WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
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| Joke | Likes |
|---|---|
| Tags | Date  |
| My wife orders so much on Amazon that I applied for a job there and they said I could work from home. |   (0) |
| Amazon, Shopping, Work | 12/24/2025 |
| I tried to pay with a $50 bill at Wal-Mart last night and they asked if I had anything smaller since they’ve been having counterfeit bill issues. So I paid with a $25 bill and they gave me my change! | (0) |
| Money, Wal-Mart | 12/24/2025 |
| I tried intermittent fasting. Are 6-minute intervals too long? | (0) |
| Diets | 12/24/2025 |
| I saw chicken tongue on the breakfast menu and thought “Why would anyone eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth?” So I ordered eggs instead. | (0) |
| Chickens, Eggs, Food | 12/24/2025 |
| Remember how 20 years ago we paid for ringtones? And now my phone has been on silent mode for 10 years straight. | (0) |
| Phones | 12/24/2025 |
| When you are in public, make sure you are properly clothed. It’s the bare minimum you can do. | (0) |
| Clothes | 12/24/2025 |
| What is a Christmas tree’s favorite type of candy? Orna-mints! | (0) |
| Candy, Christmas | 12/24/2025 |
| I can’t hear a word you are saying if the strings on your hoodie are uneven. | (0) |
| Clothes | 12/24/2025 |
| Here are two tips for Christmas: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one. | (0) |
| Christmas | 12/24/2025 |
| Two days ago, I named my Wi-Fi network “Hack it if you can.” Yesterday, somebody changed it to “Challenge accepted.” | (0) |
| Hacking, Internet, WiFi | 12/24/2025 |
| I honestly don’t think people without kids realize how much free time they have. Like, you’re basically living on vacation and don’t even notice it. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 12/24/2025 |
| I told my kids to come get me in 10 minutes so we can clean the house. I’ve been able to binge watch three shows, use the bathroom in peace, and finish breakfast without sharing. | (0) |
| Children, Parenting | 12/24/2025 |
| After observing both of them in my backyard this week, I’ve concluded that an armadillo is really just a tactical possum. | (0) |
| Animals, Armadillos, Possums | 12/24/2025 |
| Did you really have a bad day? Or did you have a bad five minutes that you milked all day? | (0) |
| Attitude | 12/24/2025 |
| Whenever the machines do take over, they’re going to access all the data on my fitness tracker and be like “yeah this guy is not a threat.” | (0) |
| AI, Fitness | 12/24/2025 |
| I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. | (0) |
| Scissors | 12/24/2025 |
| I often wonder if my recorded call was really used for training and quality purposes. | (0) |
| Phones, Support | 12/24/2025 |
| Me: “Hey this candle smells like Fireball!” My friends: “Yeah us non-alcoholics call that scent cinnamon.” | (0) |
| Alcohol, Candles, Scents | 12/24/2025 |
| Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie. Hans down. | (0) |
| Christmas, Die Hard | 12/24/2025 |
| I finally got over my addiction to swimming, but I’m worried about the re-laps. | (0) |
| Swimming | 12/24/2025 |
| My Amazon delivery driver told me “Merry Christmas” like he won’t be back at my door another 20 times before Christmas comes. | (0) |
| Amazon, Christmas | 12/24/2025 |
| If you wear a falcon glove to the park and frantically look around in the sky, everyone with a small dog will leave. | (0) |
| Animals, Birds, Dogs | 12/24/2025 |
| Just so you know, it’s no longer called “box wine.” The classy term is “cardboardeaux.” | (0) |
| Alcohol, Wine | 12/24/2025 |
| All you women need to quit wishing for the perfect man for Christmas. I almost got kidnapped by elves three different times today. | (0) |
| Christmas, Relationships | 12/24/2025 |
| I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when hashtags were called pound signs. | (0) |
| Aging, Phones | 12/24/2025 |
| No matter how good the hand soap smells, never walk out of a bathroom sniffing your fingers. | (0) |
| Bathrooms, Scents | 12/24/2025 |
| Statistically, speaking, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a senator. | (0) |
| Crime, Politics | 12/24/2025 |
| Not to brag, but I can shake your hand and forget your name at the same time without even trying. | (0) |
| Attention, Memory | 12/24/2025 |
| Two prisoners escaped from the local jail. One was 7 feet tall, and one was 4 feet tall. The police are looking high and low to find them. | (0) |
| Prison | 12/24/2025 |
| Why did the mouse break up with a keyboard? It just wasn’t his type. | (0) |
| Computers | 12/24/2025 |
| What do you call a man who’s been married and divorced several times? Lord of the rings. | (0) |
| Movies, Relationships | 12/24/2025 |
| Where do divorce attorneys keep all of their paperwork? In the X-Files. | (0) |
| Lawyers | 12/24/2025 |
| What happens when two skunks break up? She takes him for every scent he has. | (0) |
| Animals, Skunks | 12/24/2025 |
| My wife showed me how she would stab me if I ever cheated on her. The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point. | (0) |
| Relationships | 12/24/2025 |
