WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
Submit your own!
| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| What starts with “O”, ends with “nions”, and makes people cry? Opinions. |   (0) |
| Opinions, Words | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you get when you lose 25% of your roof? Oof. | (0) |
| Roofs, Words | 1/15/2025 |
| Just to be clear, if I could have any superpower, it would be invisibility. | (0) |
| Superpowers | 1/15/2025 |
| The fact that jellyfish have survived 650 million years without brains should give hope to a lot of people. | (0) |
| Intelligence, Jellyfish | 1/15/2025 |
| Some people wake up feeling like 1 million bucks. I wake up feeling like insufficient funds. | (0) |
| Money | 1/15/2025 |
| Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss. | (0) |
| Animals, Cats, Lemons | 1/15/2025 |
| What did the judge say when visiting the dentist? “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?” | (0) |
| Dentists, Judges, Teeth | 1/15/2025 |
| What did the geometry teacher say when her parrot flew away? Polygon. | (0) |
| Animals, Math, Parrots | 1/15/2025 |
| Do you know why so many groups use bake sales as fundraisers? They are a great way to raise some dough. | (0) |
| Baking | 1/15/2025 |
| I got attacked by a dog yesterday. Got me pretty roughed up. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 1/15/2025 |
| When should you return a box of animal crackers? When the seal is broken. | (0) |
| Animals, Crackers, Seals | 1/15/2025 |
| The punchline comes before the joke. Do you know why I hate time travel jokes? | (0) |
| Time travel | 1/15/2025 |
| I don’t understand women. I was flirting with the cute girl at Wendy’s, but her response was spicy, salty, and frosty, all at once. | (0) |
| Relationships, Wendy’s | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you call Harry Potter‘s female friends when they’re at the beach? Sand witches. | (0) |
| Harry Potter | 1/15/2025 |
| Do you know which day is considered the most popular day to start a diet? Tomorrow. | (0) |
| Diets | 1/15/2025 |
| Orion‘s belt is a total waist of space. That’s a three-star joke! | (0) |
| Space | 1/15/2025 |
| Do you know why I got kicked out of math class? Too many infractions. | (0) |
| Math, School | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you call a girl who likes to run through a tennis court? Annette. | (0) |
| Names, Tennis | 1/15/2025 |
| My friend: “Who’s your favorite vampire? Me: “The muppet in Sesame Street.” My friend: “He doesn’t count.” Me: I assure you, he does.” | (0) |
| Sesame Street, Vampires | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A well-fed polar bear. | (0) |
| Animals, Bears, Seals | 1/15/2025 |
| I’m writing a book about all the goals I’m thinking about accomplishing in my lifetime. I’m calling it my ought-to biography. | (0) |
| Books, Goals | 1/15/2025 |
| Do you know why fish prefer swimming in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze. | (0) |
| Animals, Animals,, Fish | 1/15/2025 |
| Exercise is the best way to resolve conflict. That way things always work out. | (0) |
| Exercise | 1/15/2025 |
| Why don’t blind people make very good doctors? Because they have trouble seeing their patients. | (0) |
| Blindness, Doctors | 1/15/2025 |
| I was in a lot of debt, but I stole William Shatner‘s hairpiece and flipped it on eBay. It’s not my fault I had Bill’s toupee. | (0) |
| Toupees | 1/15/2025 |
| What happens if you plug a malfunctioning clock into an electrical socket? You get lots of secondhand smoke. | (0) |
| Clocks | 1/15/2025 |
| Why couldn’t the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction. | (0) |
| Animals, Chameleons | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you call an elevator full of rabbits? Hare raising. | (0) |
| Animals, Rabbits | 1/15/2025 |
| If you ever want to be successful in theater, you need to act now. | (0) |
| Theater | 1/15/2025 |
| Of all the things I learned in school, subtraction was the most impactful. It really made a difference for me. | (0) |
| Math, School, Subtraction | 1/15/2025 |
| I haven’t seen my twin brother since we were traveling in Australia. We were separated at Perth. | (0) |
| Australia, Family | 1/15/2025 |
| Why couldn’t the plumber replace a hot water heater? Because it was a tankless job. | (0) |
| Plumbers | 1/15/2025 |
