WORLD CLASS DAD JOKES
Every day should start out with a good dad joke!
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Showing 1,522 dad jokes...
Joke | Likes |
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Tags | Date |
Which mountain should you climb to find wisdom? Mount Cleverest. | (0) |
Mountains | 5/17/2024 |
What is so uncomfortable about going to the dentist? They always seem to start with a cavity search. | (0) |
Dentists | 5/17/2024 |
My friend was a struggling artist until he started sculpting. He made six figures last year! | (0) |
Artists | 5/17/2024 |
Batman isn’t great at picking up women. He’s more of a wingman. | (0) |
Batman, Superheroes | 5/17/2024 |
Batman and Superman are the little mermaid’s favorite superheroes, because they’re under DC. | (0) |
Batman, Superheroes, Superman | 5/17/2024 |
Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in three moves. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 5/17/2024 |
If you have your grandma on speed dial, that’s insta-gram. | (0) |
Grandma, Social Media | 5/17/2024 |
I stopped into the Wal-Mart employee break room today. It’s the least they could do for making me use the self-checkout line… | (0) |
Wal-Mart | 5/17/2024 |
I don’t know needs to hear this, but you’re a great gardener. That plant just didn’t try hard enough. | (0) |
Gardening | 5/17/2024 |
Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. At first, it’s all hearts and diamonds, but by the end you need a club and spade. | (0) |
Cards, Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
Pro wrestling seems kind of pointless. It’s just a bunch of guys with no pants on fighting over a belt. | (0) |
Wrestling | 5/17/2024 |
I’ve tried to make some chemistry jokes, but it turns out I’m no good atom. | (0) |
Chemistry, Science | 5/17/2024 |
I ate my last piece of cheese yesterday, and now it's raining. Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone. | (0) |
Cheese, Food | 5/17/2024 |
What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. | (0) |
Sneezing | 5/17/2024 |
I think my dentist was hitting on me. She wants me to see me again soon and said I have acute halitosis. | (0) |
Dentists | 5/17/2024 |
My wife Florence really knows how to run a household. I always just go with the Flo. | (0) |
Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
Some people struggle to sleep, but I can do it with my eyes closed! | (0) |
Sleeping | 5/17/2024 |
I’m so glad I learned to play the recorder as a child. I’ve resolved so many conflicts with a quick blast of three blind mice. | (0) |
Music | 5/17/2024 |
My geography teacher asked me to name a country without the word R in it. I said no way. | (0) |
Geography, School | 5/17/2024 |
I'm giving away a legless parrot for free. No perches necessary. | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Parrots | 5/17/2024 |
A good woman is always by your side during the bad times to remind you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her in the first place. | (0) |
Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
A wise man once told his wife: Nothing, because he was a wise man. | (0) |
Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
My son went to school to learn how to design highways. I guess you could call him a road scholar. | (0) |
Roads, School | 5/17/2024 |
I just met a world traveler who claims he never gets angry. I think he was a nomad. | (0) |
Nomads | 5/17/2024 |
I finally decided to propose to my vegan fiancé. Should I go with one carrot or two? | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
My favorite Mexican restaurant just closed. I am too upset to taco bout it. | (0) |
Food, Restaurants | 5/17/2024 |
What famous general was killed by a cannon? Napoleon blown apart. | (0) |
Military | 5/17/2024 |
I’m writing a book about how to homebrew your own beer. I am on my fourth draft. | (0) |
Beer, Books | 5/17/2024 |
How do proctologists get started? They work their way up from the bottom. | (0) |
Doctors | 5/17/2024 |
Bowlers are such empathetic people. They are always putting themselves in other people’s shoes. | (0) |
Bowling | 5/17/2024 |
I love it when I wake up to the scent of my wife making a nice smokehouse breakfast. I just wish the smoke detectors weren’t so loud. | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 5/17/2024 |
My doctor told me I have a very rare disease. When I asked him what it was called, he said, “What do you want it to be called?” | (0) |
Doctors | 5/17/2024 |
My friend said “You can’t save everyone, sometimes they have to save themselves.” He wasn’t a very good lifeguard. | (0) |
Lifeguards | 5/17/2024 |
For as long as I can, remember, I’ve been struggling with amnesia. | (0) |
Amnesia | 5/17/2024 |
What did the dog say after it sat on sandpaper? Rough. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Sandpaper | 5/17/2024 |
All of my socks have holes in them. How else are you going to get your feet in? | (0) |
Socks | 5/17/2024 |
I’m not sure who runs the military, but I have a general idea. | (0) |
Military | 5/17/2024 |
What’s the best way to describe airline food? Plane. | (0) |
Food, Planes | 5/17/2024 |
Boeing is now making golf clubs. There’s a high probability of a hole in one! | (0) |
Golf | 5/17/2024 |
Why do golf commentators tend to whisper? They are trying not to wake up the people watching at home. | (0) |
Golf | 5/17/2024 |
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables. I don’t think that’s nececelery true. | (0) |
Food, Vegetables | 5/17/2024 |
I tried watching a beaver documentary but the stream kept stopping. | (0) |
Animals, Beavers | 5/17/2024 |
I used to be in a band called the radiators. We were the warm-up act. | (0) |
Bands, Cars | 5/17/2024 |
Did you hear that Google put the Chrome logo on all their cars? I bet if Microsoft did that, they would have an edge. | (0) |
Browsers, Cars | 5/17/2024 |
What do you call a snowman throwing a temper tantrum? A meltdown! | (0) |
Snowmen | 5/17/2024 |
What did the investigator ask the pilot who cheated on his exam? Do you copy? | (0) |
Pilots | 5/17/2024 |
What do you call a wise old grape? The voice of raisin. | (0) |
Food, Grapes | 5/17/2024 |
I only have one weakness: ice cream and math. | (0) |
Food, Ice Creams, Math | 5/17/2024 |
Once I rubbed cologne from a magazine on me. Someone said, “You smell so good, what are you wearing?” I said page 12… | (0) |
Cologne | 5/17/2024 |
Things dogs think at a tennis match: “Why are the humans so mad at my fetch toy?!?” | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Tennis | 5/17/2024 |
Why is machine learning so popular? Because of all the humans forgetting. | (0) |
Machine Learning | 5/17/2024 |
There have been reports of a suspicious person lurking around my kids’ school. But I’ve been there every day this month and haven’t noticed anything. | (0) |
School | 5/17/2024 |
Which villain always brings Superman foot pain? His arch nemesis. | (0) |
Feet, Superheroes | 5/17/2024 |
What is an Oscar winner’s favorite pasta? Rigatoni. | (0) |
Food, Movies, Pasta | 5/17/2024 |
When Van Gogh got in trouble as a kid, his mom gave him an earful. | (0) |
Artists | 5/17/2024 |
My grandpa was credited with taking down 35 planes during World War II. Eventually, they found out how bad of a mechanic he was. | (0) |
Grandpa, War | 5/17/2024 |
Scientists often say we should question everything. Why? | (0) |
Science | 5/17/2024 |
Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who were indecisive. | (0) |
Animals, Squirrels | 5/17/2024 |
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about five dollars. Deer nuts are just under a buck. | (0) |
Animals, Nuts | 5/17/2024 |
I was surprised when I found out my dad used to be a mime. He never talked about it. | (0) |
Mimes | 5/17/2024 |
They should have served more root beer on the titanic, because root beer floats. | (0) |
Root beer, Titanic | 5/17/2024 |
If you like to prank people by lighting a bag of poop on fire, be careful or you’ll end up with turd degree burns. | (0) |
Fire, Poop | 5/17/2024 |
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene. | (0) |
Designers, Work | 5/17/2024 |
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is. | (0) |
Alcohol, Beer | 5/17/2024 |
Why don’t ghosts like the rain? Because it dampens their spirits. | (0) |
Ghosts, Rain | 5/17/2024 |
Some people understand Roman numerals. I for one, do not. | (0) |
Math | 5/17/2024 |
Where can you get an entry-level job with 1000 people beneath you? The graveyard. | (0) |
Work | 5/17/2024 |
Who is King Arthur’s most vigilant night? Surveillance. | (0) |
Knights | 5/17/2024 |
I’m starting a job installing billboards and I’m not telling anyone, but there will be signs. | (0) |
Signs, Work | 4/26/2024 |
Why was the detective fired? Because he was clueless. | (0) |
Detectives | 4/26/2024 |
I don’t know what all the eclipse hype was about. I’d only give it a 1-star review. | (0) |
Eclipse, Stars | 4/26/2024 |
Marriage is aggressive, finding out who your wife always wanted you to be. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
If you’re looking for Twitter’s headquarters, X marks the spot. | (0) |
Social media | 4/26/2024 |
What is a four letter word with a small laugh in the middle. | (0) |
Words | 4/26/2024 |
What do you call a girl who lives at the beach? Sandra. | (0) |
Beach, Names | 4/26/2024 |
What does a pirate say on Wheel of Fortune? Can I buy an I? | (0) |
Pirates | 4/26/2024 |
How do you track an eclipse using Excel? VLOOKUP. | (0) |
Eclipse, Excel | 4/26/2024 |
People often ask me how I can tell my wife apart from her twin. It’s easy, my wife has green eyes, and her twin is a man. | (0) |
Relationships, Twins | 4/26/2024 |
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
A woman fainted on the airport baggage carousel, but it was okay, she came around. | (0) |
Airports | 4/26/2024 |
The boat store had a major sale on paddles. It was a pretty big oar deal. Canoe believe it! | (0) |
Boats, Canoes | 4/26/2024 |
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget. | (0) |
Accountants, Constipation | 4/26/2024 |
Where did the founding fathers keep their money? Bank of America. | (0) |
Banks | 4/26/2024 |
“Was it closed?” is not the best thing to say to your wife when she gets home from a day at the beauty salon… | (0) |
Relationships, Salons | 4/26/2024 |
When you get older, digestion is a bit of a crapshoot. | (0) |
Age, Digestion | 4/26/2024 |
My girlfriend was addicted to Twitter, but she is now my ex. | (0) |
Social media | 4/26/2024 |
Why did the orange lose the race? Because it ran out of juice. | (0) |
Food, Fruit, Oranges | 4/26/2024 |
Why did the lion cross the road? To get to the other pride. | (0) |
Animals, Lions | 4/26/2024 |
Do you know why Aladdin always wins the magic carpet race? He uses performance enhancing rugs. | (0) |
Aladdin, Rugs | 4/26/2024 |
Baseball umpires have a pretty modern occupation. Every four days, they get to work from home. | (0) |
Baseball, Work | 4/26/2024 |
Which avenger is the best at gardening? The Hulk, he has a green thumb. | (0) |
Avengers, Gardening, Hulk | 4/26/2024 |
A woman once lost her wedding ring when she was gardening 15 years ago. Yesterday she found it growing on a vegetable. Now it’s a one carrot ring. | (0) |
Gardening, Jewelry | 4/26/2024 |
Home Depot is having a big sale on potting soil. You can get it at dirt cheap prices! | (0) |
Dirt | 4/26/2024 |
What’s the first thought that goes through a newborn’s mind after birth? “I’m glad to be out. I was running out of womb.” | (0) |
Babies, Newborns | 4/26/2024 |
I'm writing a manual about how to tumble down the stairs. It will be a step by step guide and out by next fall. | (0) |
Books, Steps | 4/26/2024 |
I saw my wife putting on some sexy lingerie this morning. That can only mean one thing – it’s laundry day. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 30% of their ice cream. | (0) |
Kids, Taxes | 4/26/2024 |
My city just began taxing garbage bags. Some people think it’s too hefty, others are glad. Personally, I think it’s full of trash. | (0) |
Taxes, Trash | 4/26/2024 |
I have two friends: one is a boxer, and one is an anesthesiologist. Both have knocked me out before. | (0) |
Boxers, Doctors, Friends | 4/26/2024 |
Did you know that if you turn it upside down, the word gullible looks like a cat? | (0) |
Words | 4/26/2024 |
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he’s not chicken. | (0) |
Animals, Turkeys | 4/26/2024 |
How do you measure the quality of a dad joke? Use a sighs-mograph. | (0) |
Jokes | 4/26/2024 |
When Chuck Norris was late to school, the other kids were punished for being too early. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, School | 4/26/2024 |
How do you know you’ve been working too long in spreadsheets? Somebody asks you to copy and paste, and all you hear is coffee and pastries. | (0) |
Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/26/2024 |
Today, I was struggling to get my wife’s attention. So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So I told him to leave me alone, and then I asked him why he was ignoring me. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
Why do cannibals ask so many questions before they eat their meals? They like their meat well grilled. | (0) |
Cannibals | 4/26/2024 |
I’ve tried writing jokes about planes, but they rarely take off and when they do, they never land well. | (0) |
Planes | 4/26/2024 |
My dad said he’d throw me off a cliff if I didn’t eat my vegetables. But I knew it was only a bluff. | (0) |
Kids | 4/26/2024 |
I asked my wife how much she spent on a bottle of wine. She said about 30 minutes. | (0) |
Relationships, Wine | 4/26/2024 |
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but speed enforcement cameras contain 5.5 pounds of copper. | (0) |
Copper, Speeding | 4/26/2024 |
Later, I’m going to give you an important lesson in playing guitar. Stay tuned. | (0) |
Guitars | 4/26/2024 |
I took a friend to see the world’s biggest fan. He was blown away! | (0) |
Fans | 4/26/2024 |
What do you call a starving hippopotamus in Budapest? A hungry, Hungary hippo. | (0) |
Hippos | 4/26/2024 |
What is a cannibal’s favorite weekend breakfast? French toes! | (0) |
Cannibals | 4/26/2024 |
I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is. But my mind keeps going blanc. | (0) |
French, White | 4/26/2024 |
I’ve got a couple of sock puppets for sale. Anyone interested in taking them off my hands? | (0) |
Socks | 4/26/2024 |
I lost my wife's audiobook. Now I'll never hear the end of it! | (0) |
Books, Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
Pre means before. Post means after. To use both prefixes together would be...preposterous. | (0) |
Words | 4/26/2024 |
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the 13th. The next day, he won the lottery. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Luck | 4/26/2024 |
When people say they can’t see anything good in you, give them a hug and say “life is difficult for the blind.” | (0) |
Blindness | 4/26/2024 |
I got in a fight with one, three, five, seven, and nine. The odds were against me. | (0) |
Numbers | 4/26/2024 |
Good news - I farted on my wallet and now I have gas money! | (0) |
Farts | 4/26/2024 |
How can you tell if a pepper is angry? It gets jalapeño face. | (0) |
Food, Peppers | 4/26/2024 |
Not everyone can play golf the way I do. It takes a lot of balls. | (0) |
Golf | 4/26/2024 |
What is a unicorn’s horn made of? According to the name, it’s corn. | (0) |
Unicorns | 4/26/2024 |
If you cut a cake in three pieces, each is 0.33 of the cake, and if you multiply that by three, it’s only 0.99. Where’s the missing 0.01? On the knife. | (0) |
Cake, Food, Math | 4/26/2024 |
Chuck Norris won the Indy 500 in a Prius with a flat battery. | (0) |
Cars, Chuck Norris | 4/26/2024 |
When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid. | (0) |
Stupidity | 4/26/2024 |
What is it called when two women named Rachel get married? An inter-Rachel marriage. | (0) |
Marriage, Rachels | 4/26/2024 |
I went to a very, very mediocre carnival last weekend. It was called Fair Enough. | (0) |
Carnivals, Fairs | 4/26/2024 |
If marijuana was legalized nationwide, employment levels would remain high. | (0) |
Drugs, Work | 4/26/2024 |
I replaced an interstate lamp earlier. It was the high light of my day. | (0) |
Lights | 4/26/2024 |
I don’t get why people think lip rings are attractive. They make you look like a fish that got away. | (0) |
Jewelry, Piercings | 4/26/2024 |
It would be nice if some people came with a 30-second trailer so we know what we’re getting into. | (0) |
Trailers | 4/26/2024 |
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn’t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet. | (0) |
Bacon, Hotels | 4/26/2024 |
I got rejected for a job at a moisturizer factory, but they told me to keep applying. | (0) |
Lotion, Work | 4/26/2024 |
Yesterday, my wife darned my socks. Then she cursed my shoes, damned my trousers, and hexed underwear. | (0) |
Clothes, Relationships | 4/26/2024 |
Fire-breathing dragons don’t explode. But a dino might. | (0) |
Dinosaurs, Dragons | 4/26/2024 |
Today I saved $347.58 by not going to Costco to buy blueberries. | (0) |
Shopping | 4/26/2024 |
My password expired, so I entered ChuckNorris as the new one. Google said it was too strong. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Passwords | 4/26/2024 |
One day, I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar, and that’s when I realized my whole life was a joke. | (0) |
Jokes | 4/26/2024 |
I went to a comedy club last night, and the opening act was an illustrator. I wasn’t expecting much, but she really drew a crowd. | (0) |
Artists | 4/26/2024 |
Why don’t fish learn much in schools? Because they’re always playing hooky. | (0) |
Fish, School | 4/26/2024 |
Which boy band always has to wash their hands at the same time? In Sink. | (0) |
Bands | 4/26/2024 |
I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me. | (0) |
Wipers | 4/7/2024 |
What do you call a religious person that sleepwalks? A roaming catholic. | (0) |
Catholics, Sleepwalking | 4/7/2024 |
My daughter complains that I make too many outdated pop culture references. I told her she can just talk to the hand. | (0) |
Pop culture | 4/7/2024 |
What did the earthquake say to all the destroyed buildings? Sorry, my fault. | (0) |
Earthquakes | 4/7/2024 |
I heard on the news that someone crossed a hyena with a poodle. They’re calling it a snickerdoodle. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 4/7/2024 |
Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum. | (0) |
Math | 4/7/2024 |
I found a big screen TV on eBay for only $20 because the volume was stuck on full. I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down! | (0) |
Television | 4/7/2024 |
Chuck Norris once strangled a guy with a wireless mouse. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 4/7/2024 |
Scientists figured out how to grow vocal cords in a lab. The results speak for themselves! | (0) |
Science, Speaking | 4/7/2024 |
Head, shoulders, knees, and toes used to be a kid’s song. Now it’s just a list of all the things that hurt. | (0) |
Children, Pain | 4/7/2024 |
I want to give a shout out to the guy who just watched a called third strike pitch go by. | (0) |
Baseball | 4/7/2024 |
An Excel file walks into a bar in the bartender says, “You’re new here. Shall I start a new tab?” | (0) |
Bars, Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/7/2024 |
Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you should do when you take them out of the oven. | (0) |
Food, Muffins | 4/7/2024 |
My son was supposed to be a cloud in the school play with four other kids. But during the performance, there were eight of them. It was overcast. | (0) |
Clowns, Plays | 4/7/2024 |
My friend eats a lot of frozen apples. That’s pretty hard-core. | (0) |
Apples, Food | 4/7/2024 |
Did you hear who won the Asian cooking contest? It was a Thai. | (0) |
Asian, Food | 4/7/2024 |
The makers of Fast X missed a great opportunity to name it Fast Ten Your Seatbelts. | (0) |
Fast, Furious | 4/7/2024 |
What do you call jokes about watches and clocks? Timeless humor. | (0) |
Time, Watches | 4/7/2024 |
I asked my daughter to bring me a cookie and she said “Dad, I think you have a weight problem.” I said, “I know, I’m still waiting on you to bring me that cookie.” | (0) |
Children, Cookies | 4/7/2024 |
I’ve been taking this course on landscaping. We’ve covered a lot of ground so far. | (0) |
Landscaping | 4/7/2024 |
What do you call the detective that draws the corpse chalk outlines? Tracy. | (0) |
Detectives, Homicide | 4/7/2024 |
I’m a boxer and a bartender. My strongest punch can knock you out in more ways than one! | (0) |
Bartenders, Boxers | 4/7/2024 |
I was setting up a Disney+ account, and it asked me for an 8-character password. I typed Snow White and the seven dwarfs. | (0) |
Disney, Passwords | 4/7/2024 |
A turtle walks into a bar with a girl on its back. The bartender says "What's that on your back?" The turtle says "Oh, it's just Michelle." | (0) |
Animals, Turtles | 4/7/2024 |
I met my wife at a singles night. It was surprising, because I thought she was at home with the kids. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/7/2024 |
Why does the Easter bunny's fur always look so perfect? He uses hare spray. | (0) |
Bunny, Easter, Fur | 4/7/2024 |
What kind of music does the Easter bunny listen to? Hip-hop. | (0) |
Bunny, Easter, Music | 4/7/2024 |
I’m trying to step-up my game, so I entered a stair-climbing contest. | (0) |
Stairs | 4/7/2024 |
I always keep a piece of candy in my pocket. It could be a life saver. | (0) |
Candy | 4/7/2024 |
Someone just asked me when the clocks go forward? I said, um, all the time? | (0) |
Clocks, Time | 4/7/2024 |
It’s April 2nd now, everything on the internet is true again. | (0) |
April Fools, Internet | 4/7/2024 |
What has six eyes but can’t see a thing? Three blind mice. | (0) |
Blind, Eyes, Mice | 4/7/2024 |
Ancient Egyptian kids did not realize that their dad would turn into a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians! | (0) |
Kardashians, Mummies | 4/7/2024 |
My doctor messed up and my plastic surgery was complementary. The look on my face was priceless. | (0) |
Plastic surgery | 4/7/2024 |
My wife always seems to be laughing and gossiping. I guess she has a great sense of rumor. | (0) |
Relationships, Rumors | 4/7/2024 |
We just came up with a motto for my miniature golf team: No player is bigger than the club. | (0) |
Clubs, Golf | 4/7/2024 |
What did the bass say when it swim into a wall? Damn. What did the wall say back? Dumb bass! | (0) |
