WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

If ignorance is bliss, it seems like there should be a lot more happy people.

When a woman wears leather clothes, a man's heart beats quicker, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. It’s because she smells like a new truck.

Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog.

What do French people say when they are trying to swear politely, pardon my English?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it called a #2 pencil?

The CEOs of L’Oreal and Estée Lauder got into a huge argument last week. But don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll make up soon.

What do the White House and skinny jeans have in common? No ballroom.

The other day I started peeing in the deep end of the pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in!

What is a lifeguard’s favorite type of joke? Dry humor.

Submitting job applications these days kind of feels like writing a letter to Santa back when we were kids.

If I was a serial killer, I want people to call me “The Suspense” so my victims would be like “oh no, the suspense is killing me” and then we would both laugh before before I kill them.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a kid. Do they just show up or is there a number I call? I think they’re having trouble finding me.

I will never understand people’s fascination with ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?

What is the first thing a psychic says when they first meet you? “Now, I know what you’re thinking…”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

My psychic said I would experience unimaginable grief in about 15 years. So to cheer myself up, I bought an adorable puppy!

What happens when you break a psychic’s crystal ball? It costs you a fortune.

Do you ever look in the fridge for a snack only to find no snack-worthy snacks, so you lower your snackspectations and just eat a single slice of cheese or a random grape?

I left my front door open in my Roomba just went out and I can’t find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators.

I just heard someone turn down after-work plans because they had an avocado at home. It’s about to go bad. That’s my favorite excuse yet.

I hate it when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park. I need some privacy.

What do you call a man who identifies as a fish? Mentally eel.

Netflix: You wanna watch a 10-hour movie? Me: No, are you insane? Netflix: What if we break it into 10 1-hour episodes and you watch them all in one sitting? Me: Ooow, that sounds awesome, I’m in.

I’ve been with my wife longer than my parents. So whatever is wrong with me is now her fault.

This new guy at work texted everyone at the office asking for money. Then I saw him in a nice convertible, clearly not broke. Turns out he’s an introvert and that’s his way of keeping people away. What a genius.

The older I get, the more I understand why cats just walk away mid-conversation.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person, they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash.

America is great because when the entire world tried to bully them into using the metric system, they said sure and then only used it for bullets.

Being in your 40s is weird. You’re the youngest of old people and the oldest of young people. Kind of like being the middle child of all adults.

I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit. Technically, yes. But not really.

When I play golf, sometimes I hit the ball so hard that it changes brands when I finally find it.

The bench seat in trucks was made for good dogs and cute girls. The engineer who got rid of them obviously had neither.

Sometimes when I do a task that wasn’t on my to-do list, I add it then mark it off just for the dopamine boost.

I tried handing an apple to a pan handler, but he said “I ain’t got no teeth.” I guess beggars can’t be chewers.

There’s nothing more selfish than an archaeologist who chooses to be cremated. Pay those bones forward!

I think the biggest reason that farts smell is so that deaf people can enjoy them too.

When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way, I was stunned.

What is it called when you have a beer for breakfast? A pour choice.

My wife saw an ant pick up a leaf that was five times his body weight. She said, “Can you imagine being that strong?” I picked up the leaf and I said “Why yes, actually I can.”

What did the farmer say when all but one of his bales of hay were stolen? “This is the last straw”

What does a tractor do right before it runs away? It leaves a John Deere letter.

What’s the difference between a pirate and a fruit farmer? One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries.

What kind of shirt does a farmer wear? A crop top.

I do not understand the urge to amass wealth just to interfere with other people. If I had $62 billion, no one would ever see me again.

What is the last step in the hiring process to become a psychic? The foreground check.

Our accountant went the extra mile by joining every religion possible. He took it literally when we said we wanted to maximize profits.

My friends and I started a band called The Books. Our tagline was “Don’t judge us by our covers.”

Give a man a fish, and you can feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will buy hundreds of dollars of equipment that he will use maybe twice a year.

What do you call someone who is happy on a Monday? Retired!

How do you find the best mechanic in town? Look for the ones that are wreck-amended.

What did the scarecrow say when he was recognized for being outstanding in his field? “Hay, it’s in my jeans.”

Do you ever wonder if kittens go to work in kitten offices, where there’s always that one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies?

