child. | (0) |
| Naps | 4/13/2025 |
| If I die choking on a gummy bear, can you just leave out the gummy part when you have to explain everything? | (0) |
| Bears | 4/13/2025 |
| I’m the type of person who goes to a party and makes friends with the dog. | (0) |
| Dogs, Friends | 4/13/2025 |
| I changed my toilet’s nickname from John to Jim so that people would be impressed when I tell them how often I go to the Jim. | (0) |
| Exercise, Toilets | 4/13/2025 |
| You know what I find ironic? People who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles. | (0) |
| Exercise | 4/13/2025 |
| Imagine how loud a centipede would be if they wore flip-flops. | (0) |
| Flip-flops, Insects | 4/13/2025 |
| What do you call a Cajun who can’t tell the truth? A jumbo liar. | (0) |
| Cajuns | 4/13/2025 |
| I was so excited to go visit the Air and Space Museum, but when I got there, it was just a giant, completely empty warehouse. | (0) |
| Museums, Space | 4/13/2025 |
| What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…except for bears…they almost always just kill you. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears | 4/13/2025 |
| I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts. | (0) |
| Computers, Work | 4/13/2025 |
| What did the dad say when he walked out of the lollipop store? “So long, suckers!” | (0) |
| Candy, Lollipops | 4/13/2025 |
| People see my giant Lego collection and assume I’m rich. And then I have to let them down and let them know I’m just irresponsible. | (0) |
| Legos | 4/13/2025 |
| What do you call a white bear with mood swings? Bipolar. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears | 4/13/2025 |
| Cigarettes are like squirrels. They are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire. | (0) |
| Animals, Smoking, Squirrels | 4/4/2025 |
| I need to get back in shape, but I'm kind of waiting to see if they world is going to end before I put any real effort in. | (0) |
| Laziness | 4/4/2025 |
| How are you supposed to give up in a towel-throwing contest?/0/Towels | (0) |
| Towels | 4/4/2025 |
| "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon.”/1/Running | (0) |
| Running | 4/4/2025 |
| Not my monkey, not my circus, but I know the clowns./1/Circus | (0) |
| Circus | 4/4/2025 |
| I don’t always carry my groceries with one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket./0/Groceries | (0) |
| Groceries | 4/4/2025 |
| I found out recently that I am colorblind. That certainly came out of the yellow./0/Colors | (0) |
| Colors | 4/4/2025 |
| After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone "thanks for coming"./0/Funerals | (0) |
| Funerals | 4/4/2025 |
| You shouldn’t go seven days without sharing a pun. That makes one weak./0/Puns | (0) |
| Puns | 4/4/2025 |
| Venus Flytraps can live on sunlight and soil nutrients alone, but every morning they wake up and choose violence./1/Plants | (0) |
| Plants | 4/4/2025 |
| I answered the phone and someone coughed and sneezed and hung up. I’m getting tired of all these cold calls./1/Calls, Phones | (0) |
| Calls, Phones | 4/4/2025 |
| My son asked me to tell him something about space. I told him it’s the largest key on the keyboard./1/Computers, Space | (0) |
| Computers, Space | 4/4/2025 |
| If you’re struggling to use a fancy camera, try putting together a focus group./0/Cameras | (0) |
| Cameras | 4/4/2025 |
| You can’t play hide and seek with a mountain. Because they alwayspeak./1/Mountains | (0) |
| Mountains | 4/4/2025 |
| Someone should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog about to puke. Nothing gets you out of bed faster./1/Dogs, Clocks | (0) |
| Clocks, Dogs | 4/4/2025 |
| You know how many times I’ve lost Dracula? I’ve lost count./1/Vampires | (0) |
| Vampires | 4/4/2025 |
| What do race car drivers feed their babies? Formula One./1/Babies, Formula, Racing | (0) |
| Babies, Formula, Racing | 4/4/2025 |
| You’re afraid that too much exercise will kill you, you should join the fitness protection program./1/Exercise | (0) |
| Exercise | 4/4/2025 |
| How do you know a teddy bear has a cold? Because of the stuffy nose./1/Toys, Bears | (0) |
| Bears, Toys | 4/4/2025 |
| Sometimes you meet someone and from the first moment you realize you want to spend your whole life without them./0/Relationships | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/4/2025 |
| I hate it when Wal-Matt doesn’t have what I need and I have to go home, change out of my pajamas, and brush my hair so I can go to Target./1/Shopping | (0) |
| Shopping | 4/4/2025 |
| Why age gracefully when you can age like an old cheese - full of character and slightly offensive./1/Aging | (0) |
| Aging | 4/4/2025 |
| A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years. New math is the best./1/Banks | (1) |
| Banks | 4/4/2025 |
| Baby changing stations are the biggest hoax. The parents always come out with the same kid./1/Children | (0) |
| Children | 4/4/2025 |
| I'm trying to teach my dog to dance, but it's pointless. She has two left feet./1/Dogs, Dancing | (0) |
| Dancing, Dogs | 4/4/2025 |
| I just found out I’m no longer lactose intolerant. It was a real come to cheeses moment./0/Dairy, Food | (0) |
| Dairy, Food | 4/4/2025 |
| My wife is using the word “mansplaining" incorrectly, and I don't know what to do about it./0/Relationships | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/4/2025 |
| Our entire universe is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere on a shelf in an alien child’s room as a science fair project that got a C-./0/Science, Aliens | (0) |
| Aliens, Science | 4/4/2025 |
| You know what I learned today? Never hold a cat and a dustbuster at the same time./1/Animals, Cats | (0) |
| Animals, Cats | 4/4/2025 |
| We couldn’t afford alphabet soup when I was younger, all we had was spaghetti-O‘s./1/Food | (0) |
| Food | 4/4/2025 |