Animals, Fish | 4/7/2024 |
Someone robbed my candle store. They took every scent I had. | (0) |
Candles, Scents | 4/7/2024 |
Which animal is the best at running track? Lap dogs. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Track | 4/7/2024 |
How do you treat bird flu and swine flu? With tweetment and oinkment. | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Flu, Pigs | 4/7/2024 |
I put all my money on A. That’s what you call an alpha bet. | (0) |
Bets | 4/7/2024 |
One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. He's an anti-depress ant. | (0) |
Animals, Ants | 4/7/2024 |
How do you weigh a millennial? In Insta-grams. | (0) |
Millenials, Weight | 4/7/2024 |
My friend sent me a dad joke in the mail. It took me a few days, but I finally got it. | (0) |
Jokes, Mail | 4/7/2024 |
How should you eat your eggs on solar eclipse day? Sunnyside down. | (0) |
Eclipse, Eggs | 4/7/2024 |
What’s the best fruit for crazy people? Bananas. | (0) |
Bananas, Food, Fruit | 4/7/2024 |
What do you call a lady with just one leg? Ilene. | (0) |
Names | 4/7/2024 |
How do mathematicians deal with constipation? They work it out with a pencil. | (0) |
Constipation, Math | 4/7/2024 |
I heard Chuck Norris once stepped on a lego and the lego screamed in pain. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Legos | 4/7/2024 |
What vegetable is just slightly cool? A rad-ish. | (0) |
Food, Radish, Vegetables | 4/7/2024 |
What do you call lice on a bald head? Homeless! | (0) |
Baldness, Lice | 4/7/2024 |
What should you do if you have bad gas? Spray some Febreze. It will be a total eclipse of the fart. | (0) |
Eclipse, Farts | 4/7/2024 |
Why are pigs afraid of email? They don’t want to be marked as spam. | (0) |
Animals, Pigs, Spam | 4/7/2024 |
Why did the fork break up with the knife? Because the knife refused to spoon. | (0) |
Utensils | 4/7/2024 |
How do you know when your stack of bills is too high? When you can’t budge it. | (1) |
Bills, Budgets | 3/23/2024 |
I have a serious question. What’s so great about satellite radio? | (0) |
Radio, Satellite | 3/23/2024 |
Why do airplane pilots not get speeding tickets? Because they are above the law. | (0) |
Airplanes, Pilots | 3/23/2024 |
I bought an inflatable house, but it got a hole in it. Now it seems that I live in a flat. | (0) |
Flats, Houses | 3/23/2024 |
If scammers just tone it down a little, they could totally get me. A million bucks? Scam. I’ve won a pizza? Sure! Here’s my Social Security number! | (1) |
Money, Scams | 3/23/2024 |
What keyboard shortcut do toddlers struggle with? Ctrl-p. | (0) |
Keyboard, Shortcuts, Toddlers | 3/23/2024 |
I just learned the keyboard shortcut Ctrl-a. This changes everything! | (0) |
Keyboard, Shortcuts | 3/23/2024 |
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. | (0) |
Animals, Cows | 3/23/2024 |
True story: the Subway in Walmart ran out of lettuce. And they didn’t think to check out aisle 8. | (0) |
Produce, Subway, Walmart | 3/23/2024 |
Chuck Norris has a new TV series coming out to celebrate his 80th birthday. It’s called Texas Ranger with a walker. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Walker | 3/23/2024 |
When Chuck Norris was in grade school, the teacher had to raise her hand to speak to him. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Teachers | 3/23/2024 |
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. | (1) |
Chuck Norris, Telephones | 3/23/2024 |
Chuck Norris signed his own birth certificate. | (0) |
Birth certificates, Chuck Norris | 3/23/2024 |
What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A round house. | (0) |
Chuck Noris, Kicking | 3/23/2024 |
Benjamin Franklin invented electricity. More power to him. He was probably amped up, and then a little shocked. | (1) |
Benjamin Franklin, Electricity | 3/23/2024 |
What’s the best way to make cold hard cash? Put it in the freezer. | (0) |
Cash | 3/23/2024 |
King Arthur had to let go of a few nights. Turns out they already had a sir plus. | (0) |
Knights | 3/23/2024 |
What do you call a Bible that’s made for blind people? The holy braille. | (0) |
Bible, Blind | 3/23/2024 |
My wife found out I was cheating on her when she found all the letters I was hiding. We haven’t played scrabble since. | (1) |
Cheating, Relationships, Scrabble | 3/23/2024 |
A carpet installer had to testify in court today. When it was his turn to speak, the judge said “You have the floor.” | (0) |
Carpet, Court | 3/23/2024 |
I don’t usually roll a joint, but when I do, it tends to be my ankle. | (0) |
Joints | 3/23/2024 |
For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard for half an hour. Apparently that’s not the Apple Watch she was hoping for. | (0) |
Apple, Relationships | 3/23/2024 |
I’ve gone back and forth on whether to start a record collection, but I’m going for it. That’s my vinyl decision. | (0) |
Records | 3/23/2024 |
What did the toilet paper say to the roll? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. | (1) |
Toilet paper | 3/23/2024 |
What is a cannibal’s favorite snack? Finger foods. | (0) |
Cannibals | 3/23/2024 |
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. | (1) |
Apples, Food, Worms | 3/23/2024 |
Who is in charge of geometry? The ruler! | (0) |
Geometry, Math | 3/23/2024 |
Who is in charge of liquid measurements? The liter! | (0) |
Math, Measurements | 3/23/2024 |
Who is in charge of stocking Kleenexes? The hanker-chief! | (0) |
Keenexes | 3/23/2024 |
Which crayon answers the Crayola help line? Yellow! | (0) |
Crayons | 3/23/2024 |
Which kitchen appliance is the worst one to use as a life preserver? The sink. | (0) |
Kitchen, Life preservers | 3/23/2024 |
How did the parrot score on his gymnastics floor routine? Great technical score, bad sportsmanship for flipping the bird so many times. | (0) |
Gymnastics, Parrots | 3/23/2024 |
What’s the difference between Russell Wilson and O.J. Simpson? O.J. Simpson had a better run with a bronco. | (0) |
Broncos | 3/23/2024 |
Why do leprechauns and unicorns struggle to communicate? Because of myth understanding. | (0) |
Communication, Leprechauns, Unicorns | 3/23/2024 |
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato. | (0) |
Animals, Kangaroos | 3/23/2024 |
When asked about the US-Mexico border wall, Mexicans said they find it annoying, but they’ll get over it. | (0) |
Border, Wall | 3/23/2024 |
My four year old nephew is learning Spanish, but he doesn’t know how to say, please. That’s a little poor for four. | (0) |
Please, Spanish | 3/23/2024 |
I made a collage out of all the speeding and parking tickets I’ve gotten in my life. I guess you could say I’ve mastered the fine arts. | (0) |
Art, Fines, Speeding | 3/23/2024 |
Today is the first day of spring in America. I’m so excited, I wet my plants. | (0) |
Plants, Spring | 3/23/2024 |
Why can’t you tell secrets on the farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans talk. | (0) |
Farms, Secrets | 3/23/2024 |
What did the accountant say while building a spreadsheet in April? This is taxing. | (0) |
Accountants, Spreadsheets, Taxes | 3/23/2024 |
As I walked into IKEA for an interview, the manager greeted me saying, “Come in, make a seat!” | (0) |
IKEA | 3/23/2024 |
We haven’t yet found a solution to climate change, but we’re getting warmer. | (0) |
Climate change | 3/23/2024 |
I’m not a fan of French people. They give me the crêpes. | (0) |
French | 3/23/2024 |
How do you filter out the dumb people on Tinder? Tell them you're 5 foot 12. | (0) |
Dating, Filters | 3/23/2024 |
I asked the Starbucks barista why she was wearing a mask. She said it's just her coughy filter. | (0) |
Coffee, Filters | 3/23/2024 |
I really don’t have a problem with drinking and driving. It’s all those missed putts that really frustrate me. | (0) |
Drinking, Driving, Golf, Putting | 3/23/2024 |
Comedians are used to being roasted. But it can turn deadly if you’re in a room full of cannibals. | (0) |
Cannibals, Comedians | 3/23/2024 |
Unlike Forrest Gump, I run like the wind-ed. | (0) |
Running | 3/23/2024 |
Why did Sherlock Holmes get audited by the IRS? He took too many deductions. | (0) |
Detectives, Taxes | 3/23/2024 |
Why do football players always wear new socks? So they never smell defeat! | (0) |
Football, Socks | 3/23/2024 |
The cashier at Burger King had a name tag that said pat on it. Long story short, I’m banned there for life. | (0) |
Burger King | 3/23/2024 |
What happens if a zombie and a vampire bite you at the same time? You’re watching a trash. Netflix show. | (0) |
Netflix | 3/23/2024 |
Some guy dropped a bunch of scrabble tiles outside. That’s the word on the street. | (0) |
Scrabble, Tiles | 3/23/2024 |
I’m done donating blood…too many questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it? And why is it in that bucket? | (0) |
Blood | 3/23/2024 |
They say that time heals all wounds. Well time also wounds all heels. | (1) |
Time | 3/2/2024 |
The Rock left wrestling because all the WWE fans took him for granite. | (2) |
The Rock, Wrestling | 3/2/2024 |
If you’re wondering if your dog or wife loves you more, lock them both in the trunk and see which one is happy to see you when you open it. | (1) |
Animals, Dogs, Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
I found this great place online to order sausage. I’ll send you a link. | (0) |
Link, Sausage | 3/2/2024 |
Why a man wants a wife is a mystery, but why he would want two, is a bigamystery. | (0) |
Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
McDonald’s should have a third window where you can trade in all the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window. | (0) |
Food, Restaurants | 3/2/2024 |
No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?!? | (0) |
Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
Why are they called dental x-rays and not tooth pics? | (0) |
Dentists | 3/2/2024 |
In California, they just passed a law saying all guitars must be electric by 2030. | (0) |
California, Guitars | 3/2/2024 |
My niece calls me Ankle. I call her Knees. We’re a joint family. | (0) |
Family, Joints | 3/2/2024 |
Someone sent me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I’m being stalked. | (0) |
Flowers | 3/2/2024 |
If you walk into a bar, and there are several people waiting to beat you up, that’s the punchline. | (0) |
Bars | 3/2/2024 |
My doctor said I need to cut some carbs in my diet. So now I am no longer buying pre-sliced bread. | (0) |
Bread, Diets, Food | 3/2/2024 |
My mechanic told me to rent the same car I have and then he'll exchange the gearbox. | (0) |
Cars | 3/2/2024 |
I went to a ballet last night. All those women dancing on their tip-toes. Made me wonder why they didn't just find taller women. | (0) |
Ballet | 3/2/2024 |
What did Mars say to Saturn? Hey, give me a ring sometime! | (0) |
Planets | 3/2/2024 |
How does the drummer sell his pillows? A dollar percussion. | (0) |
Bands, Drums, Pillows | 3/2/2024 |
An actor broke his leg while trying out for a play. Good news though, he still made the cast. | (0) |
Acting | 3/2/2024 |
Bruce Lee had a younger brother named Brock. Ironically, he wasn’t much of a vegetable fan. | (1) |
Food, Martial arts | 3/2/2024 |
I tell a lot of cow jokes. I milk them for all they’re worth. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Milk | 3/2/2024 |
I met a nice guy at the gas station yesterday. His name is Phil. | (0) |
Gas | 3/2/2024 |
I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time! | (0) |
Animals, Birds, eBay | 3/2/2024 |
What happens when two antennas get married? Short wedding, great reception. | (0) |
Antenna, Weddings | 3/2/2024 |
I don’t mind leg day at the gym. It’s just the two days afterwards that I can’t stand. | (1) |
Gym, Legs | 3/2/2024 |
What happens if you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow? Two animals in a baaaad mooood. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Sheep | 3/2/2024 |
What do you call three Ford sedans in the driveway? A Ford fiesta. | (0) |
Cars | 3/2/2024 |
What do you call a romantic Saturday dinner in a hot air balloon? A weekend up date. | (1) |
Balloons, Dates, Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
My workout routine calls for crunches twice a day: captain in the morning and Nestle in the evening. | (0) |
Workouts | 3/2/2024 |
People who say anything is possible clearly haven’t ever tried to staple jello to a tree. | (0) |
Jello | 3/2/2024 |
How many times do I have to hit “I accept cookies” before the cookies start showing up? | (1) |
Cookies | 3/2/2024 |
The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga hit the road together. It was called the Goo Goo Gaga Tour. | (0) |
Music | 3/2/2024 |
We’ve never had a winner in the local knot competition. It always ends up in a tie. | (0) |
Knots, Ties | 3/2/2024 |
What’s the best place to eat out on leap day? IHOP. | (0) |
Food, Leap day, Restaurants | 3/2/2024 |
Please don’t call it a dad bod. I prefer it to be called a father figure. | (0) |
Dads | 3/2/2024 |
I just released my own fragrance. But nobody in the car seemed to like it. | (0) |
Farts, Fragrances | 3/2/2024 |
Nothing is impossible? I totally disagree. I’m doing nothing right now. It’s totally possible. | (0) |
Laziness | 3/2/2024 |
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels. She didn’t even know I existed. | (0) |
Relationships | 3/2/2024 |
There’s only one girl and 86 quirky guys in my statistics class. Her odds are good, but the goods are odd. | (0) |
Relationships, Statistics | 3/2/2024 |
Apple cancelled their plans to make a car after realizing it would require windows. | (0) |
Apple, Cars, Windows | 3/2/2024 |
How do you console an English teacher? There, their, they're. | (0) |
Grammar | 3/2/2024 |
My mom asked me to hand out invites for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was the favorite twin. | (0) |
Children, Parties, Twins | 2/16/2024 |
Some people are mad because I don’t give away Excel files. They say I’m cell-fish. But I don’t really give a sheet. | (0) |
Excel, Spreadsheets | 2/16/2024 |
You know who’s really full of themselves? Russian nesting dolls. | (0) |
Dolls | 2/16/2024 |
My poker buddies said I should learn to read people. I’ve read a dozen issues and I haven’t gotten any better at poker. | (0) |
People, Poker | 2/16/2024 |
I ordered a thesaurus, and when it arrived, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am. | (0) |
Thesaurus, Words | 2/16/2024 |
What’s the best thing about Edam cheese? It’s made backwards. | (0) |
Cheese, Food | 2/16/2024 |
How many clickbait articles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer will shock you. | (0) |
Light bulbs | 2/16/2024 |
I have to sing whenever I am happy or sad. It keeps me in tune with my emotions. | (0) |
Emotions, Singing | 2/16/2024 |
Did you hear about Baby Yoda‘s first word? It came right after his second word! | (0) |
Babies, Yoda | 2/16/2024 |
Someone told me that I’m terrible at remembering names. | (0) |
Memory, Names | 2/16/2024 |
Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher? | (0) |
Children, Drinking, Teachers | 2/16/2024 |
My dad ran a coal company all by himself. He mined his own business. | (0) |
Business, Mines | 2/16/2024 |
My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program. Now I have a little boy to tell all my dad jokes to! | (0) |
Children | 2/16/2024 |
What happened when Mario wrecked his kart? He got Toad. | (0) |
Mario Kart | 2/16/2024 |
As I get older, it gets tougher to go up and down ladders. I think it’s due to climb-it change. | (0) |
Ladders | 2/16/2024 |
Studies show that humans only use 10% of their brains on average. What about the other 80%? | (0) |
Brains, Humans | 2/16/2024 |
Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian plastic surgeon? To get a faith lift. | (0) |
Boxers, Christians | 2/16/2024 |
What’s the difference between a poetry major and a savings bond? Eventually, a savings bond will mature and earn money. | (0) |
Bonds, Poetry | 2/16/2024 |
My wife left me because of a gambling problem, but I know I can win her back. | (0) |
Gambling, Relationships | 2/16/2024 |
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so I went for a run. | (0) |
Relationships, Walking | 2/16/2024 |
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully, I was already at the office. | (0) |
Sleep, Work | 2/16/2024 |
Why do horses make bad politicians? They always vote nay. | (0) |
Animals, Horses, Politicians | 2/16/2024 |
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The invention of the second telephone. | (0) |
Inventions, Telephones | 2/16/2024 |
Which animal has the best memory? A ram. | (0) |
Animals, Rams | 2/16/2024 |
If you only go to the ice rink on half-off day, that makes you a cheap skate. | (0) |
Skating | 2/16/2024 |
My wife and I went on a once in a lifetime trip. When we got home, I told her, we’re never doing that again. | (0) |
Relationships, Vacations | 2/16/2024 |
My ice scraper was broken, I used a discount card to scrape the ice on the windshield. I only got 20% off. | (0) |
Discounts, Ice | 2/16/2024 |
Try not to eat too many synonyms, otherwise you’ll have thesaurus throat ever. | (0) |
Thesaurus, Words | 2/16/2024 |
A friend of mine who stutters a lot died in prison. The poor guy couldn’t even finish his sentence. | (0) |
Prisoners, Stutter | 2/16/2024 |
I’m not a fan of celery. I always feel like it’s stalking me. | (0) |
Celery, Food | 2/16/2024 |
Finding a yeti in the woods was no small feet. | (0) |
Animals, Yeti | 2/16/2024 |
Being a sailor comes with great job security. Work doesn’t ever dry up. | (0) |
Sailors, Work | 2/16/2024 |
You must be a bank loan, because you’ve caught my interest. | (0) |
Banks, Interest, Loans, Pick-up lines | 2/16/2024 |
What did one pig say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Don’t go bacon my heart. | (0) |
Animals, Pigs, Valentines | 2/16/2024 |
If you were a cantaloupe, I’d say you were one in a melon. | (0) |
Food, Melons, Pick-up lines | 2/16/2024 |
Usain Bolt's son is really really fast. It must run in the family. | (0) |
Athletes, Runners | 2/16/2024 |
When my wife was in labor, she must have said “I can’t” 1,000 times. The delivery doctor said he’d never heard of so many contractions. | (0) |
Birth, Contractions | 2/16/2024 |
What did the pasta say to the tomato? I love it when you get saucy. | (0) |
Pasta, Tomatoes | 2/16/2024 |
If two artists get into a fight, it usually ends up in a draw. | (0) |
Artists, Drawing | 2/16/2024 |
Trying to get a frisbee unstuck from a tree by throwing a football edit wasn’t my worst decision today. But it’s up there. | (0) |
Frisbees, Trees | 2/16/2024 |
What do you call a fruit that can sing? John Lemmon. | (0) |
Fruit, Lemons | 2/16/2024 |
I’m in a good mood today because it’s Super Bowl Sunday! Yesterday was a sadder day. | (0) |
Super Bowl | 2/16/2024 |
I just finished reading a beautiful story in braille. It was really touching. | (0) |
Blind, Braille | 2/16/2024 |
Our dogs got to play extra long at our Super Bowl party this year, because the game went into rover time. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Super Bowl | 2/16/2024 |
What do you call a gastrointestinal doctor named Joseph? G.I. Joe. | (0) |
Doctors | 2/16/2024 |
I’m on two diets right now. The first one didn’t have enough food. | (0) |
Diets, Food | 2/16/2024 |
Which band is the best at archery? Aerosmith. | (0) |
Arrows, Bands | 2/16/2024 |
What do you call a framed guy who breaks out of prison? An escapegoat. | (0) |
Prisoners | 2/16/2024 |
What is it called when you get attacked by a group of plants? An ambush. | (0) |
Plants | 2/16/2024 |
I rented a limo for this evening and found out it doesn’t come with a driver. I spent $500, and have nothing to chauffeur it. | (0) |
Drivers | 2/16/2024 |
I went on a date with a nun, but she never called me back. I got holy ghosted. | (0) |
Nuns | 2/16/2024 |
There’s a man who lives on the roof of the museum. He likes to dwell on the past. | (0) |
Museums | 2/16/2024 |
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one asks for H2O. The second one asks for H2O2. The second one died. | (0) |
Chemistry | 2/16/2024 |
My financial advisor told me to buy wind chimes. It’s a pretty sound investment. | (0) |
Investments | 2/16/2024 |
Why did the marching band play so slowly? Because it was a half-time show. | (0) |
Bands, Music | 1/27/2024 |
I DON’T USE LOWER-CASE LETTERS LIKE A SOCIALIST. I PREFER CAPITALISM. | (1) |
Capitalisim | 1/27/2024 |
Big difference between men and women: if a woman says, “Here, smell this,” it usually smells nice. | (0) |
Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
Ever notice how THE IRS and THEIRS look a lot alike? | (0) |
IRS, Taxes | 1/27/2024 |
An ice-making company lost their power last night. Their inventory was liquidated. | (1) |
Ice, Money | 1/27/2024 |
My screensaver is a bunch of different spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice if I haven’t touched my computer in over an hour. | (1) |
Screensavers, Spreadsheets, Work | 1/27/2024 |
My friend thinks it’s OK to give drugs to animals. He needs to get off his high horse. | (0) |
Animals, Drugs, Horses | 1/27/2024 |
What do you call a rabbit that works as an anesthesiologist? The Ether bunny! | (0) |
Animals, Doctors, Rabbits | 1/27/2024 |
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, I’ll go on a head. | (0) |
Clothing | 1/27/2024 |
What do you do with an Excel error message? Put it in cell FU2. | (0) |
Errors, Excel | 1/27/2024 |
I think it feels good squirreling money away each month. But my wife thinks it’s nuts. | (0) |
Animals, Money, Squirrels | 1/27/2024 |
The listing for my apartment was misleading when it said you could hear a pin drop. It’s right above a bowling alley, and I can hear every one of them. | (0) |
Bowling | 1/27/2024 |
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of uncooked popcorn. That will make the cremation more interesting! | (0) |
Creamation, Food, Popcorn | 1/27/2024 |
I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it. | (0) |
Kleptomaniacs | 1/27/2024 |
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You should go home, you look drunk. | (0) |
Drinking | 1/27/2024 |
What do you call a speech given by a military leader? A general statement. | (0) |
Generals, Speeches | 1/27/2024 |
What song does a cowboy listen to when updating a spreadsheet? Home on the range. | (0) |
Cowboys, Excel | 1/27/2024 |
I got a wedding invitation that said “Your presence itself is a gift. We don’t want any gifts at the wedding.” So I didn’t go. | (0) |
Gifts, Weddings | 1/27/2024 |
What do you call replacing a backyard second-floor window? A pane in the rear. | (0) |
