WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES

I pulled up next to a guy driving at a Beamer at a red light and told him I think his blinker fluid might be low. He thanked me and said, “That’s weird, I never use it!”

What do you call 67% of a pile of poop? Two turds.

It’s kind of wild that anyone can make a baby but you need a permit to build a shed.

You know, we didn't have all these problems back when Pluto was a real planet.

My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who intentionally grab my plastic cup of vodka.

You can have a woman with long, beautiful hair, or you can be on time. But not both. Same goes with unclogged drains.

Last week I went to the national convention at Heinz. I always relish the opportunity to ketchup with old friends.

I don’t like all these apps featuring photo memories because I’m usually wearing the same shirt as I was 10 years ago.

There is no way to maintain your dignity while trying to pull apart two shopping carts.

Thankfully, Jesus knows the difference between a devil worshiper and your two year-old dressed up as a pumpkin.

Let me get this straight, the CIA can hack my TV and hear every word I say, but the drive-through speaker at McDonald’s still can’t hear me say “no pickles?”

Confucius say: man who farts in church sit in pew.

Confucius say: man with big beer belly have perpetual hangover.

When my dad died, he wanted his remains to be scattered at Yellowstone Park. But when I got there, the park ranger said “Wait, he needs to be cremated first!”

Have you ever been at a job so long that all the original characters are gone and you’re in season six with a whole new cast?

Here’s how my week is going: I pulled a pillowcase out of the dryer thinking it was a T-shirt, and it took me 30 seconds to realize it wasn’t a T-shirt or pants.

There are almost 500 billionaires on the planet and what’s sad is that not one of them has decided to become Batman. Unless they are really good at it.

I saw a dog with a vest that says “Not friendly, do not touch.” Now I’m wondering if they make those in my size.

Having two kids is basically being HR for a company with two employees that violate company policy every 11 minutes.

Gen X is probably the only generation being told to turn the music down by both their parents and their kids.

I think we should make Halloween caroling a thing. Earn that candy with a little rendition of Monster Mash.

What do you call someone who only makes iced coffees? A brrrrista.

We’re going to open a coffee shop at church. Should we name it Hebrews or Holy Grounds?

I wonder if Amazon realizes how many times they ask us for feedback before we even open the package that’s been sitting by the door for over a week.

For $200, I will come to your house with a branded polo and a full tool belt and tell your wife the renovation she wants is impossible because the wall is loadbearing.

I don’t care for computer jokes. Not one bit.

I keep having this crazy recurring dream where I’m being chased by female horse. I’m pretty sure it’s a night mare.

When fall finally comes in Texas, it’s wild. The temperature drops from 95 to 60 like it just saw a state trooper.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye. But if you bake brownies with a laxative, everyone loses their crap.

Kids these days complain about road trips while holding an iPad. I used to stare out the window for six hours hoping we would pass a cow.

Can someone show me how to set my Teams status to “Please ask someone else?” Yes, I see the irony.

90% of parenting is saying “Oh wow!” to things that usually the complete opposite of wow.

A bank just informed me that they couldn’t continue my application because they couldn’t confirm my address. They told me this by mailing me a letter. To my address.

I just changed my alarm clock to wake me up to a Justin Bieber song. Now I wake up five minutes earlier, so I don’t have to listen to it.

Who is the worst musician to take on a camping trip? Billy Joel, because he never starts the fire.

What do musicians use to play longer notes? An extension chord.

When is a joke like a treadmill? When it’s a running joke and an inside joke at the same time.

What is an architect’s favorite type of shoes? Sketchers!

If someone annoying says “you look so familiar,” reply with “were we in prison together?” Guaranteed to make them leave you alone.

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve already taken my pen part and lost the spring.

If you’re wondering why my phone address book is so big, it’s because most of them are so when I’ll know not to answer the phone.

I just reset my voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and send me a text message because I haven’t checked my voicemail since 2005.”

We found one of the chickens in our coop dead this morning. Police suspect it was fowl play.

What do you get from a thin cow, skim milk or condensed milk?

I asked my daughter if she knew how to make gold soup. She didn’t, so I told her that all you have to do is put 24 carats in it.

What kind of dog did King Midas have? At first it was a labrador retriever, but after he touched it, it turned to a golden retriever.

My dog is really worried about the economy because the price of kibble is up to $3 a can, which is $21 in dog money.

How does James Bond order his fifth martini? Shaken and slurred.