| I just played fortnight. That’s two weeks I’ll never get back./1/Games | (0) |
| Games | 4/4/2025 |
| What kind of lotion should you apply whenever someone lets you down? Disappointment./0/Lotions | (0) |
| Lotions | 4/4/2025 |
| Why did the alcoholic mathematician get arrested? Because he was caught drunk deriving again./0/Math, Alcohol | (0) |
| Alcohol, Math | 4/4/2025 |
| How do astronauts stay warm? They use space heaters./1/Space, Heat | (0) |
| Heat, Space | 4/4/2025 |
| Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass medical school, so you better start eating healthy and exercising more./0/Health, AI | (0) |
| AI, Health | 4/4/2025 |
| Facebook is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance./1/Sanity, Social media | (0) |
| Sanity, Social media | 4/4/2025 |
| If you change your relationship status more than three times on Facebook, it should default to “Unstable”./0/Relationships, Social Media | (0) |
| Relationships, Social Media | 4/4/2025 |
| What’s the most popular pick-up line in Kentucky? “Hey, nice tooth!”/0/Relationships | (0) |
| Relationships | 4/4/2025 |
| Forestry is the easiest degree plan there is. You only have to take three classes./1/School, Trees | (0) |
| School, Trees | 4/4/2025 |
| What has 8 eyes and 8 legs? 8 pirates./1/Pirates | (0) |
| Pirates | 4/4/2025 |
| Where’s a great place to find missing chess pieces? A pawn shop./1/Chess | (0) |
| Chess | 4/4/2025 |
| The dude I pay to stop by once a week to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don't have pets./1/Pets, Dogs, Poop | (0) |
| Dogs, Pets, Poop | 4/4/2025 |
| Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.” Friend: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’, and you had four of them.”/1/Food, Exercise | (0) |
| Exercise, Food | 4/4/2025 |
| Sometimes I wonder if all of this is happening because I didn’t forward that message on to 10 other people like the Nigerian prince said./0/Karma | (0) |
| Karma | 4/4/2025 |
| If you work really hard at your job and are dedicated, you get to do other peoples work too./0/Work | (0) |
| Work | 4/4/2025 |
| You know the best part about Saturdays? You can dip you coffee…you don’t have to inhale it./1/Weekends, Coffee | (0) |
| Coffee, Weekends | 4/4/2025 |
| Amazon has a new service for retired cowboys. It’s called Pasture Prime./1/Cowboys, Amazon | (0) |
| Amazon, Cowboys | 4/4/2025 |
| Isn’t it weird to think people who are 5 feet tall are only 5 Subway sandwiches long? | (2) |
| Height, Sandwiches | 3/22/2025 |
| Things I love about my wife: waking up to all 10 full-volume alarms spread five minutes apart from repeatedly hitting the snooze button. | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| My wife asked what she should do when the car says it’s hot. I said “Tell it you have a headache.” | (1) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday. | (0) |
| Cars, Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy. | (0) |
| Happiness, Medicine | 3/22/2025 |
| “I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing…watch you smile while you’re sleeping…” was romantic for Aerosmith but a restraining order for the rest of us. | (0) |
| Lyrics, Songs | 3/22/2025 |
| I’m almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one. | (0) |
| Math, Money | 3/22/2025 |
| 3 things that always tell the truth - small children, drunk people & yoga pants. | (0) |
| Truth | 3/22/2025 |
| When I die, I’m going to come back and haunt my children with messages on tiny sticky pieces of paper. I called them ghost-it notes. | (0) |
| Ghosts | 3/22/2025 |
| A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!" | (0) |
| Relationships | 3/22/2025 |
| Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen wondering why on earth you couldn't just text me. | (0) |
| Phones | 3/22/2025 |
| What do you call a cup of coffee that offers mild insults? Light roast. | (0) |
| Coffee | 3/22/2025 |
| Any song gets better if you replace the word girl with squirrel. Go ahead and try it. | (0) |
| Animals, Songs, Squirrels | 3/22/2025 |
| To make a long story short, I became an editor. | (0) |
| Writing | 3/22/2025 |
| I asked to switch seats on an airplane because I was next to a crying baby. Apparently that doesn’t work if the baby is yours. | (1) |
| Airplanes, Babies | 3/22/2025 |
| I kept sending my friend Lego puns, so he blocked me. | (0) |
| Legos | 3/22/2025 |
| Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One of them says "Eat the chocolate" and the other one says "You heard him, eat the chocolate." | (1) |
| Chocolate, Food | 3/22/2025 |
| The other day I got to witness a cornea transplant surgery. It was pretty eye-opening. | (0) |
| Eyes | 3/22/2025 |
| I got new neighbours today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 19 families did. | (0) |
| Music, Neighbors | 3/22/2025 |
| Where is the best place to grow corn, Red Hot chili peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, and Black Eyed Peas? In a sound garden. | (0) |
| Music | 3/22/2025 |
| What kind of doctor encourages you to pick your nose? A plastic surgeon. | (0) |
| Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
| My boss said he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me. | (0) |
| Posturr, Work | 3/22/2025 |
| Where is the best place to find a legit fortune teller? At a bank. | (0) |
| Banks, Fortunes | 3/22/2025 |
| Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot? | (0) |
| Farts, Sneezes | 3/22/2025 |
| Due to privacy policies, my doctor can’t call patients by name, so they said “We are now ready to see the lady with hemorrhoids.” | (0) |
| Doctors | 3/22/2025 |
| I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few poops behind. | (1) |
| Food, Weight | 3/22/2025 |
| What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck. | (0) |
| Luck, Plants | 3/22/2025 |
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