Windows | 1/27/2024 |
When I go hiking, I listen to Eminem, Peanuts, and The Cranberries. It’s my trail mix. | (0) |
Hiking, Music | 1/27/2024 |
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bies! | (0) |
Bees, Milk | 1/27/2024 |
It was so cold this winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets! | (0) |
Lawyers | 1/27/2024 |
What kind of car does an eye doctor drive? A cataract! | (0) |
Cars, Doctors | 1/27/2024 |
Accidentally dropped a bucket of paint on my boss at work. Boy was he blue in the face! | (0) |
Paint, Work | 1/27/2024 |
I didn’t used to be an organ donor, but I had a change of heart. | (0) |
Hearts, Organs | 1/27/2024 |
What does a grumpy cannibal do? Bites everybody’s head off. | (0) |
Cannibals | 1/27/2024 |
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him. | (0) |
Music, Trucks | 1/27/2024 |
How do you change the tire on a wooden car? With a lumberjack! | (0) |
Cars, Wood | 1/27/2024 |
My poop was looking like a rainbow so my doctor gave me a test. I passed with flying colors! | (0) |
Poop, Rainbows | 1/27/2024 |
Somebody stole my wife’s identity. But they’re spending less money than her, so I’m going to let it ride. | (0) |
Money, Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE…it downloads Chrome twice as fast! | (0) |
Browsers, Computers | 1/27/2024 |
This year, no spreadsheets for 40 days. It will be Excel lent. | (0) |
Excel, Lent, Spreadsheets | 1/27/2024 |
Amazon is coming up with a male version of Alexa. It will be called Alex, and you'll have to repeat yourself at least 10 times before it listens. | (0) |
Relationships, Technology | 1/27/2024 |
Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo. | (0) |
Typos | 1/27/2024 |
The first batch of spam was made in 1937. The second batch is being made next week. | (0) |
Food, Spam | 1/27/2024 |
When a woman says five more minutes, what she really means is five minutes left in the fourth quarter with all the time outs left. | (1) |
Relationships, Sports | 1/27/2024 |
Why shouldn’t you talk to zombies? They might pick your brain. | (0) |
Zombies | 1/27/2024 |
I went to a restaurant in Texas. That was so bad, I gave it a lone-star review. | (0) |
Restaurants, Texas | 1/27/2024 |
When is a final exam a piece of cake? When you’re in baking school. | (0) |
Baking, School | 1/27/2024 |
My deaf wife left me for a deaf man. I should have seen the signs. | (0) |
Deaf, Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
Three of the hardest things for people to say are “I’m sorry”, “I was wrong”, and “Worcestershire sauce.” | (0) |
Speaking | 1/27/2024 |
I got some shoes with memory foam inserts. I’m hoping now I won’t forget why I walked into a room! | (0) |
Memory, Shoes | 1/27/2024 |
I bought some Bluetooth-enabled socks. But I’m having trouble pairing them. | (0) |
Clothes, Technology | 1/27/2024 |
A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The algorithm says “What’s everyone else having?” | (0) |
Bars, Machine Learning | 1/27/2024 |
Sometimes it’s awkward introducing my ex-girlfriend. My wife hates it when I call her that. | (0) |
Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
The next time the news mentions salt and ice, it better be a really good margarita recipe! | (1) |
Margaritas, Weather | 1/27/2024 |
My friend just got married to his wife, who is from Korea. Now they’re Seoul mates. | (0) |
Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
What does an ironic braille sign say? Do not touch. | (0) |
Blind, Braille | 1/27/2024 |
What happens when your remote’s pause button doesn’t work and you’re watching a Tom Cruise movie? Intermission impossible. | (0) |
Movies, Remotes | 1/27/2024 |
Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Thanks to everyone who doesn't have it. | (0) |
Common Sense | 1/27/2024 |
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, while you were arguing about that glass of water, I drank it. Signed, the Opportunist. | (0) |
Opportunist, Water | 1/27/2024 |
80% of arguments happen because someone hasn’t eaten yet. | (0) |
Arguments, Food | 1/27/2024 |
I don’t always wake up grumpy. Usually I let her sleep in. | (0) |
Relationships, Sleep | 1/27/2024 |
I asked my wife to act like a naughty school girl. She forged a note from her mom saying she didn’t have to participate. | (0) |
Relationships | 1/27/2024 |
The worst accounting inventory method is FISH: First In, Still Here. | (0) |
Accounting | 1/27/2024 |
Just told my kids I’m older than Google and they thought I was joking. Then I told them to Google it. | (0) |
Age, Children, Computers | 1/7/2024 |
My kids have been on eBay all day. If they’re still there tomorrow, I will lower the price and offer free shipping. | (0) |
Children | 1/7/2024 |
I don’t recommend drinking while you wrap Christmas presents. Also if anybody gets a TV remote, I need it back. | (0) |
Christmas, Presents, Remotes | 1/7/2024 |
Who leads accountants when they go to battle? The General Ledger! | (0) |
Accountants | 1/7/2024 |
Someone stole another one of my cows. I think it’s time to beef up the security. | (0) |
Animals, Cows | 1/7/2024 |
Why aren’t alligators good at multitasking? They are so swamped. | (0) |
Alligators, Animals | 1/7/2024 |
When Oxygen and Magnesium started dating, I was like OMG! | (0) |
Chemistry, Dating | 1/7/2024 |
If you only drink Coca-Cola because of the logo, you may have buy polar disorder. | (0) |
Drinks | 1/7/2024 |
I quit my job as a scuba diver. Deep down, it just wasn’t for me. | (0) |
Diving, Work | 1/7/2024 |
If that special someone in your life wants diamonds for Christmas, you can always go for a deck of cards. | (0) |
Diamonds, Relationships | 1/7/2024 |
It must be stressful working at an unemployment office, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come to work the next day. | (1) |
Unemployment, Work | 1/7/2024 |
If you buy a used watch that only shows hours and minutes, is it still a second-hand watch? | (0) |
Watches | 1/7/2024 |
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk. But I never got the chants. | (0) |
Monks | 1/7/2024 |
According to my chemistry teacher, alcohol is a solution! | (0) |
Alcohol, Chemistry, Teachers | 1/7/2024 |
I stole a board game the other day. My parents always said I was a risk-taker. | (0) |
Children, Games | 1/7/2024 |
I don’t like the metric system, but we keep inching our way towards it. | (0) |
Measurement | 1/7/2024 |
Rage Against The Machine never specified what they were so angry about, but I imagine it had to have been a printer. | (0) |
Music, Printers | 1/7/2024 |
Why do pirates struggle with the alphabet? They spend years at C. | (0) |
Pirates | 1/7/2024 |
I have CDO. It's kinda like OCD, but in alphabetical order as it should be. | (0) |
OCD | 1/7/2024 |
When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not wash the dishes or vacuum. | (0) |
Chores, Relationships | 1/7/2024 |
If the Earth really was flat, cats would’ve found out how to push everything off of it by now. | (0) |
Animals, Cats, Earth | 1/7/2024 |
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I’ve made a New Year’s resolution: no more reading! | (0) |
Drinking, Reading, Smoking | 1/7/2024 |
I got fired because I smile a lot. I told my boss that if I can’t smile on the job, get yourself another funeral director! | (0) |
Work | 1/7/2024 |
I told my wife she should have been a geologist studying tectonic plates. She is so good at finding faults. | (0) |
Faults, Geology | 1/7/2024 |
The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe. | (0) |
Earth | 1/7/2024 |
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. Turns out it was just my imagine Asian. | (0) |
Friends | 1/7/2024 |
Why did Jesus always leave the door open? Because he was born in a barn. | (0) |
Jesus, Religion | 1/7/2024 |
What is it called when Cinnamon and Nutmeg wish you happy holidays? Seasonings Greetings! | (0) |
Food, Holidays | 1/7/2024 |
I ordered a burger with lettuce wrapping. No bun intended! | (0) |
Burgers, Food | 1/7/2024 |
What do you call an anxious dinosaur? Nervous Rex. | (0) |
Dinosaurs | 1/7/2024 |
What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the saloon? Who shot my paw? | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 1/7/2024 |
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they are going and hook up with them later. | (0) |
Dreams | 1/7/2024 |
My son asked me what it was like to be a parent. So I woke him up at 2 AM to tell him my sock came off. | (0) |
Children, Parents | 1/7/2024 |
If you crossed Mozart with Cinderella, you’d have Mozzarella. | (0) |
Food, Music | 1/7/2024 |
What did the atheist beaver say when he got to hell? Well I’ll be dammed… | (0) |
Animals, Beavers | 1/7/2024 |
You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use duct tape. | (0) |
Tools | 1/7/2024 |
The first million people that send me $1 will get my guide on how to become a millionaire. | (0) |
Money, Scams | 1/7/2024 |
What does someone with diarrhea have in common with an electric car owner? They both hope they’ll make it home! | (0) |
Cars, Diarrhea | 1/7/2024 |
What is it called when you dream of being in a different bathroom? An out-of-potty experience. | (0) |
Bathrooms, Dreams | 1/7/2024 |
A cartoonist was found dead at home. The details are sketchy. | (0) |
Cartoons | 1/7/2024 |
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, followed by a terrible winter. | (0) |
Nursery Rhymes | 1/7/2024 |
What is it called when you’re staring at the back of a boat? A stern look. | (0) |
Boats | 1/7/2024 |
Last night I wrote a math formula on my drunk friend’s forehead. You should have seen the expression on his face! | (0) |
Friends, Math | 1/7/2024 |
Scientists just figured out how to weigh a rainbow. Turns out it was pretty light. | (0) |
Rainbows | 1/7/2024 |
When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades. | (0) |
Charades | 1/7/2024 |
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Now, you can’t tell me that’s a coincidence. | (0) |
Bars, Conspiracies | 1/7/2024 |
What is a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes? White Vans. | (0) |
Kidnappers | 1/7/2024 |
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. | (0) |
Resolutions | 1/7/2024 |
Teaching kids about fungus is a great way to mold young minds. | (0) |
Fungus, Kids, School | 1/7/2024 |
No one laughed at my geography joke. I guess you had to be there. | (0) |
Geography | 1/7/2024 |
A 9-year-old girl disappeared after using moisturizer that makes you look 10 years younger. | (0) |
Children | 1/7/2024 |
Did you hear about the town that legalized weed but banned alcohol? The residents were left high and dry. | (0) |
Alcohol, Weed | 1/7/2024 |
I used to program in my sleep, but the bed bugs were a pain. | (0) |
Programmers, Sleep | 1/7/2024 |
What does a competitive salary mean? It means the salary will be competing against all your bills. | (0) |
Salary, Work | 1/7/2024 |
Why don’t buffaloes have cell phones? Because they can’t afford all the roaming charges. | (0) |
Animals, Buffaloes, Phones | 1/7/2024 |
A pirate thought he lost his stash. Turns out it was right under his nose. | (0) |
Pirates | 1/7/2024 |
If it wasn't for that nice man who discovered electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight! | (0) |
Electricity | 12/18/2023 |
Someone recommended I start my presentations with a joke. So I put a picture of my paycheck on the first slide. | (0) |
Paycheck | 12/14/2023 |
I asked my vegan girlfriend if she would try my meatloaf. She said she would do anything for love, but she won’t do that. | (1) |
Love, Music, Vegans | 12/14/2023 |
My grief counselor just died. But he’s so good, I don’t even care. | (1) |
Grief | 12/14/2023 |
I think it’s annoying when people do polls in meetings and presentations. Can I get a show of hands of people who agree? | (0) |
Meetings, Polls | 12/14/2023 |
I made a graph of my past relationships. It had an ex and why axis. | (0) |
Math, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
The Grand Canyon was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the ground for being too flat. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
When Chuck Norris makes a joke about Jada, Will Smith slaps himself. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
There was a street named Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's decendents are now known as giraffes. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris lifts weights to get them in shape. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups. He pushes the Earth down. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 12/14/2023 |
Do you know what really catches my eye? Kids with umbrellas. | (0) |
Children, Umbrellas | 12/14/2023 |
What Asian stereotype do you hear the most? I’ve got a Sony at home. | (0) |
Sony, Stereotypes | 12/14/2023 |
The next time your kids tell you they’re bored, tell them you have the perfect spot for them… at Home Depot next to the lumber. | (0) |
Boredom, Children | 12/14/2023 |
I’m going to tell a Bryan Adams joke. Please forgive me if it cuts like a knife. | (1) |
Bryan Adams, Music | 12/14/2023 |
I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from steak farm. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Farms, Insurance | 12/14/2023 |
Why did the snowman go to the dentist? To fix his frostbite. | (0) |
Dentists, Snowmen | 12/14/2023 |
If you have trouble with math, put on some glasses. It really helps with division. | (0) |
Math, Vision | 12/14/2023 |
The other night, my wife wore some slinky lingerie. She looked great going down the stairs! | (0) |
Relationships, Slinkys | 12/14/2023 |
The best Christmas gift is a broken drum. You can’t beat that! | (0) |
Christmas, Drums | 12/14/2023 |
What’s the worst thing to hear a surgeon to say during an operation? Pretty much anything. | (0) |
Doctors | 12/14/2023 |
Whenever I get change for paying in cash, I ask for pennies. It makes a lot of sense. | (0) |
Change, Money | 12/14/2023 |
What do you call a family full of bakers? Dough nuts. | (0) |
Bakers | 12/14/2023 |
My lumberjack works pro bono. It’s his random axe of kindness. | (0) |
Lumberjacks | 12/14/2023 |
Guess who I bumped into on my way to getting my glasses fixed? Everybody. | (1) |
Glasses | 12/14/2023 |
When I fly, I like to hang air fresheners in the plane. It helps with descent. | (1) |
Planes, Scents | 12/14/2023 |
We squint at the sun because it’s bright. We squint at people because they are not. | (1) |
Stupidity, Sun | 12/14/2023 |
Things I’d love to see: an upper-level observation deck with a full bar at Wal-Mart. | (0) |
Wal-Mart | 12/14/2023 |
If you had to pick between world peace, and a Lamborghini, which color would you pick? | (0) |
Cars, Peace | 12/14/2023 |
Swimming with dolphins is expensive, but swimming with sharks is worse. It costs an arm and a leg. | (0) |
Dolphins, Sharks | 12/14/2023 |
As I watch the dog chasing his tail, I thought, dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was the one watching the dog. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 12/14/2023 |
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly? Stationary. | (0) |
Airplanes, Paper | 12/14/2023 |
I’m all for solar energy but not wind energy. Not a big fan. | (0) |
Energy | 12/14/2023 |
Don't throw sodium chloride at people. That's a salt. Use another seasoning greeting instead! | (0) |
Salt, Seasonings | 12/14/2023 |
Why did the grizzly get a D- in his hibernation class? Because he did the bear minimum. | (0) |
Animals, Bears | 12/14/2023 |
The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words. | (0) |
Bugs, Words | 12/14/2023 |
I didn’t want to spend money on an ancestry DNA kit to learn about my relatives, so I just posted online that I won the lottery. | (0) |
Family | 12/14/2023 |
I met an Australian guy who specializes in business loans. He’s the funder from down under. | (0) |
Banks | 12/14/2023 |
Which fruit do people find most appealing? A banana. | (0) |
Bananas, Food, Fruit | 12/14/2023 |
You wanna know the worst thing about paper jokes? They are all tearable. | (0) |
Paper | 12/14/2023 |
How do you know a carpenter is nervous? He is biting his nails. | (0) |
Carpenters | 12/14/2023 |
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. | (0) |
Games | 12/14/2023 |
My doctor says I should watch my drinking. So now I use a mirror. | (0) |
Alcohol, Drinking | 12/14/2023 |
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. | (0) |
Money, Taxes | 12/14/2023 |
What do you call a penguin in the desert? He’s lost, clearly! | (0) |
Animals, Penguins | 12/14/2023 |
I told a joke so good at work that the head of HR wants to hear it now! | (0) |
Work | 12/14/2023 |
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.” | (0) |
Adults | 12/14/2023 |
I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money. | (0) |
Money, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
I got a great deal on a new boat I bought on Black Friday. It’s my sale boat! | (0) |
Boats | 12/14/2023 |
If the reception isn’t very good in your office, it might be time to find a new secretary. | (0) |
Reception, Work | 12/14/2023 |
My dad goes by the clock store every day on his walk. He does it just to pass the time. | (0) |
Clocks, Time | 12/14/2023 |
What do you call someone who fixes broken instruments? A Band-Aid! | (0) |
Band, Instruments, Music | 12/14/2023 |
I asked a German girl for her phone number and all I got was nine. I’m still waiting for the other digits. | (0) |
German, Relationships | 12/14/2023 |
A father threatened to throw his son’s phone out the window. The son just laughed because he knew his phone was in airplane mode. | (0) |
Airplanes, Children | 12/14/2023 |
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” on it, it could be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. | (0) |
Religion | 12/14/2023 |
If you want sound sleep, you should try leaving some music on. | (0) |
Music, Sleep | 12/14/2023 |
I went to the doctor to test my hearing, and he asked me to describe the symptoms. I said they’re yellow, crude, and they live in Springfield. | (0) |
Doctors, Hearing, Simpsons | 12/14/2023 |
Do you know what really gets on my nerves? My skin. | (0) |
Skin | 12/14/2023 |
If laziness was an olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I didn't have to walk up to the podium. | (0) |
Laziness | 12/5/2023 |
Anyone seen my Gone in Sixty Seconds DVD? It was here a minute ago… | (2) |
Movies, Time | 11/24/2023 |
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one photo of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. | (1) |
Children, Names | 11/24/2023 |
If a UFO lands and is identified, is it just an O? | (0) |
UFOs | 11/24/2023 |
I asked my wife and daughters if they wanted to hear a joke about bugs, and all I got was crickets. | (0) |
Animals, Bugs | 11/24/2023 |
Lance isn't a common name these days. But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot. | (0) |
Medieval times, Names | 11/24/2023 |
We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the…Minneapolis? | (0) |
Places | 11/24/2023 |
I was going to tell a music joke, but someone beat me to it. | (0) |
Music | 11/24/2023 |
What do dentists call x-rays? Tooth pics. | (0) |
Dentists | 11/24/2023 |
I had a rude, slow, and sarcastic cashier today at the store. I don’t understand why self check out is so popular. | (0) |
Shopping | 11/24/2023 |
How many software programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware problem. | (1) |
Programmers | 11/24/2023 |
My kids are really into cultural food. They’ll eat chicken nuggets just about anywhere. | (0) |
Children, Food | 11/24/2023 |
Did you hear about the man who was arrested by the fashion police? He was being questioned about his criminal ties. | (0) |
Fashion | 11/24/2023 |
You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet. | (0) |
Clothes | 11/24/2023 |
Can someone update me on what's offensive today. It's hard to keep up. | (0) |
Offensive, Woke | 11/24/2023 |
Does anybody know a good towel joke? I’m looking for some dry humor. | (0) |
Towels | 11/24/2023 |
I got an email telling me how to spell part backwards. I’m pretty sure it was a trap. | (0) |
Traps | 11/24/2023 |
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store. | (1) |
Groceries | 11/24/2023 |
If you say you’re not going on vacation this year within earshot of your luggage, you might get emotional baggage. | (0) |
Luggage | 11/24/2023 |
I bought a bag of air today, and it came with three free Lays potato chips! | (0) |
Bags, Chips | 11/24/2023 |
My wife said to stop talking about philosophy near the trash can. I’m getting too heavy around the waste. | (0) |
Philosophy | 11/24/2023 |
I have been on Facebook for 14 years. I remember when this was all farmland. | (0) |
Facebook, Farmville | 11/24/2023 |
If you want to save money on Christmas gifts, make sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner. | (1) |
Family, Holidays, Politics | 11/24/2023 |
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers, and 1 plot? All 633 Hallmark movies ever made. | (1) |
Hallmark, Movies | 11/24/2023 |
If you’re not feeling it at work, sing Christmas songs until they send you home. Works any time of year. | (0) |
Christmas songs, Work | 11/24/2023 |
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey! | (0) |
Animals, Keys | 11/24/2023 |
I went to a music store specializing in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized. | (1) |
Stores | 11/24/2023 |
No matter how good I try to get at tennis, I’ll never be as good as a wall. | (0) |
Tennis | 11/24/2023 |
Say “Have a nice day” and you sound kind. Say “Enjoy the next 24 hours” and you sound like a terrorist. | (1) |
Perception | 11/24/2023 |
Have you ever cracked your knee so loudly you half expect it to start glowing in the dark? | (0) |
Glow sticks, Knees | 11/24/2023 |
Lumberjacks know exactly how many trees they cut down each year. They keep a log. | (0) |
Lumberjacks | 11/24/2023 |
I bought a smart lamp. It doesn’t have WiFi or anything, but it’s really bright. | (0) |
Lamps | 11/24/2023 |
If you take selfies in the shower, you might have selfie steam issues. | (1) |
Selfies, Shower | 11/24/2023 |
You should set aside some money for landscaping. I know a good hedge fund manager. | (0) |
Landscaping, Money | 11/24/2023 |
Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about naturay stupidity? | (1) |
AI, Artificial intelligence, Stupidity | 11/24/2023 |
Which pope smelled the best? Potpourri. | (1) |
Pope, Scents | 11/16/2023 |
Chinese takeout: $12. Tip: $3. Finding out they forgot part of my order: riceless. | (1) |
Chinese, Food | 11/16/2023 |