Why does James Bond prefer earthquakes instead of tornadoes? He’d rather be shaken than stirred.

In which movie did James Bond procrastinate about coloring his hair? Dye another day.

What do you call the pretty girl at a golf course that drives around in a cart making mixed drinks? The partender.

Raisin cookies that look just like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

Why is it that facial recognition software can pick out the right person in a crowd of 1,000 people but a vending machine still can’t read a dollar bill with a bent corner?

Pickleball is the only sport where I can get beat by someone going through puberty and another one on Medicare in the same day.

I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.

You’ve probably noticed that most professional athletes fly first class. But how about after they retire? They go coach.

On our first date, my wife asked me if I wanted to split the bill. I said “Absolutely not, I don’t eat that part of the duck.”

Halloween is my favorite time of year. When kids come to the door, I ask them to tell me a dad joke. If it’s good, they get Snickers!

Why is it perfectly okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come over, but when I do it, it’s considered rude and antisocial?

What’s the best dating site for chess players? checkmate.com.

Where is the best place to find a good used chess set? At a pawn shop.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there is something very wrong with your dog.

I just wrote a book about my first car. It’s an autobiography.

I wonder if any cop has ever kept a straight face telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.

I sent a text message to a bunch of my friends saying “Hey guys, I lost my phone, will you please call it?” 12 of them called me. Seems like I need some smarter friends.

My doctor told me to stop eating bacon, so that’s going to be a big change for me. After all, I’ve been going to that doctor for over 20 years.

Huge shout out to the people who danced close to the speakers in junior high.

Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican restaurant in the United States. And that’s why we have the electoral college.

I send flowers to my neighbor’s wife signed “From Steve” every Friday night then watch them fight from my living room window while I eat popcorn.

After realizing that kids wear carrying around $1,000 of ribbon around, pawnshops in Texas started accepting mums as collateral.

Did you know the first stick of chewing gum ever made is on display at Wrigley Field? It is still in mint condition.

If you think the cup sizes at Starbucks are expensive, wait until you go into a Victoria’s Secret.

I went to my stylist and asked for a haircut like Tom Cruise, so first she gave me a booster seat.

What do you call a bodybuilder who pivots into ministry? A cross trainer.

I asked my boss which machine at the gym attracts the most girls. He said, “I’m pretty sure it’s the ATM machine.”

What is a bodybuilder‘s favorite type of whiskey? Jacked Daniels.

What is a lazy person‘s favorite exercise? Jack squats.

I don’t like the term cracker. I think I’m more of a crouton. Yeah I’m white, but I got some flavor.

What is a zombie’s favorite way to exercise? Dead lifts.

I thought about buying one of those fancy fleshless toilets, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

One day, I want to throw a gander reveal party. Geese emerge from everywhere. No fireworks, only geese. No balloons, only chaos. No genders, only honk.

My friend refers to his kids as STDs (sexually transmitted dependents). Just wait until his wife finds out!

In 1995 we said “Don’t get in the car with strangers.” In 2005 we said “Don’t meet people off the internet.” In 2015, Uber said “Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car.”

Adding protein powder to regular food is the best diet tip. For example, I just put some on my pancakes and now they’re so disgusting I can’t eat them.

I owe the restaurant vibrating coaster an apology. No app to download, no QR code to order, no phone number to give. Just order at the counter and wait for the plastic hockey puck to have a seizure.

If anyone ever tells you that your dreams are silly, remember that there’s some rich dude walking around that invented the pool noodle.

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off of the building? Tequila.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in cereal boxes.

Do you know why I deduced to become a mechanic? I had an auto body experience.

I lost my job as a carpenter. I didn’t have enough shelf discipline.

While I was in college studying geology, I worked the night shift as a welder. I’m really into rock and metal.

It must be difficult being an electrician. They have to strip to make ends meet.

My mechanic asked me if I’ve ever rotated my tires. I said, “How do you think I got here?

Because of Hamilton, everybody knows about Aaron Burr. But did you know about his lumberjack brother Tim?

What kind of nail do carpenters hate to hammer in? Fingernails.

Where do electricians buy all their supplies? At Ohm Depot.

My boss said to dress for the job I want, not the job I had. But when I came in dressed as Batman, he wasn’t smiling like the Joker.

Dallas cops are the worst. Not only did they pull me over for nothing, they gave me to tickets - to a Cowboys game.

People with ADHD often say “huh?” Before answering. We’re not deaf, our brains just lag sometimes like Internet Explorer.