| Getting offended by something on social media is like stepping in dog poop instead of walking around it. | (0) |
| Dogs, Social media | 12/24/2025 |
| I’ve never understood why so many playgrounds have monkey bars. Why are we encouraging monkeys to drink with so many children around? | (0) |
| Children, Monkeys | 12/24/2025 |
| How do you research animal poop habits? With a scatterplot graph. | (0) |
| Animals, Graphs | 12/24/2025 |
| Do you know why Jesus was kind of bummed as a kid? His birthday was always overshadowed by Christmas. | (0) |
| Christmas, Jesus | 12/24/2025 |
| Every time I have a programming question, I ask about it on Reddit then log in with a separate account and post an obscenely wrong answer. I’ve tricked the unhelpful people into responding because they’re always compelled to correct people. | (0) |
| Programming, Reddit | 12/24/2025 |
| Marriage is receiving a text that says “What’s the code you just got?” and hoping they reply fast enough so you don’t have to start all over. | (0) |
| Passwords, Relationships | 12/24/2025 |
| Survivor is getting boring. They should switch it up so that 16 politicians have to teach in a Title 1 school and live on a teacher’s salary. | (0) |
| Politicians, Teachers | 12/24/2025 |
| Every once in a while, I go outside and run the vacuum over the driveway, just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me. | (0) |
| Neighbors | 12/24/2025 |
| Guns N’ Roses is finally releasing their first Christmas album. It’s called “Welcome to the Jingle.” | (0) |
| Christmas, Music | 12/24/2025 |
| It wouldn't be the holidays without a turkey, a fruitcake, and some mixed nuts. But enough about the relatives. | (0) |
| Family, Holidays | 12/24/2025 |
| I never understood how the little drummer boys’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my kids came home with a recorder. | (0) |
| Children, Music | 12/24/2025 |
| Today I'm doing nothing because I started doing it yesterday and I wasn't finished. | (0) |
| Laziness, Procrastination | 12/24/2025 |
| If a coworker is testing your patience today, just remember - someone out there is married to them, has to spend time with them, and doesn’t even get paid for it. | (0) |
| Relationships, Work | 12/24/2025 |
| I have a great product idea: Tupperware that’s already spaghetti-colored. They could sell that for the current price of Tupperware and mark up the clean ones and make a lot more money. | (0) |
| Spaghetti, Tupperware | 12/24/2025 |
| If you’re gonna give your kids bible names, I hope you intend to give them bible lessons. Moses tried to rob me the other day. | (0) |
| Children, Names, Religion | 12/24/2025 |
| At a safety meeting at work today, they asked me what steps I would take in the event of a fire. Apparently “freaking big ones” was not the right answer. | (0) |
| Fire, Safety, Work | 12/24/2025 |
| Every Olympic event should include one average person just for reference. Comedy and appreciation, that’s a win-win. | (0) |
| Olympics | 12/24/2025 |
| What do you call a group of grill masters waiting for a haircut? A barbercue. | (0) |
| Haircuts | 12/24/2025 |
| Why did everyone call Lincoln “Honest Abe”? Because he was always in a cent. | (0) |
| Money, Presidents | 12/24/2025 |
| Sorry I’m late, traffic was exactly the same as it’s been every day the last five years and I was not expecting that. | (0) |
| Traffic | 12/24/2025 |
| Big day today: I just saved another 7 inch scrap of wrapping paper that will never get used. | (0) |
| Paper | 12/24/2025 |
| When your kid looks exactly like your husband, it’s like you did all the work on a project and he got the better grade. | (0) |
| Children | 12/24/2025 |
| I made my wife's dreams come true and we got married in a castle. But the look on her face as we were bouncing around says otherwise. | (0) |
| Relationship | 12/24/2025 |
| Netflix should change that message from “Are you still watching?” to “You should shower and come back.” | (0) |
| Netflix, Television | 12/24/2025 |
| It seems a little unfair that the people that want to go to bed have to put the people to bed that don’t want to go to bed. | (0) |
| Parenting, Sleep | 12/24/2025 |
| Gideon Sunback invented the zipper in 1906. Which makes him Lord of the flies. | (0) |
| Zippers | 12/24/2025 |
| What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to Luke Skywalker as he watched Luke struggle to use chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant? Use the forks, Luke. | (0) |
| Food, Star Wars | 12/24/2025 |
| Wherever I go, I like to lean against a large clock. That way time is on my side. | (0) |
| Clocks, Time | 12/24/2025 |
| My kid always leaves me the last bite from her meal. Here I was thinking she was a kind soul and then I realized she tricked me into washing her dishes. I can’t decide if I’m upset or proud. | (0) |
| Children, Chores, Food | 12/24/2025 |
| If you think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, you've clearly don’t work in customer service during the holidays. | (0) |
| Holidays, Work | 12/24/2025 |
| I want to throw a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “WTF is that thing?” and then that is where I will live. | (0) |
| Snow, Weather | 12/24/2025 |