I wonder if people who pay $300 for a colon cleanse have ever tried the Taco Bell dollar menu. | (0) |
Cleanse, Food, Taco Bell | 11/16/2023 |
You know what’s pretty handy to know? Sign language. | (1) |
Hands, Sign language | 11/16/2023 |
My son is at that age where he is curious about the human body. I guess I’m going to have to hide it somewhere else now. | (0) |
Bodies | 11/16/2023 |
What has four legs and one arm? A pit bull on a playground! | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 11/16/2023 |
When I have a headache, I take two Tylenol, and keep away from my children, like the bottle says to. | (1) |
Children, Headaches | 11/16/2023 |
I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me why I have no money. | (1) |
Family, Picture, Wallet | 11/16/2023 |
My parents taught me that good employees are hard to find. That’s why I often hide in the bathroom or the closet. | (0) |
Employees, Hiding | 11/16/2023 |
What do you call a 400-pound alcoholic? A heavy drinker. | (0) |
Drinking | 11/16/2023 |
Working at The Gap for too long might make it difficult getting a job later. Imagine having to explain the gap on your résumé! | (1) |
Gap, Work | 11/16/2023 |
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. | (0) |
Clothes, Socks | 11/16/2023 |
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice? | (0) |
Scaring | 11/16/2023 |
My wife is the clumsiest person I know. She peaked when she fell for me. It’s been all downhill after that. | (0) |
Clumsiness | 11/16/2023 |
I think I’ve been dreaming about dinosaurs, because I woke up thinking my neck is sore and my back is sore. | (0) |
Dinosaurs, Dreams | 11/16/2023 |
My 90-year-old grandfather is such an optimist. He recently got a new car and bought the extended warranty. | (1) |
Age, Cars, Optimism | 11/16/2023 |
Algebra is so much easier using Roman numerals, because x always equals 10. | (0) |
Math | 11/16/2023 |
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today, but he just shouted rudely, “Get your own sandwich!” | (1) |
Food, Homeless | 11/16/2023 |
Do you know what’s ironic? When a geometry teacher gets caught in a love triangle. | (2) |
Math, Relationships | 11/16/2023 |
If you want to get back on your feet, try skipping two car payments. | (0) |
Cars, Debt | 11/16/2023 |
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder. | (0) |
Alcohol, Beer | 11/16/2023 |
I asked my wife if I’ve ever told her how well she cooks. She said “Aww, no!” I replied “Then why do you keep doing it?” | (0) |
Cooking, Relationships | 11/16/2023 |
Jokes about plane crashes don’t tend to land very well. | (0) |
Crashes, Planes | 11/16/2023 |
What did we call all the computer mice that were popular in high school? A click. | (0) |
Mice, Popularity | 11/16/2023 |
I think I know how my life is going to end. One of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. | (0) |
Phones | 11/8/2023 |
Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his movies, but only for the crying parts. | (1) |
Chuck Norris | 11/5/2023 |
Why do so many pictures of groups fighting go viral? Lack of teamwork makes the meme work. | (0) |
Fights, Teams | 11/5/2023 |
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink earlier. I am at the hospital waiting to be seen. | (0) |
Invisibility | 11/5/2023 |
Chuck Norris once went through a revolving door, then it shut forever. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 11/5/2023 |
What do you call witches living together? Broom mates. | (1) |
Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
What generation does Forrest Gump belong to? Gen A. | (0) |
Forrest Gump | 11/5/2023 |
How do you know you’re not cut out to be a fisherman or an actor? You’re always forgetting your lines. | (0) |
Acting, Fishing | 11/5/2023 |
The human brain uses about the same amount of energy as a 10W lightbulb. That’s not very bright… | (0) |
Brain, Light bulbs | 11/5/2023 |
The federal government is considering making Halloween a holiday. If that happens, I guess they’ll be running on a skeleton crew. | (0) |
Government, Halloween | 11/5/2023 |
I told my boss I would be dressing up as a ghost for Halloween. I’ll be there, you just won’t see me. | (1) |
Halloween, Work | 11/5/2023 |
Why do witches love using computers? Because they have spellcheck. | (0) |
Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
Why shouldn’t you date witches that live in the desert? Because sand witches are usually in bread. | (0) |
Halloween, Witches | 11/5/2023 |
I found out my girlfriend is actually a ghost. I had my suspicions as soon as she walked through the door. | (0) |
Ghosts, Halloween | 11/5/2023 |
Vampires don’t exist. Unless you count Dracula. | (0) |
Halloween, Vampires | 11/5/2023 |
What did the werewolf eat after you got his teeth cleaned? The dentist. | (0) |
Dentists, Halloween, Werewolves | 11/5/2023 |
My roommates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and I haven’t seen anything strange. | (1) |
Halloween, Haunted houess | 11/5/2023 |
I’m only one week into my job at the bicycle factory, and they made me the spokesperson! | (0) |
Bicycles, Work | 11/5/2023 |
What did the storm trooper say when he got checked for steroids? These are not the Roids you’re looking for. | (0) |
Star Wards, Steroids | 11/5/2023 |
Why don’t mummies take vacations? They are afraid of relaxing and unwinding. | (0) |
Halloween, Mummies | 11/5/2023 |
Inflation stinks. Now a picture is worth 2000 words. | (1) |
Inflation, Pictures | 11/5/2023 |
My wife said she should’ve married the devil instead of me. I said “Well, I thought incest was illegal?” | (0) |
Relationships | 11/5/2023 |
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin. | (0) |
Halloween, Skeletons | 11/5/2023 |
What award do firefighters strive for? Most extinguished. | (0) |
Firefighters | 11/5/2023 |
I always get the last three words in with an argument at my house. You’re right, dear. | (0) |
Relationships | 11/5/2023 |
What’s it called when a bird poops on a Honda? Civic duty. | (1) |
Animals, Birds, Cars | 11/5/2023 |
Google Maps cars started playing ice cream music to get people's attention. Street view is now filled with pictures of disappointed children. | (1) |
children, Google maps, ice cream | 11/5/2023 |
Dad jokes are kind of like Spanish, only you roll your eyes instead of your Rs. | (0) |
Spanish | 11/5/2023 |
Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. | (1) |
Adam, Apple, Eve | 11/5/2023 |
I have a friend whose nickname is Spam. Because no one ever answers his calls! | (0) |
Spam | 11/5/2023 |
I lost my job at the zoo recently. There was a sign saying, don’t feed the animals, so I didn’t. | (0) |
Animals, Zoos | 11/5/2023 |
It’s all fun and games until the cops show up. Then it’s just hide and seek. | (0) |
Cops | 11/5/2023 |
I just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit. What a huge waste! | (0) |
Clothes, Money | 10/28/2023 |
At the Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting, I saw a lot of new faces, and that makes me disappointed. | (2) |
Addiction, Plastic surgery | 10/28/2023 |
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with ‘maybe next time’ is bad form. | (2) |
Weddings | 10/28/2023 |
What does deuce really mean in tennis? A turd on the court. | (0) |
Tennis | 10/28/2023 |
I got a birthday present from Eminem. It was rapped so nicely! | (0) |
Presents | 10/28/2023 |
How does a farmer count his cows? With a cowculator. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Math | 10/28/2023 |
What’s the difference in two Twix bars? The left ones don’t taste right. | (0) |
Candy, Food | 10/28/2023 |
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what on earth is wrong with you. | (2) |
Food, Fruit, Math | 10/28/2023 |
I just opened a pie shop. It’s open 22/7. | (0) |
Food, Pie | 10/28/2023 |
What does a vegetation zombie eat? Graaaaaains! | (0) |
Vegetarians, Zombies | 10/28/2023 |
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket, you can hide, but you can’t run! | (0) |
Camouflage | 10/28/2023 |
What’s perfectly normal at 3:00 pm but terrifying at 3:00 am? The sound of an ice cream truck. | (2) |
Late night | 10/28/2023 |
Which superhero is not allowed near children? The Flash. | (0) |
Superheroes | 10/28/2023 |
Which superhero should not be trusted with your valuables? The man of Steal. | (0) |
Superheroes | 10/28/2023 |
Here’s a great gift idea for CPAs: a mind-controlled abacus. It’s the thought that counts! | (1) |
Accountants | 10/28/2023 |
Which singer can sew clothes at a fast pace? Taylor Swift! | (0) |
Sewing, Singers | 10/28/2023 |
Do you know who Slim Fast is best for? Impatient people who struggle with their wait. | (0) |
Impatience | 10/28/2023 |
Why do underwear come in resealable bags but chips don’t? | (0) |
Chips, Food, Underwear | 10/28/2023 |
How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A buccaneer! | (0) |
Pirates | 10/28/2023 |
Back to the future is a part of the Star Wars series. It’s about a man’s DeLorean. | (0) |
Movies | 10/28/2023 |
What is it called when Dracula gets a makeover? A revamp. | (0) |
Vampires | 10/28/2023 |
I just retired from a manure processing plant. Looks like my work here is dung. | (0) |
Retirement | 10/28/2023 |
Dang girl, your daddy must be a gorilla, because you look like a prime mate. | (0) |
Animals, Gorillas | 10/28/2023 |
Could somebody please help me brush my teeth? My dentist said brushing alone won’t prevent cavities. | (1) |
Teeth | 10/28/2023 |
How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? 2: one to change it, and another to change it back to the way it was. | (1) |
Light bulbs, Politicians | 10/28/2023 |
What happened when Travis Kelce farted? Taylor sniffed. | (0) |
Celebrities | 10/28/2023 |
Why do nurses like red crayons? Because sometimes they have to draw blood. | (0) |
Blood, Nurses | 10/28/2023 |
What do you call a pig with a torn hamstring? Pulled pork! | (0) |
Animals, Pigs | 10/28/2023 |
All the psychics in my town are so depressed. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. | (0) |
Psychics | 10/28/2023 |
I accidentally got ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinz sight. | (0) |
Food, Ketchup | 10/28/2023 |
I lost my job as a masseuse. Apparently I rub people the wrong way. | (0) |
Masseuses, Work | 10/28/2023 |
My wife hates that our neighbor sunbathes naked. As for me? I’m on the fence. | (0) |
Neighbors | 10/28/2023 |
I know my dog loves me, but if I had a squeaker in me, she would gut me like a fish. | (2) |
Animals, Dogs | 10/28/2023 |
When I put my car in reverse I thought, “well this takes me back.” | (0) |
Cars | 10/28/2023 |
I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth, now when I talk, I have a weird Axe scent. | (1) |
Deodorant | 10/28/2023 |
Why did the clown’s neck ache? He slept funny on it. | (1) |
Clowns | 10/28/2023 |
NASA says it’s possible to live on Mars. I’m not so sure it’s ideal - I tried it and now I’m 50 pounds heavier and diabetic. | (0) |
Candy, Food, Mars, NASA | 10/28/2023 |
Behind every angry woman is man who has no idea what he has done wrong. | (0) |
Relationships | 10/28/2023 |
Do all fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time?” No, many begin with, “If I am elected, I promise…” | (1) |
Fairy tales | 10/28/2023 |
Definition of irony: If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, I would enough money for them to find me attractive. | (0) |
Relationships | 10/28/2023 |
What is lemon bread made of? Sourdough! | (0) |
Food | 10/15/2023 |
What is the opposite of Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica. | (0) |
Family, Geography | 10/15/2023 |
Who won the snail race? No one, it’s still going on… | (0) |
Animals, Snails | 10/15/2023 |
I asked my doctor if he had anything for excessive wind. He gave me a kite. | (1) |
Doctors, Wind | 10/15/2023 |
If a natural birth is called a delivery, would a C-section be called takeout? | (1) |
Pregnancy | 10/15/2023 |
If you sling mud at someone and hit them, get ready for a dirty look! | (0) |
Dirt | 10/15/2023 |
Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door. | (1) |
Religion | 10/15/2023 |
Where do scuba instructors like to get a drink? At dive bars. | (0) |
Bars, Scuba | 10/15/2023 |
What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt? You hit rock-bottom. | (1) |
Rocks | 10/15/2023 |
Did you hear the Hallmark Channel has a new horror movie coming out? The guy does not propose on Christmas Eve… | (1) |
Hallmark | 10/15/2023 |
What happened when the Catholic priest did not show up for work? There was mass confusion. | (0) |
Religion | 10/15/2023 |
What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor. | (1) |
Mice, Swearing | 10/15/2023 |
How do you know a meeting is scheduled by AI? It’s impromptu. | (0) |
AI, Meetings | 10/15/2023 |
Bath and Body Works is now selling new candles with dad jokes on them. They are called Scents of Humor. | (2) |
Candles, Humor | 10/15/2023 |
What did one vowel say to the other? We are not so different U and I. | (0) |
Letters | 10/15/2023 |
A Latin magician said he would make himself disappear. He said “Uno, dos” and then he disappeared without a tres. | (0) |
Magicians, Spanish | 10/15/2023 |
What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Hemsworth when they worked out? You’re going to be Thor in the morning. | (0) |
Mike Tyson, Thor | 10/15/2023 |
Why do people find chickens, ducks, and turkeys so offensive? Because they use such fowl language. | (1) |
Animals, Birds | 10/15/2023 |
My boss asked me why I only seem to get sick on workdays. I told him it was my weekend immune system. | (0) |
Work | 10/15/2023 |
I asked my boss for a raise and said three companies are after me. He asked which ones and I replied, gas, electric, and water. | (0) |
Work | 10/15/2023 |
My boss said, this is the fifth time this week you’ve been late to work, do you know what that means? I replied, “It must be Friday.” | (0) |
Work | 10/15/2023 |
Locksmiths make for great bosses. They believe in an open door approach. | (0) |
Locksmiths, Work | 10/15/2023 |
An executive, and a socialist sit down for dinner. The executive orders first, then the socialist says, I’ll have what he’s having. | (0) |
Socialism | 10/15/2023 |
The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning. He tested positive for Coke. | (0) |
Drinks | 10/15/2023 |
I get so emotional when you’re not around. That emotion is happiness. | (0) |
Emotion | 10/14/2023 |
When you get angry, take a breath and count to 10. Throw a punch at 8. No one expects that. | (0) |
Emotion | 10/14/2023 |
I invented a new exercise - a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I’m calling it lunch. | (1) |
Exercise | 10/6/2023 |
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. | (1) |
Apples, Food | 10/6/2023 |
If the United States and Canada ever became one country, it would be called the US of Eh. | (0) |
Geography | 10/6/2023 |
How do you turn a waterbed into a trampoline? Use spring water. | (0) |
Trampolines, Waterbed | 10/6/2023 |
What was the most revolutionary invention ever? The wheel. | (0) |
Inventions, Wheels | 10/6/2023 |
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute didn’t open? He took it back for a refund. | (0) |
Chuck Norris | 10/6/2023 |
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod any cod. | (0) |
Fishing, Magicians | 10/6/2023 |
I like to use a different deodorant for each arm pit. But that’s just my two scents. | (0) |
Deodorant | 10/6/2023 |
I lent my girlfriend $300. Three years later when we broke up, she paid me back the $300. I lost interest in that relationship, and now I’m just alone. I guess she deserved more credit. | (0) |
Banking, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
I tried walking into a Target, and I missed. | (0) |
Target | 10/6/2023 |
I was the best man at my friend’s second wedding. When I started my speech with “Welcome back, everyone,” he was not happy. | (0) |
Friends, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
What kind of fruit should you serve at weddings? Cantaloupe! | (0) |
Food, Weddings | 10/6/2023 |
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is! Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now! | (0) |
Music | 10/6/2023 |
My wife was coughing and kept us up all night. She asked me to go to the pharmacy for something to help. I got some earplugs and slept great after that. | (0) |
Relationships, Sleep | 10/6/2023 |
Scientists successfully crossed an electric eel with a sea sponge. They’re calling it a shock absorber! | (0) |
Animals, Science | 10/6/2023 |
I need a couple more power strips. After work, I think I’ll stop by the outlet mall. | (0) |
Electricity | 10/6/2023 |
Did you know protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. | (0) |
Religion, Science | 10/6/2023 |
If anyone has any fish jokes, let minnow. | (0) |
Fish | 10/6/2023 |
My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men, so I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn’t do either. | (0) |
Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
How do you know when a referee is happy? They whistle while they work. | (0) |
Referees, Sports | 10/6/2023 |
Do you know how to make a slow horse fast? Just stop feeding it. | (0) |
Animals, Horses | 10/6/2023 |
What happens if you eat too much sugar? Your life will be short and sweet. | (0) |
Food, Sugar | 10/6/2023 |
I once got so high, the munchies made me eat two chickens. Two birds, one stoner. | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Drugs | 10/6/2023 |
What’s the first rule of mime club? You don’t talk about mime club. | (0) |
Mimes | 10/6/2023 |
My friend owns a bakery, and he always hooks me up. It’s great to know people in pie places! | (0) |
Food, Pie | 10/6/2023 |
I used to work for an origami company, until it folded. So much paperwork. | (0) |
Origami, Paper | 10/6/2023 |
What do you call a networking event at a Barbeque? A meat and greet. | (0) |
Food, Networking | 10/6/2023 |
How did Noah get all those animals on the ark when it was getting dark? He used floodlights. | (0) |
Light, Noah | 10/6/2023 |
I used to wonder why all those people spend so much on those little Evian bottles, then I read the name backwards. | (0) |
Water | 10/6/2023 |
I got home from work, and my wife said the baby had been crying for hours, could I please take over. So I started wailing. | (0) |
Children, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
I told my life I love Worcestershire sauce. She asked why, and I replied it’s hard to say. | (0) |
Food | 10/6/2023 |
At my funeral, I want a group of Italian guys in nice black suits to walk up to my coffin and say “I’ll miss you boss,” just so my family thinks I had something crazy going on. | (0) |
Funerals, Mob | 10/6/2023 |
Anyone else tell dad jokes while playing pickle ball? It’s a fast groaning sport. | (0) |
Pickleball, Sports | 10/6/2023 |
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a labrador, a poodle, and a Great Dane? Cock-a-doodle-doo! | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 10/6/2023 |
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? Wave at him! | (0) |
Trees | 10/6/2023 |
What do you call a reluctant potato? A hesi-tater. | (0) |
Potatoes | 10/6/2023 |
What do you call someone who lights all their bills on fire? Bernadette. | (0) |
Bills, Names | 10/6/2023 |
What do you call the highest form of flattery? A plateau. | (0) |
Geography | 10/6/2023 |
To start a zoo you need two grizzlies, two pandas, a koala, and a polar. It’s the bear minimum. | (0) |
Animals, Bears, Zoos | 10/6/2023 |
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If a lawyer is involved, the lightbulb is already screwed. | (0) |
Lawyers, Lightbulbs | 10/6/2023 |
Do you think my kindergarten daughter will figure out how to tie her shoes by the end of the day? Probably knot. | (0) |
Children, Shoes | 10/6/2023 |
The psychic convention got canceled because of unforeseen circumstances. | (0) |
Psychics | 10/6/2023 |
How do you know an air conditioner is angry? It loses its cool! | (0) |
Air conditioners | 10/6/2023 |
I got some mail from my former teachers. My English teacher sent a letter and my music teacher sent a note! | (0) |
Mail, Teachers | 10/6/2023 |
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is. | (0) |
Stephen King | 10/6/2023 |
My wife said to turn on the fan before bed. I caressed the blade and said how sexy it looked, but she was not amused. | (0) |
Fans, Relationships | 10/6/2023 |
I was injured in a trampoline accident, but the doctor said I should bounce back quickly. | (0) |
Injuries, Trampolines | 10/6/2023 |
I called Seaworld today, and it said this call may be monitored for training porpoises. | (0) |
Animals, Dolphins | 9/22/2023 |
If you have two half sisters, you might be a magician. | (3) |
Family, Magicians | 9/22/2023 |
Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver. | (0) |
Computers | 9/22/2023 |
I saw a dwarf wearing a jalapeño costume. I asked him if he was hot, but he said he was actually a little chili. | (0) |
Costumes, Dwarves | 9/22/2023 |
How do you know when someone is robbing a bakery? You catch them bread handed. | (0) |
Bakeries | 9/22/2023 |
Why does an ambulance always arrive with two people? Those are the pair of medics. | (0) |
Medics | 9/22/2023 |
If you illegally download music in Jamaica, that makes you a Pirate of the Caribbean. | (0) |
Music, Pirates | 9/22/2023 |
Why do trees have so many branches? Because they like to stick together. | (0) |
Trees | 9/22/2023 |
If an orchestra is struck by lightning, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor! | (0) |
Lightning, Music | 9/22/2023 |
My messy dog Spot ran away. Now my home is spotless. | (1) |
Animals, Dogs | 9/22/2023 |
We had to fire our farm’s accountant who kept count of the sheep, because he kept falling asleep on the job. | (1) |
Accountants, Farms | 9/22/2023 |
Did you hear about the new burger chain? It’s called Burger God, and you can have it Yahweh. | (0) |
Burgers, Religion | 9/22/2023 |
Did you hear the man who invented remote controls passed away? He was found between his couch cushions. | (0) |
Remotes | 9/22/2023 |
If you break up with a girlfriend named Ruth for no good reason, that’s just ruthless. | (0) |
Relationships | 9/22/2023 |
What’s the hungriest time of day? Ate o’clock. | (0) |
Time | 9/22/2023 |
If the only chore you like doing is laundry, you might be a little clothes-minded. | (1) |
Laundry | 9/22/2023 |
I woke up really tired and asked my boss if I could come in late. He said “Dream on,” which was really nice of him! | (2) |
Work | 9/22/2023 |
Insurance companies are warning campers: if your tent is stolen, you won't be covered. | (0) |