| Taylor Swift fans should be called Swiffers, because they pick up all the garbage she drops. | (0) |
| Taylor Swift | 1/15/2025 |
| My doctor said I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Well, he didn’t actually say it, but we knew he was thinking it. | (0) |
| Schizophrenics | 1/15/2025 |
| Why are cats so good at filling out expense reports? Because they know all about purr diems. | (0) |
| Animals, Cats, Work | 1/15/2025 |
| Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty! | (0) |
| Courts | 1/15/2025 |
| Did you know President Trump is really passionate about wildlife? At the top of his priority list is taking care of the ill eagles. | (0) |
| Animals, Eagles, Trump | 1/15/2025 |
| I’m not sure, I’m just more down to earth than most people. | (0) |
| Height | 1/15/2025 |
| Why did the crab cross the road? He didn’t, he used the sidewalk. | (0) |
| Animals, Crabs | 1/15/2025 |
| I was going to tell you a joke about furniture, but I decided to table it. | (0) |
| Furniture | 1/15/2025 |
| I have a special ability to make fruit juice with my mind. All I have to do is concentrate! | (0) |
| Drinks | 1/15/2025 |
| My wife just wanted a small party for her birthday. So I registered her as a libertarian. | (0) |
| Politics | 1/15/2025 |
| What do you call an Amish guy cleaning his horses teeth? A mechanic. | (0) |
| Amish | 1/15/2025 |
| The meteorologist who devised the windchill factor just passed away. He was 75, but he felt like 86. | (0) |
| Weather | 1/15/2025 |
| Why don’t beavers ever go on strike? Because they do their dam job. | (0) |
| Animals, Beavers | 1/15/2025 |
| My son asked what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was avoiding me. | (0) |
| Relationships | 1/15/2025 |
| All the Harry Potter movies really should have been rated R. There was so much cursing. | (0) |
| Cursing, Harry Potter | 1/15/2025 |
| What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat! | (0) |
| Painting | 1/15/2025 |
| Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. | (0) |
| Knowledge, Tomatoes, Wisdom | 1/15/2025 |
| I’m scared to go to therapy because what if they fix me and I’m not funny anymore. | (0) |
| Therapy | 1/15/2025 |
| People who run outside when it’s below freezing must have some really annoying family members. | (0) |
| Cold, Exercise | 1/15/2025 |
| When you get older, “picking up a hottie at the club” means buying a rotisserie chicken at CostCo. | (0) |
| Food, Relationships | 1/15/2025 |
| I didn’t fart. My butt blew you a kiss! | (0) |
| Farts | 1/15/2025 |
| My friend and I were arguing over who has a better hobby. It was a conflict of interests. | (0) |
| Hobbies | 1/15/2025 |
| The best things in life are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie? | (0) |
| Cheese, Food | 1/15/2025 |
| If I’ve ever borrowed something from you, please don’t come to my garage sale. | (0) |
| Garage sales | 1/15/2025 |
| If a friar is responsible for bringing ruffles to the party, does that make him a chipmunk? | (0) |
| Chipmunks, Friars | 1/15/2025 |
| How do you tell a difference between a man’s wallet before and after kids? There’s a picture of them where the money used to be. | (0) |
| Children, Money | 1/15/2025 |
| People don’t believe me when I tell them I climbed Mt. Everest. It’s true, I made it up. | (0) |
| Mountains | 1/15/2025 |
| They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to each other. | (0) |
| Customer service | 1/15/2025 |
| My friends call me Shrooms. Apparently, they think I’m a fun guy. | (0) |
| Mushrooms | 1/15/2025 |
| Did you hear about the man who invented castration? He won the no-ball prize. | (0) |
| Castration | 1/15/2025 |
| I just bought a treadmill. Now I am running out of space in my room. | (0) |
| Treadmills | 1/15/2025 |
| What is a ghost‘s least favorite class in school? Gym. They really don’t like to exorcise. | (0) |
| Ghosts, School | 1/15/2025 |
| Why are necromancers no fun at parties? Because they only tell dead jokes. | (0) |
| Dead | 1/15/2025 |
| Every morning, I wake up and get out of bed. It’s important to have a routine. | (0) |
| Routines | 1/15/2025 |
| Now that Snoop Dogg is getting more and more into journalism and reporting, he’s changing his name to Scoop Dogg. | (0) |
| Celebrities | 1/15/2025 |
| What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? Just one letter. | (0) |