| Everyone hates Karens until there’s one on the same delayed flight and all of a sudden we’re all getting a $200 voucher. | (0) |
| Airplanes, Complaining | 12/24/2025 |
| Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is my favorite story about how everyone treats you like crap until they need something from you. | (0) |
| Christmas, People, Rudolph | 12/24/2025 |
| If your wife forgives you then 30 minutes later comes back mad at you again, that means she had a meeting with herself and the board of personalities didn’t agree with her decision. | (0) |
| Relationships | 12/24/2025 |
| I just learned that the formal definition for a group of toddlers is called a migraine. | (0) |
| Children | 12/24/2025 |
| I hate when people ask about my career goals. I just want to read a book, play outside, take a nap, and eat some snacks. Basically I’m aiming for kindergarten, but with adult money. | (0) |
| Work | 12/24/2025 |
| You show people who you really are based on how you say the word REPRESENTATIVE to an automated phone service. | (0) |
| Customer service | 12/24/2025 |
| I hate it when I leave stuff in my online cart and the company emails me saying “Forget something?” “Yeah, I forgot I don’t have $937.” | (0) |
| Money, Shopping | 12/24/2025 |
| Chuck Norris once won a Grammy for playing air guitar. | (0) |
| Chuck Norris, Music | 12/24/2025 |
| Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns off. | (0) |
| Food, Hamburgers, Weather | 12/24/2025 |
| I gave up my seat on the bus to an old man. And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver. | (0) |
| Driving | 12/24/2025 |
| I gave away a bunch of cookies shaped like Russia, China, and Australia. Those were my biggest dough nations this year. | (0) |
| Cookies, Countries | 12/24/2025 |
| What do you call a light-toned guy whose parents both have red hair? A ginger-bred man. | (0) |
| Ginger | 12/24/2025 |
| What’s the best way to clear cookies from your computer? One bite at a time. | (0) |
| Computers, Cookies | 12/24/2025 |
| What do you call a gingerbread man missing one leg? Limp Biscuit. | (0) |
| Cookies | 12/24/2025 |
| I accidentally clicked “disable cookies” today, and now all my gingerbread men have no legs. | (0) |
| Computers, Cookies | 12/24/2025 |
| Today I heard a girl order a margarita after finding out there was no Diet Coke. That feels like how I handle most of my life decisions. | (0) |
| Life | 12/24/2025 |
| Libraries were a good start, but we need more places where people aren’t allowed to talk. | (0) |
| Silence | 12/24/2025 |
| Apparently Santa can now only deliver presents within 200 miles now that he has an electric sleigh. | (0) |
| Electricity, Santa | 12/24/2025 |
| My wife said I’m nuts. I responded “But if you fall, I’ll cashew.” | (0) |
| Food, Nuts | 12/24/2025 |
| Christmas is great because you can shout “Don't come in here!” and people assume you're wrapping their presents, instead of just wanting to be left alone. | (0) |
| Christmas, Peace | 12/24/2025 |
| What happens when the dwarves catch the flu? You get the sick seven. | (0) |
| Dwarves, Flu, Six seven | 12/24/2025 |
| How does Santa know which chimneys he’s been down already? He keeps a log. | (0) |
| Christmas, Santa | 12/24/2025 |
| My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Joke’s on them because I’m at the mall right now and guess who’s here. | (0) |
| Children, Santa, Shopping | 12/24/2025 |
| I took my son to see Santa at the mall and he stunk of booze and cigarettes. God knows what Santa must’ve thought. | (0) |
| Children, Santa, Shopping | 12/24/2025 |
| If the entire human population held hands around the equator, a significant portion of them would probably drown. | (0) |
| Geography | 12/6/2025 |
| My wife got me an amazing new saw for Father’s Day. It’s cutting edge technology! | (0) |
| Presents, Saws | 12/6/2025 |
| They said “It’s just like riding a bike.” My response: “Oh cool, the vehicle I’ve crashed more than any other…” | (0) |
| Bicycles, Driving | 12/6/2025 |
| This Christmas, I’m giving my family members a card that says “A donation has been made in your name to my therapist.” | (0) |
| Christmas, Therapy | 12/6/2025 |
| Every time I suggest to my wife that she should help salt and shovel the front steps, all I end up with is icy stares. | (0) |
| Relationships, Snow | 12/6/2025 |
| If athletes get athlete’s foot, what does Santa get? Missile toe. | (0) |
| Christmas, Feet, Santa | 12/6/2025 |
| They say your body is a temple. Well, my body is at best, a bouncy castle that is slowly deflating. | (0) |
| Aging | 12/6/2025 |
| If you’re the oldest child, just remember…you’re the reason your parents thought “yeah, let’s do that again.” Imagine having that kind of influence. | (0) |
| Children | 12/6/2025 |
| Want to make someone’s day more exciting? Text “on my way” at 7:30 am on a day when you don’t have any plans. | (0) |
| Friends | 12/6/2025 |
| Yesterday I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, saying they caught it from me. Those freaking liars! | (0) |
| Sickness, Work | 12/6/2025 |
| My watch stopped working yesterday. Now it’s just a timeless keepsake. | (0) |
| Time, Watches | 12/6/2025 |
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