Camping, Insurance | 9/22/2023 |
Dad jokes are a lot like sex. The louder you groan, the better I’m doing. | (0) |
Groans | 9/22/2023 |
If someone from Holland married a Filipino, their kids would be Hollapinos. | (0) |
Children | 9/22/2023 |
What do you call a nun that just passed the bar exam? A sister in law. | (0) |
Law, Nums | 9/22/2023 |
I’m not saying that plastic surgery cured my depression, but it did put a smile on my face. | (0) |
Doctors | 9/22/2023 |
Why do tennis players have sour personalities lately? Because of pickle ball. | (1) |
Tennis | 9/22/2023 |
There’s a lot of corruption going on at the apple juice factory, according to an in-cider source. | (0) |
Drinks, Work | 9/22/2023 |
What concert only costs $.45 to attend? 50 Cent Featuring Nickelback. | (0) |
Concerts | 9/22/2023 |
A man escaped from prison with a paper towel covering his face. There’s a bounty on his head. | (0) |
Prisoners | 9/22/2023 |
My teenage son is struggling with his braille class and doesn’t want to talk about it. Sounds like a touchy subject. | (0) |
Children, School | 9/22/2023 |
We like to have a tasty dessert when camping that has graham crackers, chocolate, marshmallows, and sleeping pills. We call them Snores. | (1) |
Camping, Food | 9/22/2023 |
Why do knights cut off their opponents at the ankles? So that they are defeated. | (0) |
Knights | 9/22/2023 |
Why can’t you trust Excel? Because people use it to spread sheet. | (0) |
Excel | 9/22/2023 |
What do you call a retired old cowboy? De-ranged. | (1) |
Cowboys | 9/21/2023 |
What do you call a cowboy who works at a bank? The loan arranger. | (0) |
Banks, Cowboys | 9/21/2023 |
What did the Jedi say to the cowboy? May the horse be with you. | (0) |
Cowboys, Star Wars | 9/21/2023 |
My wife thinks my dad jokes are childish. But I believe they are fully groan. | (0) |
Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
I just got a new DeLorean, but I only drive it from time to time. | (1) |
Cars, Time | 9/9/2023 |
Two men stole a calendar and the punishment was pretty harsh. They each got six months. | (0) |
Calendars, Criminals | 9/9/2023 |
Yesterday I visited a cemetery, and when I got done, I had 5 missed calls and 10 new text messages. It must’ve been a dead zone. | (0) |
Cemetery, Phones | 9/9/2023 |
What did Harry Potter say when filling up his car? Expensive petroleum! | (0) |
Cars, Harry Potter | 9/9/2023 |
What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. | (2) |
Accountants | 9/9/2023 |
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure. | (1) |
Mistakes | 9/9/2023 |
Do you know what the leading cause of dry skin is? Towels. | (0) |
Towels | 9/9/2023 |
A former accountant decided to be a geologist. She got busted for doing crystal math. | (0) |
Accountants, Geology | 9/9/2023 |
I told my daughter to check her attitude today. She looked at me and said “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.” | (3) |
Attitude, Children | 9/9/2023 |
What’s the perfect place to plant flowers? Scenter field. | (0) |
Flowers | 9/9/2023 |
Why do most soccer players struggle with sign language? Because they can’t use their hands. | (1) |
Sign language, Soccer | 9/9/2023 |
When my wife found out I had been collecting rare magazines, she told me I had issues. | (0) |
Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
I passed my training at Home Depot to work in the lumber section. Now I’m board-certified! | (0) |
Lumber | 9/9/2023 |
Bread is like the sun. It rises from the yeast in it sets in the waist. | (2) |
Bread, Sun | 9/9/2023 |
I’m looking for a girlfriend. Please send a pic of a recent sandwich you’ve made. | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 9/9/2023 |
How do you make the number one disappear? Just add a G, and it’s gone. | (0) |
Numbers, Words | 9/2/2023 |
My wife said after being together for 20 years, I still take her breath away. But it’s usually because of the bad gas. | (0) |
Gas, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. | (0) |
Family, Ladders | 9/2/2023 |
I keep getting emails from Hormel about product discounts. Why aren’t they automatically flagged as spam? | (0) |
Email, Spam | 9/2/2023 |
What’s the worst thing you can say to somebody calling the incontinence hotline? “Please hold for a few minutes.” | (0) |
Incontinence, Telephone | 9/2/2023 |
Being kissed while you are asleep is quite romantic. Unless you are in prison. | (1) |
Kiss, Sleep | 9/2/2023 |
I bought a hairpiece for a dollar. It was a small price toupee. | (0) |
Hair, Money | 9/2/2023 |
Do you remember before the Internet when people thought the lack of access to information was the cause of stupidity? Yeah, it wasn’t that. | (1) |
Intelligence, Internet | 9/2/2023 |
My barber apologized when his scissors weren’t working very well. I said, sorry isn’t going to cut it. | (0) |
Barbers, Scissors | 9/2/2023 |
What’s the best way to cook an alligator? In a crockpot! | (0) |
Alligators, Animals, Cooking | 9/2/2023 |
I called the helpline for alcoholics today. I asked them how to make a mojito. | (0) |
Alcoholics | 9/2/2023 |
What does Cannibal Ken like to eat for dinner? Barbie-cue. | (0) |
Barbie, Cannibals | 9/2/2023 |
A man from Prague ordered a whole pallet of classic board games. The Chek’s check for checkers checked out. | (0) |
Checks | 9/2/2023 |
I saw a piece of toast at the zoo. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity. | (0) |
Food, Toast | 9/2/2023 |
If you don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re, your an idiot. | (0) |
Grammar | 9/2/2023 |
Her: “I’m not like other girls.” Me: “Cool, so you know where you want to eat?” | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
How are relationships a lot like Algebra? Sometimes you look at your x and wonder y. | (0) |
Math, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis. | (0) |
Weather | 9/2/2023 |
My wife asked me if I wanted chicken pot pie for dinner. I said absolutely, those are three of my favorite things! | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 9/2/2023 |
I finally wrote my autobiography, but it didn’t get published. That’s the story of my life. | (0) |
Writing | 9/2/2023 |
Dance like no one is watching, but text and email like it will one day be read in court. | (0) |
Communication, Dancing | 9/2/2023 |
What does the low brass section use to clean their teeth? Tuba toothpaste. | (0) |
Music | 9/2/2023 |
I never have liked elevators. They always drive me up the wall. I’m taking steps to avoid them. | (0) |
Elevators | 9/2/2023 |
Who has the most pointless job in the world? The one who installs turn signals on BMWs. | (0) |
Cars | 9/2/2023 |
The USA needs to add three more states. Then it would truly be indivisible. | (0) |
Country, States | 9/2/2023 |
A pastor was speaking to kids about the importance of authority. He asked “Do you know why I wear this collar?” Little Johnny said “To keep fleas and ticks away for up to 90 days?” | (2) |
Children, Church | 9/2/2023 |
I named my dog Axle, because he’s always tired. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 9/2/2023 |
A golfer walks into a bar with his favorite club and the bartender says, “Why the club?” The golfer says, “It’s my designated driver!” | (1) |
Bars, Golf | 9/2/2023 |
Proof that God has a sense of humor…as soon as you get old enough to be considered wise, you start to forget it all. | (0) |
Aging | 9/2/2023 |
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. | (0) |
Shoes, Sneeze | 9/2/2023 |
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons why I should leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.” I said, “That’s 15, love.” | (0) |
Relationships, Tennis | 8/18/2023 |
I hate being bipolar. It’s amazing. | (1) |
Bipolar | 8/18/2023 |
Which transformer has the best attitude? Optimistic Prime. | (0) |
Transformers | 8/18/2023 |
What do you call a short funeral speech? A death sentence. | (0) |
Funerals | 8/18/2023 |
Albert Einstein may have been a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster. | (0) |
Einstein, Monsters | 8/18/2023 |
Do you know what happy frogs say? Time’s fun when you’re having flies. | (1) |
Animals, Frogs | 8/18/2023 |
What do clocks do when they’re still hungry after a meal? They go back four seconds. | (0) |
Clocks | 8/18/2023 |
What does Dwayne Johnson do after a nighttime work out? He sleeps like a rock. | (0) |
Rocks, Sleep | 8/18/2023 |
Jokes about communism are only funny if everybody gets them. | (0) |
Communism | 8/18/2023 |
Most bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it. | (0) |
Baldness | 8/18/2023 |
What do you call a tic tac in your vest pocket? A good in-vest mint. | (0) |
Mints | 8/18/2023 |
I started my diet by removing all the fattening food from the house. It was delicious! | (0) |
Diets, Food | 8/18/2023 |
I just heard the guy that stole my journal died. My thoughts are with his family. | (0) |
Journals | 8/18/2023 |
If you’re contrasting Han Solo and Indiana Jones, that’s Comparison Ford. | (0) |
Harrison Ford | 8/18/2023 |
I picked up my paycheck today and there was parsley in it. Apparently now they’re garnishing my wages. | (0) |
Money, Parsley | 8/18/2023 |
You know you’re ugly when you’re handed the camera to take a group picture. | (0) |
Pictures | 8/18/2023 |
Great housekeepers aren’t born, they’re maid. | (0) |
Housekeepers | 8/18/2023 |
My therapist said to write letters to all the people I hate and burn them. I feel better now, but I’m not sure what to do with all these letters. | (1) |
Therapy | 8/18/2023 |
Someone poisoned my Lucky charms cereal. They were tragically delicious. | (0) |
Cereal, Poison | 8/18/2023 |
I bumped into a beautiful woman today. I was excited when she asked for my phone number, but depressed when she also asked for my insurance information. | (0) |
Accidents, Relationships | 8/18/2023 |
To keep my brother and I from fighting in the pool, our mom said to stay on our own side. I picked the top side! | (0) |
Children, Pools | 8/18/2023 |
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly! | (0) |
Animals, Frogs | 8/18/2023 |
I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing things from his job as a road construction worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there. | (0) |
Construction, Stealing | 8/18/2023 |
My DNA test shows that I am 50% Cherokee. I guess that makes sense because I was born in a jeep. | (0) |
Jeeps | 8/18/2023 |
Someone stole all the bulbs from my house. Now, I am de-lighted. | (0) |
Lights | 8/18/2023 |
I recently spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him. | (0) |
Animals, Dogs | 8/18/2023 |
How do you surprise a blind man? Leave a plunger in the toilet! | (0) |
Blind | 8/18/2023 |
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games, and she said Wii. | (0) |
Friends, Video games | 8/18/2023 |
What do you do with dirty nuts and bolts? Get a washer. | (1) |
Washers | 8/18/2023 |
Two ducks walk into a bar and the third one walks under it and says come on guys, this is kind of our thing! | (0) |
Animals, Ducks | 8/18/2023 |
I read a book about igloos. It was a really cool story! | (0) |
Igloos, Stories | 8/18/2023 |
Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer. | (0) |
Bouncers | 8/18/2023 |
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss. At least I don’t have high blood pressure. | (0) |
Amnesia | 8/18/2023 |
What did one DNA strand say to the other? Do these genes make me look fat? | (0) |
Genes | 8/18/2023 |
I always seem to see more people walk into Walmart than walk out. But the meat is cheap, so I don’t ask questions. | (0) |
Walmart | 8/18/2023 |
Why are barbers so good at races? They know all the short cuts. | (0) |
Barbers | 8/18/2023 |
What occupation are spiders best at? Web development. | (0) |
Animals, Spiders | 8/18/2023 |
My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised. | (0) |
Therapy | 8/18/2023 |
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect. They fried me for no raisin. | (0) |
Autocorrect | 8/18/2023 |
We recently visited the Grand Canyon. It was just gorges. | (0) |
Grand Canyon | 8/18/2023 |
I had a weird dream that they made a tic tac flavored Newton bar. Thankfully it was just a fig mint of my imagination. | (0) |
Dreams, Mints, Snacks | 8/18/2023 |
Which movie star is always ready for ice cream? Reese with her spoon! | (0) |
Celebrities | 8/18/2023 |
Did you hear about the four psychics who started a business together? It was a four-prophet business. | (0) |
Psychics | 8/18/2023 |
A local psychic just went out of business. You would have thought she would have seen it coming! | (0) |
Psychics | 8/18/2023 |
Why are accountants often banned from the library? Because they are book keepers. | (0) |
Accountants | 8/18/2023 |
I got invited to tell dad jokes at a school for the deaf. I had to use sigh language. | (0) |
Deaf | 8/18/2023 |
Scientists say the world is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They totally forgot the morons. | (0) |
Morons | 8/18/2023 |
My wife said our vacuum cleaner sucks. But I’m having a hard time determining whether that means it works well or we need a new one! | (0) |
Vacuums | 8/18/2023 |
I got fired from the calendar factory because I took a day off. | (0) |
Calendar | 8/18/2023 |
What’s the difference between a frankfurter and Pac-Man? One is a hot dog, and the other is a dot hog. | (1) |
Hot dogs, Pacman | 8/18/2023 |
Why don’t you see cows waiting tables? Because they don’t enjoy being tipped. | (0) |
Cows | 8/18/2023 |
Apple just launched a line of accessories for pirates. So far the most popular one is the iPatch. | (0) |
Apple, Pirates | 8/18/2023 |
Three Excel formulas walk into a bar. The bartender says "Why does it stink so bad in here?" VLOOKUP and SUMIFS look at him and say "Sorry RANK followed us again." | (0) |
Excel | 8/17/2023 |
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire? One steals watches and one watches steals. | (0) |
Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 8/10/2023 |
What does a baseball player do when his eyesight starts to fail him? He takes a job as an umpire. | (0) |
Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 8/10/2023 |
Which baseball player refills all the water? The pitcher. | (0) |
Baseball, Sports | 8/10/2023 |
I poured root beer into a square glass, and now I just have beer. | (0) |
Beer, Math | 7/26/2023 |
Which element is missing from the periodic table? The element of surprise. | (0) |
Science, Surprise | 7/26/2023 |
What do you buy the man who has everything? Strong antibiotics. | (1) |
Disease, Gifts | 7/26/2023 |
I hate it when my aunts and uncles come up to me at weddings and say you’re next. So now I do the same thing to them at funerals. | (1) |
Family | 7/26/2023 |
Did you hear about the Christian-only social media app? It’s called Faithbook. | (0) |
Christians, Social media | 7/26/2023 |
Elon musk bought Twitter for $43 billion. That sounds like kind of a rip off when you consider I downloaded it for free. | (0) |
Elon Musk, Social media, Twitter | 7/26/2023 |
Where’s the best place to find popular watches? TikTok. | (0) |
Social media, Watches | 7/26/2023 |
If social media came to an end, it would be post-apocalyptic. | (1) |
Apocalypse, Social media | 7/26/2023 |
Why can’t you send a duck to outer space? The bill would be astronomical. | (0) |
Animals, Astronomy, Ducks | 7/26/2023 |
I picked up a book called ventriloquism for dummies. It just said let the other guy do all the talking. | (0) |
Dummies, Ventriloquists | 7/26/2023 |
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. | (0) |
Celebrities | 7/26/2023 |
I passed my paintball license exam with flying colors. | (0) |
Paintball, Tests | 7/26/2023 |
My friend is a part owner in a cannabis business. It’s a joint venture. | (0) |
Business, Cannabis | 7/26/2023 |
Always give 100%. Except when donating blood. | (1) |
Blood, Effort | 7/26/2023 |
How often do you see a blimp? Annually if it’s a good year. | (0) |
Blimps | 7/26/2023 |
I got carjacked by some guys dressed like Buccaneers. They were the Pirates of the car I be in. | (0) |
Cars, Pirates | 7/26/2023 |
Why did sleeping beauty get cancelled? She wasn’t woke enough. | (0) |
Disney, Woke | 7/26/2023 |
There’s a country that uses yarn for their currency. They are a pretty tightknit community. | (0) |
Currency, Yarn | 7/26/2023 |
Madness takes its toll. Make sure you have exact change! | (0) |
Madness, Tolls | 7/26/2023 |
What was Patrick Henry’s favorite kind of tea? Liberty! | (0) |
Liberty, Patrick Henry | 7/26/2023 |
Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings! | (0) |
America, Knock knock | 7/26/2023 |
George Washington once predicted his likeness would be on the dollar bill. He was right on the money. | (0) |
Currency, George Washington | 7/26/2023 |
Last night I slept like a baby…up every two hours, crying and hungry. | (0) |
Babies, Sleeping | 7/26/2023 |
My wife threatened to leave if I didn’t stop making Star Wars puns. I guess divorce is strong with this one. | (0) |
Relationships, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
In war, it doesn’t matter who’s right. It only matters who’s left. | (0) |
War | 7/26/2023 |
My daughter says she identifies as chocolate. Her pronouns are her she. | (0) |
Children, Chocolate, Food | 7/26/2023 |
According to the chocolate advent calendar I bought the other day, Christmas is in three days. | (0) |
Chocolate, Christmas, Food | 7/26/2023 |
I’m a fan of plant-based meats, as long as they are from the meat processing plant. | (0) |
Food, Meat, Plants | 7/26/2023 |
Today I found out Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine. All these years I’ve been living under a rock! | (0) |
Rocks | 7/26/2023 |
Unless you believe in love at first site, it’s probably best to use multiple dating apps. | (0) |
Apps, Dating, Love | 7/26/2023 |
Every day a crazy biker tries to run me down. It’s a vicious cycle. | (0) |
Bikers | 7/26/2023 |
I’m driving through Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the meantime. | (0) |
Time zones | 7/26/2023 |
Does anyone know how to get rid of excessive earwax? If so, please give me a shout. | (0) |
Ears, Earwax | 7/26/2023 |
I told my financial advisor I was going to invest in copper. He said that makes cents. | (1) |
Copper, Investments, Money | 7/26/2023 |
I like to keep a ruler under my pillow so I can see how long I’ve slept. | (0) |
Rulers, Sleep | 7/26/2023 |
Elon Musk wants to send cattle to outer space. It would be the herd shot around the world. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Elon Musk, Space | 7/26/2023 |
Why do farms smell so bad? It’s the dairy air. | (1) |
Animals, Cows, Farms, Smells | 7/26/2023 |
What are the chances of a cow standing in the middle of the field getting struck by lightning? Medium rare. | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Lightning | 7/26/2023 |
If you leave a nice gratuity at a steakhouse, is that considered cow tipping? | (0) |
Animals, Cows, Steak, Tipping | 7/26/2023 |
If a heifer stops taking credit cards, does that make her a cash cow? | (0) |
Animals, Cash, Cows, Credit Cards | 7/26/2023 |
A farmer had to pull out of a marathon. It was due to a calf injury. | (0) |
Farmers, Running | 7/26/2023 |
If you come across a charging bull, steer clear. | (0) |
Animals, Cows | 7/26/2023 |
My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser. So I packed her clothes and left. | (0) |
Clothes, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
My wife seems to like our new refrigerator. Her face lights up every time she opens it. | (0) |
Food, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
Prison isn’t just a word, it’s a sentence. | (0) |
Prison | 7/26/2023 |
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? The slowest swimmer. | (0) |
Animals, Sharks, Swimmers | 7/26/2023 |
A semi truck flipped and spilled potato chips all over the highway. Officials said to expect de-lays. | (0) |
Potato chips, Trucks | 7/26/2023 |
I just put up an electric fence. My neighbor is dead against it. | (0) |
Fence, Neighbors | 7/26/2023 |
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. | (0) |
Drinks, Reality, Tea | 7/26/2023 |
Did you know Chuck Norris had a major role in Star Wars? He was the force. | (1) |
Chuck Norris, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
What do you call a happy Roman cannibal? Glad he ate her. | (1) |
Cannibals, Romans | 7/26/2023 |
I asked the surgeon if I could use my own anesthetic. He said, sure, knock yourself out. | (0) |
Anesthesia, Doctors | 7/26/2023 |
I wish someone would pay me to sleep. That’s my dream job. | (0) |
Dreams, Sleep, Work | 7/26/2023 |
What do you call ambassadors from Legoland? Duplo-mats. | (0) |
Ambassadors, Legos | 7/26/2023 |
What do Excel and Incel have in common? They both think something is a date when it isn’t. | (0) |
Dates, Excel | 7/26/2023 |
I had an addiction to Michael Jackson’s music. It was bad, but then I beat it. | (1) |
Michael Jackson, Music | 7/26/2023 |
I ordered a cage made out of nickel, but they said one made out of aluminum. I got a Nicolas Cage. | (0) |
Nickel, Nicolas Cage | 7/26/2023 |
If you get an email from an Egyptian pharaoh, asking you for money, it’s not a scam, it’s a pyramid scheme. | (0) |
Egyptians, Pyramids | 7/26/2023 |
What do you call Darth Vader when he stops moving? Mannequin Skywalker. | (0) |
Darth Vader, Mannequins, Star Wars | 7/26/2023 |
My wife asked me to treat her like I did when we were first dating. So I took her to dinner and a movie and dropped her off at her parents’ house. | (1) |
Dating, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet. I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, and they don’t know either. | (1) |
Boredom, Internet, Relationships | 7/26/2023 |
I was once so broke I could not pay the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life. | (0) |
Bills, Darkness, Electricity | 7/26/2023 |
I taught my dog to fetch me a beer. While that may not seem impressive, he gets it from the neighbor’s fridge! | (0) |
Animals, Beer, Dogs, Neighbors | 7/26/2023 |
I don’t like to stereotype, but blind people are the worst kind of drivers. | (0) |
Blind, Driving | 7/26/2023 |
Where can you find a new origami channel on TV? It’s on paper view. | (0) |
Origami, Television | 7/26/2023 |
One of my happiest memories is when I won the science fair in high school. I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition. | (0) |
Chemistry, Fair, School | 7/25/2023 |
Have you seen the movie about constipation yet? It hasn’t come out yet. | (0) |
Constipation, Movies | 6/29/2023 |
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide. | (0) |