Nothing ruins a Friday quite like remembering that it’s only Tuesday.

My last performance review said I lacked passion in intensity. But they’ve never seen me eating alone at Whataburger.

I asked my boss if I could have the day off because we’re doing a lot of spring cleaning at home. He responded “No you can’t, we’re shorthanded.” Then I said “Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!”

The embarrassing part of farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting part of the PowerPoint presentation.

I work for the world‘s biggest nanotechnology company. Apparently, we’re not very good.

Sometimes I wonder why the man who invests all my money is called a broker.

Two fleas walk out of a bar and one says to the other “Should we walk or take the dogs?”

What happens when the local county legalizes marijuana but bans alcohol? The residents are left high and dry.

They say when you lose one sense, your other senses get better. It’s true. I lost my sense of decency and my sense of humor improved.

What does a cloud do when it has an itch? It finds the nearest skyscraper.

You won’t find the first miracle that Jesus performed in the Bible. He finished his first carpentry project without returning to Home Depot a single time.

Without freedom of speech, it would be a lot tougher to know who the idiots are.

Why can’t spreadsheets drive cars? Because they crash too often.

I’m not looking for a job, but I send out applications periodically just so I can tell them the salary range is too low. Just doing my part to make sure the rest of you get paid.

My friend told me he climbed to the peak of Mount Everest. But I wonder if he really made it up.

I heard it costs about $100,000 to climb Mount Everest. That’s a bit too steep for me.

I’m pretty proud of my typing skills. Right up until it’s time to find the perfect emoji. Takes like twice as long as the message.

If I live to 100, I’m gonna make up some random stuff just to mess with people like “I ate a pinecone every day for 40 years.”

I bought my daughter an elephant to decorate her new dorm room. She thanked me, then I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Why can you only find Bigfoot in America? Anywhere else, he would be called big meter.

What do you call the caretaker at a cemetery? Doug Graves.

Kinda funny that the government claims to own all the deer when you hunt but not when one totals your car.

Once per year, every CEO should apply to a job at their own company under a different name to see how maddening the process is for candidates.

One time I gave a speech at a fertility convention. They gave me a standing ovulation.

If hotels really wanted to save the planet, they would invest in towels that take less than a month to dry.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I go to a clothing store fitting room and shout “Wait, there’s no toilet room here!”

My wife asked why there was a strange baby in the crib. I said “You told me to change the baby?

Do you know who is the most passionate about their work? Shoemakers. They put their soles into everything they do.

Sometimes I wonder how many marriages have been saved by dual climate control.

If a thin person goes swimming naked, it’s called skinny-dipping. What if the person is not thin? It’s called a chunky dunk.

Being in your 40s is blasting Gangsta's Paradise in your car as you drive to physical therapy because you hurt your neck sleeping.

Crazy that people won’t hire 70-80 year olds due to supposed physical and mental decline yet we consistently let them run our ENTIRE COUNTRY.

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise party.

Maybe I’m not overthinking. Maybe I’m just regular thinking about stuff that’s overhappening.

I saw a girl eating alone so I decided to sit next to her. Then she started screaming for me to get out of her car.

The next time a self-order kiosk asks for a tip, enter a negative number. It won’t work every time, but eventually you’ll get that tip you earned!

Before I got married, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge. Can’t wait until tomorrow’s lesson.

To keep the World Cup fair, FIFA really should have brought in officials from other planets. Except Uranus, I’ve heard they’re pretty crappy.

My dad wasn’t the world‘s greatest proctologist, but he sure was up there.

What do you call a pizza with only peppers on it? Pepper only pizza.

What do bad insurance and hospital gowns have in common? You think you’re covered, but you’re really not.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance…by fleeing the scene of an accident.

Why did the zombie get health insurance? He wanted peace of mind.

How does Wendy’s refer to McDonald’s? As their arch nemesis.

So apparently “naked hiking” means no GPS, no music, and no distractions. That would have been nice to know yesterday.

If someone gave me a SpaceX T-shirt, I would rock it.

What does Yoda say when you ask him if a derailed train is on the wrong track? Off course it is.

And to my great-grandchildren, I leave 87,236 screenshots. Hopefully you’ll find a few that are useful if you look hard enough.