| Jokes, Letters, Words | 1/15/2025 |
| If for some insane reason you name your dog “Shark,” you probably shouldn’t take them to the beach. | (0) |
| Animals, Dogs | 1/15/2025 |
| How do you know when you’re in a pickle? When you get up to leave and realize the door is a jar. | (0) |
| Pickles | 1/15/2025 |
| My kids got into a fight while playing Scrabble and started throwing the tiles at each other. I said you better be careful, you might lose an I. | (0) |
| Children, Games | 1/15/2025 |
| Chuck Norris can count to infinity then divided by zero. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Math | 1/15/2025 |
| I can’t go out tonight, I have two avocados that will be ripe from 7:00 to 7:15 pm. | (0) |
| Avocados, Foods | 1/15/2025 |
| I just bought a doughnut without sprinkles. Dieting is the worst… | (0) |
| Diets, Donuts | 1/15/2025 |
| I hate when my wife isn’t with me when I drive. I don’t know when to merge, when to brake, or where to park! | (0) |
| Driving, Relationships | 1/15/2025 |
| Do you know why librarians win so many marathons? They really know how to book it. | (0) |
| Librarians, Running | 1/15/2025 |
| Some guy was arrested for stealing helium balloons. Police held him for a while, then let him go. | (0) |
| Balloons | 1/15/2025 |
| Did you hear about the dictator that walked into a bar? He ordered everyone around. | (0) |
| Bars, Dictators | 1/15/2025 |
| Until you work in food or retail, you have no idea the level of stupid that exists in the world. | (0) |
| Retail, Stupidity | 1/15/2025 |
| Why do they ask me to press 1 for English then transfer me to someone who barely speaks it? | (0) |
| Languages, Telephones | 1/15/2025 |
| I never wish death upon anyone who wrongs me. I wish sudden explosive diarrhea while stuck in traffic with frequent sneezing. | (0) |
| Diarrhea, Revenge | 1/15/2025 |
| I wish we lived in a world where a liar’s pants genuinely caught on fire… | (0) |
| Liars | 1/15/2025 |
| Doctors have identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it has been eaten. It’s called a wedding cake. | (0) |
| Cake, Food, Relationships | 1/15/2025 |
| During extreme cold winter temperatures, Walmart customers will be encouraged to wear TWO pairs of pajamas. | (0) |
| Cold, Walmart, Weather | 1/15/2025 |
| What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm. | (0) |
| Books, Fishing, Librarians | 1/15/2025 |
| Why spelling matters: my ex just texted me “ I can still smell your colon on my pillow.” | (0) |
| Relationships, Spelling | 1/15/2025 |
| Marriage in 2025 is tagging your wife on recipes she will never make while she tags you on places you will never take her. | (0) |
| Relationships, Social media | 1/15/2025 |
| Did you know on the Canary Islands, there’s not one canary? Same thing on the Virgin Isles - not one canary there either! | (0) |
| Islands, Virgins | 1/15/2025 |
| Eating your exam…is a pretty extreme approach to passing a test. | (0) |
| Tests | 1/15/2025 |
| Mimes are making a comeback, but no one is talking about it. | (0) |
| Mimes | 1/15/2025 |
| Gravity is a fundamental force. What happens when you get rid of it? Gravy. | (0) |
| Gravity | 1/15/2025 |
| Where do penguins go to vote? The south poll. | (0) |
| Animals, Penguins, Voting | 1/15/2025 |
| When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00 pm. I couldn’t wait to grow up and go to bed whenever I wanted. Turns out, that’s about 9:00 pm. | (0) |
| Sleep | 1/3/2025 |
| I was interviewing a job candidate and asked him why he was demanding such a high salary for no experience. He said because the job is a lot harder when you don’t know what you’re doing. | (0) |
| Work | 1/3/2025 |
| What do you tell a friend who is suffering from constipation? “Don’t worry, this two shall pass.” | (0) |
| Poop, Toilets | 1/3/2025 |
| If Red Bull gives you wings, why do they deliver it with trucks? | (0) |
| Red Bull | 1/3/2025 |
| Remember to always tip your server, unless you work in IT. | (0) |
| Server | 1/3/2025 |
| I’ve always wanted to try juggling, I’ve just never had the balls. | (1) |
| Juggling | 1/3/2025 |
| You know what’s ironic? I corrected AutoCorrect more than AutoCorrect corrects me. | (0) |
| AutoCorrect | 1/3/2025 |
| Coworkers are like Christmas lights - lots of them don’t work, and many aren’t that bright. | (0) |
| Christmas, Work | 1/3/2025 |
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