Cleaning, Mermaids | 6/29/2023 |
My hamster died last night. He fell asleep at the wheel. | (1) |
Animals, Hampsters, Wheels | 6/29/2023 |
My dad used to roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were the good years. | (0) |
Dads, Tires | 6/29/2023 |
My wife loves to make alphabet soup. She’s always trying to put words in my mouth. | (1) |
Food, Relationships, Soup | 6/29/2023 |
What’s my dad’s favorite dessert? A popsicle. | (0) |
Dads, Dessert, Food | 6/29/2023 |
My bucket list is pretty short. It’s beer, and ice. | (1) |
Beer, Buckets, Ice | 6/29/2023 |
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket. | (0) |
Babies, Children, Rockets | 6/29/2023 |
What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue. | (0) |
Blue, Colors | 6/29/2023 |
I bought two parrots and named them Mick and Jagger. Two birds, one stone. | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Music | 6/29/2023 |
My friend says I procrastinate too much to ever really be somebody. I said, just you wait. | (0) |
Friends, Procrastination | 6/29/2023 |
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A ba-boom! | (0) |
Animals, Bombs, Monkeys | 6/29/2023 |
Why don’t vampires go to important meetings? There are too many stakeholders. | (0) |
Meetings, Vampires | 6/29/2023 |
I told a beautiful woman how pretty she was and she said I was sexist. I guess that was a pretty broad statement. | (0) |
Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
My wife wanted to go to a restaurant where they make the food right there in front of you. I took her to Subway, and that’s how the fight started. | (1) |
Food, Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
What’s the best part of a waffle? The W. Without it, it’s just awful. | (1) |
Food, Waffles | 6/29/2023 |
Waffles didn’t exist until Chuck Norris punched a pancake. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Food, Waffles | 6/29/2023 |
Who do Excel users put in their hair? SUMPRODUCT! | (1) |
Excel, Hair | 6/29/2023 |
Kissing your wife goodbye when you leave the house is much better than kissing the house goodbye when you leave your wife. | (0) |
Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
What happened when Harry Potter kissed a pig? He got Hogwarts. | (0) |
Animals, Harry Potter, Pigs | 6/29/2023 |
I was so bored that I read six pages from the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. | (0) |
Dictionary, Reading | 6/29/2023 |
The other day I saw a midget climbing down the wall outside of prison. I thought, that’s a little condescending. | (0) |
Midgets, Prison | 6/29/2023 |
It’s pretty intense getting started as a railroad engineer. It takes several months to get trained. | (0) |
Trains | 6/29/2023 |
When farmers buy a new cow, they flip through the catalog. | (0) |
Cows | 6/29/2023 |
I went to a kleptomaniac’s anonymous meeting the other day, but all the seats were taken. | (0) |
Kleptomaniacs | 6/29/2023 |
What job are trees well qualified for? Being branch managers. | (0) |
Trees | 6/29/2023 |
My wife says on the cheapest person on earth. I’m not buying it. | (1) |
Relationships | 6/29/2023 |
What kind of bee can’t make up its mind? A maybe. | (0) |
Animals, Bees | 6/16/2023 |
I work with a hostage negotiator. I tried to call in sick, and he talked me out of it. | (0) |
Negotiators | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call a sad dog made of fruit? A melancholy! | (2) |
Animals, Dogs, Fruit | 6/16/2023 |
When Noah Webster wrote the first English dictionary, it was a defining moment in history. | (0) |
Dictionary, History | 6/16/2023 |
I heard IKEA is starting to offer legal services. I was intrigued until I found out you have to build your own case. | (0) |
IKEA, Lawyers | 6/16/2023 |
What’s the leading cause of divorce? Marriage. | (0) |
Divorce, Marriage | 6/16/2023 |
If your dog is running a fever, you should give them ketchup. Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hotdog. | (1) |
Animals, Dogs, Ketchup | 6/16/2023 |
I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry. | (1) |
Food, Kids, McDonald's | 6/16/2023 |
What store only sells bagels and donuts? Hole foods. | (0) |
Donuts, Food | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call a donut shop that is also a dispensary? Glazed and confused. | (1) |
Donuts, Food | 6/16/2023 |
I love going outdoors. It’s so much safer than going out windows. | (0) |
Doors, Windows | 6/16/2023 |
Every June 1, I am dismayed. | (0) |
Calendar | 6/16/2023 |
Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas? Because he had no Monet for Da Gaulle to make the Van Gogh. | (0) |
Art | 6/16/2023 |
Some people are like slinkys. They’re not terribly useful, but you can’t help but smile when they fall down the stairs. | (0) |
People, Slinkys | 6/16/2023 |
I saw an umpire get hit by a pitch in the groin during a baseball game. The count was two balls and one strike. | (0) |
Baseball, Sports, Umpires | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call someone who challenges Mike Tyson to a fight? An ambulance. | (0) |
Fight, Mike Tyson | 6/16/2023 |
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short. | (0) |
Words | 6/16/2023 |
I have a pet termite that I named Clint. Clint eats wood | (0) |
Animals, Termites | 6/16/2023 |
If the United States changed from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion. | (0) |
Measurement | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call it when a prisoner smuggles in a phone and sends a message? Con text. | (0) |
Phones, Prison | 6/16/2023 |
My boss told me to have a nice day. So I went home. | (0) |
Work | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call a falcon at church? A bird of pray! | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Church | 6/16/2023 |
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a fantasy. | (0) |
Ocean, Soda | 6/16/2023 |
I booked a cruise for our vacation and my wife said I picked the wrong ocean. She should have been more Pacific in her instructions. | (0) |
Cruise, Ocean, Vacation | 6/16/2023 |
What do you get when you take a nap by the ocean? Resting beach face! | (0) |
Beach, Ocean | 6/16/2023 |
I found a bunch of batteries on the beach. I collected C-cells on the seashore. | (0) |
Batteries, Beach | 6/16/2023 |
I had an appointment with my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn’t be able to make it. | (0) |
Psychics | 6/16/2023 |
Did you hear the rainbow was arrested for grand theft auto? Don’t worry, it got a light prism sentence. | (0) |
Rainbows | 6/16/2023 |
What do you call a caveman who wanders everywhere? A meanderthal. | (0) |
Cavemen | 6/16/2023 |
Why do mattresses have floral designs? They’re flower beds. | (0) |
Mattresses | 6/16/2023 |
What did the bug say after hitting the windshield? If I had the guts, I’d do it again! | (0) |
Animals, Bugs, Windshield | 6/16/2023 |
What is Snow White’s least favorite spot at the mall? The Apple Store. | (0) |
Apples, Snow White | 6/16/2023 |
I switched my GPS voice to be Matthew McConaughey. Now I can’t turn left. | (0) |
Directions, GPS | 6/16/2023 |
What does a divorced Texas woman say? Remember the alimony. | (0) |
Divorce, Texas | 6/16/2023 |
Why shouldn’t you fight a squirrel? They go straight for the nuts. | (0) |
Animals, Squirrels | 6/16/2023 |
One time, Superman and Chuck Norris made a bet, and whoever lost had to wear their underwear on the outside. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Superman | 6/16/2023 |
What animal never stops talking? A yak. | (0) |
Animals | 6/16/2023 |
Apparently California leads the nation in depression and infidelity. What a sad state of affairs. | (0) |
California | 6/16/2023 |
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking for another shot. | (0) |
Bartenders | 6/16/2023 |
Charlie Sheen and Amber Heard had a baby and gave it Charlie’s last name. They wanted it to be Sheen but not heard. | (0) |
Charlie Sheen | 5/27/2023 |
A waiter stopped by his table full of women named Karen and asked, “Is anything okay?” | (3) |
Karen, Restaurants | 5/27/2023 |
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change. | (2) |
Light bulbs, Psychiatrists | 5/27/2023 |
Did you hear PETA might go out of business? They are struggling to make meats end. | (0) |
Meats, PETA | 5/27/2023 |
I just learned about recency bias. It’s my favorite kind! | (0) |
Bias | 5/27/2023 |
What’s the opposite of progress? Congress! | (0) |
Congress, Progress | 5/27/2023 |
Your computer might freeze if you leave too many windows open. Especially if it’s really cold outside. | (0) |
Computers, Windows | 5/27/2023 |
An old guy and a young child are crossing the road. Which do you hit first? The brakes, of course! | (0) |
Cars | 5/27/2023 |
My kid came home and said “Mom, I answered a question today that nobody else could!” The question was “Who farted?” | (0) |
Farts | 5/27/2023 |
What is a cannibal’s favorite burger joint? Five guys! | (0) |
Burgers, Cannibals | 5/27/2023 |
I have an irrational fear of intricate apartment communities. It’s a complex complex complex. | (1) |
Complexes | 5/27/2023 |
Do you know how to keep a moron in suspense? I will tell you tomorrow. | (0) |
Morons | 5/27/2023 |
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can’t see in the dark. | (0) |
Darkness | 5/27/2023 |
What is the medical diagnosis for owning way too many dogs? Roverdose. | (0) |
Dogs | 5/27/2023 |
My son, Luke loves that he was named after a Star Wars character, but my daughter Chewbacca hates me. | (0) |
Star Wars | 5/27/2023 |
My friend is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris. | (0) |
Irish | 5/27/2023 |
What do you call it when you make 150 bucks before taxes cleaning toilets? Gross income. | (0) |
Income | 5/27/2023 |
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you’re eating dinner. | (0) |
Light bulbs, Telemarketers | 5/27/2023 |
We waited two hours to get into Legoland. People were lined up for blocks. | (0) |
Legos | 5/27/2023 |
I’ve never actually punched anyone, I’m more of a passive fist. | (0) |
Fighting | 5/27/2023 |
What is it called when you employ a nun at work? Nun of your business! | (0) |
Nuns | 5/27/2023 |
I gave a bunch of sugar to the Zelda hero. He ran around until he turned blue, then red. He was a hyperlink! | (0) |
Sugar, Zelda | 5/25/2023 |
Mom's recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold. | (1) |
Coffee, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
Good moms let you lick the mixer after making brownies, great moms turn it off first. | (3) |
Baking, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
Life of a mom: It takes 35 minutes to put shoes on your toddler, but they can open three apps, delete iTunes, and call your boss in 17 seconds. | (0) |
Children, Moms | 5/14/2023 |
There’s no end or escape. I’m out of control. I lost my home. I’m okay, but it’s probably time for a new keyboard. | (0) |
Computers, Keyboards | 5/14/2023 |
When I was little, I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. Then how come I’m being arrested for identity theft? | (2) |
Children, Identity Theft | 5/14/2023 |
What do you call a ghost that looks like a chicken? A Poultrygeist! | (0) |
Animals, Chickens, Ghosts | 5/14/2023 |
If you quit a club and then rejoin, does that mean you’ll be remembered? | (0) |
Clubs | 5/14/2023 |
I got rid of our vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust. | (0) |
Vacuums | 5/14/2023 |
You hear about the eye of the Tiger, quite a bit, but what about the other four letters? | (0) |
Animals, Tigers | 5/14/2023 |
My friend introduced me to his imaginary girlfriend. I looked over at her (I think) and said you can do better than that. | (2) |
Friends | 5/14/2023 |
I told my wife she’s a 10. But Excel thinks she’s an October. | (4) |
Excel, Numbers, Relationships | 5/14/2023 |
I just got part of an emotional support animal. Actually, it’s really just a piece of bacon. | (0) |
Animals, Bacon | 5/14/2023 |
Alcoholics don’t run in my family…they drive. | (0) |
Alcoholics, Driving | 5/14/2023 |
I got thrown out of the mime club yesterday. It must have been something I said. | (1) |
Mimes | 5/14/2023 |
My doctor said I’ve got way too much sodium in my diet. I am taking his advice with a grain of salt. | (0) |
Diets | 5/14/2023 |
What happens when you read a dictionary? Every other book is just a remix! | (0) |
Books | 5/14/2023 |
What’s the difference between golf and everything else in the world? Subpar performance is a good thing! | (0) |
Golf | 5/14/2023 |
If Taylor Swift fans are called Swifties, does that make Carrie Underwood’s fans called Undies? | (0) |
Music | 5/14/2023 |
I smoke king-sized cigarettes, and I sleep standing up. I like big butts and I cannot lie. | (1) |
Sleeping, Smoking | 5/14/2023 |
Where did Noah keep the bees? In the archives. | (0) |
Animals, Bees, Noah | 5/14/2023 |
If you want to fly with a brand where all the pilots are bald, you should go with receding airlines. | (0) |
Baldness, Pilots | 5/14/2023 |
If you cut off only your left hand, your right hand will be left. | (0) |
Hands | 5/14/2023 |
Once a fireman fought fire with fire. Ironically, then he got fired. | (0) |
Firemen | 5/14/2023 |
When my dad dies, he wants to be cremated and pressed into his favorite record. It’s his vinyl request. | (0) |
Dads, Records | 5/14/2023 |
What do you give a man who has everything? Strong antibiotics. | (1) |
Medicine | 5/14/2023 |
I have a great tile guy. His work leaves me completely floored. | (0) |
Floors, Tiles | 5/14/2023 |
Which Roman emperor never lived to be 20? Constantine. | (0) |
Romans, Teenagers | 5/14/2023 |
How do you know a banjo player is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in. | (0) |
Burglars, Music | 5/14/2023 |
I saw an ad that said “Fresh ice made from scratch.” I must say, it made my mouth water a little. | (2) |
Ice, Water | 5/14/2023 |
When asked to summarize my life in five words, I responded “doesn’t follow directions.” | (0) |
Directions | 4/30/2023 |
What kind of pictures are taken in the Arctic? Polaroids. | (0) |
Pictures, Polaroids | 4/30/2023 |
When we divorced, my wife and I decided to split the house. I got the outside. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/30/2023 |
I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was THANKS. | (0) |
Celebrities | 4/30/2023 |
Did you hear about the farmer who found his lost daughter? He tractor her down in a seedy part of town. | (0) |
Children, Farmers | 4/30/2023 |
My friend named his baby son, Myles. I told him, you know, in England, they’re going to call him kilometers. | (0) |
Children, Friends | 4/30/2023 |
My colorblind friend insisted that apples are yellow. I told him that’s just bananas. | (2) |
Colorblind, Food, Fruit | 4/30/2023 |
My favorite smoke shop got replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigars. | (0) |
Clothes, Smoking | 4/30/2023 |
My math teacher told me I was just average, which was kind of mean. | (0) |
Math, Teachers | 4/30/2023 |
I bought a used iPhone and deleted all the German names off of it. Now it’s Hans free! | (0) |
German, Phones | 4/30/2023 |
I named my iPhone Titanic. Now every time I connect to Bluetooth, it says Titanic is syncing. | (0) |
Phones, Titanic | 4/30/2023 |
A steak pun is a rare medium well done. | (0) |
Food, Steak | 4/30/2023 |
I’m addicted to procrastination…but I can start anytime I want. | (2) |
Procrastination | 4/30/2023 |
Why did Beethoven hate chickens? Because their favorite composer was BACH! | (0) |
Chickens, Music | 4/30/2023 |
I told a dad joke on Zoom and no one laughed. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny. | (0) |
Virtual | 4/30/2023 |
How do you make an elephant fly? Start with a 4-foot zipper. | (0) |
Animals, Elephants | 4/30/2023 |
I got a new car for my wife. Best trade I’ve ever made. | (0) |
Relationships | 4/30/2023 |
I only type with one hand. I’ve been told it’s bad form to stereo type. | (1) |
Typing | 4/30/2023 |
Why did the plywood fall asleep? It was board! | (0) |
Wood | 4/30/2023 |
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. | (0) |
Cannibals | 4/30/2023 |
My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore. | (1) |
Children, Tools | 4/30/2023 |
I poured my root beer into a square glass. Then I was left with plain beer! | (0) |
Math, Root Beer | 4/30/2023 |
Don’t bother trying donkey meat. It tasted like ass. | (1) |
Animals, Donkeys | 4/30/2023 |
Why did Stalin write in only lowercase letters? Because he was afraid of capitalism. | (0) |
Soviets | 4/30/2023 |
Why did the chicken use a Oiji board? So he could channel the other side. | (1) |
Animals, Chickens | 4/30/2023 |
Don't challenge death to a pillow fight, unless you're prepared for the repear cushions. | (1) |
Death, Pillows | 4/23/2023 |
Which animal has more lives than a cat? A frog - they croak every day! | (0) |
Animals, Cats, Frogs | 4/22/2023 |
I got hit in the head by a soda can. Thank goodness it was a soft drink. | (0) |
Drinks | 4/22/2023 |
A chef combined alphabet soup with a laxative. He’s calling it letter rip. | (2) |
Chefs, Food | 4/22/2023 |
I have a second job as a waiter. It’s the only way I can put food on the table. | (1) |
Food, Work | 4/22/2023 |
I have an escalator phobia. I am taking steps to deal with it. | (0) |
Escalators | 4/22/2023 |
I went to a safari park and a rhino tried to charge me. I showed him my ticket, but he still didn’t listen. | (0) |
Animals, Rhinos | 4/22/2023 |
What does a lumberjack do when he gets upset? He throws a timber tantrum. | (1) |
Lumberjacks | 4/22/2023 |
A woman asked a librarian where the childbirth books are. The librarian responded “Look over in the C-section.” | (1) |
Birth, Books, Librarians | 4/22/2023 |
People that like origami are pretty terrible at poker. They are always folding. | (0) |
Oragami, Paper, Poker | 4/22/2023 |
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle in a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle? A tire. | (0) |
Animals, Bikes, Monkeys | 4/22/2023 |
Which trail do crazy bikers like to take? The psychopath. | (0) |
Bikers, Trails | 4/22/2023 |
Bears can run and swim faster than humans, so the only chance you have to beat them in a triathlon is to bike faster. | (0) |
Animals, Bears, Racing | 4/22/2023 |
Do you know what’s ironic? All parachutes come with a lifetime guarantee! | (2) |
Parachutes | 4/22/2023 |
Why is Earth so bitter? Because there are 52 Sundays but only one Earth day. | (1) |
Earth, Sunday | 4/22/2023 |
How did Mary know she was going into labor with baby Jesus? Her wine broke. | (0) |
Jesus, Mary, Wine | 4/22/2023 |
What did Iron Man say after he got back from IKEA? Avengers, assemble! | (0) |
Ikea, Iron Man | 4/22/2023 |
Yesterday I did nothing. Today I’m going to finish what I started yesterday! | (0) |
Laziness | 4/13/2023 |
I had a weird morning. First, I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar. | (0) |
Guitar, Money, Music | 4/13/2023 |
Where do marathons in Sweden end? At the Finnish line. | (0) |
Finland, Marathons, Sweden | 4/13/2023 |
I really struggle with spreadsheets. They’re just not something I excel at. | (1) |
Excel, Spreadsheets | 4/13/2023 |
What do you call a Ford fiesta that has run out of gas? A Ford siesta! | (1) |
Cars, Fiesta, Ford, Gas | 4/13/2023 |
How do you drop an egg on concrete without cracking it? Any way really, concrete is pretty tough. | (0) |
Concrete, Eggs, Food | 4/13/2023 |
Why shouldn’t you take a GPS to the cemetery? You might just reach your final destination. | (0) |
Cemetery, GPS | 4/13/2023 |
What did Egyptian say when they buried their royalty? That’s a wrap! | (0) |
Egyptians, Mummies | 4/13/2023 |
What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement? Graveyards! | (0) |
Measurement, Skeletons | 4/13/2023 |
What happens when you combine a telescope and a microscope? You get a kaleidoscope. | (1) |
Microscopes, Telescopes | 4/13/2023 |
What do vampires do after a hard day’s work? They crack open a boy with the cold ones. | (0) |
Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
Which TV show had the worst pilot? Lost. He crashed the plane on the first episode. | (0) |
Pilots, Shows, TV | 4/13/2023 |
Where’s the best place to have waffles on the beach? Sandy eggo! | (1) |
Beach, Food, Waffles | 4/13/2023 |
I quit my job as a bodybuilder. I just put in my too-weak notice. | (0) |
Exercise, Work | 4/13/2023 |
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner is on me! | (0) |
Food, Plates | 4/13/2023 |
What are shoes made out of banana peels called? Slippers! | (0) |
Bananas, Food, Shoes | 4/13/2023 |
Arguing with my wife is like accepting a software agreement. In the end, I ignore it all and click agree. | (0) |
Computers, Relationships | 4/13/2023 |
What do you call an experienced soldier captured by cannibals? A seasoned veteran. | (0) |
Cannibals, Soldiers | 4/13/2023 |
What is Dracula’s favorite beer? Blood light. | (0) |
Beer, Dracula, Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
My wife finally tried out our new bidet. She had a blast! | (0) |
Toilets | 4/13/2023 |
Why are chickens so rude? Because they use such foul language. | (0) |
Animals, Chickens | 4/13/2023 |
What do you call a king who is only 1 foot tall? A ruler! | (0) |
Kings | 4/13/2023 |
What kind of writer makes a lot of mistakes? The one with a typo personality. | (0) |
Writers | 4/13/2023 |
How do vampire killers like their steaks? Sharpened! | (0) |
Vampires | 4/13/2023 |
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! | (0) |
Animals, Rabbits | 4/13/2023 |
I was jogging, and after 5280 feet I tripped over a rock. I guess you could call it a mile stone. | (0) |
Exercise, Rocks | 4/13/2023 |
What is an Irish rabbit's favorite airport? O’Hare! | (0) |
Airports, Animals, Rabbits | 4/13/2023 |
Why was Star Wars Episode 4 the first one to be released? In charge Yoda was. | (0) |
Star Wars | 4/13/2023 |
FedEx and UPS are merging. They are calling it Fed Up. | (0) |
Delivery, FedEx, UPS | 4/13/2023 |
Why do eggs hate Easter? Because it’s the day they all dye. | (0) |
Easter, Eggs | 4/13/2023 |
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. | (0) |
Measurement | 4/13/2023 |
If both of your parents are bakers, does that make you inbred? | (0) |
Baking, Family | 4/13/2023 |
What do cows call churned cream made from their half siblings? Butter from another udder. | (1) |
Animals, Cows, Cream | 4/13/2023 |
When people tell me my wife and my daughter look alike, I say well, they were separated at birth. | (0) |
Family | 4/13/2023 |
The zookeeper asked me why I was throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit. I said the sign here says do not feed, $10 fine. | (1) |
Animals, Elephants, Money | 4/13/2023 |
Some thieves were caught trying to steal stuff at the frozen food factory. It was not a well thawed-out plan. | (0) |
Food, Frozen, Robbery | 4/13/2023 |
Did anyone lose a wad of hundred dollar bills with a rubber band wrapped around it? Because I found your rubber band! | (1) |
Money | 4/13/2023 |
Do you know who’s always under a lot of pressure? Submarine captains. | (0) |
Pressure, Submarines | 4/13/2023 |
If you hear a joke about a submarine and don’t get it, just let it sink in. | (0) |
Submarines | 4/13/2023 |
A dung beatle walks into a bar and says, is this stool taken? | (0) |
Animals, Bars, Bugs | 4/13/2023 |
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? She keeps running away from the ball. | (0) |
Cinderella, Soccer | 4/13/2023 |
I was thinking of going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts! | (0) |
Food, Nuts | 4/6/2023 |
When life shuts a door, open it again. It's a door, that's how they work. | (1) |
Doors, Life | 4/6/2023 |
Here are two words that will open a lot of doors for you: push and pull. | (4) |
Doors | 3/31/2023 |
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. | (0) |
Insanity | 3/31/2023 |
Why are prisoners bad musicians? Because they are usually behind a few bars and can’t find the key. | (0) |
Prison | 3/31/2023 |
Ever heard of the rock band called The Keys? They were the opening act for The Doors. | (0) |
Bands | 3/31/2023 |
How do candles feel when they’re blown out? De-lighted! | (1) |
Candles | 3/31/2023 |
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point. | (1) |
Math, School | 3/31/2023 |
What do you call cheese that is being interrogated? Grilled cheese! | (2) |
Cheese, Food | 3/31/2023 |
I learned guitar quickly, but not piano. It’s not an easy instrument to pick up. | (0) |
Instruments, Music | 3/31/2023 |
Apparently people are mixing up the words burro and burrow. They don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. | (2) |
Animals | 3/31/2023 |
New York’s subway system is confusing. I was trying to go to Times Square, but I ended up with a foot-long meatball sandwich. | (0) |
Food, Transportation | 3/31/2023 |
I started a poetry group for criminals. It’s called prose and cons. | (0) |
Criminals, Poetry | 3/31/2023 |
I got some new shears to trim my bushes. That’s cutting-hedge technology. | (0) |
Bushes, Gardening | 3/31/2023 |
My wife yelled from the other room, “Do you ever get a shooting pain in your back like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll?” I replied “No” and she yelled “How about now?” | (2) |
Relationships | 3/24/2023 |
What happens when an escalator company uses an escalator? They get high off their own supply! | (1) |
Drugs | 3/24/2023 |
Why does the chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. | (0) |
Animals, Cars, Chickens | 3/24/2023 |
Did you hear about the priest who wore several crucifix necklaces? He was a cross dresser. | (1) |
Religion | 3/24/2023 |
I started a dating website for chickens called Tender. It’s not my main job…I do it to make hens meet. | (0) |
Animals, Chickens, Relationships | 3/24/2023 |
I grilled a chicken for two hours, and it still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road. | (2) |
Animals, Chickens | 3/24/2023 |
What does a Nigerian prince order for breakfast? Spam. | (0) |
Food | 3/24/2023 |
What did the beach say when the ocean asked to go on a date? Shore! | (0) |
Beach | 3/24/2023 |
A lot of teenagers actually turn into good drivers. So if you’re a good driver, watch out for teenagers turning. | (2) |
Children, Driving, Teenagers | 3/24/2023 |
If TikTok gets banned, what sound are clocks supposed to make? | (0) |
Clocks | 3/24/2023 |
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card! | (3) |
Friends | 3/24/2023 |
This morning I accidentally used Red Bull instead of water when I made coffee. I got halfway to work when I realized I forgot my car. | (3) |
Coffee, Red Bull | 3/24/2023 |
If you accidentally drop ice on the floor, just kick it under the refrigerator. Soon it will be water under the fridge. | (0) |
Ice, Water | 3/24/2023 |
My dad was a conjoined twin. It gave new meaning to the phrase "Uncle on my dad’s side." | (0) |
Family | 3/24/2023 |
What do you call a dad joke about the desert? Dry humor. | (3) |
Deserts | 3/24/2023 |
Why is the weather on earth so crazy and unpredictable? Because it’s bipolar. | (0) |
Weather | 3/24/2023 |
What do you call a guy with a criminal record working at a carnival in cold weather? Chili con carny. | (2) |
Criminals | 3/24/2023 |
Scientists are studying the effects of cannabis on sea birds. They’ve left no tern unstoned. | (0) |
Animals, Birds, Drugs | 3/24/2023 |
Why did the student eat her homework? Because it was a piece of cake! | (0) |
Children, School | 3/24/2023 |
What kind of hay do religious cows eat? Christian Bales. | (1) |
Animals, Christians, Cows | 3/17/2023 |
My friend just did the unthinkable. I can’t even imagine what it was like. | (0) |
Thinking | 3/17/2023 |
I accidentally said Shirley today instead of Siri. Now my phone is stuck on airplane mode. | (1) |
Airplanes, Siri | 3/17/2023 |
I didn’t really want to go spelunking, but I eventually caved. | (0) |
Caves | 3/17/2023 |
What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in Ireland? Some horse lost its shoe! | (1) |
Animals, Horses, Irish | 3/17/2023 |
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock! | (0) |
Irish | 3/17/2023 |
You shouldn’t iron a four leaf clover. You just might press your luck. | (0) |
Irish, Luck | 3/17/2023 |
My tax refund showed up on St. Patrick’s Day. I call that the luck of the IRS! | (2) |
Irish, Taxes | 3/17/2023 |
People often asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my Tinder profile pic. I tell them I’m just looking for a match. | (0) |
Dating | 3/17/2023 |
You can’t tell puns around a thief. Because they take things…literally. | (0) |
Puns, Thief | 3/17/2023 |
What room is usually not haunted by ghosts? The living room! | (0) |
Ghosts | 3/17/2023 |
I thought about going on a diet once, but I didn’t go. I had too much on my plate. | (0) |
Diets | 3/17/2023 |
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. | (0) |
Lawyers | 3/17/2023 |
I killed a huge mouse with a bat today. Then I was promptly banned for life from Disney World. | (1) |
Animal, Disney, Mouse | 3/17/2023 |
1.5. That’s the number of times James Bond says his name when introducing himself. | (0) |
James Bond | 3/17/2023 |
My wife asked me to pick up six cans of sprite. I got home and realized I picked 7-Up. | (1) |
Drinks | 3/17/2023 |
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside! | (0) |
Animals, Chickens | 3/17/2023 |
I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug. | (2) |
Relationships | 3/17/2023 |
A sock full of pennies is a great weapon to have. You never know when you’re gonna need to beat the cents into someone. | (2) |
Pennies | 3/17/2023 |
When one door closes, another one opens. That’s the last Kia I’ll ever buy. | (0) |
Cars, Doors | 3/17/2023 |
I found a pamphlet on anger management. But then I lost it. | (1) |
Anger | 3/17/2023 |
What is it called when 10 bowling pins don’t show up to work? A strike! | (1) |
Bowling | 3/17/2023 |
My friend Will is an awesome tour guide who never gets lost. Where there’s a Will, there’s a way. | (0) |
Tours | 3/17/2023 |
I can sum up all of 2023 in just one word: seven. | (0) |
Dates, Math | 3/10/2023 |
Never blame other people for the road that you're on. It's your own asphalt. | (2) |
Road | 3/10/2023 |
Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight. | (0) |
Solar Power | 3/10/2023 |
Two brothers thought they could fly. They were Wright. | (0) |
Flying | 3/10/2023 |
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. | (3) |
Skydiving | 3/10/2023 |
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk. | (0) |
Birds | 3/10/2023 |
What did one snowman say to another snowman? Hey…do you smell carrots? | (0) |
Snowman | 3/10/2023 |
Why were the butterflies not inivted to the dance? Because it was a mothball. | (0) |
Animals, Butterflies | 3/10/2023 |
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. | (0) |
Trash, Vehicles | 3/10/2023 |
When Chuck Norris tells a dad, joke, nobody groans. But they do die laughing. | (2) |
Chuch Norris | 3/10/2023 |
Chuck Norris signed up for a new email account. The email address is gmail@chucknorris.com. | (3) |
Chuch Norris, Email | 3/10/2023 |
Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web when he punched Spider-Man. | (0) |
Chuch Norris, Internet, Spider-Man | 3/10/2023 |
Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally and came back with his shirt ironed. | (3) |
Chuch Norris, Feminists | 3/10/2023 |
Chuck Norris got COVID-19, and the virus had to quarantine for 14 days. | (0) |
Chuch Norris, COVID-19 | 3/10/2023 |
Chuck Norris once beat the sun in a staring contest. | (0) |
Chuch Norris, Sun | 3/10/2023 |
What’s the biggest insect in the world? The 200 m butterfly! | (0) |
Animals, Insects, Swimming | 3/10/2023 |
My date and I were going to meet at the gym, but she didn’t show. That’s when I realized we weren’t going to work out. | (0) |
Relationships | 3/8/2023 |
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. | (1) |
Toilet paper | 3/8/2023 |
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF. | (2) |
Calendar | 3/8/2023 |
Who’s the first person you see after saying “Watch this!”? A nurse. | (0) |
Doctors, Nurses | 3/8/2023 |
Does anything start with an N and end with a G? No, but nothing does. | (0) |
Words | 3/8/2023 |
It must be tough for female postal workers, because it’s such a mail-dominated industry. | (0) |
Mail, Women | 3/8/2023 |
If you eat alphabet soup, watch out for vowel movements. | (0) |
Letters | 3/8/2023 |
What do you call someone who sketches suspects for the police? A con artist! | (0) |
Drawing, Police | 3/8/2023 |
What do you call a book club that’s been reading the same book for several years? A church. | (0) |
Books, Church | 3/8/2023 |
Indiana is just like India, but with a little extra sodium. | (2) |
Geography | 3/8/2023 |
What’s a pyromaniac‘s favorite book? A book of matches! | (0) |
Books, Fire | 3/8/2023 |
What kind of dinosaur has a great vocabulary? A thesaurus. | (0) |
Dinosaur, Words | 3/8/2023 |
Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them ordered blood and the third ordered plasma. So the bartender says that’ll be two bloods and one blood light? | (0) |
Bars, Vampires | 3/8/2023 |
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? The one that says he was traded to the Yankees! | (0) |
Pirates, Sports | 3/8/2023 |
What do you call an antique clock that doesn’t work? Timeless. | (0) |
Clocks | 3/8/2023 |
I stepped on a cornflake, and now everyone thinks I’m a cereal killer. | (0) |
Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
How does Reese eat her cereal? Witherspoon. | (0) |
Celebrities, Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
My wife tells everyone I like alphabet cereal, but she’s just putting words in my mouth. | (0) |
Cereal, Words | 3/8/2023 |
One bird can’t finish an entire bowl of fruit loops. But tucan. | (0) |
Birds, Cereal | 3/8/2023 |
Which one of king Arthur’s knights built the round table? Circumference. | (0) |
Kings | 3/8/2023 |
If a math teacher has five bottles in one hand and six in the other, what does she have? A drinking problem. | (1) |
Drinks, Math | 3/8/2023 |
Where do math teachers like to go on vacation? Times Square! | (0) |
Math, Vacation | 3/8/2023 |
Can a burger and hot dog get married? Only if it's a frank relationship! | (0) |
Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese! | (0) |
Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
How does a hamburger introduce his wife? Meat Patty. | (0) |
Burger, Food | 3/8/2023 |
What is a cow's favorite medical TV show? Graze Anatomy. | (2) |
Cows, Television | 3/2/2023 |
I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but now I stand corrected. | (0) |
Shoes | 3/2/2023 |
Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. It was a total guess, but I was right. | (0) |
Letters | 3/2/2023 |
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I realized I was probably about to get kicked out of Ikea. | (1) |
Ikea | 3/2/2023 |
When Thor throws a hammer, he's regarded as a hero. When I do it, I get banned from Home Depot. | (0) |
Heroes, Tools | 3/2/2023 |
Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint button? To get to the other slide! | (1) |
Animals, Chickens, Computers | 3/2/2023 |
My secret to a six-figure salary is putting figures to the right of the decimal. | (0) |
Math, Money | 3/2/2023 |
Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a brief case. | (0) |
Law, Underwear | 3/2/2023 |
What do you get when you steal a monkey's bananas? Furious George! | (0) |
Animals, Monkeys | 3/2/2023 |
My wife said "Since you think you know everything, why don't you write a book?" I said "Well, that's a novel idea." | (0) |
Books | 3/2/2023 |
I bought a book titled "How to scam people online" about three months ago. It hasn't arrived yet. | (1) |
Books, Internet, Scams | 3/2/2023 |
I have a bad book joke. If it offends you, please don't read into it too much. | (0) |
Books | 3/2/2023 |
There are two words that always make me cry at weddings: "open bar." | (1) |
Bars, Weddings | 2/28/2023 |
A man asked me to donate to the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. | (1) |
Pools | 2/28/2023 |
Why is the divorce rate so low among horses? Because they have such stable relationships. | (1) |
Animals, Horses, Relationships | 2/28/2023 |
Why do tigers eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook. | (0) |
Animals | 2/27/2023 |
I've heard crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet. That sounds strange because I've only ever seen them with four. | (3) |
Animals | 2/27/2023 |
What's the difference between male and fe-male? Iron. | (1) |
Relationships, Science | 2/27/2023 |
When I called to ask about yoga lessons, they asked me how flexible I am. I said I can't do Tuesdays. | (2) |
Yoga | 2/27/2023 |
My wife denies putting honey on my pistol, but I'm sticking to my guns. | (1) |
Relationships | 2/27/2023 |
Someone is stealing the wheels off of police cars. They are looking tirelessly to find him. | (2) |
Police | 2/27/2023 |
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself, "Wow, this changes everything!" | (0) |
Technology | 2/27/2023 |
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not for iron. Which is ironic. | (2) |
Science | 2/27/2023 |
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt and says "Can I get one for the road please?" | (1) |
Bars | 2/27/2023 |
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion! | (0) |
Math, Weight | 2/22/2023 |
I asked Alexa: "What do women want?" The thing hasn't shut up for two weeks! | (0) |
Relationships, Technology | 2/22/2023 |
Stats show that that one out of three people in relationships are cheating. Now I just need to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend. | (0) |
Relationships | 2/22/2023 |
I took an old girlfriend out to lunch yesterday. That's how I fed ex. | (0) |
Relationships | 2/22/2023 |
I think Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump. But that's comparing apples to oranges. | (0) |
Food, Presidents | 2/22/2023 |
I went to a bottomless brunch. Everyone else had their pants on. | (0) |
Food | 2/17/2023 |
Some people like to paddle in the front of the canoe and others in the back. I can do either ore. | (0) |
Boats | 2/17/2023 |
Rocket scientists make great archers. They specialize in aerodynamics. | (0) |
Sports, Work | 2/17/2023 |
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonations. But don't worry, I will return! | (0) |
Movies, Relationships | 2/17/2023 |
Why did the inventor of sandals stop short of selling them? He got cold feet. | (0) |
Shoes | 2/17/2023 |
I think the inventor of knock knock jokes deserves the no-bell prize. | (0) |
Knock knock | 2/17/2023 |
What do you call a beehive without any exits? Unbelievable! | (0) |
Animals, Bees | 2/17/2023 |
What do you call a royal cow? Sir loin. | (0) |
Animals, Cows | 2/17/2023 |
I got selected for a random drug test today. It was negative, but now my dealer has some explaining to do. | (0) |
Drugs | 2/17/2023 |
Who's the coolest guy at the hosiptal? The hip replacement doctor! | (1) |
Doctors | 2/17/2023 |
I love Peter Pan jokes, because they never get old. | (1) |
Peter Pan | 2/17/2023 |
I caught my vegan girlfriend eating a steak, and I said wow, that's rare! | (0) |
Food, Relationships, Steak, Vegans | 2/17/2023 |
If you have you interest in banking, you are not a loan. | (0) |
Banks | 2/17/2023 |
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone. | (0) |
Banks | 2/17/2023 |
A naked man robbed a bank. Nobody could remember his face! | (2) |
Banks | 2/17/2023 |
How do farmers like to party? They turnip the beats! | (1) |
Food | 2/17/2023 |
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's really sad that they’ll never meet. | (0) |
Math, School | 2/17/2023 |
Where do fish like to go on vacation? Finland! | (0) |
Fish | 2/17/2023 |
You know what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket? Watch how far I can kick this bucket! | (0) |
Grandpas | 2/17/2023 |
What do you call a stupid fish? Dumb bass! | (1) |
Fish | 2/17/2023 |
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile. | (0) |
Nuns | 2/17/2023 |
I can tolerate algebra and even calculus. But geometry is where I draw the line. | (0) |
Math, School | 2/17/2023 |
Why do zebras have stripes? They didn't want to be spotted. | (0) |
Animals | 2/17/2023 |
I'd like to tell you all a good economics joke, but there just isn't enough demand. | (0) |
Economics, school | 2/17/2023 |
My landlord told me we need to discuss my heating bill. I said sure, my door is always open. | (0) |
General | 2/17/2023 |
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. | (2) |
Teeth | 2/17/2023 |
How does Han Solo like his steak? Tender but not Chewy. | (0) |
Star Wars | 2/17/2023 |
I told a joke about Chemistry. It had no reaction. | (0) |
Chemistry, School | 2/17/2023 |
The best dad jokes involve pizza and dull pencils. They're cheesy and pointless. | (0) |
Food, Pencils, Pizza | 2/17/2023 |
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! | (1) |
Bears, Candy, Food, Teeth | 2/17/2023 |
What did the digital clock say to it's mother? Look ma, no hands! | (2) |
Clocks | 2/17/2023 |
I turned down a job working at a vegetable farm. The celery was unacceptable! | (0) |
Farmiing, Food, Work | 2/17/2023 |
If you jog in front of a car, you get tired. If you jog behind a car, you get exhausted. | (0) |
Cars, Sports | 2/17/2023 |
Why did Ross from Friends eat a Kitkat? He was on a break! | (0) |
Candy, Friends | 2/17/2023 |
Hershey's CFO was fired this last week. He was accused of fudging the numbers! | (1) |
Candy, Chocolate | 2/17/2023 |
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M's factory? She threw away all the Ws! | (2) |
Candy | 2/17/2023 |
I asked a librarian on a date for Friday night, but she said she was already booked. | (1) |
Books, School | 2/9/2023 |
Chewbacca struggled in his first year on the job…he made a lot of wookie mistakes. | (0) |
Star Wars | 2/9/2023 |
What did the cow say to the calf who came home late? It’s pasture bedtime. | (0) |
Cows | 2/9/2023 |
Diarrhea is hereditary and I can prove it. It runs in your jeans. | (0) |
Diarrhea, Genetics | 2/9/2023 |
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded. | (1) |
Chuck Norris | 2/9/2023 |
There’s a big sale at the Lego store today. People are lined up for blocks! | (0) |
Legos | 2/9/2023 |
Why did the Lego cross the road? To get to the other block! | (0) |
Legos | 2/9/2023 |
Where do Lego people go to the doctor? To the plastic surgeon! | (0) |
Legos | 2/9/2023 |
The Lego movie was a little tough to follow up with all the moving pieces. | (0) |
Legos | 2/9/2023 |
How does a Lego man measure his shoe size? In square feet! | (1) |
Legos | 2/9/2023 |
The price of balloons has gone up a lot recently. I think it might have to do with inflation. | (1) |
Balloons, Inflation | 2/9/2023 |
Chuck Norris once got bit by a king cobra. After three days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. | (0) |
Chuck Norris, Snakes | 2/9/2023 |
I think I might be a genius. I completed a puzzle in six months when the box said four years and up! | (0) |
General | 2/9/2023 |
I went to a prom at a school for the blind. I finally got to dance like no one was watching! | (0) |
Blind, Dance, School | 2/9/2023 |
I got a new pen that writes underwater! I just hope it can write other words too. | (0) |
General | 2/9/2023 |
Face is a four letter word. Preface is a foreword letter. | (0) |
Language | 2/9/2023 |
I got an email today telling me how to read maps backwards. I’m pretty sure it was spam. | (0) |
Geography | 2/9/2023 |
I asked my German friend if he knows the square root of 81 and he said nine. | (0) |
Math, School | 2/9/2023 |
What do snakes do when they get angry? They throw a hissy fit! | (0) |
Snakes | 2/9/2023 |
Before the invention of crowbars, crows used to drink alone at home. | (0) |
Animals, Bars, Birds | 2/9/2023 |
Never criticize someone unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Because then you’ll be a mile away and you'll also have their shoes! | (1) |
Criticism, Funny | 2/9/2023 |
Two windmills are talking about music and one says all my life I’ve been a heavy metal fan. | (0) |
Windmills | 2/9/2023 |
The movie Groundhog Day is one of my favorites and it’s full of irony. I like to watch it over and over again. | (0) |
Groundhogs | 2/9/2023 |
The movie Groundhog Day is a timeless classic! | (0) |
Groundhogs | 2/9/2023 |
A friend told me about his dog that ran 10 miles to fetch a stick. That sounds a little far-fetched to me. | (0) |
Dogs | 2/9/2023 |
I got a new job at a wind farm. So far, it’s a breeze! | (0) |
Job | 2/9/2023 |
When someone hurts their funny bone, it’s not really funny. But it is humorous. | (0) |
Funny | 2/9/2023 |
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! | (1) |
Parrots | 2/9/2023 |
What do you call a politician with a clear conscience? Suffering from Alzheimer’s. | (0) |
Politicians | 2/9/2023 |
I’m writing a movie about broken bones, I just need a cast for it. | (0) |
Movies | 2/9/2023 |
I went to McDonald’s and order two large fries. But those jokers gave me a whole bunch of little ones. | (0) |
Food | 2/9/2023 |
What do you call someone who takes noodles from the rich and give them to the poor? Ramen hood! | (0) |
Noodles | 2/9/2023 |
The CEO of IKEA just got elected president of Sweden. He’s still assembling his cabinet! | (0) |
Ikea | 2/9/2023 |
Mimes are the craziest kind of people…they do such unspeakable things! | (0) |
Mimes | 2/9/2023 |
My deaf girlfriend was talking again in her sleep last night. Damn near poked my eye out! | (0) |
Deaf, Sleep talking | 1/24/2023 |
Guess what I saw? Wood! | (1) |
General | 1/24/2023 |
It might be a crude joke, but I think the oil industry is rigged. | (0) |
Oil | 1/24/2023 |
Since covid, I've been using newspaper instead of toilet paper. Times are rough! | (1) |
Toilet paper | 1/24/2023 |
Did you hear about the explosion at the pie factory? Police say there were 3.14 casualties. | (1) |
Math, School | 1/24/2023 |
Why did the grape cross the road? No raisin… | (1) |
Food, Road | 1/24/2023 |
What would you call Madonna if she was an accountant? An Immaterial Girl! | (1) |
Accounting | 1/24/2023 |
What do you call someone who loves chocolate but hates peanut butter? A Ree-sist. | (2) |
Chocolate, Food | 1/24/2023 |
What do you get when you mix peanut butter and baked beans? A fart that sticks to the roof of your butt | (0) |
Farts, Food | 1/24/2023 |
I met a DJ from Chernobyl. He's really radio active. | (0) |
Radio | 1/20/2023 |
What kind of tree has the best bark? Dogwood! | (0) |
Trees | 1/19/2023 |
I accidentally gave my wife some super glue instead of lip balm. She still isn't talking to me. | (0) |
Relationships, Talking | 1/19/2023 |
Did you hear the joke about insomnia? I never get tired of it! | (0) |
Sleep, Tired | 1/19/2023 |
I once knew a horrible train conductor, and asked him how many trains he derailed last week. He said I don't know, it's really hard to keep track. | (0) |
Trains | 1/19/2023 |
I only drink on days that start with T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow! | (0) |
Days, Drink | 1/19/2023 |
Did you know that crocodiles often live to be over 70 years old? That's why you are very likely to see them again after a while. | (0) |
Animals | 1/19/2023 |
I think cannabis dispensaries would be better named as bakeries. | (0) |
Cannabis, Weed | 1/19/2023 |
I yelled at two pigeons sitting on a power line and they dropped dead. I didn't know you could kill two birds with one's tone! | (0) |
Animals, Birds | 1/19/2023 |
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors. | (1) |
Rock | 1/19/2023 |
I walked by the stud finders while at the hardware store, and you wouldn’t believe the noise… | (1) |
Studs | 1/19/2023 |
Be careful of the Egyptian construction projects you invest in - it could be a pyramid scheme. | (0) |
Fraud, Pyramids | 1/19/2023 |
Would anyone be interested in being my companion? I'm asking for a friend. | (0) |
Companions | 1/19/2023 |
A toilet was stolen from the police station. Police report they have nothing to go on. | (1) |
Police, Toilet | 1/19/2023 |
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock. | (0) |
Clock | 1/19/2023 |
Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they're having trouble installing windows! | (0) |
Apple, Windows | 1/19/2023 |
I like to walk my cow through the vineyard. I guess you could say I herd it through the grapevine! | (1) |
Cows | 1/17/2023 |
What's brown and sticky? A stick! | (0) |
General | 1/17/2023 |
What should you do if you see a BMW use a turn signal? Call the police, it's clearly stolen. | (2) |
Cars, Police | 1/17/2023 |
I just found out my kitchen floor is made of marble. All this time I've been taking it for granite. | (0) |
Floor | 1/17/2023 |
Why do the Vikings wear purple? Because if you choked for 30 years, you'd be purple too! | (0) |
Vikings | 1/17/2023 |
If a chess player accidentally loses his tower, is that called a rookie mistake? | (0) |
Chess | 1/17/2023 |
I'm looking for the woman of my dreams. Too bad I'm an insomniac! | (0) |
Relationships, Sleep | 1/12/2023 |
I was on a diabetes website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question? | (0) |
Cookies, Food | 1/12/2023 |
Last night at dinner my 6-year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said "loan shark," so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning. | (0) |
Sharks | 1/12/2023 |
Do you know how pro baseball players will often throw a ball into the stands? Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling! | (0) |
Sports | 1/12/2023 |
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it. | (0) |
Bacon, Smoking | 1/12/2023 |
I was looking at buying a sofa and the salesman said it could seat up to five people with no problems. Then it occurred to me, I don't know five people that have no problems. | (0) |
General | 1/12/2023 |
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. | (0) |
Food | 1/12/2023 |
It's a misconception that french fries came from France. They really came out of Greece. | (0) |
Food | 1/12/2023 |
Initially, God wanted wasps to pollinate everything. But then he went with plan bee. | (0) |
Animals | 1/12/2023 |
What do you call someone who notices a crime at an Apple Store? An iWitness. | (1) |
Apple, Crime | 1/12/2023 |
A snake walked into a bar and the bartender said "How'd you do that?" | (0) |
Bars, Snakes | 1/12/2023 |
My friends said "I don't know what cloning means." I replied "That makes two of us!" | (0) |
General | 1/12/2023 |
I'm really thankful for sidewalks - they've kept me off the streets most of my life. | (0) |
General | 1/12/2023 |
My dad used to say when one door closes, another one opens. That's great in theory, but not for cabinetry. | (0) |
Advice | 1/12/2023 |
What did the bilingual cat say? Woof! What did the bilingual dog say? Yo quiero taco bell! | (1) |
Animals, Talking | 1/12/2023 |
My wife told me to stop referencing Bruce Willis films. I told her "Sorry honey, I guess old habits die hard." | (0) |
Bruce Willis, Relationships | 1/12/2023 |
I'd like to try pole vaulting, but they set the bar so high! | (2) |
Sports | 1/12/2023 |
Me: Knock knock. Kid: Who's there? Me: Broken pencil. Kid: broken pencil who? Me: Nevermind, this joke is pointless. | (0) |
Knock knock, Pencil | 1/12/2023 |
I used to be an accountant. I quit when I started hearing invoices. | (0) |
Accounting | 1/10/2023 |
A truck carrying a load of Vick's Vapor Rub flipped over. Fortunately, there was no congestion for 8 hours. | (1) |
Sick | 1/10/2023 |
What is a bunny rabbit's favorite kind of whiskey? Hopscotch! | (0) |
Animals | 1/10/2023 |
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Remorse code. | (0) |
Talking | 11/28/2022 |
What did the liability say to the asset? I don't want to die a loan… | (0) |
Accounting | 11/1/2022 |
Did you say you're cold? Why don't you stand in the corner? It's 90 degrees. | (1) |
Cold, Math, School | 10/17/2022 |
If you feed your children frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, you're a horrible parent. At least find the time to throw them in the microwave first… | (2) |
Food, Parenting | 9/21/2022 |
Do you know what seven said after eating one? Now we are even! | (1) |
Math, School | 9/19/2022 |
If a king sleeps on a king-sized mattress and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized mattress, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress! | (0) |
Sleep | 9/19/2022 |
Someone broke into my house and was looking for money. So I got up and I looked with him. | (1) |
General | 9/19/2022 |
What do you call a man with the heart of a lion? Banned from the zoo. | (1) |
Animals | 9/19/2022 |
The best part about picking a name for your baby is realizing how many people you hate. | (0) |
Children, Parenting | 9/19/2022 |
Brain transplants will never be possible. Go ahead and try to change my mind. | (0) |
General | 9/19/2022 |
What do you call a detective who accidentally solves cases? Sheer luck holmes. | (1) |
Police | 9/19/2022 |
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common? Collar ID! | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Phones | 9/19/2022 |
How do monsters discipline their children? Limit their scream time! | (0) |
Monsters, Parenting | 9/19/2022 |
When Mr. T bought an electric car, he said "I pity the fuel!" | (0) |
Cars, Mr. T | 9/19/2022 |
What happens when Batman gets injured? Bruised Wayne. | (0) |
Batman | 9/19/2022 |
Many years ago, only the rich had a car and the poor had horses. Now the poor have cars but only the rich have horses. I guess the stables have turned… | (0) |
Animals, Cars, Horses | 9/19/2022 |
There are key differences between typing on a computer and playing the piano. | (0) |
Office | 9/19/2022 |
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow. | (1) |
Relationships | 9/19/2022 |
My friend was changing a flat when he dropped a tire on his foot. Now he needs a toe! | (0) |
Cars | 9/19/2022 |
My wife told me she was leaving if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer." I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face! | (0) |
Relationships, Singing | 9/19/2022 |
Why do the French eat snails? Because they don't like fast food! | (0) |
Food | 9/19/2022 |
Queen Elizabeth sat on the throne for over 70 years. That's impressive. I start to get leg cramps in less than 10 minutes! | (0) |
Queen, Toilet | 9/19/2022 |
What do you call a cow who recently had a baby? Decaffeinated! | (0) |
Cows | 9/19/2022 |
I got fired from my job as a bank teller. A lady came in to check her balance and I tipped her over! | (1) |
Office | 9/19/2022 |
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" | (1) |
Clowns | 9/19/2022 |
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, matey!" | (0) |
Birthday, Pirates | 9/19/2022 |
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints! | (0) |
Snow, Will Smith | 9/19/2022 |
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. | (0) |
Animals, Birds | 9/19/2022 |
I got carded at a bar and my Blockbuster card fell out. The bartender said "Nevermind." | (1) |
Aging, Bars | 9/19/2022 |
When two vegans get into an argument, is it still called a beef? | (0) |
Food | 9/19/2022 |
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know… | (0) |
Classic | 9/19/2022 |
Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank. | (0) |
Fish, Money | 9/6/2022 |
How can you tell that it's been raining cats and dogs? You step in a poodle! | (0) |
Animals, Rain | 8/22/2022 |
If I'm not mistaken, white out is pretty useless. | (0) |
Office | 8/22/2022 |
I saw a burgler kicking in his own front door. He must have been working at home. | (0) |
Crime, Home, Work | 8/22/2022 |
I used to date a geologist. She kept finding faults in me. Cracks appeared, then we split. That's when you say I hit rock bottom. | (1) |
Rocks, School | 8/22/2022 |
I had to break up with my math teacher girlfriend. She was obsessed with an x. | (0) |
Math, School | 8/22/2022 |
My wife asked if I've seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't know he could?!? | (0) |
Animals, Dogs, Sports | 8/22/2022 |
My wife keeps putting ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything. | (0) |
Food | 8/22/2022 |
My daughter thinks I'm nosy and won't respect her boundaries. At least that's what she wrote in her diary… | (1) |
Children | 8/22/2022 |
A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?" | (0) |
Animals, Bars | 8/22/2022 |
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. You shouldn't buy it. | (0) |
Books | 8/22/2022 |
My wife's birthday is next week and she has been leaving jewelry magazines all over the house in anticipation. So I bought her a magazine rack! | (0) |
Birthdays, Relationships | 8/22/2022 |
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner! | (0) |
Music | 8/22/2022 |
Why isn't holy water used in vaccines? Because you shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein. | (1) |
Church, Water | 8/22/2022 |
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator! | (2) |
Food | 8/22/2022 |
I went to a police concert. Turns out it was a Sting operation. | (0) |
Music, Police | 8/22/2022 |
What's black and white and red all over? A zebra in a blender. | (1) |
Animals | 8/22/2022 |
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in on a 4K TV? HDMI! | (0) |
Star Wars, TV | 8/22/2022 |
There are two reasons why you should not drink toilet water. #1 and #2. | (1) |
Toilets | 8/22/2022 |
The gas station is now charging me to air up my tires. You know why? Inflation. | (0) |
Cars | 8/22/2022 |
What do you call a lazy doctor? Doctor Do-Little | (1) |
Doctor | 8/8/2022 |
If you give a man a plane ticket, he can fly for a day. If you push him out of a plane, he can fly for the rest of his life! | (1) |
Airplanes | 7/20/2022 |
My buddy told me a girl turned him down because he won't swim in the deep end of the pool. How shallow is that? | (0) |
Relationships | 7/20/2022 |
My ex said she needed space. So I bought her a new keyboard! | (1) |
Computers, Relationships | 7/20/2022 |
I was so angry that I threw my keyboard against the way and parts flew everywhere. That's when the shift hit the fan! | (0) |
Office | 7/20/2022 |
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for? A plastic explosive! | (1) |
Food | 7/20/2022 |
A cop stopped me and asked me why I was carrying such a large book. I told him it's a long story. | (1) |
Police | 7/20/2022 |
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky! | (1) |
Cows | 7/20/2022 |
If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it an udder failure or a milk dud? | (0) |
Cows | 7/20/2022 |
Four cows were smoking a joint and playing poker. The steaks were pretty high! | (0) |
Cows | 7/20/2022 |
A cannibal was late to a big dinner, so everyone gave him the cold shoulder. | (0) |
Cannibals, Family | 7/20/2022 |
Pride is what you feel when your kids make $100 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing! | (1) |
Cars, Children, Money, Parenting | 7/20/2022 |
What happens in a rainforest cave? An Amazon Echo! | (0) |
Nature | 7/13/2022 |
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero! | (0) |
Food | 6/29/2022 |
A police officer asked where I was between 5 and 6 and I said, I don't know, kindergarten? | (1) |
Police, School | 6/29/2022 |
What do you get when you mix alcohol and good literature? Tequila Mockingbird! | (0) |
Alcohol, Books | 6/24/2022 |
If you tell one more corny joke, I'm calling the crops. | (1) |
Farming, Food | 6/23/2022 |
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a holy movement. | (0) |
Church, Toilets | 6/23/2022 |
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the heck out of their dogs. | (0) |
Blind, Dogs | 6/23/2022 |
What happens when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino. | (0) |
Animals | 6/23/2022 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house? Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken. | (0) |
Knock knock, Road | 6/23/2022 |
Hey Siri, why don't women like me? Uh, my name's Alexa… | (1) |
Relationships | 6/23/2022 |
Why do cows eat grass? Because they can't afford steak! | (3) |
Cows | 6/23/2022 |
What is the meaning of indifference and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. | (0) |
Words | 6/23/2022 |
My girlfriend is leaving me saying that I'm not American enough. I saw it coming from a kilometer away. | (1) |
Relationships | 6/23/2022 |
No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationary. | (0) |
Office | 6/23/2022 |
I burned a few thousand calories today. Do you wanna how know? I left a pizza in the oven. | (0) |
Food | 6/23/2022 |
What do you call two boats floating next to each other? Friendships! | (0) |
Boats | 6/23/2022 |
What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the sea! | (1) |
Pirates | 6/23/2022 |
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Put it on my bill! | (0) |
Animals | 5/25/2022 |
When you think about it, every photo of farmland is cropped. | (0) |
Farming, Pictures | 5/13/2022 |
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name. | (0) |
Words | 5/13/2022 |
When ET got home, his mother asked him "Where on Earth have you been?!?" | (0) |
Movies | 5/9/2022 |
Why don't pirates take a shower before walking the plank? They'll just wash up on shore. | (0) |
Pirates | 5/9/2022 |
What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake! | (0) |
Cows | 5/9/2022 |
Why don't more people teach oragami? There's too much paperwork. | (3) |
Office | 5/9/2022 |
What do dads eat for breakfast? Pop-tarts! | (0) |
Family | 5/5/2022 |
People who handle raw meat are gross. People who handle raw vegetables are grocer. | (0) |
Food | 3/31/2022 |
What do you call a typo on a tombstone? A grave mistake. | (0) |
Words | 3/31/2022 |
I've been looking for some new hunting gear. Good camouflage is hard to find! | (0) |
Hunting | 3/29/2022 |
I know a guy who collects candy canes. They're all in mint condition! | (1) |
Christmas | 3/11/2022 |
My wife and I have decided we don't want children. We plan on telling them after supper. | (0) |
Children, Parenting | 3/9/2022 |
I had a chip implanted in my body. It was a cool ranch dorito! | (0) |
Food | 3/4/2022 |
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing. | (0) |
Christmas, Relationships | 3/3/2022 |
What do you call people who take care of chickens? Chicken tenders. | (0) |
Animals, Food | 3/3/2022 |
My wife misses me a lot. But I'm worried that her aim is getting better. | (0) |
Relationships | 3/2/2022 |
How did the octopus beat a shark in a fight? It was well-armed. | (1) |
Animals | 3/2/2022 |
Have you ever tried archery wearing a blindfold? You don't know what you're missing! | (0) |
Blind, Sports | 3/2/2022 |
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's giving me lately. | (2) |
Relationships | 3/2/2022 |
A petite psychic escaped from prison. Officials said that a small medium is at-large. | (2) |
Prison | 3/1/2022 |
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are…but I laugh more. | (1) |
Relationships | 2/25/2022 |
What do you call a deer without eyes? I have no idear. | (0) |
Animals | 2/25/2022 |
My girlfriend left me to become an astronaut. She said she needed space. | (0) |
Relationships | 2/25/2022 |
Seven has "even" in it…which is odd. | (0) |
Math, School | 2/25/2022 |
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time. | (2) |
Clothes, Watches | 2/25/2022 |
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam. | (0) |
Animals, Fish | 2/25/2022 |
When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party. Now I'm homeless. | (0) |
Friends, Home | 2/22/2022 |
If a cowboy is happy, does that make him a jolly rancher? | (1) |
Cowboys | 2/22/2022 |
What did the dentist name his new boat? The tooth ferry! | (1) |
Teeth | 2/22/2022 |
Some bakers have a passion for their craft. Others are just in it for the dough. | (0) |
Food | 2/22/2022 |
My doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was tough for me to hear. | (0) |
Deaf, Doctor | 2/15/2022 |
I lost 20 pounds last week. Too bad I was in England. | (0) |
Money, Weight | 2/9/2022 |
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. | (2) |
Sticks | 2/8/2022 |
All my problems with my wife are psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical. | (1) |
Relationships | 2/7/2022 |
I lost my job making orange juice. I got canned. Couldn't concentrate. They really gave me the squeeze! | (1) |
Food | 2/7/2022 |
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early? Because dawn is tough on greese. | (0) |
Sleep | 2/7/2022 |
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. | (0) |
Farting | 2/7/2022 |
What's the first step to making a series about flying a plane? Filming the pilot. | (0) |
Airplanes, TV | 2/7/2022 |
What has three letters and starts with gas? A car. | (0) |
Cars | 2/7/2022 |
What do you call news about a body of water? Current events. | (0) |
News, Water | 2/7/2022 |
I'm reading a horror story in braile. Something bad is about to happen…I can feel it! | (1) |
Blind, Books | 2/7/2022 |
A degree in history is just useless. There's no future in it. | (0) |
History, School | 2/4/2022 |
I just started my job as an executioner. I'll beheading there soon! | (0) |
Work | 2/4/2022 |
What are you when you clean out the vacuum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner! | (0) |
Cleaning, Home | 2/4/2022 |
I was going to make a joke about herbs. But I don't have the thyme. | (0) |
Food | 2/4/2022 |
I know a stoner who is filing for divorce. He's fighting for joint custody. | (0) |
Cannabis, Relationships | 2/3/2022 |
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account? Prime-mates. | (0) |
Amazon, Animals, Monkeys | 2/3/2022 |
Do you know what Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. | (0) |
Movies | 2/3/2022 |
I don't like my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign. Her counter arguments are pretty weak. | (0) |
Home, Relationships | 2/3/2022 |
What do you call a woman who is really good at darts? Amy. | (0) |
Darts, Sports | 1/31/2022 |
What dating app do lumberjacks use? Timber. | (0) |
Relationships | 1/31/2022 |
My doctor lost his Twitter account, and now he can't tweet any of his patients. | (0) |
Doctors, Twitter | 1/27/2022 |
My son and are are getting new glasses tomorrow. After that, we'll see! | (0) |
Family | 1/27/2022 |
Where does Captain Hook buy his spare hooks? At the second-hand store. | (0) |
Pirates | 1/19/2022 |
Do you know what I heard? Cattle. | (0) |
Cows | 1/19/2022 |
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. | (0) |
Toilet paper | 1/19/2022 |
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. | (1) |
Food | 1/19/2022 |
If you're trying to find out what rocket scientists do on their day off, it's not rocket science. | (1) |
Science, Work | 1/19/2022 |
Dad jokes make me numb. Math jokes make me number. | (2) |
Math, School | 1/19/2022 |
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard. It's remarkable! | (1) |
Christmas, Office | 1/14/2022 |
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present. It's a gift! | (0) |
Christmas | 1/14/2022 |
I was recently attacked by a group of clowns. The only way I could survive was to go for the juggler. | (0) |
Clowns | 1/14/2022 |
Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works from mind control? It makes scents when you think about it. | (0) |
Mind, Scents | 1/14/2022 |
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead. | (1) |
Dinosaurs | 1/14/2022 |
Why do companies that make ice commit fraud easier? Because their assets are already frozen. | (0) |
Accounting, Ice cream | 1/14/2022 |
Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. | (0) |
Terrorists | 1/14/2022 |
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. | (0) |
Drugs, Shoes | 1/14/2022 |
Random dad joke
Here’s a random dad joke!